G
girlwhoneedsachange
Guest
It wasn’t until one Disciple Now weekend with my youth group. The weekend was eye opening and really touched my heart. One night after we all played one round of a game I looked around and I saw everyone was so happy. They seemed to have no troubles and I couldn’t figure out what it was but I wanted it. I felt so low I can’t even describe the feeling I had. I was low and hurt and felt sick. I stop playing with them and I sat on the bed and took out my journal and put my headphones in and wrote and wrote. Pages of trying to describe everything I was thinking and feeling and what was going through my head. I couldn’t get it out fast enough. Then I noticed everyone starting to leave and go to the places where they were sleeping. I and my best friend where the only ones left, and I couldn’t sleep and I turned to her and spilled out my heart and told her all that was going through my head. She listened and then when I was finished she basically said it is God, the only person that can fill that hole and give you joy Is God. We finally went to sleep and I just slept on that thought but was determined and thought about really giving my life to Christ.
The next morning was Sunday and the first person I could think have I needed to talk to has always been there for me and has been like a church mom to me. After Sunday school we met up before we went to the sanctuary and we walked to her car and we got in and talked. I told her everything and I poured out my heart everything I had done and everything going through my mind. I told her I wanted to really give my life to Christ. That day on February 23, 2010 I gave my life to Christ. I fully surrender for myself and for real this time. That night I followed in believer’s baptism.
I was more involved in church I joined the youth band. For the first time in my life I felt filled, I felt like I belonged, I felt like I was loved. I had hope, I had joy, and I had peace. In 2011 my youth group had a mission trip to Los Angeles. I felt called to go. It was 1300$ to go on this trip. It was hard because I had no money and my parents weren’t going to pay for it. Honestly it was all God that I raised the money to go on this trip. I sold candy at school, I got sponsorships. Every day I thought I was short. However I came up that I met every due date. I was amazed and when it was finally the last due date, I had it paid. It was all God I couldn’t tell you where all the money came from because I can’t but I know I had the funds to go. On the trip not only was I teaching and serving at the Dream Center in Los Angeles, but God was working in me and teaching me. I’ve seen things I would never have guessed. For the first time I’ve faced my fear of sharing God to others. I met people that were on drugs and that were poor and that had nearly nothing but thanked me for what we were doing. He used people to show me that God is everything, that when you have very little but you have God you have everything. It was amazing
After that I graduated high school and I was living for the Lord. It wasn’t until I got into college. My first semester I wasn’t that bad I focused on my studies I even joined a group called Chi Alpha which was a Christian group. I had always felt that God was calling me to work with high school youth ad share my story. However my second semester of college, I let God go I wanted to live my own life. I gave into temptation and lost my prize possession of my purity. I gave it to a guy I had only known for about an hour at the most. I felt heartbroken I felt lost but in the end I felt like it was the only thing that made me feel wanted. Until he left without a word and never heard from him again. I kept doing it. I kept giving into temptation with guys I barely knew. I partied, I drank, and I started smoking again. I was struggling with the addiction of porn again. I was lost and had this hole in me that I needed to feel. The hole of wanting to feel wanted.
After my second semester I met a guy, I was working on Fort Benning, and we met through a dating site called POF. POF, Tinder, Hot or not, helped me get into a lot of trouble, not blaming the sites but they are what I used. He stopped by work and we met and he wanted to show me off to his friend. Then he came over to my place and we hung out watched a movie. I wanted a real relationship and I thought he would be it. I didn’t think about was this guy Christian, did he live for God simply because I wasn’t. So I gave him my heart we had an impure relationship, we partied, drank, and had sex we were carefree and thought we were in love. He broke up with me one day and I was heartbroken and devastated and I tried to bring him back but he didn’t. So eventually I found someone else to make me feel wanted for about five minutes. Soon after that he wanted to try again. We worked for another month and then we found out I had an STD and the guy that gave it to me was the I had slept with, and he didn’t know about him because I didn’t want him to know. We broke up again and it was hard and I cried and I was upset and broken once again.
