May I have your opinions on this?

[Isa]

Hi,
I am looking to get some opinions on this situation I am going through. You can tell me after if you think I need to see a psychologist or not. It’s just that sometimes I think I need to see one… I feel like if maybe I talk about this to some knowledgeable folks they will tell me if there’s actually something wrong with me.
I received Christ since I was 13 years old and since then my life has never been the same. Everything hasn’t always been perfect though-I am now 24-. I was in a relationship with a guy when I was 19, he was much older than me and that relationship was the worst thing that could have ever happened to me. I don’t know if I can say that it was an abusive relationship since I kind of instigated it back then, but it just got worse than what I expected. Well I am not going to go into details as I don’t want to be crude but it was one of those things some people would find traumatic. Back then I thought if I just forget it and move on things would be okay but now I find that it has left a mark.
After that, I did try to date again but only realized that they all just wanted to take advantage of me so I just stopped all together and I have decided to just let God be in control of everything. I trust him that if I’m going to (eventually) get married he will choose the right one for me.
The issue now is that I’m having a really hard time trusting anyone at this point. There is this guy I know he is interested in me and I am too, but a part of me really wants to give it a shot and find out about that “romance” thing that people do experience, and another part of me really just despise the idea and is so afraid of what might happen if I agree to even start anything with this guy. I have come to think that maybe it’ll be best to actually be alone. It might just be safer.
I just don’t understand how I can have such divergent feelings and it is really messing me up right now. I have realized that if it wasn’t by His grace and forgiveness, I wouldn’t have been able to somehow still be stable in my life and my mind after what happened. If you'd look at me right now you won't have any idea what I’m going through. That’s why I cannot let go of His hand as I know I will become a real mess.

 

[Fencepost]

Be patient in all things, bring all your passions into subjection to the Pressence of the Holy Spirit. Allow Jesus Christ to show you the next step.

 

[Jullianna]

Isa, in all honesty, I think perhaps counseling wouldn't hurt. It would be awesome if there was a female christian counselor in your area.

You seem like a great person who wants a loving, permanent relationship. I think dealing with this issue now will allow you to prepare yourself for that, with God's help.

Praying for you!

 

[mrpower]

I just don’t understand how I can have such divergent feelings and it is really messing me up right now. I have realized that if it wasn’t by His grace and forgiveness, I wouldn’t have been able to somehow still be stable in my life and my mind after what happened. If you'd look at me right now you won't have any idea what I’m going through. That’s why I cannot let go of His hand as I know I will become a real mess.

There's your answer right there sister
Consider how far Jesus has brought you so far, consider the painful places he's taken you through, and after all that you stand. You know how faithful He is, and you know he always will be
Keep praying my sister, and I would seek a good Christian councilor you can pray with too, but don't stop living life, just be sure to do it in step with Jesus and you'll be grand

 

[Foxf8]

i just got to say *cheers you on* and also am so sorry that you had to go threw that and have that scare you. but as mrpower quoted a part out of your comment i do agree with him. but also prey about it and if he opens a door tells you this is the man i want you to be with and love and Cherish because he well love you like god wanted you to be loved. just prey about it

love you sister in Christ ^^

 

[Crystalgar]

You do need to talk to someone, it dosen't have to be a psychologist, it could be one of the older ladies in your church. I know if I have a problem they are sevral ladies in my church i can turn to. Some times they have a lot of advice in diffrent situations, they can also pray for you. Not every psychologist will sit with you and pray for you. They might know more than you think.

 

[Toirniuil]

I would say hesitation with relationships is a good idea. The first thing you have to consider is do you feel that you are spiritually ready to get married and be a wife. Have you hit that stage in your relationship with God that you are ready for that step. If not then why would you want to date? You would just be setting yourself up for more heart ache, giving little pieces of your heart away to each guy you are in a relationship with. The next thing you have to consider is, is the man you are thinking of dating ready spiritually to be your husband. Will he strengthen you in Christ of will he lean on you and suck you spiritually dry.

