My Grown Son Told Me Today He Never Has Loved Me

  • Thread starter Thread starter Mannd
  • Start date Start date
  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
M

Mannd

Guest
My 26 year old son told me today he has never loved me. I was a single parent of two boys who are now 26 and 27. The youngest has had problems and has been in and out of jail since he was 18. He has stolen from myself and others, he has been verbally and at times physically abusive to me. I thought he was getting better after several months in an alternative jail called eocc 1 and a half years ago. But, he did move his disrespectful girlfriend into my home against my wishes. Not wanting to make waves i let it go but she became more and more disrespectful and with my son began to take over me and my husbands home. It all came to a blow today when he and his girlfriend made duragatory and hurtful comments about and to my older son (he does not live with me but, was visiting). This has been going on for several weeks to where my oldeer son is not wanting to come back. When i let the younger son know i was no longer going to tolerate this he and his girlfriend verbally ganged up on me. My son said several hurtful things including that he never has loved me. With that i kicked him and the girlfriend out of my house. I am so hurt and confused. Although i can no longer have him going against my principles and continue living under my roof, i am not positive i did the right thing. He has no job in fact in his 26 years he has not worked more than a few months. I was not a perfect parent and have made mistakes(obviously), but i have always loved my children dearly. How do i handle this in a christian way. Of course i am praying about it. Was i wrong in kicking him out i am confused. After all i created this monster as he has reminded. Any suggestions or comments welcomed
 
Sorry to hear about your situation. Dealing with our children is one of the most challenging things in life. We want them to be respectful and loving. But sometimes things just don't work out the way we expected. Makes us wonder if it's our fault or theirs. But the main thing is trying to get things back on track.

At this stage in life, the age your child has reached, it's hard to have as much influence. If your son chooses to be disrespectful, verbally and physically abusive, I hesitate to say how I would deal with him. But you should find someone he might listen to as a source of help.

Praying for you and your children. God Bless!
 
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and your prayers.
 
Oh Dear mother my heart goes out to you, I pray that you will stand strong in your decision. It may be a time before you feel positive about your decision and this will begin when your son starts showing and treating you with respect. Guilty parenting is the worst kind of parenting it puts the parent under the control and submission of the child and it benefits no-one in the long term.

I can understand your hurt and confusion having to remove a child (regardless) of age out of ones home is a painful place for any parent to be in.
I do not doubt the love that you have for your son, stand strong in your decision. From what you have shared you have an adult who should be independant but seems to be dependant on you I called these - child adults they want all the freedom and independance of an adult while recieving all the benefits of a child.
Just as God our loving Father discplines us out of love we must as parents follow His lead and displine our children out of love, for it is better for them to endure pain for a time than pain for an eternity.

Perfect parent...(do they really exist) the ONLY perfect parent is God, we human parents will make mistakes we can only do the best we can at the time with what we know/knew.
His words to you were only to harm you and make you feel quilty about your decision, I'm sure he does not really mean them. It was part of his tantrum just like a toddler throwing all their toys out of the cot.

I think to handle this in a Christian way is to express your love to him through words and actions standing true to your standards of acceptable behaviour within your home and setting a standard of common respect between all parties involved, along with daily prayer of course. God has your son in the palm of His hands and He loves Him even more than we earthly parents love our children, so LET GO AND LET GOD. He is more than able.:D

You and your sons will be in my prayers,
I pray that your tender mother's heart may be overflowing with peace beyond reason :)
 
Thank you so much! You are absolutely right i have been parenting out of guilt. Your words are both kind and helpful.
 
Hi Mannd, i though id share this, hope it helps.

When growing up, mom did a few mistakes with her care for me, and has felt bad for them...you could say that if i was to have any bad feelings about it i wouldnt be blamed for it; however this is not the case because at the end of the day i know its my choice on what i do. In this case i choose to love and forgive and to also honor them as the Lord has thought me for i was cared for.
I also made poor choices and paid for them dearly and can't blame her, a parent makes a descition and that it, at least one is taken with what is best in mid...dont feel bad, you obviously love him much and i am sure he knows.

What i am getting to is, dont feel bad about your decsition, you made one that will protect both. He will have to learn or pay for the choices he made. At the end of the day, every child and parent has a personal spot in their heart for family, some choose to ignore it but know its there.

We will pray to God that your son looks again in that area of his heart and remember that family is family no matter what. God Bless and may you find guidance through him.
 
