A
ALyn
Guest
Goodness where do I start? I been with my husband since I was 16. We got married because I found out I was pregnant when I was 17. He was a "backfallin Christian" at the time. I was not a christian. I gave my life to Christ January 2009. In the beginning it was so rocky. Outburst of anger when before married. I kicked him out numerous amounts of times because his anger got the best of him & I was scared. We would be apart for 3, 4, 6 months. Just depends. The anger is not quite there as much inless caught in a lie. I am 21 now. We have 2 beautiful daughters who are 3 & 1. I found about a year & a half ago he has been lying to me about smoking weed. I left a previous relationship because I did not want that in my life. It is like when we would go to church he would rededicate his life to christ.. be amazing... God speaking to Him directly through scripture, he would write music for Him, we would communicate, we were reading together, attending church...but then he would have an excuse to miss a few Sunday's & go back to the same thing lying, smoking, can't talk to him without him making me feel like I am stupid for confronting him... Out of nowhere something would tell me to look someplace & I would & marijuana or cigerettes or whatever would be there. He use to break stuff in the house.. I felt like what is the point of this relationship. He NEVER sees any guilt in lying, hurting me. One time he thought were were seriously apart because I got a PFA against him in the past & I got an STD when I got my testing for my pregnancy, he told me he thought I wanted nothing to do with him he was so depressed & someone from the CHURCH (church I got saved at, I was having dreams about him & her weirdly enough BEFORE getting checked at doctor) .. another young "married" mom who had many problems herself was comforting him accepting him & he slept with her while they were smoking and drinking. When I found out about the std he kept telling me what did you do?? He got tested he did not have an std so he kept thinking I did something because I guess the male can sometimes just carry it.. and gosh that hurt me soo much. Finally in front of the pastor I told him if he is not honest with me I cant do this. He lied again & said he was with a friend out somewhere and he got so drunk and it just happened just a little bit & he could not do it..but even still til this DAY he be bringing up that well I did not have an std SO... & I have never done one thing with another person since we got together, physically, or emotionally. I gave one person my number & may have flirted a few times that is as serious as it got which is not right this was while we were seperated.. I was devistated. He finally then told me while he was a little drunk that he did do that with her & he wanted to know what I did, I told him flirting times, & whatever else nothing too serious, he still did not believe me, then he was just drunk telling me he wishes he never hurt me by sleeping with her the way he did how wonderful of a woman I am & how he wants to do right by me.. etc..I can't believe he told me that. Goodness its like i hate being suspicious. I want an honest relationship. We are called to be ONE. I tried being there for him during the struggle of marijuana but he use to tell me that he does not know if ever that he will quite. It was just one thing after another then it would be an outburst of anger again saying he is leaving again. He ripped up the bible in front of me saying crazy stuff calling his friends saying he about to go out buying drinks for everyone and getting high he dont care yeah she knows its all good, I mean crazy stuff. I be praying during it & he be like making fun of me & i be getting so sick and having to puke because of the stress. It hurts sooo bad. We were going to a church & they comfronted Him about the marijuana & he felt as if nothing was wrong with it. I prayed for conviction. One big thing is a moved an hour away from the church almost a year ago the church we were going to & we are not quite connected to a church. I still go down to visit my Christian girls oh gosh what would I do without them??? We love God sooo much. I know God is doing a work where I am at, but also down there too. Going on a mission trip soon. I want people to feel the wholeness & joy christ gives us despite what is going on A couple of my friends from the past have dedicated there life to Christ because of me moving up here. I am about to be a leader for Younglives(a teen mentoring program). I get looked up to soooooooo much & I feel as if how can I give such great advice & scripture & let them leave on a positive note, but I can't even do that. Three months ago I caught my husband watching porn..I was unbelievably devistated... he kept lying saying it was a pop up...then said some stuff to me like it was my fault... I could not deal with that. I told him I did not want to do this anymore. Right before that happened I found out we are not technically married. We got married in front of pastor and got certificate, but we were suppose to get certificate first & then get married. So that happened before catching him I did not know if God was telling me like you are not suppose to be with him. So.. I tried my best to just move on but caught myself looking at his face book we would post stuff. He told me he is doing stuff the right way.. posting up christian rap videos & lyrics & scriptures up. He got into my account I guess because he sent me a poem he did not want me to read yet so I thought I should get into his & I found