My mother in law is going to ruin me :(

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HI everyone. I am a DIL. I've been reading this site for some time now and would like to hear from some of you about a few things. I am a DIL for 8 years now with a very difficult MIL. I guess I will jump right in and try to combine 8 years of stuff as best as I can. I have 2 children ages 5 and 10. The 10 year old is from a previous marriage and dad is not involved but DH has adopted him. DH and I met and DH was a full-blown drug addict and alcoholic. I got pregnant 6 months after meeting DH and about a month later DH stopped drinking and drugging and has been sober since. We have been together 7 years and married for 1. DH was brought up my MIL as a single parent and MIL was in abusive relationships while DH was growing up and she worked 2-3 jobs and DH was by himself all the time as a very young kid to a teenager until he moved out got it lots of trouble and started drinking and drugging.

MIL from day one has been prying, meddling and over-stepping her boundaries 24/7. This however has been the least of our issues. When she came to our house she would re-arrange things, throw out food she thought was bad for us, tell us what we're doing wrong with child rearing, etc. She even told me how I wasn't making a salad correctly or vacuuming the right way. She has taken food out of DS's hands if she thought it was unhealthy. He had a white chocolate lollipop one day and when she came over to our house she took it away and threw it out saying how bad sugar is for kids. When DS was a few weeks old we had to live with her due to a fire and our house needing to be repaired. She would get up in the middle of the night when DS was crying and take him out of my arms and feed him etc. This went on for years. MIL over-stepping boundaries- but not quite being rude and nasty about it. Neither DH nor myself knew how to deal with any of this so we decided to go to counseling. We stayed in counseling for about 4 years, with 90% of our discussions involving MIL. At this time MIL was still taking DS once a week and sometimes on the weekends with my older son as well. This goes on for about 3 1/2 years. MIL even came to my PT job and showed me how to mop correctly because I wasn't mopping right I guess. HAHAHA

Oldest DS who was about 6 at the time starting telling us that MIL lets him swim in her pool (4ft, above his head) by himself because there are floats in there. I started asking 6 yr old DS what else he is allowed to do alone. And he said he waits in the car with younger DS while MIL goes grocery shopping, he can walk around neighborhood by himself because "he's smart and knows how to get back to grandma's house" etc etc. So DH decides to tell MIL that she can't do these things and that she needs to keep a better eye on the kids and never leave them alone. Ok, so we think she listens but she doesn't. I get a call from DH one day that says MIL calls him hysterical saying she doesn't know where DS who is 2 now. Come to find out she left him in the car alone (DS1 in school) and someone seen and called police and DS was taken and being held by CPS. DH went and picked up DS and no charges were filed, thank goodness. SO after that DH tells MIL that she can not take kids alone and she will have to see them when we have time to bring them over or she can come over our house and see them while we're home. We also noticed TONS of safety hazards at MIL's house as well.

MIL flips out on DH and doesn't speak to him for a few days. She finally shows up at our door in hysterics begging to see her grandchildren. We say come in, of course you can see them, but we're not comfortable with you taking them alone after the recent incidents. MIL's behavior takes a turn for the worst and now she is over-stepping boundaries more than ever and saying things like "I've know DH all my life, he likes xyz for dinner not abc" etc etc. She starts showing up at our house every day uninvited, without calling, etc. DH decides we should bring her to our counselor so we can let her know that her behavior is very invasive.

When she sees our therapist she breaks down crying saying that she just left baby in car for a minute, and she doesn't leave them alone, that DS1 is lying about the pool and neighborhood and that she's too involved in our lives because she thinks my way of parenting is not right, etc etc. She then all of a sudden turns on me and says I spend too much time watching tv and not baby. I spank kids all the time (lie) and that I feed them nothing but sugar and fast food (lie) Therapist tries to explain how she needs to take a step back and that DS is not her child etc etc. MIL will not accept therapist’s advice and even disagrees with the therapist when she said DS was in danger in car alone. So counseling session to bury the hatchet- unsuccessful! It became a 2 hour session for MIL to criticize me and the things I do with my kids!