I didn’t fall back into having sex. The STD scared me and I wanted a real relationship. I started to think about I wanted a nice Christian guy and I wanted to get right again. When I met another guy. He was sweet and charming country and what I was looking for. Unlike everyone else we didn’t have sex our first date. He was nice and kept his distance. We had several dates and then we spent a weekend camping that following weekend after we met. Then we did have sex. Soon after that I was at his place which he lived with his parents. His mom is a Christian woman goes to church service, and is married to a Christian man who loves the lord. We did go to church we and I thought I was in love I thought I found the one and that he loved the lord. A month later I and he and his sister and a friend of his moved into a house together. He had a temper and could be very mean with his words. His mom couldn’t take it. She loves him and would do anything for him but couldn’t have him live there any more so we all moved out. We fell into drinking at the house, and just having a good time so to speak we stopped going to church or he did I went a lot of the time. We ended up fighting a lot and it was hard to be around each other sometimes. We ended up taking a break when our friend moved out and I moved into the other room and it was hard seeing each other every day. That next week I hung out with his mom and I realized to myself I will live my own life I will get more into my studies and more involved in my sorority AOII and try to live independently. The same day he told me and his mom he had a surprise for me and that he had a date planned and he thought when I sent him the message I was breaking up with him but I wasn’t I just said we are two people who live together. We went on a date that night and he had gotten me a present and he talked a lot about marriage and kids and basically everything I wanted to hear. When we got back to the house he had his mom and sister move my stuff back into the room we had shared meaning he wanted the break to be over. I was happy and I was filled with joy and again I felt like I was wanted.
One day he and his sister got into a fight and he didn’t want to live there anymore, and he wanted to move out so after debating I decided to go with him, we moved out to Opelika and got our own apartment and I had left school and my job for him. I thought I could transfer and continue my degree but it didn’t work out like that. We struggled and I couldn’t find a job for a while and when I finally did I did make enough. We often fought over money. I ended up taking a car loan out on my car to help pay for some bills. However we still struggled and still fought. I tried my hardest to make him happy, and keep the house clean, and am there for him, but it was hard he was distant and a lot of the times we were fighting over something that had to do with money. We went through Christmas he met my family and we had a good time and then in January he wanted to go camping, camping was a thing we did to get away and have a good time. We ended up going to North Carolina were a friend of his from the arm was staying at and we ended up going camping with them. They told us they were moving to Florida. Then after one day of camping we went back to their hotel and my boyfriend and his friend came up with the idea that let them come stay with us until they have the money to go to Florida. So a day or two later we come back to Opelika with everybody. Our house stayed a mess and I and he fought because I felt like we trying to compete with his friend’s relationship. Our he was trying to show of in front of him and they fought to like they were doing the same thing. I tried to have patience and I tried to keep calm but it was hard. I felt like he didn’t want me because when we didn’t have sex I felt like he wasn’t attracted to me, he didn’t want me, and that I wasn’t what he wanted anymore. I didn’t feel wanted by him when we fought either.
A week or two later we leave to Florida on a whim because we were all tired of being in the apartment. We decided to camp for a week and then their tax money would come in; we could stay with them, because my boyfriend wanted to move to Florida now. Again after some struggle with my heart and mind I decided to follow him, to hopefully it would help us like he said Opelika would. We get to Florida the first night was good we all had a good time. The next few days where hard we fought and argued about where we were going to stay, money, the same old things we would argue about. We were both looking for a job and it was tough. We would be okay and work it out or we would be arguing and I’d be secretly crying and he wouldn’t even notice. One day that we could reserve the camping spot we had all week and we either had to find another camp ground or get a hotel room. So I booked one it happened to be the wrong one. It was far and it took me forever to get there. My car was full so I had left my friend and her kids at the camp site and I’d come back and get them. It took me 5 hours and I don’t even know how I went the wrong way I found out later. I got the hotel anyway because it was already paid for. Then I got a call and text an hour later saying they picked them up and they were on their way and then an hour later I got another text saying where was I at I was too far I was actually on 20 mins to 30 mins down the road from them. Who I thought was my friends husband I found out later was actually my boyfriend texting me and being mean and saying just awful stuff like you left my kids out in the cold, you did this on purpose you didn’t care, stuff like that and it was so far from the truth I had made a mistake I don’t know Florida it was a mistake but I felt like I was the worst person in the world. I called my parents and told them everything and that I wanted to come home I tried getting my money back for the hotel but it didn’t work. I stayed the night and told my parents I was coming home tomorrow and I was so upset and so hurt that they hated me so much.