About two years ago we went though alot of difficulty with our son, he was 26 then also.
With him, it was a 42 yr old woman who had made her way into his life and taken over.
We were devistated, and yet knew there was nothing we could do.
Sometimes as parents we must simply step back and put all into God's care.
You had to set your son out, so he may know that he was wrong, and hopefully learn.

Thankfully our son returned to us, repentive and sorry, and since he has worked to live a better life.
There are no garrentees, but if you did not hold your son accountable, it would have garrenteed he would have continued to worsen.
In Jesus's name, my heart and prayers are with you in doing what needed to be done.
I know the fears and concern that grip your heart, but I also know that you made the right choice.
Ill pray that Jesus brings you the peace to sleep , even though I know it will not be easy.
Ill pray your son will get through this, that his eyes will be opened, and he will return a better man, seeking Jesus and forgivness.

Huge hugs and God bless
pickles
 
sometimes people say a lot of things that they never mean. To hurt you one way or another. Allow God to heal you.
Be slow to anger. Let time heal you. You should talk with him when ur ready. Talk to his friends who knows him better. Forget your pride and you feed up ego. Reach out to him. God Bless you both.
 
I think you have to set firmer boundaries and don't feel guilty about kicking him out.

You helped raised him and gave him the love you had. Don't blame yourself and heap guilt on yourself about how he turned out. If you were not in his life loving him and giving him what you could, he might have turned out worst.

Instead of focusing on the past. pray for him now and be firm in the fact you love him but he needs to be respectful of you. Raising a child as a single parent is a lot of hard work.

Not being able to hold a steady job and being in and out of prison at 26.... I'm not sure, but perhaps there are community agencies that could help him get a job? Does he attend church?

Sometimes we have to let the people fall flat on their face to realize how much they have taken for granted: your love and your willingness to put a roof over his head and food in his stomach.

I would keep praying and waiting for him to show a truly repentant heart, one willing to be humble and respectful and learn how to work and get a job and support himself.

You should get some counseling and learn how to stop the codependent cycle.

Don't be an enabler and allow him to feel the consequences of his choices.

The most loving thing for you to do is teach him how to be independent and live on his own: job, house, etc.

Your older son loves you and was raised in the same house. So that should show you that you aren't an awful parent and you might have made some mistakes but you should forgive yourself because God forgives you. I'm sure you did the best you could in raising your son. Most likely he fell in with a bad group of friends who lead him to drugs and crime.

What your son needs is not you making his sinful life easy, but JESUS working in him a godly sorrow that will bring about repentance unto salvation. Your son needs a humble and contrite heart crying out to God to forgive him and heal him and turn him from his selfishness and anger.

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

If I were you. I'd call my older son and tell him I need a hug.

God bless and keep you.
 
No you were not wrong to ask him to leave your house. He's an adult and should be responsible for himself at this point. If you let him continue living with you, he'd continue to be irresponsible. And no, you are not responsible for him being a 'monster'. Interesting how children will justify their problems by blaming their parents. Even if you were not a perfect parent, your child's choices were his choices.

If possible try to maintain contact, unless he's verbally abusive. Maybe he'll calm down after awhile. You don't have to tolerate certain behavior in your home. I also think if we are to honor God in our homes, we SHOULD NOT tolerate ungodly behavior from any member of the household.

Praying for you and your family...may the Spirit lead you in this situation.
 
I didnt read anyone's replies so forgive me if I'm repeating anyone. My mother was far from perfect and I remember saying awful things to her like your son did to you. It sounds like he's not grown up yet. It also seems in heat of the moment he wanted to hurt you and he accomplished that with words. I'm a mom too and my kids havent done that to me but I know the day will come. I'm sorry you are going through this. I realy dont have any advice just encouragment. *huggs* I can now say that now that I'm older I'm ashamed at the way I treated my mother. After all I'm alive I'm breathing, I had food I had a place to live and all because of her.What I do now with my life as an adult is not a result of her. I dont think you should take it personal. I hope I've offered some comfort. I'm sure your son will get with it eventualy. Some take longer. For me it didnt happen till I had a child of my own. Then I understood. I will keep you in my prayers. God bless you.
 
We are living in an age that teaches psycology instead of God's ways. Individuality is emphasized more than family values.

We have a very close knit older group at church and almost every single one of us has a son or daughter who is, at the very least, not close to us. Especially now, being a parent means learning to let go and responsible parenting is training them to be responsible for their own actions.