The next day she calls and says she's on her way over to see the kids. She comes over and I'm in the kitchen making dinner when I hear her saying to my oldest son "why did you tell your mom I leave you alone and let you swim in the pool by yourself. Now you're not gonna be able to come over anymore, and this weekend I'm going camping and you cant go because you told your mom everything and now she’s not gonna let you." DH walks in the door 10 mins later and MIL leaves. I told DH what she said and he said not cool, shes probably mad at you so she's directing towards DS. He calls her and she denies it all.

DH and I go to therapist and she suggests DH tells MIL that he needs some space from her and so do the kids. She suggests telling MIL to see a therapist and in the meantime just taking a break from everyone. Well this is where things get real bad.

MIL writes DH an email saying how it's all me manipulating him to ask for a break, etc and that I'm a ***** and he can't seem to see it. She says that I'm nasty and vicious to her (never have been and DH told her not true), she says I'm mentally ill and needs help, DH is brainwashed by me, I have transformed DH, that she will tell DS's when they're older that I kept them apart. She also told DH that she believes I have the devil inside me and that I need to stopped and punished by God and she can't wait for the day something bad happens to me for all the pain I'm causing her, and that karma is gonna get me etc etc. She tells DH that she has a counselor and the counselor agrees that I am pure evil in human form and that there is no help for me and that she must get DH away from me!!!

Now DH decides that he was to be left alone- he asks MIL not to contact him in email, phone or person. He told her her loves her but he thinks she's consumed by not being able to see kids for a while and not being able to take them alone. He tells her to get a new counselor and after some time we'll re-visit this situation and come to an agreement as to when she can see and talk to kids once and awhile. She tells him "f**k you" and hangs up the phone.

For the next few months MIL calls DH 3-4 times per day. Calls his cell, stops by his job, texts him many times per day, calls his other family members to get them to call DH and convince him to talk to her etc etc. She writes him letters in the mail, sends religious cards and drops off religious gifts for him at our doorstep with letters saying she's praying all the time for his eyes to be open about me and that I get what's coming to me. He calls her to tell her to stop showing up places, emailing, mailing gifts and letters and to give him space but she keeps on going. DH blocks her phone numbers and she calls from pay phones and other family members phones.

A few days later DH's aunt (MIL's estranged sister) calls DH and tells him that she heard it through the grapevine that MIL is filing paperwork to take us to court to try to get grandparents rights, and if its too late then she's moving 4000 from hometown to where we are going too and filing there!

DH and I have always wanted to move out of state to where my parents live- so what better a time than the present. So we decide to move and before we move we decide to have a small outdoor wedding ceremony so our families can see us wed before we move 4000 miles away. This is now 3 weeks before the move. Of course I don't want MIL there since she’s not supportive of our relationship anymore, and I'm worried she will cause a scene. I told DH my thoughts and said here is an invitation for your mother. If you really want her there- write it out and send it. Well, he never did. So wedding day comes and what do you know MIL shows up and causes a scene. My brother calls the police and they remove her and we carry on. However, we notice that none of DH's family from his mom's side attends (who we were pretty close with)

A week goes by and DH's father who has been divorced from MIL all of DH's life calls DH and asks him to come to his house xyz night alone to talk. He said he wants to have heart to heart father-son talk before DH moves. Ok, no problem. Well what do you know? MIL showed up a few days prior on his doorstep in histrionics. MIL asks DH's father if they can set up DH to come over and she will be waiting for him. So DH decides to go to his fathers one night and walks in his dad’s door and MIL is sitting there crying with his dad, aunt and uncle. MIL proceeds to tell DH how he's blind and etc etc. DH stays for about a half hour and leaves. Nothing changes.

Two weeks before move I get a call from police and they're telling me MIL called them and told them I have been driving around her house late at night and that she wants me to stop. I tell them I don't leave my house after dinner and that I've never driven by MIL's house without stopping by. A week after that police call me again and tell me MIL has called them again and reported an "incident" involving some harassment and that I need to come down and talk. Now I know what that means, so I say no and retain an attorney. The attorney calls police and tells them that the only way I'm going to station is with a warrant and an arrest. Never heard from police again after that. My thoughts are MIL was trying to stall move by having me arrested, you cannot leave state during an open charge. Then she would file for grandparent visitation time.

