Yes he is very strong willed and self centered to a large degree. I have always known this, although he was incredibly charming in the beginning for a very long time. The charm ended about the same time he became more distant.
I almost feel like he resents me and is punishing me for loving him. He resents having a responsibility to me so if I have a need he goes out of the way to not fill it. I guess he is pushing me away. I know he struggles with perpetual dissatisfaction nothing has ever been enough for him.
Used to I waited on him hand and foot, cooked all his favorite meals spoiled him rotten no less...and it was reciprocated not to the extreme but in so many ways. One of his favorite things was to lay in bed late at night and let me hand feed him his midnight snack...he would just glow and bask in it. I know it sounds ridiculous but I enjoyed making him so happy...I still do I thrive in it. But one day suddenly he didn't like anything i cooked anymore and didn't want his snack didn't want or need me to do anything for him and when I did there were constant complaints it was never good enough. After so long of that I just gave up trying it crushed me to every time fail in his eyes. I became and am incredibly insecure now. 13 years later and 2 more kids I am only 10 lbs heavier but it feels like 200. When I try to verbalize to him what I need he tells me I shouldnt have all my eggs in one basket I should be getting this stuff from my girl friends...Its things a wife can and should only get from her husband...I don't understand it.
Maybe he is afraid he is failing me as a man or is going to and is pushing me away to protect me. I don't know. I know he is going through something internal I don't think physical, although he is physically affected by it. But he wont open up and share it with me anymore. I wonder if sometimes he thought my love was strong enough to save him from his self. But when it still wasn't enough he became angry with me, blaming me for his unhappiness. Looking for the next fix to his brokenness. The life that will make him happy.
He led and incredibly irresponsible self destructive first 30 years of his life. Where he bounced back in forth between God and addiction Jekyll & Hyde. I met him straight out of Bible College. I have never seen the light of God shine in anyone as it did in him.
That light dissipated at the same time he began to change....I miss it more then anything I can describe. When I spoke to my mother in law about it she said the light wasn't coming from him it was God calling him through me. I couldn't believe she didn't see it in him. Total strangers would walk up to him in the most unconventional places and tell him God Working through you ... you are touched, to this day it bring me to tears thinking about it. But even though we still pray, go to church talk about God and scripture the lights not there its like he in going through the motions. He knows all the words but they don't sing to him anymore. It kills me I don't know if I miss him my best friend more or seeing God's Glory in his eyes.
I don't know anymore sometimes I think I am holding him back from whatever it is that will make him happy. We have six beautiful children that we adore and adore us he went from an in and out dad who saw his kids once a month to them all living with us...it was something he had wanted so long and we made it happen. When he is happy we have a very leave it to beaver life, our children thrive in it, I thrive in it. But his discontent eats away at it.
I don't know I wont leave him, I don't think it's what God wants of me and I think it sends the wrong message to the children. But if he wants to go I want him to decide and let me go on. Instead of this horrible holding pattern that is destroying me. I love him so much. And I know he has a deep need for the life we have together with the kids I fear he will leave then just step in and out of my life for eternity getting his fix of our life then off to the next thing and then back again. I am afraid of him leaving I am afraid of him staying. I pray on it daily and the messages I get from God are stay put for now...be patient...but I am weak as God intends it and the pain is more then I can stand some days. I wish I could see what it is I am waiting for but I have faith in Gods plan...I just pray I am not living in a delusion I should have walked away from long long ago...Pray God give me strength to do your will and bidding and comfort me when I am weak.
Thank you all for your advice and prayers...I need all I can get.
