Ministering to the Grieving

[passion84god]

Thank you and no I don't think it is weird, Honestly your honesty has been a great relief to me because for a long time I have the same feelings of overwhelm for others and have been told I am over stepping or I am not normal and it has kind of weighed me down and I guess my self-worth too.

In a sense, they are correct. You are not "normal" by the world's definition, but the world is a giant mess. As I said before, your self worth needs to be measured by how God sees you and not by how others see you. Do you honestly believe that God is upset because you care for others? That is precisely what we are supposed to be doing. Look at my signature at the bottom of my posts. It is in helping to bear the burdens of others that we fulfill the law of Christ. Your critics are the ones who have the real problems. Problems like being self-centered and apathetic.​

Often 'friends' have all said they can't imagine me being married and no one has shown interest so a lot of my thoughts are ' of course the person to marry me is someone who is doing this stuff' but since talk to you and others thoughts like that have been going away.

Are you talking about possibly being married again some day? Who cares what these "friends" think and say? Seek God, and let him lead you. In the end, you will be accountable to him, and not to your "friends." If I may be blunt for a moment, your "friends" sound like Job's "miserable comforters" who "counseled" him throughout his ordeal.​

I also am honored that you let me pray for you too, it reminded me how good it feels to pray for others, and how close we all are through Christ, if we weren't I would never be able to care for you or vise versa so quickly. I crave that kind of fellowship. And hope that one day I can have a physical community as well with that kind of support.

A physical community would be nice. Don't feel sorry for me because I am okay, but I have never really had a physical community at any stage of my life. You play the hand that you are dealt, while leaning upon God.​

Thank you again for praying for us. honestly I am stuck between healing my own self worth and just a lot of anger and bitterness. even hearing him in the other room chatting and laughing with others while I am here still as his wife alone bothers me and that pain now turns into anger and wrath over pain and tears. And that genuinely conflicts me, but it is such a visceral reaction I don't know how to stop it before it comes. I do pray and it has gotten better like I pretty much just hold my tongue, but having the thoughts in my head still bother me and need to be adressed.

And no by all means if you have any insight I would like to hear them, so far everyone's opinions have not been from a christian founation so I would love to know. anythign that has to do with queer ideology at this point has been exhausting.

I totally understand the conflicting thoughts that you just described, and the horror of what you have to witness every day is what overwhelmed me the other night. I could only cope with it by praying for both of you. If it is that overwhelming for me, as an outsider, then I can only imagine how painful and confusing it must be for you who are actually living it.

I will try to post some thoughts about your husband that I have derived from both scripture and things that you have shared later on today. I think it might help you to understand what is going on and who is truly to blame. I think that it will also help you to overcome those feelings of pain, bitterness, anger, and wrath. Not overnight, but step by step or slowly but surely.​

I just had a friend who said he was givign up on depriving himself and goign to practice chrstianity while still going to church (thread), and I feel like it is to much and a reflection on the world right now. my heart is breaking for him in more than one way.

I am not exactly sure what you mean because of how you worded it, and that link does not work.

Anyway sorry for the long response but yes I am always eager to hear your thoughts please never hesitate, I need more people to sort through this out, I think that is the only way I can heal at this point, leaving on God's understanding instead of my own and also council of others yk?

Yes, I do know. By the grace of God and with the help of others, you will get through this.

I never asked if you are married btw? I only ask honestly just out fo curiosity and also views on vows. I just remembered somethign my husband said when I was fighting and he said being a pilar to me is a privledge not a right through vows.

I didn't know what to say, especially since in my mind support one another is exactly what marriage is all about while we come closer to each other by coming closer to God (the triangle image). I am not sure why that moment keeps popping up but it bothers me a bit. I tend to think in black and white and a lot of openness to learn and of course being wrong. But there are foundations for a reason where i don't get an opinion and God's marriage is one fo them idk ...

I am not married, and I doubt that I ever will be. This is just my personal outlook on life, but I try to live with an eternal perspective. I believe that marriage is temporal and that it was ordained by God for a purpose, which is rarely fulfilled. My main drive in life is to have some sort of eternal impact on others in a positive sense. It would be nice to have someone along for the pilgrimage, but I have enough trouble keeping myself on the straight and narrow path.

I'm not too thrilled with your husband's comment, and I definitely disagree with what he said. I wasn't thrilled with what he said about your miscarriage either. To me, it was totally heartless. To be totally honest, part of the reason why I want to offer some possible insights about your husband from scripture is to guard my own heart from anger against him. When I make that post eventually, you will hopefully better understand what I mean.​

Have a great day at church too btw (please pray for my constancy as well, this week has not been the best in terms of sleep and overwhelm a lot of ups and downs so reading scripture has been very lacking and I can feel it)

I won't be in church today. Normally, I work on Sundays, so I hardly ever get to attend church. I was supposed to be working the last day of my current roadshow today, but I informed my manager last night that I shut down my display yesterday. I fluctuate between selling two completely different products at work, and I formally retired from one of them yesterday. I will definitely be praying for you though. For what it's worth, I understand that it's going to take some time for you to fully heal from your ordeal, and I am willing to help you see your way through. Of course, I am limited in what I can personally do, but God isn't. I will be praying for him to provide you with all of the help you need, and I am also willing and thankful to offer you a listening ear and words of encouragement. You will make it through this, one day at a time.​

I am praying that you have gotten some rest though and also hear back soon from your job posts, I have not been able to go through my prayer list today to actually write things down but you have been in my prayers and my heart - brother

Thank you.

or slowly but surely.
, but I have honestly never had that. I covet peoples' prayers, so thank you. We all need help. From God, first and foremost, but also from others.
, your "friends" sound like the "miserable comforters" that Job spoke of while going through his own ordeal.

 

[passion84god]

Sorry, but the final part of my last post is out of whack. I noticed it missing when I previewed my post, so I re-added parts of it where it belonged. I didn't notice that those missing parts were at the bottom of my post, and it is too late for me to edit it.​

 

[passion84god]

I like your approach actually leaning on God's strength, I think that is where I need to work more then. Leaning on his understanding and having faith in that. Knowing I just need to be there and not put extra burden's that no one is called to bear.

Thanks for sharing and answering that, it helps a lot. (I over think a lot). You are refreshing too.

Some of the verses that I pray for myself are these:

Eph 3:16
That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man;

Eph 6:10
Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.

I just reword them a bit and ask God to strengthen me with might by his Spirit in my inner man so I might be strong in the Lord and in the power of his might. I also pray this verse for myself:

Phl 4:13

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Our strength has to be found in Christ.