2 days before we move I go out to my car to grab boxes and MIL is sitting in her car next to mine. I don't know how long she was there but I go back into my house and call DH at work. He calls MIL and asks her to leave and she does. We make the 4000 mile move and for the next 9 months MIL calls from pay phones, emails gets our p.o.box and sends letters and cards begging DH to talk to her and in one letter saying how she's moving to new state too. We then get an attorney and write up a no-contact order. For the next 2 months we have peace and quiet from MIL. DH discovered an ulcer and I am now on blood pressure pills because I was feeling sick and sent to the e.r and my b.p. was 180/110. Most likely due to stress...

She got our p.o.box address from DH's dad's side of the family and sent DH many letters saying the same things she's always said and how she cant believe he married me, look how much problems I've caused in the family, that it’s scary we're raising children and that she hopes we don’t succeed in new state.

Over the course of about 18 months DH has written her emails and letters telling her that her behavior is dysfunctional and is making things worse for herself. It just seems like no matter what DH says, does or asks for nothing will get through to her. Still to this day I have never been rude to her in person or over email or phone or anything. Never once told her off or even "put her in her place."

After a few months we realize living in new state is not working out so we decide to move back to hometown. I was terrified of MIL at that point. DH thinks that we should let kids call her once in awhile and see her around holidays. He feels like that will stop her from obsessing over trying to see or talk to the kids and it will stop her from her erratic behavior and that giving her some time with kids will be enough for her to be satisfied. He also feels since both of our DS's have a relationship with her it would upset them to never see or hear from her again. He feels that if he brings the kids over there every once in awhile and supervises the visit then there is no harm in that.

My counselor feels that MIL has a toxic enmeshment with DH and that he needs to seek counseling to be able to get rid of guilt he's displayed and learn ways to deal with a mother like her.

I told DH that I'm not comfortable with the kids having a relationship with her at all since she's hoping for something bad to happen to me (their mother), trying to get DH to leave me, split up their parents. I am upset because I feel that given all she's said and done that she has bad intentions and wishes for bad things to happen to us. I just don't think that my kids should be around someone who doesn't have good intentions and doesn't bring positive things. I don't feel like she should be around the kids just because they're related and she loves them and they love her. I think you should base having someone in your kids life because they are a positive person and they have good intentions and have done good things. It doesn't sit well with me that someone who wants to pretty much ruin my kids lives inadvertently should spend any time even supervised with them.

The sheriff of the town in the state I used to live in went to my parents house last week as a courtesy to tell them I have a warrant in the new state. My parents house is the address on my license. I called an attorney and the attorney said to turn myself in. I did and posted $25000 bond. My court date in next week. I've never been arrested, never got a speeding ticket and my car is registered in old state still and warrant is in new state. I also don't have any parking tickets. The arresting officer is also the same officer that called me months ago before we moved and I'm sure MIL called him back and told him I'm back in state now.

I have harassment and threatening charges brought against me from MIL. NONE of it is true!!! Now dh is beyond angry and calls MIL. She does not answer, instead she texts him that she can't talk right now. Dh texts her back and says "now that you've lied to the cop and my wife has been arrested you have signed and sealed this with me and you're never going to hear from me again." MIL responds: "that's your choice. You guys cant hurt me anymore!!!!"

I have never seen dh so mad. This is a blessing that comes at a cost for me. Since MIL has made this up dh said that after the charges are dismissed that we're filing a civil counter-suit for attorney fees and bond money we dished out in her little charade she pulled.

And MOST IMPORTANTLY!!!!! Finally a therapist who thinks MIL should not ever see the kids and that dh needs to cut her off!!! Dh's own counselor herself. Dh started therapy tonight and after a 2 hour meeting he comes home and tells me everything his therapist said. Dh told me he is never going to speak to her again and he doesn't even care.
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Almost a decade later dh finally gets it and I can say I honestly feel he has!


