G
girlwhoneedsachange
Guest
As all stories mine starts from when I was young. I didn’t grow up in church. My parents didn’t go to church, they weren’t religious, and I don’t even know if they believed in God or not. My guess even to this day would be they know who God is but they aren’t a follower, they aren’t true believers. I grew up like any normal kid I wasn’t a major bad kid, and in my earlier years I was an only child. When my parents put me in Pre-K was the first time I actually learned about Jesus, because my daycare was called Jesus and Me at the time. The only reason I went to this day care is because it was located outside my grandmother’s neighborhood which is where we were living at the time. It was easy to pull out of the neighborhood and my dad to drop me off before he went to work or my mom before she went to work.
After starting school in Kindergarten I didn’t really hear about God after that, and I was so young in Pre-K I don’t really remember the things I heard while in daycare. As I got older going through elementary school I didn’t remember those things. Eventually my younger sister was born, and now I wasn’t an only child. Soon after that my two older step sisters were brought into my life. They came to live with us and now my family was expanded. As normal sisters we fought we didn’t get along sometimes and that is how our family was. Outside the love my family didn’t have a lot of money. We moved around a lot even before my sisters came into the picture we went from place to place and family member to family member to live with. It was hard on us my family didn’t have a lot, there were Christmas we didn’t get a lot or birthdays we didn’t get a lot, but for the most part we were happy.
It wasn’t until the third grade I was invited by my friend Chassie who lived down the street from me to go to church. She called me up and said someone invited her to go and a church van was coming to pick her up but her friend couldn’t make it could I go with her, and I said yes. Hours later I went to church called Hopewell Baptist Church. It amazed me and I loved going. You could feel the love in the air at Hopewell. I went to Hopewell up until I graduated high school and my family moved to Atlanta.
When I was in the fourth or fifth grade we were having a special night for kids, and they put several groups in a room and talked with us and at the end asked us if they wanted to get to know Jesus more and have a personal relationship with him. My sisters hand went up, my best friend Chassie’s hand went up so I raised my hand, only because they did. Not because I wanted a relationship with God. Not because I wanted it for myself, or to live for God but because my favorite two people did it. We ended up all getting baptized the same night. One after another. I thought it was the coolest thing.
My fifth grade into my early years of middle school is when times got tough. One day me and my older sisters were brought into a room and set down and told my mother was being sent to rehab for a problem she had. We were all young we didn’t know in the beginning she was hooked on drugs we just knew she was sick. It was hard, my mother was being sent away. As time went one we found out we couldn’t see her only on some weekends. She had to spend six months at the place she was at. So it was me and my sisters and my dad for a while. My dad worked all day and we had to support each other to get through the tough times. My mom ended up relapsing several times throughout her stay and even pro-longed her stay a little bit.
She finally came home and my older step-sisters moved out to live with their dad so it was just us four. Around one Christmas it was either when I was in the 6[SUP]th[/SUP] or 7[SUP]th[/SUP] grade. My mom ended up missing a drug court date. Someone from her group said she would probably spend Christmas in jail. Now my mom she loved Christmas. Christmas is a big thing for her. The yard has to be decorated the inside has to be decorated to her liking and it all has to be put together well we have our fondue dinner on Christmas Eve and we open our pajamas. On Christmas day we all get up earlier open presents and we go to Great Grandma’s house, or Mema’s or however we set up that year. The fact she might spend Christmas in jail torn her to pieces. So she ended up running. I couldn’t tell you to where I didn’t know. On Christmas eve my dad gets a call from my mom and I could only make out a little of the conversation but what I got out of it was that my mom was at a bridge and she was going to jump. I went to the bathroom and cried and prayed, I had never prayed so hard in my life. My dad talked her out of jumping and found her and picked her up. We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas like nothing happened. On Christmas day my mom turned herself in and she spent two or three weeks in jail after that. In my family this was never spoken of again. I don’t even know if my sisters know about it. Except for my younger sister maybe but I remember because I still have the letter that she sent me after she was in jail.