I used to overthink a lot too. I came to realize that my conflicting thoughts were the result of putting way too much stock in the opinions of others. Now, I simply seek the mind of Christ as it is revealed through both scripture and the Holy Spirit who takes from Christ and reveals things unto us. 1 Corinthians chapter 2 is a good chapter to meditate on where the Holy Spirit's role is concerned.​

I feel this so much, when things first started my initial councilor did not understand that my joy was in serving others, not just 'taking care of myself' I personally can't separate the two. I understand alone time to reset and things like that. But self-care and selfishness seem to be one in the same.

Self-care and selfishness can certainly overlap, but we do need to spend quality time alone with God for our own well-being. Remember, we are called to love others as we love ourselves, so we do need to love ourselves in the sense of receiving the things we truly need from God himself. There is no sin or shame in that.​

I would love to hear your testimony and story at some time too.

It's pretty uneventful. Just a guy who came to realize, by the convicting power of the Holy Spirit, how sinful he was. I experienced things like the fear of the Lord, which led me to depart from evil, and godly sorrow, which led to repentance, which resulted in salvation. That's about it. The race or war since then has certainly been eventful. Too eventful at times and not eventful enough at other times. I am more concerned about the uneventful times because that is when I have probably been my most useless to both God and my fellow man.​

 

[passion84god]

I do find it hard to reflect on him and what he is doing but you are right that I need to be careful that defiling bitterness doesn't set root in my own heart. I can feel it wear me down often when i lean into it on really bad days. I may read in the perspective when going over scripture possible romans 1 since you brought that up too.

Here are the verses from Romans chapter 1 that I have been considering:

Rom 1:26
For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:
Rom 1:27
And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.
Rom 1:28
And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient;
Rom 1:29
Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers,
Rom 1:30
Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents,
Rom 1:31
Without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful:
Rom 1:32
Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.

I am not going to quote any of the things that you have shared about your husband because you already know them. If I am recalling them correctly myself, then several of the things that we just read seem to match with what he is presently experiencing. Things like not wanting to retain God in his knowledge and burning with lust towards other men, which I am assuming is part of his transgenderism. Even if he dresses like a woman, he is still a man. If he desires other men sexually, then that is homosexuality in disguise. Also, things like being a covenant breaker. I see a dual fulfillment in that because he has not only violated his covenant with God, but also his covenant with you. Malachi 2:14. His transgenderism also falls under the category of fornication, which represents all types of sexual immorality. There are other similarities as well, and they all point towards God's judgment.

Objectively, I hope that you see what I am suggesting. If you can, and if my concerns are valid, then he is in very bad shape. Realizing that, we, because I need to guard my own heart against hating him too, need to have some compassion towards him while praying for his soul. It is his seeming departure from God that has caused your problems, and understanding that can help to preserve your self-worth.

Subjectively? That's a whole different story. Even is he is the cause of the problems, you have certainly been negatively affected by it. That is where God needs to be your primary source of healing or heart-mending while turning your ashes into something beautiful. Isaiah 61:1-3. I know that what I am about to ask is difficult, but please try to view your situation both objectively and subjectively. The objective part can help to keep you from bitterness, wrath, or anger towards your husband as you realize that he is currently incapable of giving you what you need due to his own sinful condition. The subjective part can help you to find true healing through Christ. When I was thinking about your situation the other day, this portion of scripture came to my mind:​

Isa 54:5
For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called.
Isa 54:6
For the LORD hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God.
Isa 54:7
For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee.
Isa 54:8

In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment; but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the LORD thy Redeemer.

In context, this was the LORD speaking to Gentile nations, but there are some similarities between this and what you are currently going through. Ciicii, right now, you are a woman forsaken, but not by God, and a wife of youth who has been refused. Although God is not the one who has forsaken you, you really need to lean on him right now as your spiritual Husband. Unlike your natural husband, he will never leave you nor forsake you. I am not sure that my words are being expressed how I had hoped they would, but I hope this helps somehow. I am praying for both of you.​

 

[ciicii]

Rom 1:26
For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:

Thanks for bring this up, I have read thorugh this passage as well, and I alwasy find it hard to say this fits what my ex is doing because I think of people planning evil to be menacing. But reading through it again it is true that he has indulged in more than one of these things.
Which you have pretty much listed off already.

A few months ago my mother told me that she felt the Lord was saying to 'let go' and I have been trying to do that but unable to. constantly grinding my teeth, trying to let go and give it to God. btu for some reason in my mind that means giving up, I know I am not, but that is what it feels like sometimes. Giving up and saying that what is happening is okay, even though I know that is wrong.

I have been memorizing different versus, today the best one was 1 Corinthians 10:13 (an assurance of victory)
The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.

I was able to use that to somewhat tide myself over from going in a room and screaming my frustrations. honestly most of the time I am in my room just saying I hate him over and over again, I am not sure exactly when that started, but probably when I realized he wasn't going to change his mind because he doesn't' think what he is doing is wrong.

I see a dual fulfillment in that because he has not only violated his covenant with God, but also his covenant with you. Malachi 2:14.

I think that is a huge one too, I did go back to find some commentary on Malachi to ensure I was understanding it's full context. And the commentary listed some reason why God hates divorce, and I realize that my hatred of this whole situation is not just the pain I am in it is the broken covenant that is holy, that is offensive to God. That is what bothers me most.


Which I think actually helps a bit with the advice / warning you have given me more than once about my own heart in this matter, to not grow bitter and hateful. I need to find a way to do that without repressing my own feelings of grief, but sinful anger is not the way to go and I have been teetering between righteous and sinful anger for a while.

A highlight is that at church there was a baptism today and his testimony about being miserable for years and the reason why he walked away before coming back really spoke to me about my own trust in God.

Objectively, I hope that you see what I am suggesting. If you can, and if my concerns are valid, then he is in very bad shape. Realizing that, we, because I need to guard my own heart against hating him too, need to have some compassion towards him while praying for his soul. It is his seeming departure from God that has caused your problems, and understanding that can help to preserve your self-worth.

Objectively I agree, he is not in good shape. I agree, I need prayer to make sure that my nature and desire to nurture doesn't get the best of me though. What he needs is prayer, not someone to hold his hand and tell him that everything is going to be okay as a 30 year old man.

I have managed to find some foundation in my self-worth again because it is in God. And I do not want to ever forget that again. But Objectively he is living a life where he hates himself and it is destroying him from the inside out and causing him to accept damnation. And a life on earth that is very sad.

