Married and lonely

[Sola-Leonis]

Hello all... I hope I do not defile what seems to be family friendly thread, so perhaps I need to put some feelers out first... I would welcome some input from y'all about marriage and intimacy... or the lack there of.. would this be something that folks would be pen to discussing ?

 

[serpentdove]

Hello all... I hope I do not defile what seems to be family friendly thread, so perhaps I need to put some feelers out first... I would welcome some input from y'all about marriage and intimacy... or the lack there of.. would this be something that folks would be pen to discussing ?

1 Co 7:4-5

 

[Sola-Leonis]

.... thanks, I am familiar with the scripture, I guess I was hoping to find some others that have been struggling with the same issues....

 

[serpentdove]

.... thanks, I am familiar with the scripture, I guess I was hoping to find some others that have been struggling with the same issues....

Is she passive aggressive (weak person's coping mechanism)?

 

[Sola-Leonis]

Hmm no I would call it just not interested ... I believe if I never brought it up it would be perfectly fine... this has been going on to some degree for our entire marriage, (30 plus years) and has been getting worse... and frankly I don't know how much more I can take.... counceling is not an option (usually the first suggestion) and even though I am told 'it's not me' I don't believe it any longer. I guess it comes down to only a few options... stay, leave or cheat ... and none of them are Godly....

 

[serpentdove]

Hmm no I would call it just not interested ... I believe if I never brought it up it would be perfectly fine... this has been going on to some degree for our entire marriage, (30 plus years) and has been getting worse... and frankly I don't know how much more I can take.... counceling is not an option (usually the first suggestion) and even though I am told 'it's not me' I don't believe it any longer. I guess it comes down to only a few options... stay, leave or cheat ... and none of them are Godly....

You didn't mention murder.

 

[Angela53510]

This is the right place! People come here to ask for marriage advice, rarely to talk about good and happy marriages. So much, that sometimes it is downright depressing. Which is not to say, you are causing that problem. It is more of the overall feel, some days, for me, anyway. (Explaining why I tend to slip away from this forum!)

So, you are saying in old age, your wife, who never wanted or enjoyed intimacy is even worse? If she is past menopause, desire does go down tremendously, as estrogen in particular leaves a woman's body. So, in that sense, your wife is correct. But, if it was always like that, don't be surprised.

Which leaves you wondering about what marriage is about. If it is just about sex, then by all means, walk through your "go, leave, cheat" list. Figure out which one works for you.

I would hope you would not be so shallow as to think all of marriage happens in bed. If you have children, have you thought of the impact on them, if you leave? If you cheat, always think about venereal diseases, and then giving them back to your wife. As for staying, perhaps you could remember all the good things, and good times with your wife. Take her on a cruise. Not to get her into bed, but to be with her and remember that love is about the person, not just an act.

As for you, perhaps you have just not faded at the same rate as your wife, and you always have a higher libido. Again, that is not a reason to end a marriage, nor to cheat.

I hope you will seriously think about ways to rekindle the romance, which may or may not lead to more intimacy. Because, you have committed to this woman, and a natural and normal reduction in her sex drive is simply not a Biblical reason to divorce and leave her alone.

 

[serpentdove]

This is the right place! People come here to ask for marriage advice, rarely to talk about good and happy marriages. So much, that sometimes it is downright depressing. Which is not to say, you are causing that problem.

I don't feel better getting to know his heart.

 

[Depleted]

Hmm no I would call it just not interested ... I believe if I never brought it up it would be perfectly fine... this has been going on to some degree for our entire marriage, (30 plus years) and has been getting worse... and frankly I don't know how much more I can take.... counceling is not an option (usually the first suggestion) and even though I am told 'it's not me' I don't believe it any longer. I guess it comes down to only a few options... stay, leave or cheat ... and none of them are Godly....

You know what gets wives interested? Romance, doing nice things for them, remembering them first. Love! Have you tried that yet?

 

[serpentdove]

You know what gets wives interested? Romance, doing nice things for them, remembering them first. Love! Have you tried that yet?

