"I was born sick, but I love it, command me to be well"
my super depressing, non-spiritual story:
*holycrapwhyisitsohotinhereIamsweating*
My name is Laura(sometimes called El) and I was born in January 1993.
I had a pretty normal childhood. I think I was a pretty happy kid. I had no traumatic childhood experiences, no deaths in the family, nothing bad at all. I think ages 8-12 were my best years. I was just enjoying being a kid. Things started going downhill when I hit high school though. I suffered with depression and severe anxiety. I was always very shy and withdrawn. I had several close friends but I never told anyone how I was feeling. There were a lot of days where I would be sitting at school with friends looking so happy but inside I was screaming and I just wanted someone to hear. No one ever did, because I refused to let them. I don't really know where things went wrong. I would ask myself over and over again, "why??" and still to this day can not quite find an answer. Senior year was the first time I tried to kill myself. I never told anyone. I came to school the next day with bruises on my neck, No one seemed to notice. I remember sitting in my Photography class first semester thinking to myself, "all these projects we have to do, they won't matter because I won't be here much longer." I was literally dying for someone to hear me, someone to listen. Well, somehow I made it and graduated in 2011 and then went on to college. I was still suffering, though. I don't remember much about freshman year, but the summer after that is when I finally called out for help. And what did I get? Therapy and medication, both of which weren't much help. So, sophomore year.. made it less than a month before I tried to kill myself again. I got put in the psych ward and over the next year or so I was put back there twice for a week stay each time. Oh yeah and somewhere in between all that I've had two jobs that I had to quit because of my anxiety. Since high school I've tried to kill myself so many times that I lost count. I'm too ashamed to even give an estimate. Anyway, this year I went back to college but dropped out after 2 months because I'm a failure. More meds, more therapy. I've since then been doing much better, but I currently am jobless and not in school. I HATE when people ask me what I do for a living because I feel like a complete failure. But this time it's not mental-illness related. I've been having terrible dizzy spells for 9 months now that prevent me from going anywhere. I've been to like 6 different doctors and finally in the past month or so I've gotten a lot better and pretty soon I'm going to start looking for a job, which I'm kind of scared for. But I'm more in control now and I have this thing called hope. I still have shit days, but it's no where near as bad as it used to be. So now I'm just taking things day by day, trying my best. It's all I can do.
My spiritual journey:
*seriouslyI'mboilinginhere*
I was raised Catholic and used to go to church with my parents every week without fail. The whole family slowly grew out of that when I was around 10 and now I go maybe once every few months. I've always had faith, always believed in God. I've had doubts of course, but who hasn't? During my lowest years I would pray and pray and never get answers, but I never gave up. I knew God was up there listening, but He just wasn't doing anything. Last year I became so angry at him. Why wasn't He helping me?? Why was he just watching me suffer? Now I'm no longer angry, just tired. I've given up being mad at Him because I know He does care and He does love me. I'm still struggling for answers but I know that someday I will get them. And as for being "saved" or "born again" I still don't know what that means. I asked in the forums once but it's still pretty confusing to me. I accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior, the son of God. Does that mean I'm saved? Whatever. You get the idea. I'm currently undecided about my religious denomination. I don't read the bible, although I know I should. From what I've heard and from what I've seen from people posting in the forums here is that there are so many different ways to interpret the bible. Some people take each verse literally. I don't really know what to believe. But that's what my journey is about right now, searching for the truth. And following Him with my whole heart.
*thistookforevertowrite*
If you read this whole thing, props to you! Sorry my life isn't all sunshine and rainbows. I know this isn't the most positive post but I just wanted to share my story. Maybe some of you can relate?
*Ihavetopeegoodnighteverybody*
signed,
~El
-Just My Thoughts
my super depressing, non-spiritual story:
*holycrapwhyisitsohotinhereIamsweating*
My name is Laura(sometimes called El) and I was born in January 1993.
I had a pretty normal childhood. I think I was a pretty happy kid. I had no traumatic childhood experiences, no deaths in the family, nothing bad at all. I think ages 8-12 were my best years. I was just enjoying being a kid. Things started going downhill when I hit high school though. I suffered with depression and severe anxiety. I was always very shy and withdrawn. I had several close friends but I never told anyone how I was feeling. There were a lot of days where I would be sitting at school with friends looking so happy but inside I was screaming and I just wanted someone to hear. No one ever did, because I refused to let them. I don't really know where things went wrong. I would ask myself over and over again, "why??" and still to this day can not quite find an answer. Senior year was the first time I tried to kill myself. I never told anyone. I came to school the next day with bruises on my neck, No one seemed to notice. I remember sitting in my Photography class first semester thinking to myself, "all these projects we have to do, they won't matter because I won't be here much longer." I was literally dying for someone to hear me, someone to listen. Well, somehow I made it and graduated in 2011 and then went on to college. I was still suffering, though. I don't remember much about freshman year, but the summer after that is when I finally called out for help. And what did I get? Therapy and medication, both of which weren't much help. So, sophomore year.. made it less than a month before I tried to kill myself again. I got put in the psych ward and over the next year or so I was put back there twice for a week stay each time. Oh yeah and somewhere in between all that I've had two jobs that I had to quit because of my anxiety. Since high school I've tried to kill myself so many times that I lost count. I'm too ashamed to even give an estimate. Anyway, this year I went back to college but dropped out after 2 months because I'm a failure. More meds, more therapy. I've since then been doing much better, but I currently am jobless and not in school. I HATE when people ask me what I do for a living because I feel like a complete failure. But this time it's not mental-illness related. I've been having terrible dizzy spells for 9 months now that prevent me from going anywhere. I've been to like 6 different doctors and finally in the past month or so I've gotten a lot better and pretty soon I'm going to start looking for a job, which I'm kind of scared for. But I'm more in control now and I have this thing called hope. I still have shit days, but it's no where near as bad as it used to be. So now I'm just taking things day by day, trying my best. It's all I can do.
My spiritual journey:
*seriouslyI'mboilinginhere*
I was raised Catholic and used to go to church with my parents every week without fail. The whole family slowly grew out of that when I was around 10 and now I go maybe once every few months. I've always had faith, always believed in God. I've had doubts of course, but who hasn't? During my lowest years I would pray and pray and never get answers, but I never gave up. I knew God was up there listening, but He just wasn't doing anything. Last year I became so angry at him. Why wasn't He helping me?? Why was he just watching me suffer? Now I'm no longer angry, just tired. I've given up being mad at Him because I know He does care and He does love me. I'm still struggling for answers but I know that someday I will get them. And as for being "saved" or "born again" I still don't know what that means. I asked in the forums once but it's still pretty confusing to me. I accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior, the son of God. Does that mean I'm saved? Whatever. You get the idea. I'm currently undecided about my religious denomination. I don't read the bible, although I know I should. From what I've heard and from what I've seen from people posting in the forums here is that there are so many different ways to interpret the bible. Some people take each verse literally. I don't really know what to believe. But that's what my journey is about right now, searching for the truth. And following Him with my whole heart.
*thistookforevertowrite*
If you read this whole thing, props to you! Sorry my life isn't all sunshine and rainbows. I know this isn't the most positive post but I just wanted to share my story. Maybe some of you can relate?
*Ihavetopeegoodnighteverybody*
signed,
~El
-Just My Thoughts