I need to be compassionate about that too, I know.... I will find a way to pray about it more. But I think with love I also need to set boundaries too so I am not affected as much either.

Subjectively? That's a whole different story. Even is he is the cause of the problems, you have certainly been negatively affected by it. That is where God needs to be your primary source of healing or heart-mending while turning your ashes into something beautiful. Isaiah 61:1-3. I know that what I am about to ask is difficult, but please try to view your situation both objectively and subjectively. The objective part can help to keep you from bitterness, wrath, or anger towards your husband as you realize that he is currently incapable of giving you what you need due to his own sinful condition. The subjective part can help you to find true healing through Christ. When I was thinking about your situation the other day, this portion of scripture came to my mind:

I will need prayer with the bitterness, wrath and anger. I know I don't want to be that way, it goes against what I want to be. And I find a lot of comfort in that conviction. Because I know that means the Holy Spirit is still here. I think I just want him to pay as much as I have been paying and working for him. I need to let that go so God can bless me with better things, even if it is just peace at this point. (a part of me isn't' sure if I am just saying that because it is the right thing to type out, or if I actually desire that) But I do desire to be free. And I think that starts with forgiveness, even if he isn't sorry.

Isa 54:5
For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called.
Isa 54:6
For the LORD hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God.
Isa 54:7
For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee.
Isa 54:8
[]In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment; but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the LORD thy Redeemer.[/]

- husband
- redeemer
- called as a woman forsaken and grieved
- with everlasting kindness he will have mercy
AMEN

I think about that all the time, since this situation I think of how God may feel a little bit, constantly being sinned against, but he still chases, he still is eager to forgive and give wisdom to those who ask, bless the ones who don't deserve it, and the ones who's closest thing to heaven will be suffering on this earth.

I want to be able to do that with my husband and I think knowing the Lord is my husband too. I should reflect on what the Lord calls a husband to in scripture so that I know and can identify how the Lord is supporting me through this (thank you for the scripture).

I am not sure that my words are being expressed how I had hoped they would, but I hope this helps somehow. I am praying for both of you.

You words came out clear because you used scripture that I could look back on and look at the context as well. This actually helped a lot, I have more things to think and reflect on now and most importantly pray about. I know I want to be better and to forgive even if he walks away.

I just need to let go.

 

[passion84god]

A few months ago my mother told me that she felt the Lord was saying to 'let go' and I have been trying to do that but unable to. constantly grinding my teeth, trying to let go and give it to God. btu for some reason in my mind that means giving up, I know I am not, but that is what it feels like sometimes. Giving up and saying that what is happening is okay, even though I know that is wrong.

Letting go does not necessarily mean giving up. Think of the Father in Jesus' story of "The Prodigal Son." He gave his son his inheritance, knowing full well that he was going to squander it with riotous living, and he let him go. It wasn't until he was gone that he realized what a fool he had been, and that realization is what led him back to his Father. I am thinking also about the man in the church in Corinth who was having sexual relations with his father's wife. Paul instructed the church to throw him out because his presence was like leaven that would eventually leaven the whole lump if not removed. The man did repent after being thrown out, and reconciliation was the final outcome. It seems to me that, right now, your husband is like a toxic leaven. Having him removed from your life for a season may be the best thing possible for both him and you. Hopefully, if left alone for a season, he will come to himself or to his senses and repent. In his absence, you would not have to be constantly reminded of some of his words and actions that are causing you pain, and that could afford you some time to heal. Of course, these are just my thoughts, which I believe have some biblical merit to them. Ultimately, you need to decide what is best for you after laying your heart bare before God. The best thing that I can truly do for you is to pray for you. Not that my suggestions would necessarily come to pass, but instead that God would guide your every step by his Spirit and his word. Whatever happens, I am confident that you will make it through this, and I hope that you don't mind if I cheer you along from the sidelines throughout this ordeal. Earlier today, I was meditating on Jesus' story of "The Good Samaritan." The religious folks saw a man, badly beaten and left for dead, and they walked right by him. Unlike them, the Samaritan took the time and effort to help the man to be restored. This is how we should be living. Like I said, I am praying for both you and your husband.​

 

[ciicii]

Letting go does not necessarily mean giving up. Think of the Father in Jesus' story of "The Prodigal Son." He gave his son his inheritance, knowing full well that he was going to squander it with riotous living, and he let him go. It wasn't until he was gone that he realized what a fool he had been, and that realization is what led him back to his Father. I am thinking also about the man in the church in Corinth who was having sexual relations with his father's wife. Paul instructed the church to throw him out because his presence was like leaven that would eventually leaven the whole lump if not removed. The man did repent after being thrown out, and reconciliation was the final outcome. It seems to me that, right now, your husband is like a toxic leaven. Having him removed from your life for a season may be the best thing possible for both him and you. Hopefully, if left alone for a season, he will come to himself or to his senses and repent. In his absence, you would not have to be constantly reminded of some of his words and actions that are causing you pain, and that could afford you some time to heal. Of course, these are just my thoughts, which I believe have some biblical merit to them. Ultimately, you need to decide what is best for you after laying your heart bare before God. The best thing that I can truly do for you is to pray for you. Not that my suggestions would necessarily come to pass, but instead that God would guide your every step by his Spirit and his word. Whatever happens, I am confident that you will make it through this, and I hope that you don't mind if I cheer you along from the sidelines throughout this ordeal. Earlier today, I was meditating on Jesus' story of "The Good Samaritan." The religious folks saw a man, badly beaten and left for dead, and they walked right by him. Unlike them, the Samaritan took the time and effort to help the man to be restored. This is how we should be living. Like I said, I am praying for both you and your husband.​

Thank you for that, and yes I have thought about the prodigal son in particular, it just hurts that he would come back to Christ and not to me. But that is a personal woah which hopefully will be mended with time and a new relationship before I am too old.

I am praying that he will see as we separate more than something evil has happened. I know that I am probably not the person to help him in any way other than prayer at this point since I know his habits and have little hope (for lack of a better word).

Thank you for your encouragement and cheers for both me and him, hopefully one day I will be able to tell him that there were people like you praying for him too if God saves him.

How have you been, how was church?

 

[passion84god]

Thank you for that, and yes I have thought about the prodigal son in particular, it just hurts that he would come back to Christ and not to me. But that is a personal woah which hopefully will be mended with time and a new relationship before I am too old.