He doesn't love her (Eph. 5:25–33).

 

[kaylagrl]

Hmm no I would call it just not interested ... I believe if I never brought it up it would be perfectly fine... this has been going on to some degree for our entire marriage, (30 plus years) and has been getting worse... and frankly I don't know how much more I can take.... counceling is not an option (usually the first suggestion) and even though I am told 'it's not me' I don't believe it any longer. I guess it comes down to only a few options... stay, leave or cheat ... and none of them are Godly....

Does she have anything in past,ie rape,molestation that could cause a problem? Depression can cause issues,as can other diseases. Would she be agreeable to seeing a doctor to see if there is an issue? And have you made it plain how this makes you feel rejected and lonely? Just a few thoughts...

 

[kaylagrl]

He doesn't love her (Eph. 5:25–33).

Thats a rather harsh and unfounded statement to make. imo

 

[Sola-Leonis]

Well in reading the replies... first of all we are not seniors so it's not a desire depletion due to age...and Serpendpve, I am not certain why you would automatically assume 'I don't love her'....and if you don't know my heart then ask... I do indeed love her as Christ loved the church, because that is what I am commanded to do, frankly you cannot be with someone this long and raise children -without- loving them. But the issue is not about loce donor don't... but merely a portion of marital love that has gone missing...
I must apologize to your group for bringing this up at all... apparently here is a common set of answers being offered, and I understand that with the information given it is easy to assume that the cause is one sided or based on selfishness, but it's not ... and I was hoping that I could find someone that has had similar experiences but it doesn't sound like that's available ... thank you all for your feedback.

 

[serpentdove]

[He doesn't love her (Eph. 5:25–33).] Thats a rather harsh...

Ex 20:14

He though about committing adultery.

I don't know what you call love.

He didn't mention contemplating murdering her--which frankly would have been more loving--like ripping off a Band-Aid. Poor woman.

...and unfounded statement to make. imo

That'll come up again (Heb 13:4, Mt 12:36).

 

[kaylagrl]

Ex 20:14

He though about committing adultery.

I don't know what you call love.

He didn't mention contemplating murdering her--which frankly would have been more loving--like ripping off a Band-Aid. Poor woman.

That'll come up again (Heb 13:4, Mt 12:36).

You can love someone and still be in a desperate situation.The Bible also tells us not to forbid each other in intimacy within marriage because of this very reason. People feel they need relief. We dont know both sides of the story but only what he has said. They each have issues they need to deal with and it takes two to make a marriage work.But I dont think we need to jump him for expressing how he feels nor say he doesn't love his wife. He said adultery wasn't a Godly option,so I dont think he intends to do such a thing. But when you are lonely and feel rejected satan can use that weakness.Therefore that is why we are told not to forbid each other within a marriage.

 

[serpentdove]

You can love someone and still be in a desperate situation.

If he loves God and loves her, he doesn’t contemplate committing adultery (Ex 20:14). She’s in a desperate situation and likely doesn’t know it.

The Bible also tells us not to forbid each other in intimacy within marriage because of this very reason.

God has solutions in the manual.

Committing adultery is not one of them (Ex 20:14).

People feel they need relief. We don’t know both sides of the story but only what he has said.

Is that what you do? You hold people’s hand all the way to hell?

They each have issues they need to deal with and it takes two to make a marriage work.

Without bringing a third party into their covenant (Matt. 19:6).

He said adultery wasn't a Godly option,so I dont think he intends to do such a thing.

Why did he say it? Why are you not horrified by it? Don’t you love your neighbor? Don’t you want to tell him the truth? Prov. 2:16–19, Heb 13:4

But when you are lonely and feel rejected Satan can use that weakness.

And now Satan and his forces know what’s on his mind. The cloud of angels are shaking their heads because they don’t get it--God is so good. Men shout, "Crucify him. Crucify him."

Therefore that is why we are told not to forbid each other within a marriage.