You may have heard the verse about not being unevenly yoked. A yoke is something that goes across 2 animals shoulders so they can pull plough or cart or what ever. If the animals are not the same size the yoke isn't even and it makes life very awkward and difficult for the animals to pull. People quote this to say a believe should not date a non believer because then you will be unevenly yoked in your faith and that is true. But is means more then that. If one persons someone on fire for God and seeking him for all that they are worth they shouldn't yoke themselves with someone who is a Christian but isn't at the same stage in their faith as the first person.

A couple need to strengthen each other in Christ. The key to a really good marriage or relationship is 3 love affairs. 1)You and God 2)him and God 3) you and him. Note the order that these are in. That is the mort important part.

Maybe you don't need counselling at all? Maybe God is trying to tell you that you or the guy you are thinking of dating aren't ready yet? Needless to say you need to seek Gods advice beyond everyone else's.
Pray about it and remember that God has plans to help and not to hinder you and he can and will heal all the scars you have from previous mistakes you have made. I know he is healing mine. We just have to ask him to and then to let him do it. I know that he has the perfect girl for me and as soon as both of us are ready in our relationship with him he will being us together. It is not something you have to force. God will arrange it in his own time his good holy and perfect time.
I pray that he will heal all your wounds that you have and he will work every bad situation have has been or will be for the good because that is what he says he will do.
God bless you +

 

[Snackersmom]

I agree with Crystalgar, it would probably be good to talk to someone, but not necessarily a psychologist. I would also go directly to God. Ask Him to fill you with His Holy Spirit, so that it will be easier for you to hear His voice and receive His direction. Ask Him if it's in His will for you to have a relationship with the guy you mentioned. Then, wait for the still, small voice and the flood of peace that comes with His answer. He may say "yes", He may say "no", but either way, you can't go wrong if you're in His will . That's what I do anytime I'm faced with a big decision, and He has never led me wrong. Even when the answer I felt He was giving me didn't seem logical, it always ended up being right.......He knows best!!!!!! Please feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to, I'm a good listener God Bless! In Him, Nicole

P.S. If you DO see a psychologist, be extremely careful before going on any medications. It doesn't sound like you need them, and they can have some terrible side effects. The Holy Spirit is the best therapist I know!

 

[Isa]

Thanks so much for all your advices. I actually never thought about seeing a Christian counselor. I guess it is an idea but I was thinking more of Christian psychologist, I don’t know if I can find one out there, but I wanted to talk to a professional who would be able to tell me whether I have some issues that I need to work on or not. I know I can always count on the Holy Spirit for healing. Like I said, He has been with me ever since what happened and I wouldn’t have made it this far without Him. What I want to know from the counselor is if I need some kind of therapy, if my reactions to certain situations are normal... things like that; I just feel like something is off, and I need someone who is knowledgeable about this kind of issue to help me. I just don’t know if the counselors at my church will be able to give me all the answers to my questions.

To Tornuil, I am certainly not looking to date just for the sake of it. I won’t be able to handle it at this point. I do not even want to pray about this because like I said, my feelings are very mixed and I don’t want to pray God that he tells me whether this guy is the one for me.

At this point I am actually keeping my distances with him and avoiding him altogether. I think if he is the one for me, we will end up together one way or another. I just don’t want to start praying about it. I am too divided right now and scared about starting anything.

... Ask Him if it's in His will for you to have a relationship with the guy you mentioned. Then, wait for the still, small voice and the flood of peace that comes with His answer.

Snackersmom, that’s exactly what I don’t want to do. I have left everything in His hands and I really want him to take over the whole thing. Let’s just say that I’m too afraid to start a relationship first of all and even if I like the guy, I think my fears are really taking over so I just want to let God do his thing. I will not have any say over his decision because he knows what is best for each one of us. I want to think that if this guy is the one, nothing will stop this whole thing from happening. But for now I’ll keep my distances and won’t ask anything to God.

P.S. If you DO see a psychologist, be extremely careful before going on any medications. It doesn't sound like you need them, and they can have some terrible side effects. The Holy Spirit is the best therapist I know!