During this time two people introduced me to something that changed my life. I wouldn’t say for the better. I won’t mention names because I don’t know if they want people to know about it. I started what was big back them called Rp (Stands for Role-play) it’s not the role-play everyone thinks of that is dirty before sex happens. It was on the computer and it didn’t have to be sexual. You picked a charter you made them up. Whoever you wanted to be you could be, celebrity, a gorgeous person. Whatever you wanted. I had several I went back and forth with it I was on it I was off of it. My couriousness got the best of me and mine turned sexual. After it turned sexual it was sexual with guys and girls. My mind got lost in it. The lust of sin that was inside me I could no longer control until it was no longer a thing when Facebook was created and Myspace changed. However something changed in me.
I was on chat rooms, I fell into watching porn. I joined a site called meetme which was like the first tinder, hot or not, and pof. I talked to people I didn’t know. First it was just guys and just talking. Then it lead to online “dating.” I met this guy and I thought he was the best thing in the world. He made me happy, made me feel good about myself that I have never felt. He wanted more; he wanted me to send dirty messages. At first I didn’t want to do it and I said no I held my ground. Then he started to pull away I no longer felt good about myself and so I gave in. Then he asked me to watch porn and masturbate I said no he pulled away again and I did it anyway. Eventually I gave him up and let it go. However to end up being stuck in an addiction to pornography. That let to me wanting to talk to girls on there and I “dated” a few. We never met these people I talked to. I never talked dirty to anyone but I’d tell them I loved them I tell them I wanted to be with them. However I just wanted to feel good and that seem to be the only way to feel good about myself, like I was wanted.
One spring break my 8[SUP]th[/SUP] grade year. I stayed with a “Friend.” Before this weekend I had gone to teen clubs with my older sisters. It was something we did. Not proud of it I had only done it a few times with them. My “friend” over spring break wanted to go to one. So we did. We stayed, we dressed provoked and I felt really uncomfortable. We went and we met two guys the place wasn’t really filled with people. We ended up leaving with the guys and going to hang out at Walmart and then we went to hang out at one of the guy’s houses but in the car. My friend started making out with one of the guys and I just sat there. After that we went back to the teen club and we went in and then her and one of the guys walked out and I was there by myself uncomfortable and I wanted to leave. The guy ended up taking us home. Her sister was upset t she didn’t know this guy but in the end she didn’t care. A few days later we met up with them again at the teen club. We didn’t stay. My “friend ended up getting into an argument with them because they made a comment that we are young. We ended up leaving and walked on the road to Walmart. It wasn’t that far actually the teen club was right behind it but it was still unsafe. Her sister finally picked us up and was yelling at us saying we shouldn’t have done that we could have been kidnapped and we went home. At the time I didn’t have a phone I used hers a lot. That night I texted on of the guys and I said was sorry it shouldn’t have happened like that. We ended up talking for a day or two.
A day or two later I found out he lived like right behind her apartment complex so we walked up there. At the time his care was getting towed and he was mad. We ended up sitting and hanging out and then his dad asked which of you is he saying and the guy said neither. The dad laughs and says well because he already has a girlfriend and they’ve been dating for a year. I was upset because I kind of had a crush on him, and then she was mad because they had some stuff already. That same day we picked up her boyfriend and he came over. They slept on the floor and I slept on the couch. They ended up having sex on the floor and then one of her friends texted her phone and I texted back. I didn’t really know who he was but I replied anyway. We got to talking and we ended up sending dirty messages. Later to find out that the guy was a boyfriend on and off again of a friend of ours I was so scared because she was the fighting kind. When we went back to school, the word got to her. I got the evil eye and several times I was threatened of being beaten up. I was bullied my so called friend ratted me out and I was honestly scared. I’m not the fighting kind. In the end it blew over and I left those friends behind but I was still depressed I felt something missing.
She finally graduated and we were happy again she was working, my dad was working my sisters were back and the only problem we had was that our family argued and me and my sisters argued and sometimes even fought. Sometime after that my Papa died. It was the hardest thing I had to take actually. I was hurt I fell into a stage of depression. I completely lost myself. My eighth grade and 9[SUP]th[/SUP] grade years were dark. I went to church but was dark and I didn’t care because I felt everyone around me didn’t care and didn’t want to know the hurt I was going through. In 9[SUP]th[/SUP] grade I started hanging out with the wrong crowed I started drinking, smoking, and cutting myself... This led me to popping pills. My “Best friend” brought them to school. I couldn’t tell you what half of them were, they were different kinds and I ended up taking about 20 before class the days she brought them. I thought I was fine all my friends were doing it hey why not. One day I was staying after school I don’t remember what for but so was one of my older sisters. She caught me taking some pills. I told her it was Tylenol but she didn’t believe me. One day after school I came home and my parents sat me down and asked me about it. I told them not even though I had a few in my pocket and they checked and found them. They said I needed to stop or they were going to start drug testing me and sending me to therapy so I stopped. For a while.