Well what do ya know?! Cop calls DH and says he needs to stop texting his mom or he's going to arrest him for intimidating a witness and tampering with police evidence. I am NOT surprised at all. MIL left the cop a voicemail that said she was scared of her son, the officer said.

A few days ago my mother calls and said that MIL emailed her. I bet if my mother doesn't respond she will keep on emailing her and eventually there will be a whole load of emails to bring where the plaintiff is trying to contact the defendant's family members. My attorney said tell her not to respond at all ever.

MIL said to my mom that she is sorry for this mess and that she can help me out of my charges that she says are 4 serious felony charges, since she is the victim if I admit to the charges and take responsibility for what I have done and we legally write up a visitation schedule for her to see the kids. Sounds like blackmail to me!!! We don't want her to see the kids. She goes on to tell my mother that I have done things to hurt her, and that I have used the kids to hurt her. She states she wants to talk to my mother but not in writing. She gives my mother her phone numbers and tells my mother that she hopes to hear from her and that we (Dh and I) will not talk to her. At the end of her email she states “have been praying like crazy for a very long time. I believe this is all happening for a reason.”

Thank you all for reading this long vent and if anyone has any advice please give it! I now know that we will be going to court for my alleged crime as well as to fight her petition for grandparents rights!
 
Wow! I am SO sorry!!! I unfortunately don't have any advice :( but I did read your whole story and never in my life heard of such a scheming, manipulative person! It's so awful that you're in trouble for non-existent crimes! I wish you the best of luck and don't see any way that they'd let someone so crazy have rights to your children. Let us know how the court things turn out!
 
Thanks Christiankchk89. My husband found the book called "The People of The Lie" on how to recognize and deal with evil in human form. MIL says I am human evil and she hopes she lived long enough to see something bad happen to me from God. How can she be a true Christian and say/believe these things?

I will keep updating. Thanks again.
 
Oh let me clarify lol. my husband found that book in MIL's living room, sorry
 
You sound like you've made some good choices, difficult and good. Keep walking that tough path.
 
You sound like you've made some good choices, difficult and good. Keep walking that tough path.

Absolutely! No matter what we want to believe, there are some folks in this world who are just plain crazy. While it may be through no fault of her own, it sounds to me like your MIL might be one of them.
 
I had a landlord like this. I really would never believe at all that people like this exist until I experienced it for real. My landlord displayed the same exact characteristics as your mother in law. She even talked about God and that God told her things blah blah blah. One night I heard her screaming outside at the top of her lungs. I was living at a house next to the church my mom attended. My landlord saw my mom get out of her car and ran outside to her and started screaming at the top of her lungs that I was a whore and I had men in my room all night long (I tutored several days a week) and the devil had a hold of me. She screamed all sorts of things, my mom was trying to get away and get into the church but my landlord followed after her screaming.

One night she came into my room, (which I locked) grabbed me and started screaming and shaking me. I was sick at the time and had taken cold medicine then fell asleep. When she woke me I was groggy and had no idea what was going on. She got angrier at me the more she realized I wasn't responding. Finally she left me alone. To this day I still have no idea what she was screaming about!

When I tried to move out my parents and I did so while we thought she was out and were as quiet as possible. When she saw us moving she stood in the stairway and blocked us from leaving.

Anyway you are not alone!!!! I cannot even imagine having to deal with that in a family situation, at least for me when i moved out, she tried to contact us and spread rumors, but she wasn't family so the contact didn't go very far. I feel really bad for somebody with such a mental illness that they are like this. I don't know if people like this are christian or not but I really think they are just so sick they are just plain confused. I have been a Christian for 10 years now and I have seen God do some amazing, amazing impossible things!

