Need a little emotional support right now

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cajunmommy

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I'm not sure where to take this. I am going through an emotionally turbulent time right now and just need a little support. My husband and I have been together 14 years. We discussed children a few times before marriage 9 years ago, but never agreed on a final number. He said maybe one or two, I said maybe two or three. He was very uncertain about whether or not he wanted to start trying to conceive our first child. He said at the time that he didn't think he was ready for the stress, the financial strain, the up all night with an infant, etc. After five years of begging him for one child I finally had to threaten to leave him because I knew our marriage would ultimately suffer in the long run. Being childless (and not due to fertility issues) was something I felt I simply could not live with, be it right or wrong. Thank God, my prayers were finally answered. He agreed to have a child and now we have a beautiful four year old little girl. She is fantastic and he is a wonderful father. He doesn't regret having her at all. We are very happy. However, for the last two years I have mentioned several times that I would like another, but he thinks he is done. He says "Isn't our daughter enough for you?" Yes, she can satisfy me, but there is this deep longing for just. one. more. child. I feel like we are not complete without one more and I would really like my daughter to have a sibling. I have not been pressuring my husband. In fact, I don't think I've brought up the subject in nearly a year. However, tomorrow is my 34th birthday. We did agree on one thing years ago-- that we would not try to conceive any children beyond the age of 35 due to increase health risks. So our self-imposed deadline is looming and I am so afraid to bring up the subject of children again. I know he will say no. I have already gone over all the reasons I would like another and he has gone over all the reasons he would like to only have one. I respect his wishes. I am trying to accept this. I know I have to. I would never leave him for not wanting another child. My problem is that I am going through a lot of emotions in dealing with this. I have prayed and prayed for either God to change his heart or to change mine and help me accept this. I am grateful for the child I have and sort of feel guilty that I still want more, because really she IS enough for me. Does that make any sense? But, how do I get through this emotionally? I am feeling depressed and so alone in this. I don't know a single other person in real life that can relate to this. Everyone makes it worse by always asking when we are going to have another child. I wish they would quit asking. My family even guilt trips me about it. Any words of wisdom or comfort? I could sure use some... Thank you for taking the time to read this.
 
HI i read what you said and could hear in your words the pain you have ,,, i have 4 kids and although there all in there 30's and 40's there a blessing

its hard to know what to say to you in many ways (( being a male )) i think guys view the whole kids thing differantly ,,,, a lot of men see the kids come into there lifes and the special times with there wifes no longer happends as the kids have needs so the man gets pushed to one side sometimes for years till the kids start to have lives themselfs ,,,I mean they leave home ,,,,, and it could well be that fear factor that your own hubby is feeling even though you have a wonderful daughter ,,,,

many feel that if the doctors found the male pill the world wouldnt have anywhere near 8 billion people in it but rather 4 or 5 billion as a lot of men just want the Lady they fell in love with and no one else in the home ,,,,,,

Now i'm not saying this is where your hubby is comming from as i dont know the man ,,,

But maybe by me posting this it will let you see where some men are comming from ,,, not that these men would every say that of course ,,,, they would all say **we love kids** but some men cant say this in front of others ,,,,

i have no real answers for you just trying to get you to see it from another point of view and with this info you could then be better placed to talk him round by telling him that no one will ever come between you two ,,, not even the kids

i hope this will help

God Bless You

BADDOG
 
I appreciate your reply. Thank you. I see where you are coming from, but I don't really think it applies to my husband although I could be wrong. He's never been one to "need" me really. If anything, our daughter has become the center of his world and I'm sort of on the sidelines most of the time, LOL. He is very hands on. He comes home and she doesn't leave his side until bedtime. They are super close. I'm sort of jealous, actually, but not really in a bad way. I am glad they are so close and I know he still loves me, too. I think it's more of a financial thing. He has his hobbies and our daughter has been expensive with the most expensive formula (doctor recommended and her preference), the most expensive diapers (because cheaper diapers actually didn't work all they great when we tried them), and later on-- expensive private school, expensive hobbies, nice clothes. We are not trying to spoil her, but give her every resource we can. He says that another child will require attention and resources that will take away from her.
 