You never know. It could potentially be a package deal where he first comes back to Christ, and then to you. Honestly, if it ever was to happen, then I believe that it would need to happen in that order. If he isn't conformed to the image of Christ first, then he would never truly be able to love you as Christ loves the church, which is what husbands are called to do in regard to their wives.​

I am praying that he will see as we separate more than something evil has happened. I know that I am probably not the person to help him in any way other than prayer at this point since I know his habits and have little hope (for lack of a better word).

I have been trying to avoid talking about the negative possibilities, but I totally get what you are saying about having little hope. There are a lot of people in my own life who I feel I know better than they know themselves, and I honestly have little hope for them as well because I know their tendencies towards evil. At the same time, we can look to someone like Saul of Tarsus and find some hope. He went from persecuting Christ, according to what Jesus said to him, and Christians to a life of complete surrender for Christ's and the gospel's sake. I still pray for those who seem hopeless, and that includes your husband.​

Thank you for your encouragement and cheers for both me and him, hopefully one day I will be able to tell him that there were people like you praying for him too if God saves him.

That would be a tremendous testimony of God's transforming power that I would love to hear.

How have you been, how was church?

Honestly, I haven't been that great. Almost entirely due to my job situation and how it is negatively affecting different aspects of my life, but like everybody else, I have other pressing challenges in life too. I am confident that God will get me through all of this somehow. That seems to be his track record with me, rescuing me from situations that I am unable to escape or deal with on my own.

I didn't go to church yesterday, but I kind of had a church service of my own last night. Lately, I have been putting my phone on "Do not disturb" at night so I don't get bothered by sleep-stealing phone calls. I didn't do that last night because I am off from work today, and it's a good thing that I didn't. I have mentioned before that a co-worker of mine has this habit of calling me when he is totally drunk or basically bombed out of his mind, and he called me last night. We wound up talking on the phone for 4 hours and 38 minutes, which has to be the longest phone call I have ever been on in my life by far. Somehow, the topic of the Bible and Jesus came up, and to make a long story short, I was able to talk to him about things like the necessity for Christ's virgin birth, which he initially called "bullsh-t," prophecy, eternal life, and even hell, which he inquired about. Although he offered up a lot of objections, by the time we were finished talking, his defenses or objections were definitely lowered quite a bit. I don't know how much of the conversation he will remember this morning because he was really drunk at the time, but you never know. Seed was planted, to my own surprise and delight. He also said something to me that totally surprised me. He told me that he really respects me, which pretty much blew my mind because he has railed against me in the past because of my honesty and integrity at work and also mocked me for it in a general sense. Last night, he was praising me for it while asking me for advice on how to become a real man. Of course, he was very drunk, but sometimes alcohol works as a sort of truth serum. I will have to wait and see what happens going forward. If nothing else, the topics of the Bible and Christ have been addressed, so there is possibly an open door of sorts for more dialogue in the future.​

 

[ciicii]

You never know. It could potentially be a package deal where he first comes back to Christ, and then to you. Honestly, if it ever was to happen, then I believe that it would need to happen in that order. If he isn't conformed to the image of Christ first, then he would never truly be able to love you as Christ loves the church, which is what husbands are called to do in regard to their wives.

Yeah I agree too ... I am just weary and tired it's been like a long time so. I don't' really want to put any hopes up at this point for that and move one but with an open and willing heart. If he does come to Christ.

I honestly have little hope for them as well because I know their tendencies towards evil. At the same time, we can look to someone like Saul of Tarsus and find some hope.

Amen yes that is what we always have to remember the Bible is all about God but it is written by broken people. But yeah the closeness to the tendencies and things like that is something I am painfully aware off. Just like Jesus who was cast out of his own town. When you are close there can be little faith or respect there.

I do want the best for him, but I also can't go on being neglected amongst other things that he has done for a long time. I have always found a way to get strength from the Lord that has helped me grow, but abuse is abuse and neglect is neglect at the end of the day. And I can't go back to that. living under my own and his cowardice.

Maybe he will learn and be better to the next person if he gets that far idk. but I know it isn't fruitful to think about. Like you said with your own friends who have tendencies towards evil, sometimes all you can do is pray, especially in hopelessness. Sometimes my prayers are just askign God to prove me wrong - I desire to be wrong so badly.

That would be a tremendous testimony of God's transforming power that I would love to hear.

Yes, that was the first thing I thought when all of this started. That this would be a testimony and he would finally be emotionally intelligent and have a new fire and relationship with God that would flourish in our lives and help others.

If there is a way then I pray God will make it so, but again I am trying to leave it to God. I pray the same for the people in your own personal life as well.

Honestly, I haven't been that great. Almost entirely due to my job situation and how it is negatively affecting different aspects of my life, but like everybody else, I have other pressing challenges in life too. I am confident that God will get me through all of this somehow. That seems to be his track record with me, rescuing me from situations that I am unable to escape or deal with on my own.

I didn't go to church yesterday, but I kind of had a church service of my own last night.

I'm sorry about the job situation I will continue to pray about that and any other matters pressing you down - God knows the details

I understand though about church not being the best. I hope that you are able to go regularly though in this time of suffering. I made sure to keep going to church on days that I didn't want to. (ironically I am actually very private when it comes to irl stuff) So going to church knowing people know about the loss, the marriage all of that was and is unbearable and I could hardly remember the sermons after, but I know it is good because the Lord tells us to have fellowship with one another.

HEBREWS 10:24-25
And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

https://enduringword.com/bible-commentary/hebrews-10/
(source): Enduring word

It's when we are disocuraged, wounded, ashamed and exhausted that we somehow beleive it is time to step away or we find excuses not to join in fellowship. That could be the enemy talking, but also just our fallen fleshed. We naturally do not want to be with the Lord.

I remember my pastor saying what worship is all about, and I will never forget it. He said worship, coming to church and listening to God's word together, is for God not for us.

Forsaking fellowship is a way to feed out discouragement. And honestly sometimes talking like that scares me, because I avoid woke and hyper charismatic things like the plague. But in this case, this is just scripture. When we feed into discouragement, it makes the suffering longer. Don't do that to yourself, go so that you can be recharged, and your spirit can be refed.

We wound up talking on the phone for 4 hours and 38 minutes,

I am so glad that he went to talk to you though instead of doing anything else while intoxicated. And I am glad like you said there was a seed that was planted.

He also said something to me that totally surprised me. He told me that he really respects me, which pretty much blew my mind because he has railed against me in the past because of my honesty and integrity at work and also mocked me for it in a general sense. Last night, he was praising me for it while asking me for advice on how to become a real man.