God can save you and your family from this situation. He will too if you ask Him too. He is God, He "is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, Even though the earth be removed, And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though it's waters roar and be troubled, Though the mountains shake with its swelling.... Come, behold the works of the Lord, Who has made desolations in the earth. He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two; He burns the chariot in the fire." Be still and know that He is God. Psalm 46
 
Wow, this is trully a situation that had to be stoped.
Everythng you described shows the classic stalker and I am concerned now for your own mom and you and family.
I hope you have documented everything that has happened, Im sure you were already advised this though by your lawer.
Do keep the no contact order updated, too often those who have let it lapse have suffered for it.
I pray that all will be resolved leagally for you and your family.
But be cautioned, mil's behavior could become much worse when she sees she is loosing controll.
Now, spiritually , keep mil in your prayers.
I know this may seem difficult with all you have been through, but pray for her and Gods healing for her, also pray all protection for yourself , hubby , children and your family from mil in Jesus Christ is Lord come in the flesh.
You and all are in my prayers in Jesus.

God bless
pickles
 
Do you have phone records that prove you did not call MIL from your phone at specified times. Phone companies should keep records like that for at least a year or two, if not longer.
 
that is creepy.

Do you have records of her calling your husband? the notes she sent and other contacts?

I would get the CPS report of when she left the children alone in the car and take it to court and ask for a restraining order taken out from her because she is obviously obsessive and dangerous to your family and the kids.

You said you took her to your counselor to talk about leaving the kids in the car, perhaps your counselor would testify on your behalf that she should NOT have visitation rights since she does not see anything wrong with leaving a child in the car alone while she is in the store shopping.

It sounds like she wants to control your husband and family. I agree with pickles document everything.

here is a website on stalking:

Stalking, How to avoid and what to do if it happens to you

I am sadden that none of his family showed up for your wedding.

I don't which god she is praying to but its not the one found in the Bible.

as for the book. I found this article:

Is God a Psychotherapist? | Christianity Today | A Magazine of Evangelical Conviction

not a book I would recommend to anyone. The author is more Buddhist mystic then Christian theologian, more wolf then sheep.

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers
 
I was going to say something about the CPS report, but Ananda beat me to it. One question about the cease contact order. Who does it cover? Does it include your mother? If so, definitely get the e-mail she sent your mom, and not just for the veiled blackmail attempt. Also, you mentioned that your husband suffered abuse over the years from stepfather/bf. Do you have any police records of this, and do any of the records indicate his mom's compliance in the abuse. You need to get as much evidence against her as possible.
 
I hope everything turned out well for you.....that lady is nuts dont blame you for trying to get away from her!
 
Wow this almost sounds unreal! :eek:
I don't know what else you could do, but PRAY. Like, serious fervrent prayer.
Your Husband may have to forfiet all communication with all of his family members because of this. Really, because if she could scheme and manipulate even them, to get to Him?......boy, May God truly be with you and yours through this. I thought my MIL was bad.
 
I have no advice ( :( ) but want you to know what a testimony you have presented! Your strength, even in the face of what you're going through legally, is such a testimony to your relationship with Jesus. The fact that you've never 'sunk to her level" is amazing to me. Your patience with your husband, waiting for him to realize everything himself astonishes me and makes me feel ashamed for my own impatience in the face of similar (but nowhere near as servere!!) circumstances with my own husband.

I see a possibility of the Lord Jesus using you to help wives going through similar things. This is probably of little help to you at the moment...I'm sorry!
I just wanted you to know how reading your sad, sad story makes me praise God for enabling you to just remian sane in the face of all this adversity. We've gone through difficult things, and it was so helpful when one friend said she was sorry no one ever told us how seeing us go through xyz with grace was such a blessing to her. And so I want you to know how I praise God for keeping you and your little family in all that you have suffered.

You must have amazing strength of character. I will continue to pray for you, your husband, your side of the family, and especially your little boys!!!
I see that you must have had to continually submit yourself to your husband's wishes and to the will of God. It's absolutely inspirational.

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story with all of us. You'll never know, on this earth, how much you bless the family of God with it.

I pray you will continue to seek God for the ability to finish the race. You are amazing! With love in Christ~ellie
 
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Praying for you and your family! Incredible....I've recently met someone that sounds as crazy as your mil ...it's so hard to believe that these type of people put so much mental energy into being just plain mean.

I will also pray that the Spirit will speak to her heart and mind and work a miracle of psychological healing in her.