The next day I debated whether or not leaving, my parents sent me money to leave. I had to stop by their place to bring our friends their stuff that was in my car. I stayed for a little bit because my friend talked me into to it she said they were fine and that her husband wasn’t mad but she didn’t know about my boyfriend so I stayed a little bit. Eventually I offered to buy them lunch and I did. I spent the money my parents had sent me to go home and I stayed. Everyone seemed to be okay and we were happy again. Eventually our happiness faded. It always seemed to be because of money whether we had a place to stay or not. We stayed in Orlando for two or three days and we had fun we lived carefree but ended up spending a ton of money we shouldn’t have. We seemed happy for the moment. Our at least I thought. We went on a date he took me to a CSI thing I’ve always wanted to go to. I thought we were just stressed from everything but things would soon be falling into place. We stayed in a hotel for another week in Tampa. He worked at labor ready and I tried finding a job. We were back to arguing about money and what we were going to do. Eventually we ended up having to sleep in our cars for two days. We were waiting on my tax money to come in so we can put it towards a house. It finally came in and we were working on getting in but for two days he sent me to try and go work at labor ready. Labor ready is harsh work for little money. It is very hard for a guy and really isn’t a job for a women. He got mad when I said I didn’t want to go and he was very upset with me and tried talking me into going and basically guilt tripped me into going. He knew my weakens and my weakness was making him happy and wanting him to want me. The next day I get a text message from my friend and she asked how I and my sister were. I didn’t think anything about it. We got to talking and she eventually caught on that I was still in Florida. When she did all she could say was leave go home now you need to go home. I had no idea what she was talking about and I asked her to tell me and she said that basically he was cheating on me and that his camping trip with her husband wasn’t really with her husband, and that when I went home that weekend he was going to leave me and he didn’t care about me. I cried and I felt so alone, so lost, so heartbroken. At first I didn’t want to believe it. I called him over and over he supposedly had an interview but his phone was turned off for hours. I was stuck in my car driving around. I didn’t know what to do it was late in the afternoon I couldn’t drive home I had no money and I don’t drive well in the dark
I ended up leaving and going to her house. I cut his phone off because I was upset. I realized his laptop was in my truck. I didn’t take it on purpose it just happened to be where he left it. I stayed the night there and later that night we were trying to have a good time but I couldn’t enjoy it. Then my phone started going off. It was being blown up. He was trying to contact me. Asking me why I cut his phone off where did I go bring my laptop back. I told him why and he tried to tell me it wasn’t true and that they are lying. I read the text messages he sent there was no denying he sent him. My friend’s husband sort of step father got on the phone and yelled at everyone trying to call and tell them to leave me alone we are trying to enjoy the night in such crappy conditions. We left it at that but he threatened to call the cops if I didn’t give him his laptop back. I told him he could come and get it but I wasn’t’ bringing it to him. The next morning the cops show up at my door and said if I didn’t give it to them I would be arrested. I gave it to him. I gave up my schooling, and the job I loved for him but I wasn’t going to give up the little of a chance of a career I had for him so I gave it to the officers. I talked them into letting me stay the night again but and I did. My boyfriend was trying to get me to bring him his stuff and at the time I ignored it but a part of me wanted to believe him. On February 14[SUP]th[/SUP] he was blowing up my phone, his mom, was to. Asking if I could take him his clothes and the stuff he had in my car. I said I would meet him if he gave me my dog. The next day. He didn’t want to do it the next day. He wanted it now. So they’re step dad got mad and said I had to leave. He couldn’t take it anymore. I gave in and took him his stuff on my way home I was still going to my parents’ house. I let him keep the dog because I knew my parent’s house still had a chance of parvo and I didn’t want to see the dog die. While I met him we talked and he bought me a charger because mine wasn’t working, and he tried telling me it wasn’t true he wouldn’t cheat he knew how it felt. On the other hand this is for the better because the house had no water, nothing in it that I should go home. We talked about working it out. After a 5 hour drive I finally made it home.