I guess it is my turn to tell you - really?
I am not shocked that this person respects you, even if that turns into mockery on a daily basis. I think people who don't have Christ can only listen to their hearts, which are painfully sick who can trust it.

And that means their admiration turns into a threat of something that they desire but are not willing to get for themselves, because repentant isa big thing. it's easy, but very big when all you know is sin, and to some degree still think that some sins are good.

I can see your integrity too, I saw the post with your public apology, I don't know what the original message was. But I did read the apology reply and my heart was touched with your integrity and even stirred thing inside of me to check my own heart to see if I had done anything similar and needed to make peace with anyone.

MATTHEW 5:24
leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

I am praying he comes to you again though soon with more questions. last week one highlight from the sermon was when he said ' to many, we Christian are the only Bible they'll ever read." we need to make sure we walk with integrity as ambassadors of Christ.

And clearly your friend sees that and that may be why he is struggling, because he sees there are two different citizenships.

 

[passion84god]

I do want the best for him, but I also can't go on being neglected amongst other things that he has done for a long time. I have always found a way to get strength from the Lord that has helped me grow, but abuse is abuse and neglect is neglect at the end of the day. And I can't go back to that. living under my own and his cowardice.

Maybe he will learn and be better to the next person if he gets that far idk. but I know it isn't fruitful to think about. Like you said with your own friends who have tendencies towards evil, sometimes all you can do is pray, especially in hopelessness. Sometimes my prayers are just askign God to prove me wrong - I desire to be wrong so badly.

I totally understand. Totally.

I'm sorry about the job situation I will continue to pray about that and any other matters pressing you down - God knows the details

Thank you. I truly appreciate it. More than you could possibly imagine.

It's when we are disocuraged, wounded, ashamed and exhausted that we somehow beleive it is time to step away or we find excuses not to join in fellowship. That could be the enemy talking, but also just our fallen fleshed. We naturally do not want to be with the Lord.

I remember my pastor saying what worship is all about, and I will never forget it. He said worship, coming to church and listening to God's word together, is for God not for us.

Forsaking fellowship is a way to feed out discouragement. And honestly sometimes talking like that scares me, because I avoid woke and hyper charismatic things like the plague. But in this case, this is just scripture. When we feed into discouragement, it makes the suffering longer. Don't do that to yourself, go so that you can be recharged, and your spirit can be refed.

It's not really a matter of me forsaking fellowship. My work week or roadshows run from at least Thursday through Sunday and sometimes from Wednesday through Sunday, so I cannot really go to church unless I find a new job, which I am actively seeking to do. The last time that I attended a service was about 6 1/2 months ago at a local church, and to be honest, it left me more grieved than edified. Just another lifeless 4-point sermon that seemed like a boring monologue. No real substance. More sleep-inducing than anything else. The people there seemed nice, but all they could talk to me about was the snacks and drinks that were going to be served in an adjacent building after the service. The pastor did take the time to introduce himself to me, so that was good. However, I did email him the following day, and he never responded to my email. If I can be totally honest, then I have found more fellowship here, with certain individuals, than I have at any church service that comes to mind. Even in our conversations, I find an openness and a true desire to discuss and walk the Christian life. When I "go to church," it all just seems like a place to meet, exchange empty and superficial pleasantries, and then down some snacks. To make matters worse, the snacks weren't even good. I do have a few Christian friends in real life that I physically fellowship with at times, but not in a formal church setting.​

I guess it is my turn to tell you - really?
I am not shocked that this person respects you, even if that turns into mockery on a daily basis. I think people who don't have Christ can only listen to their hearts, which are painfully sick who can trust it.

And that means their admiration turns into a threat of something that they desire but are not willing to get for themselves, because repentant isa big thing. it's easy, but very big when all you know is sin, and to some degree still think that some sins are good.

My co-worker just turned 24 a couple of weeks ago. All that he ever talked to me about before was his sexual conquests. He is on some apps where people connect simply to hook up sexually, and he does that on a weekly basis. Literally everywhere that he works because he travels a lot. Worse still, he feels the need to text me about his conquests quite frequently, often sending me profile pictures of the women he is hooking up with.. I have told him several times that I do not agree with his lifestyle or disrespect for women. In fact, I told him that again last night. Here's the interesting part though. Last night, he began to open up to me. He told me that his life, between the years of 16 and 22, was not normal. He didn't elaborate on it too much, but he did tell me that he would like to explain it to me in person sometime soon. He also said that his sexual conquests were an attempt to make up for lost time, whatever that means. Of course, I reiterated to him that I don't approve of that type of lifestyle, and I was able to explain to him how he should truly view and relate to women. Surprisingly, he listened to what I had to say and even agreed with a lot of it.

Just allowing him to speak, even if he was very drunk at the time, I got to learn a lot about him and his own struggles. Apparently, both of his parents were adopted as children, and he doesn't even know his own heritage or ethnicity. He also has a very strained or non-existent relationship with his father, and yesterday was "Father's Day" here in America. That might have something to do with his drinking problem. Anyhow, he opened up about a bunch of other things as well, and that is why we were on the phone for so long a time. Understanding him better now, I feel better enabled to potentially share the gospel with him more effectively. Is this a reason why I have been working this horrible job for so long? Did God, in his foreknowledge, desire for me to minister the gospel to this person? Possibly. If so, then it would alleviate some of the despair that I have been experiencing while working such a seemingly meaningless job.​

I can see your integrity too, I saw the post with your public apology, I don't know what the original message was. But I did read the apology reply and my heart was touched with your integrity and even stirred thing inside of me to check my own heart to see if I had done anything similar and needed to make peace with anyone.

I am still ashamed of myself for that, but I have learned from it, and I will be a better man going forward. I definitely agree with the scripture you posted, and that is something that I meditate upon often.​

I am praying he comes to you again though soon with more questions. last week one highlight from the sermon was when he said ' to many, we Christian are the only Bible they'll ever read." we need to make sure we walk with integrity as ambassadors of Christ.

And clearly your friend sees that and that may be why he is struggling, because he sees there are two different citizenships.

The Bible does refer to Christians as being "living epistles," so there is definitely truth to that.

 

[passion84god]

But in this case, this is just scripture.

I've been desirous to ask you a question to satisfy my own curiosity, so I hope that you don't mind me asking it here.

May I ask how you got saved?

The reason why I am curious is because you seem to not only be knowledgeable in the word, but you also certainly seem to have a true desire to live out your Christian faith. I am sorry, but that is not something that I am accustomed to seeing in people who simply "go to church." Do you spend a lot of time in prayer and Bible reading? Whatever you are doing, keep at it. It truly is refreshing to see.​

 

[ciicii]

I totally understand. Totally.

