My Atheist Story

[Femalelamb]

Please excuse typos and auto correct. I will have to edit later.
Hmmm I was an atheist until 2001 at 31 years old. I actually had not lost anyone supper close to me ever. Death was far away from me in that respect. I grew up in the south eastern US so you'd think people would have preached at me every second. Actually never once did anyone, ever talk to me about Jesus dying on the cross. I even went to a few church fellowships growing up. I went to Episcopalian, Presbyterian, and attended church camp, as well as bible school at some Luthern and Methodist fellowships. I still look back and think how truly stange that was. Growing up in the Bible Belt. I even had a baby shower and wedding shower at the same time at a Baptist fellowship and still no one Said anything about the gospel or the Word of God. I was a made a member of the Presbyterian fellowship at age twelve after meeting with an older couple several times who had me memorize a small booklet of Catocisms. (I'm a horrible speller... So sorry to those it irritates.)

Aside from telling my life story, I think I had a small belief when I was in grade school. I'm not sure but vaguely remember someone told me that I could say Jesus when I was afraid. I remember doing this alone in the middle of the night because I was afraid of the dark.

Move forward to high school age. I wanted to be included. Turns out I'm still very extroverted so this now makes sense. I grew up in the 80s so bullying was very real and harsh especially among the girls I grew up with. I grew up around all these bible belt folks in a small town in SC. I do not recall anyone who ever stuck their neck out for me except one Catholic girl and a few atheist pot head buddies of mine. So what do you suppose I did? I was also bullied by my own family... So my pot head buddies became my main crowd, my family for years to come. It was fine with many I grew up with but I was attractive and well I attracked all kinds in that group. I always try to tell young people just because they give you attention or are attracked to you does not mean they will be beneficial to your heart and future now...

I went down a very dark path. I grew up reading books of the occult and more. I was an MTV generation, and I embraced it all. I was also musically lead and artistic so it just tied a nice little atheist bow.

Sin? Well hell yea. Why would I care about what others thought of what I did if I didn't care about what God thought. And well I just believed He didn't exist and that basically we were worm dirt when we died. I did hide things because of social and legal reasons... Basically a sociopath. I lied for any reason that might benefit myself. People treated me like dirt. I cared for years because it was part of who I was. Now I know that I can have my personality and chose whom I trust carefully.

continued in comments...

 

[Femalelamb]

However my my senior year dramatically changed how much I caredabout others... To a hatred foralmosteveryone. I was bullied not only by normal mean people but all who I had grown close to or cared about. My family didnt matter unless I needed money. My friends all out all betrayed me. Anyone I felt for cheated or dumped me after they got what they wanted. Did I forgive? Hell no. No one ever taught me about forgiveness or trust. My parents were too busy covering up their rebellious child for. Embarrassment in social circles, and building their Amerian dream to notice what was really happening. Btw, my Dad died last words were "Im sorry I didn't do more." THATS anothr post though. No one ever taught mehowbeing bitter was like eating poison and expecting someone else to die from it. So I tucked all that bitterness inside and tried to be tough. I wasn't. Suicide was my closest friend... Although no one knew how bad off I was. Honestly maybe two friends cared about me my senior year. I still talk to one.

ok it's hard not to explain my life for you to understandin Athesit path. Now I do not speak for anyone but myself. I do know that many of those I know personally can relate with me though...

At the end of my senior year I ended up quitting school pregnant two weeks before I graduated because of the bullies and gang of so called christian friends I grew up with who turned on me for reasons I still do not understand almost 30 years later. One person out of at least a hundred girls has ever apologized for their cruelty. And my dad is the only family to sincerely apologize for letting me down.

Now let me just add that I. As a. Full on party girl but also functioning. I was a cheerleader, I received awards for grades, I was Vice President of the art honor society and more. My mother was even a teacher until my senior year. I was raised in the richest neighborhoods. My parents never divorced. I was not sexually abused. Well not until I was 14 and it was my decison to allow it... That's another story. Like I sid I attracked all kinds. The boys in my grade weren't interested in me. I was very underdeveloped. I was 100 pounds when I finished high school. I was always small. Older guys didn't mind that so much.

ok so you get my childhood summary in a nut shell.