If I get to find a Christian psychologist, I would not want to be on medications, I think I just need someone who can listen and answer to the questions I will have. No medications for me.

 

[Ugly]

Psychologists cannot prescribe medication. They are not medial doctors. Psychiatrists on the other hand, are medical doctors and can prescribe medications. I'm not a professional, but i have some experience in helping people in similar situations and i strongly doubt you would even need medication. The three main things i see you need are A) to have your trust restored by people who are good, safe people to be around. and B) to learn how to spot 'red flags' in people. and C) to learn that NO ONE EVER deserves any form of abuse. There is no such thing as 'i instigated it' or 'its my fault' when it comes to being abused. Abuse is 100% the fault of the abuser Every Single Time.
For a person who came from an abusive relationship your reactions are actually very typical and very normal. So maybe it will be a bit of a comfort knowing that you aren't weird for how you're acting. I've known a number of women from abusive relationships and they all have the same problems, or had, until they learned to overcome them.
If you're a reader i suggest this book as a good place to start til you can get into some kind of counseling. Amazon.com: Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't (0025986210847): Henry Cloud, John Townsend: Books
Its not a book aimed specifically at dating, but about how to find good friendships. But it can translate easily to dating as well. And if you are the type of person to fall into an abusive relationship and accept the abuse for any amount of time, this will probably help you in your friendships as well.

 

[Deadtosin]

Hi ... Don't worry, nothing here is permanent *looks around. Don't be stressed out about it, as long as you have Jesus you are good . Out of 6 billion people there will be similarities, and there will be differences, so don't freak out when you see both. Even if a relationship here on earth flourishes and you get married, it is just til death do you part. If you don't feel comfortable with a relationship don't do it. you have to find happiness in your day, one day at a time, moment by moment. I wouldn't ignore him however. (but do whatever is comfortable for you) but if he is a friend of yours, you are missing out on a friendship that doesn't need to be neglected. Just tell him, you aren't ready and you have to work some things out for yourself, but you would never want to lose him as a friend. I know its hard not to think about the future, but as the Lord said " who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?"

Keep this in mind. Life is completely unpredictable. Sometimes we get so hung up on trying to avoid one thing. That we unwittingly wind up in the wake of something else. We should learn from our experiences, but it is absolutely possible to let an old experience flood our mind so much that we become blinded to other things. If we fall down, do we never try to walk again? No, we just move slower, until we are sure of what we are walking on. If we get hit from one direction, yes we need to keep an eye in that direction, but God forbid we stop watching where we are walking, or looking around for other attacks. I have to go, God bless and good luck

 

[Jullianna]

I agree with the ladies who suggested speaking with other ladies in your church. Some of them have lived a lot of life, have God-breathed wisdom, are good listeners and amazing prayer warriors.

I'm glad you are considering a christian counselor. They, too, know the value of prayer.

 

[princessbella]

isa these people here have given amazing advice, the only extra advice i can give you, is to not bury your head in the sand because you dont want to deal with it and be saying the same thing in 10 years time.. dont waste time not dealing with it and hiding from the problem because wont get any better if you dont...and im speeking from experience. i would definitly say counseling is a good thing , with a counsellor your comfortable with and preferably female..

 

[GreenNnice]

isa these people here have given amazing advice, the only extra advice i can give you, is to not bury your head in the sand because you dont want to deal with it and be saying the same thing in 10 years time.. dont waste time not dealing with it and hiding from the problem because wont get any better if you dont...and im speeking from experience. i would definitly say counseling is a good thing , with a counsellor your comfortable with and preferably female..

-----
I read all the quotes and some REALLY good stuff said....

This quote however from princessBelle best explains my thoughts, IsaBeautiful.

---------------""----------------
God uses ALL different kinds of things, people, events to help us. I suggest doing what snackersmommy said, pray to God, and, be subjecting yourself daily now to God specifically these feelings of your 5-year-ago past, as, TheFence said, and, mrpower, speaking of your LEARNED EXPERIENCE of this relationship when 19, said to realize God allowed you in this relationship and you are thru it, i would add, God put you with that guy for a reason , too, of resiliency? show you what you don't want in a relationship?