Thank you. I truly appreciate it. More than you could possibly imagine.

It's not really a matter of me forsaking fellowship. My work week or roadshows run from at least Thursday through Sunday and sometimes from Wednesday through Sunday, so I cannot really go to church unless I find a new job, which I am actively seeking to do. The last time that I attended a service was about 6 1/2 months ago at a local church, and to be honest, it left me more grieved than edified. Just another lifeless 4-point sermon that seemed like a boring monologue. No real substance. More sleep-inducing than anything else. The people there seemed nice, but all they could talk to me about was the snacks and drinks that were going to be served in an adjacent building after the service. The pastor did take the time to introduce himself to me, so that was good. However, I did email him the following day, and he never responded to my email. If I can be totally honest, then I have found more fellowship here, with certain individuals, than I have at any church service that comes to mind. Even in our conversations, I find an openness and a true desire to discuss and walk the Christian life. When I "go to church," it all just seems like a place to meet, exchange empty and superficial pleasantries, and then down some snacks. To make matters worse, the snacks weren't even good. I do have a few Christian friends in real life that I physically fellowship with at times, but not in a formal church setting.

My co-worker just turned 24 a couple of weeks ago. All that he ever talked to me about before was his sexual conquests. He is on some apps where people connect simply to hook up sexually, and he does that on a weekly basis. Literally everywhere that he works because he travels a lot. Worse still, he feels the need to text me about his conquests quite frequently, often sending me profile pictures of the women he is hooking up with.. I have told him several times that I do not agree with his lifestyle or disrespect for women. In fact, I told him that again last night. Here's the interesting part though. Last night, he began to open up to me. He told me that his life, between the years of 16 and 22, was not normal. He didn't elaborate on it too much, but he did tell me that he would like to explain it to me in person sometime soon. He also said that his sexual conquests were an attempt to make up for lost time, whatever that means. Of course, I reiterated to him that I don't approve of that type of lifestyle, and I was able to explain to him how he should truly view and relate to women. Surprisingly, he listened to what I had to say and even agreed with a lot of it.

Just allowing him to speak, even if he was very drunk at the time, I got to learn a lot about him and his own struggles. Apparently, both of his parents were adopted as children, and he doesn't even know his own heritage or ethnicity. He also has a very strained or non-existent relationship with his father, and yesterday was "Father's Day" here in America. That might have something to do with his drinking problem. Anyhow, he opened up about a bunch of other things as well, and that is why we were on the phone for so long a time. Understanding him better now, I feel better enabled to potentially share the gospel with him more effectively. Is this a reason why I have been working this horrible job for so long? Did God, in his foreknowledge, desire for me to minister the gospel to this person? Possibly. If so, then it would alleviate some of the despair that I have been experiencing while working such a seemingly meaningless job.

I am still ashamed of myself for that, but I have learned from it, and I will be a better man going forward. I definitely agree with the scripture you posted, and that is something that I meditate upon often.​

The Bible does refer to Christians as being "living epistles," so there is definitely truth to that.

I understand what you mean about work I have a nother friend becuase fo work she only comes in every other week. but 6 1/2 months is a long time to not go to church.

You should go on some kind of church hunt when you can becuase it will help you. You just need to find the right one. That is what I had to do as well. One thing I enjoyed is that some churches offer sermons more than just on sunday.

Mine doesn't but we do have fellowship, half days of prayer, adult bible study on tuesdays and more bible study before church and weekly prayer sessions.

Maybe try to find a small church so then you can have the fellowship, I know that that is what I craved a lot in a church. it isn't just coming to listen to the sermon, it is about knowing each other too. Like you said before about not really connecting to people other than just talking about snacks and all that.

I 100% get that, especially talking with you and others on this chat, it is something I have been totally starving for, and it is rare.

That is while about your friend confiding in you. And I do understand what he means though having sexual encounters to make up for lost time. I fell into that trap too becuase of a lack of a father figure.

I still love my dad and all, but beign told to be ashamed of my body, called a prostetute for weiring shorts that were alwasy longer than the 'booty short' as young as like 9, so much. Eventually when I was finally on my own I desired some kind of masculine care that I didnt' get from my father and that turned into sleepign around and prayign one of them would stay.

Of course I came to christ and stopped immediately, but i understand he may be trying to make up for lost time or become something he feels he has never been able to fully become.

But I am looking forward to you helping him or just being an ear for him. especially if you are able to see that this may be a reason why God has put you in the current work position you are in. even if you get another job sooner than later, it will be great knowing he has your contact info and has the bond established.

I am sorry again about church though but emphasizing again how important it is for you to have a church family. : )

 

[ciicii]

I've been desirous to ask you a question to satisfy my own curiosity, so I hope that you don't mind me asking it here.

May I ask how you got saved?

The reason why I am curious is because you seem to not only be knowledgeable in the word, but you also certainly seem to have a true desire to live out your Christian faith. I am sorry, but that is not something that I am accustomed to seeing in people who simply "go to church." Do you spend a lot of time in prayer and Bible reading? Whatever you are doing, keep at it. It truly is refreshing to see.​

Oh thank you so much telling me you can see that - I always think I am the opposite. (I am literally crying)

I grew up in a Christian home but my dad used the gospel as a way to dictate people instead of learning about Christ. But I have always just had the desire to be happy in oneness in Christ and have always viewed happiness and oneness in Christ creates everything else I desire - everyone else just living at peace under the Lord.

And yes I spend a lot of time in prayer and bible study. I love asking questions about everything and bringing everything back to Christ because he made everything and that has helped me a lot I think. Since I have always been a people pleaser.

But anyway when i left home I started sleeping around and trying to compromise in order to get what I wanted which was just a union and when I was totally miserable and realized nothing was working on my birthday I kind of wanted to end everything and someone came into my life but I also sent out a prayer to be with someone and that was answered, and ever since then I realized that I can't get what I want without Christ.

So I ended up putting away the joke of being a 'bad christian' to being a devout christian and trying my best and that just kept on growing. Now it seems I cannot separate the two, living life through a christian lens and whatever a worldly lens is, everything is a reminder of his presence.

That happened in 2017 and then in 2020 during covid is when I really decided to give myself to the Lord fully when I slipped and tried to mix my faith with a bunch fo things and it just didn't work. But I found out a lot of things all come back to being for or against Christ. (for me it was the kundalini spirit in yoga ... it worked and it scared me).