The next day we skyped and we talked about making it work and he wanted to work it out and he loved me until it all stopped. A week went by we hadn’t talked. Then I found out the truth. He did cheat on me. Everything was true. He was seeing this other girl. I was heartbroken. I believed in someone I loved someone to be completely left alone, and dropped like nothing. I had slept with my ex and I smoked weed with him for the first time in my life. I was in a low place and I wanted to yet again feel wanted. I never felt so alone and so devastated mad at myself. I felt like a disappointment to myself, to God, to my family. I didn’t really talk to anyone. I kept to myself. I spent some time with God. However I felt like such a disappointment to him that I felt like he didn’t want me either. I slept with someone else. To hopefully get that want I needed to feel. However I wasn’t getting it. I was left and never talked to again.
The next morning was Sunday and the first person I could think have I needed to talk to has always been there for me and has been like a church mom to me. After Sunday school we met up before we went to the sanctuary and we walked to her car and we got in and talked. I told her everything and I poured out my heart everything I had done and everything going through my mind. I told her I wanted to really give my life to Christ. That day on February 23, 2010 I gave my life to Christ. I fully surrender for myself and for real this time. That night I followed in believer’s baptism.
I was more involved in church I joined the youth band. For the first time in my life I felt filled, I felt like I belonged, I felt like I was loved. I had hope, I had joy, and I had peace. In 2011 my youth group had a mission trip to Los Angeles. I felt called to go. It was 1300$ to go on this trip. It was hard because I had no money and my parents weren’t going to pay for it. Honestly it was all God that I raised the money to go on this trip. I sold candy at school, I got sponsorships. Every day I thought I was short. However I came up that I met every due date. I was amazed and when it was finally the last due date, I had it paid. It was all God I couldn’t tell you where all the money came from because I can’t but I know I had the funds to go. On the trip not only was I teaching and serving at the Dream Center in Los Angeles, but God was working in me and teaching me. I’ve seen things I would never have guessed. For the first time I’ve faced my fear of sharing God to others. I met people that were on drugs and that were poor and that had nearly nothing but thanked me for what we were doing. He used people to show me that God is everything, that when you have very little but you have God you have everything. It was amazing
After that I graduated high school and I was living for the Lord. It wasn’t until I got into college. My first semester I wasn’t that bad I focused on my studies I even joined a group called Chi Alpha which was a Christian group. I had always felt that God was calling me to work with high school youth ad share my story. However my second semester of college, I let God go I wanted to live my own life. I gave into temptation and lost my prize possession of my purity. I gave it to a guy I had only known for about an hour at the most. I felt heartbroken I felt lost but in the end I felt like it was the only thing that made me feel wanted. Until he left without a word and never heard from him again. I kept doing it. I kept giving into temptation with guys I barely knew. I partied, I drank, and I started smoking again. I was struggling with the addiction of porn again. I was lost and had this hole in me that I needed to feel. The hole of wanting to feel wanted.
After my second semester I met a guy, I was working on Fort Benning, and we met through a dating site called POF. POF, Tinder, Hot or not, helped me get into a lot of trouble, not blaming the sites but they are what I used. He stopped by work and we met and he wanted to show me off to his friend. Then he came over to my place and we hung out watched a movie. I wanted a real relationship and I thought he would be it. I didn’t think about was this guy Christian, did he live for God simply because I wasn’t. So I gave him my heart we had an impure relationship, we partied, drank, and had sex we were carefree and thought we were in love. He broke up with me one day and I was heartbroken and devastated and I tried to bring him back but he didn’t. So eventually I found someone else to make me feel wanted for about five minutes. Soon after that he wanted to try again. We worked for another month and then we found out I had an STD and the guy that gave it to me was the I had slept with, and he didn’t know about him because I didn’t want him to know. We broke up again and it was hard and I cried and I was upset and broken once again.
