S
Shadowwolg
Guest
In my journey of healing, I am learning to share whats on my heart. To be open, to be honest... well, the last few days, I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts again, this is nothing new... this is actually my counselors greatest worry of me... that when life gets to overwhelming, that I don't reach out and ask for help...that I don't allow goodness in my life so that when hard times hit, i don't react by thinking on suicide. I know that tomorrow morning i will wake up and start a new day, that each day brings new opportunities... have to admit, I miss my adopted mom..... this saturday will be 4 years since she has been gone, but with alzheimer, she was actually gone, long before that.. I miss having that one person who told me that she cared and she showed it by supporting me in so many different things.... i struggle with just constantlly dealing with conflict of emotions, and such... emotions that stem from my child abuse and hearing of others abuse, ..... ya know when you drink to much, you can just go relieve yourself and everything is fine. wish there is a pratical way that i could just open up a vaulve and release my mixed emotions and such and close it when I let enough emotions out.... I spend a lot of my days, thinking positive, pushing aside my negative thoughts and emotions, I wish i would soon just be positive.... I know part of my problem is that I am tired, and i haven't been sleeping well...but then again, the more i get stressed out, the more i am restless in my sleep.....ok.... i feel like a hypocrite often, when i encourage others yet i feel this way..yet i know how others feel... sometimes i think thats the problem, i feel, care to much....but i really don't want to be hard hearted.... i know there will be healing, if not on this side of life, then in eternity...but i am tired... and knowing that tomorrow, i will most likely struggle with mixed emotions and what not...well....that is tiring in itself.... I know, i can't see the future, just wish there is a way to know though that i will soon overcome this negativism and understand and choose to be happy....bc i am trying..but knowing this is so depression and where my thoughts then take me to suicidal thoughts.. I also know that all this is done through God, bc of God...I know i can't do any of this on my strength....