I think that is all i can really say, sorry I have never tried to write it all out before.

I would love to know more about your own salvation though since you seem to be also pretty rare as a someone who is just as open as me but also a man that is open too is very unique. was that always the case? whenever you express repentance and stuff i can always hear a deep pain I figured is from past experiences all coming back at once.

When were you saved, how did that happen for you?

 

[passion84god]

Oh thank you so much telling me you can see that - I always think I am the opposite. (I am literally crying)

I'm sorry for the crying part, but reading some of your testimony, I can certainly understand why you have struggled with doubts about your self-worth at times. Hopefully, you now recognize that you are in Christ and that the Father loves you with the same love wherewith he loves Jesus. Jesus prayed that you would come to this realization. John 17:20, 25-26.​

I would love to know more about your own salvation though since you seem to be also pretty rare as a someone who is just as open as me but also a man that is open too is very unique. was that always the case? whenever you express repentance and stuff i can always hear a deep pain I figured is from past experiences all coming back at once.

When were you saved, how did that happen for you?

As I said before, my salvation experience was rather uneventful. Between my own conscience and the conviction of the Holy Ghost, I saw how sinful I was in God's eyes, and I genuinely repented while asking Jesus to save me. That's about it. I didn't really know anything about the Bible at that time, but I had obviously heard some things about Jesus. Apparently, I truly became born again at that time because all of my desires changed, and my mindset definitely changed from a temporal one to an eternal one. It took some time to put those new desires and that new mindset into practice, but through genuine repentance and renewing my mind daily with God's word, I eventually wound up as I am today, whatever that means.

To answer your question, I have always been open, even before getting saved, but I really never had anybody to be open with. In a very real sense, I've been sort of an orphan since my teen years. My parents died relatively young, and my only relatives are very distant relatives that I never talk to. My profile picture pretty much sums up my life, not that I am complaining. Like I said the other day, you play the hand that you are dealt, while relying totally upon God.

I find the "deep pain" part interesting because I honestly don't see that in myself. Even in my marathon phone call last night, the drunk who knows quite a bit about me said that he was surprised that I'm so funny and stable after some of the things that I've been through. I think that the "deep pain" you are picking up on more has to do with how horrible I feel when I think that I am out of God's will or that I have misrepresented Christ. My theology is basically that God created me, I rebelled against him, he sent Jesus to save me, and now I am not my own. Therefore, I seek to live my life according to the will of the God who purchased me with Christ's blood, but a lot of times I honestly don't know what his will is. That is what grieves me or causes me "deep pain" because I feel like I am merely existing without any real purpose. I don't know if any of that makes sense or not, but I'm just a guy who got saved and wants to help others.​

 

[passion84god]

I grew up in a Christian home but my dad used the gospel as a way to dictate people instead of learning about Christ.

He sounds like the dad in "Dragonwyck."​

 

[ciicii]

I'm sorry for the crying part, but reading some of your testimony, I can certainly understand why you have struggled with doubts about your self-worth at times. Hopefully, you now recognize that you are in Christ and that the Father loves you with the same love wherewith he loves Jesus. Jesus prayed that you would come to this realization. John 17:20, 25-26.

As I said before, my salvation experience was rather uneventful. Between my own conscience and the conviction of the Holy Ghost, I saw how sinful I was in God's eyes, and I genuinely repented while asking Jesus to save me. That's about it. I didn't really know anything about the Bible at that time, but I had obviously heard some things about Jesus. Apparently, I truly became born again at that time because all of my desires changed, and my mindset definitely changed from a temporal one to an eternal one. It took some time to put those new desires and that new mindset into practice, but through genuine repentance and renewing my mind daily with God's word, I eventually wound up as I am today, whatever that means.

To answer your question, I have always been open, even before getting saved, but I really never had anybody to be open with. In a very real sense, I've been sort of an orphan since my teen years. My parents died relatively young, and my only relatives are very distant relatives that I never talk to. My profile picture pretty much sums up my life, not that I am complaining. Like I said the other day, you play the hand that you are dealt, while relying totally upon God.

I find the "deep pain" part interesting because I honestly don't see that in myself. Even in my marathon phone call last night, the drunk who knows quite a bit about me said that he was surprised that I'm so funny and stable after some of the things that I've been through. I think that the "deep pain" you are picking up on more has to do with how horrible I feel when I think that I am out of God's will or that I have misrepresented Christ. My theology is basically that God created me, I rebelled against him, he sent Jesus to save me, and now I am not my own. Therefore, I seek to live my life according to the will of the God who purchased me with Christ's blood, but a lot of times I honestly don't know what his will is. That is what grieves me or causes me "deep pain" because I feel like I am merely existing without any real purpose. I don't know if any of that makes sense or not, but I'm just a guy who got saved and wants to help others.​

no need to apologize, they are good tears, I am touched is all. my eyes water a lot XD

Jesus prayed that you would come to this realization. John 17:20, 25-26.

Thank you having the reminders so frequently have been helping with like penetrating my heart in the best way.
These verses are perfect too.

As I said before, my salvation experience was rather uneventful.

I don't think it is uneventful, being convicted not knowing much about Christ and then being saved and living for him. That i spretty miraculous.

And also that is fair, you have always been open. I am the same way, I have found it to be a bit of a hinderance to making friends but I am pretty sure that's because I was looking for Godly fellowship with unsaved circles.

My parents died relatively young, and my only relatives are very distant relatives that I never talk to. My profile picture pretty much sums up my life, not that I am complaining. Like I said the other day, you play the hand that you are dealt, while relying totally upon God.

I am really sorry for your loss btw, sincere condolences. It is not easy being far from family and losing family, especially when you are young. I pray that void continues to get filled though. I am happy that you have connections here and irl as your family in Christ, which arguable is better (David and Jonathan) I love their friendship so much!

and yeah things may not be our fault but it is our problem. not fair but we still have to deal with it. I still struggle with that a lot tbh. But like you said that's life.
(on earth can't wait for the new one tbh)

I think that the "deep pain" you are picking up on more has to do with how horrible I feel when I think that I am out of God's will or that I have misrepresented Christ.

I think so, like you said constantly reflecting on ourselves is painful because we aren't perfect. the best we can be is blameless and that still requires daily repentance. Job is a huge eye opener for me on that. But that is a serious deep pain, i guess deep pain is the wrong word, maybe a deep longing is a better word. either way it is intense but necessary.

That is what grieves me or causes me "deep pain" because I feel like I am merely existing without any real purpose. I don't know if any of that makes sense or not, but I'm just a guy who got saved and wants to help others.