Or, the alternative, is that you chose a relationship against God's will for your life (God gives us free will ti choose things, people's , events, EVERYTHING), and that is OK, and, daré I say NORMAL .

And, you said you were 13 when Saved, IsaB....

So, you became God's then and there and I encourage you to remember how great it was on that 'saving day' , to remember your past, too, and, see if what you think might have been ABNORMAL relationship for you (abusive relationship or living sexually before marriage, whatever it was, and, you don't need to say here) may have been NORMAL based on your past events, people, things in life

But, Yes, this has been 5 years now and seeing a christian counselor is a great idea, a lot of churches have them and fees lower than outside c.c. worker. And, just listen to God, pray about this situatiion, and, listen to God , IsaB, He loves you so much. OH, how He loves you , and, me

Listen to some good songs, like christian radio, we have Spirit 105.3 here. But, yeah, great advice from Ug to find safe people, and, julieannie is a seasoned professional in her field, and, snackers' words I agree with most often, and, so, that all said, IsaB....

God bless you, young lady, pray, and, I think an inmediate great step would be getting involved in your church heavily, vía the ladies bible study weekly , if your church has one.

And, my best advice right before I go with all these greenNnice thoughts is ... be honest with yourself about your true feelings, and, don't let the Enemy (Satan) have a foothold any longer. Let God fortress you, with His love all around you, NEVER EVER NEVER let go of God, He will always! get you through

 

[MrsSunflower]

I agree with the ladies who suggested speaking with other ladies in your church. Some of them have lived a lot of life, have God-breathed wisdom, are good listeners and amazing prayer warriors.

Then I must say that I haven't experienced it in that way myself. I once went to a older lady in my church because I needed someone to talk to, and my church suggested this lady for me. Sadly, she didn't help me much, nor did she had much good wisdom. She was sure a very sweet lady in general, and I know she did try her best with giving me the right advice and being of any help. But after some time I stopped going to her, because it grieved me more talking with her than building me up in a good and positive way.


I do agree that many older ladies in the church might be the way you are telling from, and I am sure there are many that get's lead by the Holy Spirit too. But at the same time we should also be aware and know that not all older Christian women and men will always be full of good wisdom nor lead by the Holy Spirit.



Sure; Would be then wise to also praying that God will lead you to the right Christian woman/Counsellor to be talking with, Isa.

 

[Snackersmom]

Snackersmom, that’s exactly what I don’t want to do. I have left everything in His hands and I really want him to take over the whole thing. Let’s just say that I’m too afraid to start a relationship first of all and even if I like the guy, I think my fears are really taking over so I just want to let God do his thing. I will not have any say over his decision because he knows what is best for each one of us. I want to think that if this guy is the one, nothing will stop this whole thing from happening. But for now I’ll keep my distances and won’t ask anything to God.

Okay, I see where you're coming from, and I can sort of identify with you. Nothing puts me in panic-mode faster than finding out that a guy likes me . However, nothing pulls me OUT of panic-mode faster than receiving direction from The Big Boss. I probably didn't explain myself very well the first time, so let me try again. Say, for instance, that God doesn't want you to be in a relationship with the guy in question. If you ask God, and He tells you as much, then you will feel peaceful about the situation, and you won't have to keep avoiding the poor guy. If he asks you out, you will know to politely decline, and, meanwhile, you can pursue whatever other avenues (counseling, therapy, etc.) that you feel God is leading you toward.