him just "chatting" with that girl he "cheated" on me with. I was sooo upset. Why would you even desire to say hi back. She wrote him, but I dont care there was no need at all. I told him I am sick of this I can't play this game, I am a good woman. I am not perfect but I know that a relationship is built on trust.. We did not talk for a few weeks I turned 21 & i went out a couple times got a lil bit tipsy I felt so convicted. I was so hurt & angry. I did not understand. Well we did not talk & eventually he texted me & said how much it is hurting him without his family,he loves us soooo much, he never should have put marijuana or anything before us. He promises to be a different man.. He walked to my place from where he was staying which is an hour or so drive it took 12 hours. His car got totalled he lost his job (job loss he blames on me because he came up here for "me") He is mad I moved.. but he swore things were different. That we would be an open book, phone, same email, know eachothers passwords, EVERYTHING. We were reading "Boundaries in marriage", God woke him up & gave Him scriptures that related to his life, He wrote a cd for God. During this time I caught him smoking cigerettes (its the lying that bothers me) not dealing with the struggle. He was soooo apologetic (if thats the word) he sat down with me I was so upset because I told him I do not want lies. He looked at me in my eyes & said how much he loved me & he borrowed it from someone that he learned if you wean yourself off of it that it will help you quite, the fact of how much he cared about how i felt... he is like i never want to lose my family you guys are my everything he was like satan was trying to give me lies to tell you & i was like what the heck no imma tell her the truth. He did not flip out like i was a crazy person, like he does when he is lying. He felt like he could relate to David, He got baptized in the Holy Spirit speaking in tongues, etc. He missed the last 2 or 3 weeks of church & his attitude is not the same, I find ashes in my car I asked him if he has been smoking in it he said no, we got into a fight & the next day I found cigerettes in his stuff, (it is the lying part, not the struggle), then it was he left his phone & something was like you know what just check his text & he wrote to his niece who is my age that the had mcdonalds & goodies. I was like what the heck. He never told me nothing about going anywhere to her place.. so.. I was angry brought up stuff like you lied to me in the past cant you understand where I am coming from, can you not see why I feel the way I do. I been lied to about a lot in our relationship, he is like I am not getting kicked out for something I did not do I am going to get my own place.. he use to say that whenever we would get into it about this type of thing, I then felt bad I apologized I guess I did not have real reason to feel the way I did, He went out to the bar that night, told me he was upset how he is getting blamed for something he never did, the next day (yesterday) I was cleaning out my car & a bag with a blunt in it I was soo mad. I sat him down & he is like it is not mine.. I am not lying to you. I am angry.. I talked to my best friend & she was saying how some people lie because they feel like that can not open up or accepted. That the Holy Spirit is strong in me by the GRACE of God, for some reason he is not as strong. All things work out for the good of those in Christ Jesus. God has promised us a hope & a future. I went to him & said I love him, I am not stupid, I know & we can work through this he was half awake.. we were ok today.. but then he was just like I did not do ANYTHING because something with his ipod & he followed me downstairs in basement all weird like he was hiding something.. again. Its like.. I hate feeling stupid.. getting blamed for being crazy or He says how we fight over PETTY stuff, that No marriages do this & This is lame & childish. To me this is sooo serious. To him it is not & all I can say is if I was lying to your face you would feel the same way. I HATE fighting, I love being connected, having fun, laughing, praising God. I try my best to focus on praiseworthy things.. It is just soo hard not being able to confront an issue & tackle it. It is a like a huge horse in the room. How do I look at my man whom needs words of affirmation like wow, your an awesome man of God. When you lie to your wife. I felt so stupid because I was like wow he does so much for us, he is home with the kids when I need him, he helps me with them so much, he cooks for us at times, now he has a job so its harder, breakfast in bed, takes out the trash etc. I would write him how wonderful he was with cooking, & being so wonderful, how proud I am of him,& he would not say much, this was like a week ago when before I found the text.. It is like he shuts himself off from me when he does wrong & says to me that I should find someone else who will make me happy. I want HIM, but I wish we had a life that was completely God centered. I do not know what to think, or do, how to handle these emotions I go through when he lies to my face , I know JOB lost everything, people are going through SOOO much more but wow this hurts. I think he connected with a co-worker out here & smokes with them. Everytime he needs God for a job I feel like he is sooo on fire, faithful, awesome, then when God rewards him he just does whatever. He has told me that was his fear of going back to that. The only time he actually tries to do right again is when we seperate & he loses us. 