Almost every time our group at church has group prayers they include putting a son or daughter in God's hands to care for, each of us knowing the parent has done their best and now must let them go to God's care. It is always hard to do.

Please put your sorrow, also, in God's hands. Trust Him. God is doing all that is in keeping with the way God created our world to be, using all His love for us all, to help your son follow Him. But God isn't forcing your son to obey. If God who loves him dearly can allow him to go as he chooses, then you can, too. It doesn't change God's love for him, nor your love for him, either.
 
I would not take to heart that he said he does not love you, he only does not love that you can tell him what to do. When children (even adult ones) make choices outside of God's laws such as sex outside of marriage and drugs it often brings bad repercussions such as what you have experienced.
Since he is an adult, now he can take responsibility of an adult and support himself there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty or bad about it. You are doing him a favor and he will learn fairly quickly that there are boundaries and rules everywhere you go.
I would recommend a good book called "Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children",Allison Bottke it will help you with the issues we face when dealing with our grown kids. Meanwhile keep attending church and praying. I would get some of the intercessors from your church involved in praying for your son as well. God can do it and he does a better job, when we get OUT of the way.
God Bless you!
 
I feel for you. And congratulate you. I believe you have done the right thing in kicking your out of the house. It was the right thing to do - for him first and also for you. You may not allow your home to be a place that enables your children to grow in defiance. If they will grow in defiance, they must do so elsewhere. This maintains your home a safe place - for your children!!! The same principle applies to teenagers coming home drunk - they should be sent back out to the street (dangerous as that may be in the short term, it is less dangerous in the long run than allowing them to be drunk at home). You continue to provide a safe, holy home to return to if they so decide. But the child who is raised in a home that HE HIMSELF has made unsafe/unholy has no earthly haven to return to. It sounds like your son has passed way over the line. Having done all you can do, STAND FIRM. Maintain your home safe and holy. If (when) safety and holiness is what your son wants, that is what you will have to offer. But if you cave in to his unholy demands, you will have nothing of value TO OFFER HIM. Stand firm, pray, lift up a holy standard, hope. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
 
sunnygurl said:
Oh Dear mother my heart goes out to you, I pray that you will stand strong in your decision. It may be a time before you feel positive about your decision and this will begin when your son starts showing and treating you with respect. Guilty parenting is the worst kind of parenting it puts the parent under the control and submission of the child and it benefits no-one in the long term.

I can understand your hurt and confusion having to remove a child (regardless) of age out of ones home is a painful place for any parent to be in.
I do not doubt the love that you have for your son, stand strong in your decision. From what you have shared you have an adult who should be independant but seems to be dependant on you I called these - child adults they want all the freedom and independance of an adult while recieving all the benefits of a child.
Just as God our loving Father discplines us out of love we must as parents follow His lead and displine our children out of love, for it is better for them to endure pain for a time than pain for an eternity.

Perfect parent...(do they really exist) the ONLY perfect parent is God, we human parents will make mistakes we can only do the best we can at the time with what we know/knew.
His words to you were only to harm you and make you feel quilty about your decision, I'm sure he does not really mean them. It was part of his tantrum just like a toddler throwing all their toys out of the cot.

I think to handle this in a Christian way is to express your love to him through words and actions standing true to your standards of acceptable behaviour within your home and setting a standard of common respect between all parties involved, along with daily prayer of course. God has your son in the palm of His hands and He loves Him even more than we earthly parents love our children, so LET GO AND LET GOD. He is more than able.:D

You and your sons will be in my prayers,
I pray that your tender mother's heart may be overflowing with peace beyond reason :)
Click to expand...
Great advice & post sunnygurl!!!:)
 
It is obvious to me that your son has a lot of anger in him. I think that you should find a neutral party for both you and your son can sit down and talk. This may help you find out where all of his anger is coming from. He has to deal with whatever demons he has. You have to continue to pray for him, because he is your son. I wouldn't say that you did the wrong thing by kicking him and his girlfriend out of your house, because you can't allow him to disrespect you and your husband. He may need to stand on his own, so maybe he will be more appreciative of you and what you have done for him. Stand firm on what you believe is right, love him unconditionally, and continue to keep him in your prayers. You didn't create a monster, you created a son that became a monster by his own will. You can't blame yourself for what he does as an adult. You did all that you could and were supposed to do as a parent, now it is time for him to find his way. God bless.
 
The problem with a difficult situation is, even if you do the right thing...
it still hurts.

Sorry you're going through this.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top Bottom
Back