He’s aware of the scripture. Did he mention it to his wife?--Your body doesn’t belong to you. It belongs to me (1 Co 7:4). No, he said he has the option to defile himself (Ex 20:14).

 

[Sola-Leonis]

well, now I understand why you call yourself SERPENTdove... you clearly have a lot of anger issues... and since you enjoy tossing scripture out there to support your stance on your proverbial soap box let me toss one back at 'cha -- "Let him who has sinned NOT cast the first stone...."

Kaylagrl..thank you for you kind insight, yours was the only one who tried to look at the heart. Once again, I apologize for creating such a whirlwind, but I wont waste any more time arguing or defending myself in cyber space to someone who clearly has no clue, or wont look beyond their own distorted ideals. I came here looking for Godly insight wanting to believe only Christians joined Christian sites like this one... (Christian = Christ-LIKE) -- "You will know them by their fruit..."

 

[Tinkerbell725]

Maybe you are just bored and frustrated. How can you bring back the intimacy? It is not easy because it takes vulnerability of two hearts but you should initiate because you are the leader in your marriage. Don't be passive and wait for her to do it for you. Initiate, don't give up and let her respond. Restore that lost connection and never even think of looking elsewhere.

 

[kaylagrl]

well, now I understand why you call yourself SERPENTdove... you clearly have a lot of anger issues... and since you enjoy tossing scripture out there to support your stance on your proverbial soap box let me toss one back at 'cha -- "Let him who has sinned NOT cast the first stone...."

Kaylagrl..thank you for you kind insight, yours was the only one who tried to look at the heart. Once again, I apologize for creating such a whirlwind, but I wont waste any more time arguing or defending myself in cyber space to someone who clearly has no clue, or wont look beyond their own distorted ideals. I came here looking for Godly insight wanting to believe only Christians joined Christian sites like this one... (Christian = Christ-LIKE) -- "You will know them by their fruit..."

Well I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I understand that marriage can be complicated and intimacy is one of those issues that the devil can use to break up a marriage faster than any other. When one person refuses sex,especially over a long period of time,it leads to a feeling of rejection and depression. Her issue may also be depression. Its not easy having a conversation when both partners are at an impasse.

Just for myself,I express my deepest feelings better when I write them down. If its one of those hard conversations,I write down my feelings and my husband reads them then it opens a discussion. Because I was not allowed to express my feelings as a child its really hard for me. My husband understands this and its an easier way to get a conversation started.I said all of that to say this, what if you try to write down your feelings to her. Try not to blame or be angry. But just write down how you feel alone,rejected,frustrated and how you long to have that intimacy in your marriage again. Just a thought,a way to let her know your heart and deep down how you feel. I wish you all the best. Blessings brother.

 

[kaylagrl]

If he loves God and loves her, he doesn’t contemplate committing adultery (Ex 20:14). She’s in a desperate situation and likely doesn’t know it.


-He said he loves her,there is no "if". He didn't say he was thinking about committing adultery he said it was an option that wasn't a Godly one.


God has solutions in the manual.

Committing adultery is not one of them (Ex 20:14).
Is that what you do? You hold people’s hand all the way to hell?
Without bringing a third party into their covenant (Matt. 19:6).

-He said adultery wasn't a Godly choice. And as far as holding peoples hand all the way to hell that is an outrageous comment to make to a blind stranger you dont even know personally and based on one comment. smh



Why did he say it? Why are you not horrified by it? Don’t you love your neighbor? Don’t you want to tell him the truth? Prov. 2:16–19, Heb 13:4
And now Satan and his forces know what’s on his mind. The cloud of angels are shaking their heads because they don’t get it--God is so good. Men shout, "Crucify him. Crucify him."

He’s aware of the scripture. Did he mention it to his wife?--Your body doesn’t belong to you. It belongs to me (1 Co 7:4). No, he said he has the option to defile himself (Ex 20:14).

-Wow oh wow! Im not even going to dignify that with a response. I would never come to you if I had a private issue in my life. How cruel and judgmental can a person be? smh No help to this poor person at all.