After starting school in Kindergarten I didn’t really hear about God after that, and I was so young in Pre-K I don’t really remember the things I heard while in daycare. As I got older going through elementary school I didn’t remember those things. Eventually my younger sister was born, and now I wasn’t an only child. Soon after that my two older step sisters were brought into my life. They came to live with us and now my family was expanded. As normal sisters we fought we didn’t get along sometimes and that is how our family was. Outside the love my family didn’t have a lot of money. We moved around a lot even before my sisters came into the picture we went from place to place and family member to family member to live with. It was hard on us my family didn’t have a lot, there were Christmas we didn’t get a lot or birthdays we didn’t get a lot, but for the most part we were happy.
It wasn’t until the third grade I was invited by my friend Chassie who lived down the street from me to go to church. She called me up and said someone invited her to go and a church van was coming to pick her up but her friend couldn’t make it could I go with her, and I said yes. Hours later I went to church called Hopewell Baptist Church. It amazed me and I loved going. You could feel the love in the air at Hopewell. I went to Hopewell up until I graduated high school and my family moved to Atlanta.
When I was in the fourth or fifth grade we were having a special night for kids, and they put several groups in a room and talked with us and at the end asked us if they wanted to get to know Jesus more and have a personal relationship with him. My sisters hand went up, my best friend Chassie’s hand went up so I raised my hand, only because they did. Not because I wanted a relationship with God. Not because I wanted it for myself, or to live for God but because my favorite two people did it. We ended up all getting baptized the same night. One after another. I thought it was the coolest thing.
My fifth grade into my early years of middle school is when times got tough. One day me and my older sisters were brought into a room and set down and told my mother was being sent to rehab for a problem she had. We were all young we didn’t know in the beginning she was hooked on drugs we just knew she was sick. It was hard, my mother was being sent away. As time went one we found out we couldn’t see her only on some weekends. She had to spend six months at the place she was at. So it was me and my sisters and my dad for a while. My dad worked all day and we had to support each other to get through the tough times. My mom ended up relapsing several times throughout her stay and even pro-longed her stay a little bit.
She finally came home and my older step-sisters moved out to live with their dad so it was just us four. Around one Christmas it was either when I was in the 6[SUP]th[/SUP] or 7[SUP]th[/SUP] grade. My mom ended up missing a drug court date. Someone from her group said she would probably spend Christmas in jail. Now my mom she loved Christmas. Christmas is a big thing for her. The yard has to be decorated the inside has to be decorated to her liking and it all has to be put together well we have our fondue dinner on Christmas Eve and we open our pajamas. On Christmas day we all get up earlier open presents and we go to Great Grandma’s house, or Mema’s or however we set up that year. The fact she might spend Christmas in jail torn her to pieces. So she ended up running. I couldn’t tell you to where I didn’t know. On Christmas eve my dad gets a call from my mom and I could only make out a little of the conversation but what I got out of it was that my mom was at a bridge and she was going to jump. I went to the bathroom and cried and prayed, I had never prayed so hard in my life. My dad talked her out of jumping and found her and picked her up. We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas like nothing happened. On Christmas day my mom turned herself in and she spent two or three weeks in jail after that. In my family this was never spoken of again. I don’t even know if my sisters know about it. Except for my younger sister maybe but I remember because I still have the letter that she sent me after she was in jail.
During this time two people introduced me to something that changed my life. I wouldn’t say for the better. I won’t mention names because I don’t know if they want people to know about it. I started what was big back them called Rp (Stands for Role-play) it’s not the role-play everyone thinks of that is dirty before sex happens. It was on the computer and it didn’t have to be sexual. You picked a charter you made them up. Whoever you wanted to be you could be, celebrity, a gorgeous person. Whatever you wanted. I had several I went back and forth with it I was on it I was off of it. My couriousness got the best of me and mine turned sexual. After it turned sexual it was sexual with guys and girls. My mind got lost in it. The lust of sin that was inside me I could no longer control until it was no longer a thing when Facebook was created and Myspace changed. However something changed in me.