I didn’t fall back into having sex. The STD scared me and I wanted a real relationship. I started to think about I wanted a nice Christian guy and I wanted to get right again. When I met another guy. He was sweet and charming country and what I was looking for. Unlike everyone else we didn’t have sex our first date. He was nice and kept his distance. We had several dates and then we spent a weekend camping that following weekend after we met. Then we did have sex. Soon after that I was at his place which he lived with his parents. His mom is a Christian woman goes to church service, and is married to a Christian man who loves the lord. We did go to church we and I thought I was in love I thought I found the one and that he loved the lord. A month later I and he and his sister and a friend of his moved into a house together. He had a temper and could be very mean with his words. His mom couldn’t take it. She loves him and would do anything for him but couldn’t have him live there any more so we all moved out. We fell into drinking at the house, and just having a good time so to speak we stopped going to church or he did I went a lot of the time. We ended up fighting a lot and it was hard to be around each other sometimes. We ended up taking a break when our friend moved out and I moved into the other room and it was hard seeing each other every day. That next week I hung out with his mom and I realized to myself I will live my own life I will get more into my studies and more involved in my sorority AOII and try to live independently. The same day he told me and his mom he had a surprise for me and that he had a date planned and he thought when I sent him the message I was breaking up with him but I wasn’t I just said we are two people who live together. We went on a date that night and he had gotten me a present and he talked a lot about marriage and kids and basically everything I wanted to hear. When we got back to the house he had his mom and sister move my stuff back into the room we had shared meaning he wanted the break to be over. I was happy and I was filled with joy and again I felt like I was wanted.
One day he and his sister got into a fight and he didn’t want to live there anymore, and he wanted to move out so after debating I decided to go with him, we moved out to Opelika and got our own apartment and I had left school and my job for him. I thought I could transfer and continue my degree but it didn’t work out like that. We struggled and I couldn’t find a job for a while and when I finally did I did make enough. We often fought over money. I ended up taking a car loan out on my car to help pay for some bills. However we still struggled and still fought. I tried my hardest to make him happy, and keep the house clean, and am there for him, but it was hard he was distant and a lot of the times we were fighting over something that had to do with money. We went through Christmas he met my family and we had a good time and then in January he wanted to go camping, camping was a thing we did to get away and have a good time. We ended up going to North Carolina were a friend of his from the arm was staying at and we ended up going camping with them. They told us they were moving to Florida. Then after one day of camping we went back to their hotel and my boyfriend and his friend came up with the idea that let them come stay with us until they have the money to go to Florida. So a day or two later we come back to Opelika with everybody. Our house stayed a mess and I and he fought because I felt like we trying to compete with his friend’s relationship. Our he was trying to show of in front of him and they fought to like they were doing the same thing. I tried to have patience and I tried to keep calm but it was hard. I felt like he didn’t want me because when we didn’t have sex I felt like he wasn’t attracted to me, he didn’t want me, and that I wasn’t what he wanted anymore. I didn’t feel wanted by him when we fought either.
A week or two later we leave to Florida on a whim because we were all tired of being in the apartment. We decided to camp for a week and then their tax money would come in; we could stay with them, because my boyfriend wanted to move to Florida now. Again after some struggle with my heart and mind I decided to follow him, to hopefully it would help us like he said Opelika would. We get to Florida the first night was good we all had a good time. The next few days where hard we fought and argued about where we were going to stay, money, the same old things we would argue about. We were both looking for a job and it was tough. We would be okay and work it out or we would be arguing and I’d be secretly crying and he wouldn’t even notice. One day that we could reserve the camping spot we had all week and we either had to find another camp ground or get a hotel room. So I booked one it happened to be the wrong one. It was far and it took me forever to get there. My car was full so I had left my friend and her kids at the camp site and I’d come back and get them. It took me 5 hours and I don’t even know how I went the wrong way I found out later. I got the hotel anyway because it was already paid for. Then I got a call and text an hour later saying they picked them up and they were on their way and then an hour later I got another text saying where was I at I was too far I was actually on 20 mins to 30 mins down the road from them. Who I thought was my friends husband I found out later was actually my boyfriend texting me and being mean and saying just awful stuff like you left my kids out in the cold, you did this on purpose you didn’t care, stuff like that and it was so far from the truth I had made a mistake I don’t know Florida it was a mistake but I felt like I was the worst person in the world. I called my parents and told them everything and that I wanted to come home I tried getting my money back for the hotel but it didn’t work. I stayed the night and told my parents I was coming home tomorrow and I was so upset and so hurt that they hated me so much.