After that I was pressured by my soon to be baby daughters dads family to marry him. They were baptist. I really didn't love him that much but. I thought I would be happy and maybe a reason to live. That is so sad for an18 year old, right! still no one read the bible. No one actually rationed Jesus. Just much negative talk about abortions, blacks, and gays. I kept my mouth shut because I was scared and having a baby and no money car or home. So I lived with his family in their trailor. I was too embarrassed to use the food stamps they helped me to get. I was embarrassed at being pregnant. So I kept my now husbands siblings and gave them all my food stamps. I also cleaned their filth house. Now I realizewhat a deal they got. I thought it was a big deal they gave me three or four outfits. For my baby and a car seat, and a ride to the doctors. Wow. I was just looking for acceptance. I got it for a few minutes from them. My family did not take part in that wedding or pregnancy or child birth. That would grow a huge bitter root on top of several abortions as a teen. Now that seems very personl but I will get back to that at the end of my post... I was an. Ahesit. I believed my evolutionist friends and mom who told me it wash use tissue...although deep down I knew how old that child would be and I wondered if it was a boy or. Girl. And I was heart. Broken that my boyfriends didn't care at all.

His family ended up taking sides against me often when my husband was drink and abusive. Finally I lefthim when my daughter was eight months old and he tried to attack me.

I moved back home butto another state. Thinking a fresh start even though my family was just a resource still. I. Enrolled in college and got a job. My parents paid for everything as always. I just was a party girl mom now. Yes I agree my parents wereenaler. That's another story and I soover it now anywa, but it's part ofmy life and who I was. I was self centere. Selfish. Even having a child was about me. But still I functioned well for the world. I kept up appearances. I was clean. I took good physical care of my daughter. I loved her. I raised her pretty well considering. I was determined to treat her better. Unfortunately spoiling her rotten was not better... I'm still paying that price as well as my two grandsons four and five years old almost now.[

 

[Femalelamb]

i ended up dropping out of college and becoming a bartender. I still had a desire to love and be loved. I agree with the above atheist. Just because someone doesntbelieve in Goddoesnt mean they weren't with goals, hopes, and could lead normal lives... I love what Robin Williams characters brother said I. The recent movie An Extremely Angry man... Or something like that title says, "The only normal people you know are the ones you don't know very well." Ain't that the truth! Everyone has their junk. Do not let anyone fool you! Why do you think this largest medication industry in the world is antidepressants and mind altering meds? It's a broken messed up selfish mean world we live in. And non of us are immune ️regardless of race, beliefs, financial status, career, mistakes, success.

Ok ok so bar tending and party girl go hand in hand. My partying was my fun free time. It helpedme to numb my mind from the regret in my life, from the hurtful friends and family... Including serious betrayal by the one friend I still talk to but at this time I my first husband along with fifteen other women in the year and a half I was married to him. Most of them weremy so called friends.

So yep, more bitterness. And well who wouldn't be? All that before age 22 was a lot for anyone.

I ended up dating a guy who manipulated m into crazy sexual stuff. Also I was soul tied to him and thought he was the love of my life. I believe that I thougt I didn't deserve better... Sometimes I still. Wonder if I'm still that way. I'm being real here. Just know if I'm talking it's real. And if I make a mistake I will really admit to it. What have I got to loose! Right?

Anyway, my family moved to another city and kicked me out. I scraped by and I continued to see the guy who we broke up and got backs one ther do many. Times I lost count. That was the next ten years. I also ended up working in night clubs. But somewhere I went back to collegeand graduated on the deans list. I told you I was functioning. I couldn't keep a day job ever though, so I stayedin the club industry. Drugs, sex, parties, and class room mom. That was me. My daughter excelled in school. She won science fairs and was nominated for the gifted. Had I known I could have had her retested she probably would have been in the gifted.

ok so 2000 I got burn out. I decided to try really hard to go legit. Lol I lnded a few so called regular jobs with some what I used to call Holy Rollers. And guess what? They treated me like utter crap. Some fired me because I wouldn't lie to customers. One fired meaftergetting me to change real estate contracts and I got a bad sinus infections and missed a few days... That guy would read his bible at his desk rightin front of me every morning. Niceeee right?. another I found missing money in large quantities. And another I wouldn't lie to temporary employees about their up coming employment. I just didn't like screwing people for no reason other then them making money. It ticked me off.and every single one of them outwardly talked. About being a Chrsitian. But still not one ever talked about the Bible or Jesus on the cross. I will not repeat the names I called all of them. Btwtwo of them paid me. Severance pay to keep my mouth shut. I seriously doubt any of them considered how theI attitude and horrible behavior affected me in my own faith. It made me be an Athesit the spoke out more and let others know it and if they thought I was angry I didn't care. To me they were all full of crap.