And yes that 100% makes sense, I experience that a lot, just floating around not thinking life is real at times or forgetting who I am. (I know who I am but my existence seems to be off somehow). I think some are more sensitive than others but it is probably because we are not of this world. When God made the world his design was for us to walk with him, and all of that sopped after the fall. We can't live without our father, and that is what life on earth is, and it hurt a lot.

I think just how God made you you may be more aware of that. I feel the same way when it comes to my purpose. I always want to do things for God constantly, or else it feels like i am not living out any real purpose, even though we are called to do all things as though unto God. So all that to just say I get it.

I am sorry, but also glad you have that, I think having that fire is what keeps us close to God in the end so I guess it is a good pain to have.

 

[ciicii]

He sounds like the dad in "Dragonwyck."​

lol yeah I guess in a way.
He is generous and all but everything is material, he is not saved. He did try but it just didn't work. He got stuck in a lot of racial nonsense like black Hebrew Israelites and hating white people, stuff like that.
I remember talking to him once about his anger when i was older because i didn't want him to be alone when all his kids move out, but he said God made him with his anger which means he doesn't have to change.
I kind of left him alone after that. Unfortunately my family is very broken. I am praying if a have a chance at a family I can avoid all of that stuff but we never know the future so just working on myself ig. I find that bittersweet XD
kind of like dragonwyck as well

 

[passion84god]

I am really sorry for your loss btw, sincere condolences.

I appreciate that, but I truly am okay.​

 

[passion84god]

I am praying if a have a chance at a family I can avoid all of that stuff but we never know the future so just working on myself ig.

In many ways, we do not know the future, but we do know the one who holds it in his hands. I know that it is hard for you to see this right now with all that you are going through, but all things truly do work together for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose. All things, ciicii. Even the horrific things that you are currently dealing with.

As an outsider looking in, I can already see some of the good in your situation. Although it is obviously not the desired means by which you want to come to this realization, I do truly believe that your ordeal will assist you in seeing your true worth in God's eyes and how much he loves you. We all rely too much on people at times, and when they disappoint us, especially those who are the closest to us, it can definitely do a number on our psyches. In the midst of human failure, I am fully confident that God will show himself strong on your behalf. God loves you, ciicii, and like you quoted the other day, he will not allow you to be tempted or tried beyond that which you are able to bear. He will make a way of escape for you, and as hard as it is to imagine at this moment, you will come out stronger and more assured of God's love for you on the other side.

This particular "good" might be harder to swallow. We are admonished in scripture to overcome evil with good. In order for this to happen, we need to have evils to overcome. Judas is called Jesus' "familiar friend" in scripture, and Jesus chose him, knowing full well that he would eventually betray him. Despite that, he still loved Judas until the end. He also healed a man who had come out to arrest him, and he also asked the Father to forgive those who crucified him. In our own natural strength and wisdom, we simply cannot behave or respond in like manner. However, if God can bring us to the place where we are truly crucified with Christ, then Christ living in us can assist us in fulfilling this part of our callings. You are going to make it through, ciicii. I cannot tell you exactly how or when, but when you do, you will bear an even greater resemblance to Christ than you presently do.

You and your husband are in my prayers.​

 

[ciicii]

In many ways, we do not know the future, but we do know the one who holds it in his hands. I know that it is hard for you to see this right now with all that you are going through, but all things truly do work together for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose. All things, ciicii. Even the horrific things that you are currently dealing with.

As an outsider looking in, I can already see some of the good in your situation. Although it is obviously not the desired means by which you want to come to this realization, I do truly believe that your ordeal will assist you in seeing your true worth in God's eyes and how much he loves you. We all rely too much on people at times, and when they disappoint us, especially those who are the closest to us, it can definitely do a number on our psyches. In the midst of human failure, I am fully confident that God will show himself strong on your behalf. God loves you, ciicii, and like you quoted the other day, he will not allow you to be tempted or tried beyond that which you are able to bear. He will make a way of escape for you, and as hard as it is to imagine at this moment, you will come out stronger and more assured of God's love for you on the other side.

This particular "good" might be harder to swallow. We are admonished in scripture to overcome evil with good. In order for this to happen, we need to have evils to overcome. Judas is called Jesus' "familiar friend" in scripture, and Jesus chose him, knowing full well that he would eventually betray him. Despite that, he still loved Judas until the end. He also healed a man who had come out to arrest him, and he also asked the Father to forgive those who crucified him. In our own natural strength and wisdom, we simply cannot behave or respond in like manner. However, if God can bring us to the place where we are truly crucified with Christ, then Christ living in us can assist us in fulfilling this part of our callings. You are going to make it through, ciicii. I cannot tell you exactly how or when, but when you do, you will bear an even greater resemblance to Christ than you presently do.

You and your husband are in my prayers.​

Thanks,
yeah hopefully it comes sooner than later I am tired lol.
thank you for the kind words though and you are right he will give us a way to escape temptations. I do want to be closer to God and content it's just hard to admit that when everything else I care about or wanted is being destroyed.
even with the good stuff that i see like the chat, other friends, more independence and so on. I feel a bit guilty. a friend was talking to me about that conviction.
When God provides but you are ungrateful still, or feel ungrateful when things are too much and you want a new prayer answered. I won't get into the details but we both worked in the same place that has a pretty toxic work environment (and I don't use that word often, this girl has gone through 4 assistant managers alone in less than a year so it is tough working there).

But that is how i feel sometimes when i can list how the situation is technically getting better, but not in the direction i would like (restoration) so I find it very hard to fully thank God, I am still sad about and just hurt. And that makes me feel guilty for being ungrateful and probably making this sufferign longer? I am not sure.

I still try to do the actions I know is right but the condition of the heart is important to me and it bother me that my heart isn't all there, and probably won't be until some serious life prayers are answered which is sad to say. And that may change idk God is always changing my heart but right now that is how it feels.

Knowing God who knows our future is better, but for the past few years honestly I have felt so distant from God. Which is why the future seems so tiresome. I am making plans of course but nothing is guaranteed, and honestly I still have some pesimistic views when I do try to do anything, with a lot ot back it up.

Of course I try not to listen to those things, or at least not let my actions be swayed by that hopelessness becuase I know it is not true or Good. Thank God for his word, but it is still hard to ignore those feelings/thoughts.

sorry for dumping so much I am just genuinely sharing XD I find it encouraging to see more christians be open about the uglier sides of things so they know they aren't alone, that is what has always helped me. But sorry if anythign is too heavy.