The next day I debated whether or not leaving, my parents sent me money to leave. I had to stop by their place to bring our friends their stuff that was in my car. I stayed for a little bit because my friend talked me into to it she said they were fine and that her husband wasn’t mad but she didn’t know about my boyfriend so I stayed a little bit. Eventually I offered to buy them lunch and I did. I spent the money my parents had sent me to go home and I stayed. Everyone seemed to be okay and we were happy again. Eventually our happiness faded. It always seemed to be because of money whether we had a place to stay or not. We stayed in Orlando for two or three days and we had fun we lived carefree but ended up spending a ton of money we shouldn’t have. We seemed happy for the moment. Our at least I thought. We went on a date he took me to a CSI thing I’ve always wanted to go to. I thought we were just stressed from everything but things would soon be falling into place. We stayed in a hotel for another week in Tampa. He worked at labor ready and I tried finding a job. We were back to arguing about money and what we were going to do. Eventually we ended up having to sleep in our cars for two days. We were waiting on my tax money to come in so we can put it towards a house. It finally came in and we were working on getting in but for two days he sent me to try and go work at labor ready. Labor ready is harsh work for little money. It is very hard for a guy and really isn’t a job for a women. He got mad when I said I didn’t want to go and he was very upset with me and tried talking me into going and basically guilt tripped me into going. He knew my weakens and my weakness was making him happy and wanting him to want me. The next day I get a text message from my friend and she asked how I and my sister were. I didn’t think anything about it. We got to talking and she eventually caught on that I was still in Florida. When she did all she could say was leave go home now you need to go home. I had no idea what she was talking about and I asked her to tell me and she said that basically he was cheating on me and that his camping trip with her husband wasn’t really with her husband, and that when I went home that weekend he was going to leave me and he didn’t care about me. I cried and I felt so alone, so lost, so heartbroken. At first I didn’t want to believe it. I called him over and over he supposedly had an interview but his phone was turned off for hours. I was stuck in my car driving around. I didn’t know what to do it was late in the afternoon I couldn’t drive home I had no money and I don’t drive well in the dark
I ended up leaving and going to her house. I cut his phone off because I was upset. I realized his laptop was in my truck. I didn’t take it on purpose it just happened to be where he left it. I stayed the night there and later that night we were trying to have a good time but I couldn’t enjoy it. Then my phone started going off. It was being blown up. He was trying to contact me. Asking me why I cut his phone off where did I go bring my laptop back. I told him why and he tried to tell me it wasn’t true and that they are lying. I read the text messages he sent there was no denying he sent him. My friend’s husband sort of step father got on the phone and yelled at everyone trying to call and tell them to leave me alone we are trying to enjoy the night in such crappy conditions. We left it at that but he threatened to call the cops if I didn’t give him his laptop back. I told him he could come and get it but I wasn’t’ bringing it to him. The next morning the cops show up at my door and said if I didn’t give it to them I would be arrested. I gave it to him. I gave up my schooling, and the job I loved for him but I wasn’t going to give up the little of a chance of a career I had for him so I gave it to the officers. I talked them into letting me stay the night again but and I did. My boyfriend was trying to get me to bring him his stuff and at the time I ignored it but a part of me wanted to believe him. On February 14[SUP]th[/SUP] he was blowing up my phone, his mom, was to. Asking if I could take him his clothes and the stuff he had in my car. I said I would meet him if he gave me my dog. The next day. He didn’t want to do it the next day. He wanted it now. So they’re step dad got mad and said I had to leave. He couldn’t take it anymore. I gave in and took him his stuff on my way home I was still going to my parents’ house. I let him keep the dog because I knew my parent’s house still had a chance of parvo and I didn’t want to see the dog die. While I met him we talked and he bought me a charger because mine wasn’t working, and he tried telling me it wasn’t true he wouldn’t cheat he knew how it felt. On the other hand this is for the better because the house had no water, nothing in it that I should go home. We talked about working it out. After a 5 hour drive I finally made it home.
The next day we skyped and we talked about making it work and he wanted to work it out and he loved me until it all stopped. A week went by we hadn’t talked. Then I found out the truth. He did cheat on me. Everything was true. He was seeing this other girl. I was heartbroken. I believed in someone I loved someone to be completely left alone, and dropped like nothing. I had slept with my ex and I smoked weed with him for the first time in my life. I was in a low place and I wanted to yet again feel wanted. I never felt so alone and so devastated mad at myself. I felt like a disappointment to myself, to God, to my family. I didn’t really talk to anyone. I kept to myself. I spent some time with God. However I felt like such a disappointment to him that I felt like he didn’t want me either. I slept with someone else. To hopefully get that want I needed to feel. However I wasn’t getting it. I was left and never talked to again.