I was on chat rooms, I fell into watching porn. I joined a site called meetme which was like the first tinder, hot or not, and pof. I talked to people I didn’t know. First it was just guys and just talking. Then it lead to online “dating.” I met this guy and I thought he was the best thing in the world. He made me happy, made me feel good about myself that I have never felt. He wanted more; he wanted me to send dirty messages. At first I didn’t want to do it and I said no I held my ground. Then he started to pull away I no longer felt good about myself and so I gave in. Then he asked me to watch porn and masturbate I said no he pulled away again and I did it anyway. Eventually I gave him up and let it go. However to end up being stuck in an addiction to pornography. That let to me wanting to talk to girls on there and I “dated” a few. We never met these people I talked to. I never talked dirty to anyone but I’d tell them I loved them I tell them I wanted to be with them. However I just wanted to feel good and that seem to be the only way to feel good about myself, like I was wanted.
One spring break my 8[SUP]th[/SUP] grade year. I stayed with a “Friend.” Before this weekend I had gone to teen clubs with my older sisters. It was something we did. Not proud of it I had only done it a few times with them. My “friend” over spring break wanted to go to one. So we did. We stayed, we dressed provoked and I felt really uncomfortable. We went and we met two guys the place wasn’t really filled with people. We ended up leaving with the guys and going to hang out at Walmart and then we went to hang out at one of the guy’s houses but in the car. My friend started making out with one of the guys and I just sat there. After that we went back to the teen club and we went in and then her and one of the guys walked out and I was there by myself uncomfortable and I wanted to leave. The guy ended up taking us home. Her sister was upset t she didn’t know this guy but in the end she didn’t care. A few days later we met up with them again at the teen club. We didn’t stay. My “friend ended up getting into an argument with them because they made a comment that we are young. We ended up leaving and walked on the road to Walmart. It wasn’t that far actually the teen club was right behind it but it was still unsafe. Her sister finally picked us up and was yelling at us saying we shouldn’t have done that we could have been kidnapped and we went home. At the time I didn’t have a phone I used hers a lot. That night I texted on of the guys and I said was sorry it shouldn’t have happened like that. We ended up talking for a day or two.
A day or two later I found out he lived like right behind her apartment complex so we walked up there. At the time his care was getting towed and he was mad. We ended up sitting and hanging out and then his dad asked which of you is he saying and the guy said neither. The dad laughs and says well because he already has a girlfriend and they’ve been dating for a year. I was upset because I kind of had a crush on him, and then she was mad because they had some stuff already. That same day we picked up her boyfriend and he came over. They slept on the floor and I slept on the couch. They ended up having sex on the floor and then one of her friends texted her phone and I texted back. I didn’t really know who he was but I replied anyway. We got to talking and we ended up sending dirty messages. Later to find out that the guy was a boyfriend on and off again of a friend of ours I was so scared because she was the fighting kind. When we went back to school, the word got to her. I got the evil eye and several times I was threatened of being beaten up. I was bullied my so called friend ratted me out and I was honestly scared. I’m not the fighting kind. In the end it blew over and I left those friends behind but I was still depressed I felt something missing.
She finally graduated and we were happy again she was working, my dad was working my sisters were back and the only problem we had was that our family argued and me and my sisters argued and sometimes even fought. Sometime after that my Papa died. It was the hardest thing I had to take actually. I was hurt I fell into a stage of depression. I completely lost myself. My eighth grade and 9[SUP]th[/SUP] grade years were dark. I went to church but was dark and I didn’t care because I felt everyone around me didn’t care and didn’t want to know the hurt I was going through. In 9[SUP]th[/SUP] grade I started hanging out with the wrong crowed I started drinking, smoking, and cutting myself... This led me to popping pills. My “Best friend” brought them to school. I couldn’t tell you what half of them were, they were different kinds and I ended up taking about 20 before class the days she brought them. I thought I was fine all my friends were doing it hey why not. One day I was staying after school I don’t remember what for but so was one of my older sisters. She caught me taking some pills. I told her it was Tylenol but she didn’t believe me. One day after school I came home and my parents sat me down and asked me about it. I told them not even though I had a few in my pocket and they checked and found them. They said I needed to stop or they were going to start drug testing me and sending me to therapy so I stopped. For a while.