However, it is also possible that Mr. charming is part of God's plan to help you start trusting people again, and maybe God will lead you to a close relationship for a time, or maybe even marriage (I personally don't believe that Christians should always date with the intention to marry. Sometimes God leads us to a short-term relationship with a member of the opposite sex so that we can learn from them, or vice versa. The trick is to seek His will, and be obedient to what He tells us). I agree with you that nothing can keep you two apart if God wants you together, but, in the meantime, if you seek His will and He gives you an answer, then you will feel peaceful about the whole thing, and the inner conflict (at least about this particular relationship) will dissipate like fog in the sunshine . If you do feel that The Boss wants you to be with this guy, then don't feel like you need to initiate anything, just rest in the peace that comes with His answer. As you said, it will happen if He wills it (I'm a straight-laced Southern gal, it would take some AWFULLY strong leading for me to ask a guy out ) You didn't mention if the guy's a christian or not, but it is possible that a relationship with him is just what The Ultimate Doctor ordered, even if neither of you is currently ready for marriage. My point about checking with God about the relationship was more so that you would feel peace about the situation, not that you would necessarily get something started with Mr. Charming. I hope this post makes more sense than the first one. I have a tendency to worry too much and over-think problems, but getting a clear, peaceful answer from Headquarters is the best remedy I have found for my "condition" God Bless! In Him, Nicole

If I get to find a Christian psychologist, I would not want to be on medications, I think I just need someone who can listen and answer to the questions I will have. No medications for me.

Yay no meds! (Snackersmom does a happy little chair-dance )

 

[Daughter]

Hey...
What about a break?
Getting outside in the woods or fields, cycling, walking, running,... to a place where it's quiet and where no man could bother you so you're alone and able to talk to God at whatever volume it suits you.
Sometimes our mind really needs a break from all this high tech stuff.
We communicate a little too much according to me.
Last week I even wanted to throw away my phone because it caused me a lot of stress when it just ringed or when I got a message.
Of course I speak out of an experience where reliance on friends didn't even help me out anymore. It had to become full reliance on God.
And to me it's quite challenging at some moments but it seems like He's helping me out.

A counsellor could be helpfull or speaking to someone you could trust could be helpful too.
I don't know in what way a psychologist would be 100% helpful because they look at christian issues with another point of view. They will respond to everything differently than a christian would respond. It could be interesting to meet one but discernment is advisable in any of these cases. You just can't fully trust on human beings.
Personally I think you'd better avoid the medication. It might be easier to deal with stuff but at the same time you allow your body to be poisoned for spiritual issues. As long as you don't need it, don't use it.


Blessings

Sarah

 

[Isa]

Thanks so much to all of you for your responses!

Well, I'll definetly have to find a counselor who has experience in this kind of issues. Like MrsSunflower said, not all of the older ladies in church will be able to help me. I guess I'll just pray God that he leads me to someone I can talk to.

Snackersmom, I get what you're saying now. I think you're right in the sense that I can at least pray to find out if he is the one for me. If he is, then it'll probably take a while before we even start dating. I don't feel ready right now.

I'm not sure he is a christian, we didn't talk that much. Like I said, I trry to keep my distances right now. But I'll definetly pray like you said.

Thanks again!!

 

[Snackersmom]

^^^It took two tries, but Snackersmom has finally made sense! I feel another happy little chair-dance coming........

 

[Bobbyking]

Thanks so much to all of you for your responses!

Hi Isa

Thanks for your sincere sharing...

I have a 16 year old daughter and I told her what I am going to say to you now: Make efforts to have solid God-fearing Christian friends (girls) and establish strong christian friendships first before you start to commit to a man. Such support group is irreplaceable and benefits you in the years to come. I became a Christian when I was 16 years old; I established good christian relationships with brothers in Christ, fast forward I am 46 today, and many of them are still around in my midst and they have been my strong towers in my life all these years.

And the other thing I hope you can do is to really really grow in the Lord as a Christian, before you commit to a man. If you are strong in the Lord, you can see what God wants you to see, hear what God wants you to hear and speak what God wants you to say. And when the man finally arrives, you will know whether he is the man whom God has for you.

Regards to your past, learn to give it to the Lord and forgive yourself. Move on. If you intend to see a Christian counselor, by all means go ahead. And I would say No to medications. Our God is a all powerful God and He is able to transform you miraculously!