 

[Femalelamb]

Except at this very time in my life I had a neighbor. He would sit by me drinking beer at a dock in our neighborhood. He talked to me about God some. Honestly. He got on my nerves a little. But his daughter hung out with mine. He even let her spend the night at my house. Heading act like he was better than me not once. Later that would come back to mind, and remind me of how to treat others. "The best sermons are lived, not preached."

I finally came came to my senses about the boyfriend of ten years. I. Went back to barge ding because I could keep that job and makes lot of money to support my daughter who was elevenby this time, and I never got a lick of money from her dad or any help from his family. Now mine helped me often and picked up his slack. I now am Greatful for their financial support and realize it was a huge blessing in my life.

Funny thin, my last bartender get job my boss would do Aline of coke and then read out of the bible but also ripped me off my pay although I didn't realize. Until years down the road he got audited and I got a check in the mail. Crazy folks out there. I tell you what, people will one day relize what jerks they really were in this world.

My now husband at the time was a reborn believer. He himself has. Long story of abuse and hell from me a bunch of so called Christians. But he had an experience with God that no one can talk him out of, right? So I reluctantly begin to read the bible with him. We were a trip. We were sleeping together, smoking pot, and praying to God. Well guess what, He showed up. Jesus came to me alone and told me I was forgiven. I have more detail on what happened if anyone wants to private message me. I don't just share that so personally in public.

Speaking of personal, I realize I was a very broken messed up person. I was very ashamed of many. Life choices but most of all hurting others andnd abortion. Jesus has healed that wound and has forgiven me. I will forever have that regret but I do not have the shame because I now know what the Bible says about it... And what it says about sin, and treatment of others, and more. It's not just a rule book. Read everything Jesus said that's writen in red. He came for people just like me and gainstevil "religious" people who snub their flae teachings and snobbery on the world. So many have no willingness to give Him a chance because they have the wrong pictures rom so many false teachers and false prophets and liars and people who make money of the gospel. Jesus is real. Don't take anyone's word for it. Take His. Takes Bible. Go get alone. Go pray for Him to show Himself. But be sincere because He knows your hart better than you do. And Heisnt angry with you. Heis angry with those puffed up with Christian pride treating the world like dog crap! He. Says their prayers and songs smells like feecees.

I want to add that now I forgive easier. I'm no where great at it but at least I want to. And with Gods help, I know I can love people safely and rightly and live emotionally healthy and be a good friend, good mom, good sister, good daughter, good wife, and so on. And I ont have to sacrifice who I am to do it. Like I said I'm still learning. It's not easy but most good things aren't easy but well worth the effort.

ok so fast forward to now. I've been a born again believer since July of 2001. I didn't plan it. I didn't loom for it. He came to me. Is my life perfect? Hell no. Am I? Way no! Do I love God? I want to love Him rightly. For the last 14 years I've been letting the blind lead me, the Blind. I am begining to understand now and reaching for Gods Holy Spirit to fill my heart daily. Something I still rarely hear any believer deal with. I'm not shunning them, judt stating a fact. Now I'm learning to seek God. I'm learning to be alone with Him and to listen for His voice to guide my life. And not as a chore or a ritual, but sincerely and enjoy it. And still be a regular person a mom a wife and all of the above... Add my blogg hereto your list of contacts, anyone. It's new. I deleted my facebook and came here just recently. I hope to find others like me, and if I reach out to share my story just know it's very true and I'm not looking down on anyone for anything. And if I can be a trust worthy friend I will. I know what untrustworthy feigns (that was supposed to be friends lol, maybe it was a Frueden Slip) and false christians look like, and they suck. I hope to truly be a good listener and I promise to pray and be as real as ever. God bless you all.