I think first children get the best that couples can provide. Parrents want nothign but the best. but inreality all that stuff doesn't really matter. your time and love is all they really want. That is what will gro theminto great people. It is natural for the 2nd, 3rd, and foutrht to start dividing the parents tim and eventually the youngest get very little by most standards. it's kinda how people put traits to children based on their pecking order.

So having more children should not be a money issue unless you just can't provide for the necessary things. But remember, most start making their real money in their 40's and 50's. So you will make more and more like most.

If I were trying to convince my wife to have another baby, which we will not (>45) I think she would if it meant that much tome. maybe your husband feals he already did his duty in the first agreement and your even now. but remember marriage is about sharing. How would anyone know what they feal or desire years earlier. I have always thought marriage agreements such as "not having kids after 35" rather foolish. How little we know in our twenties. Plus,, by todays standards if you are healthy I really do not think 35 is old at all to have children.

Good luck! Ask God to work in both of your spirits to show the both of you the way.
 
Hi Cajunmommy,

I have a friend that only had one child because of some of the same reasons your husband decided to only have one.
Their only regret is that they did not think about their child not having siblings, neices, nephews or someone to be a support after
they are gone. They both came from small families, so their daughter only has a few cousins from her side.
If you have a large surrounding family, this will help fill in the gap.
Have you talked to him from your daughters perspective?

God bless and may He give you both wisdom and peace...
Love in Christ, Shekaniah
 
Dear Cajunmommy,

I can empathize with your situation. I was an only child myself, with a relatively small family, and as time has gone by I have found myself regretting the fact that I don't have more siblings or relatives. However, I do believe that this may not be the right forum for your problem.

As far as I know, there is no scriptural principle that tells us how many children we should have. The Bible makes it clear that children are a blessing from God, but it does not mandate how many "blessings" are the right number.

Since your husband is being a good father, it seems to me that your perspective is a bit selfish, too. (And, in my opinion, threatening to leave him over not having children was more than a bit selfish.) After all, it seems that he has never really led you on by saying that he wanted a lot of children. He is pretty much saying the same thing he always has.

This is an issue that can only be settled between you and your husband with a lot of open, prayerful discussion. In your case, I would suggest that you seek God's will in this situation; not your own. There may be a good reason why He has limited you to one child.

In any case, any advice that you get here will not help until you can sit down and have a meaningful discussion with your husband. Tell him how you feel and find out how he feels. Then perhaps you can reach an understanding over this issue. Also, make sure that your wishes are aligned with God's will. That way, any more children you do have will really be that blessing you are hoping for.

God be with you in your quest.
 
Cajunmommy, I don't know what being a mother is but I know that this is a common problem between some couples...I have heard pastors saying that the reason why some women feel a void for not having children is because they are made that way, I mean is not the same for all women but a lot of them long for children more than almost any man would. It's natural. However, you do have one praise God, I don't know the reasons why your husband doesn't want another child, it's not for me to judge that but you said he said one or two at the beggining.
The only thing I can tell you is to keep it in prayer, even if you think God is not answering...He is,He works behind the scenes :) this will sound like the obvious answer and I'm sure someone else has said this, but try to be content with the daughter you have, fill your day with her and with God. Maybe she will ask one day why she doesn't have a brother or sister and that will touch your husband's heart, only God knows. Leave this on his hands while you are prayerful.
I will be praying for you <3
 
I truly understand your desire for more children. I have a son in his teens that I had extreme difficulty giving birth to. Then my husband became terminally ill from a hereditary disease, so we decided it might be best not to have more children, yet I have always had the desire in my heart to have more. It simply has not been God's plan for my life so far. He must have His reasons.

I don't agree with making threats regarding ending a marriage to get our way in any event. I also understand your husband's reluctance, especially with regard to finances. While children want our love, time and attention, not our money, it is extremely expensive to raise a child in a way that will give them a good start/strong future.

I will pray with you that God's will be done and that He will give you and your husband grace, patience and love for one another, no matter how things turn out. It seems as if you have a very lovely family. You are blessed. :)
 
Your story is a story that takes place in many homes around the world. This story is a sensitive topic with lots of passion behind it. Kids are great, but not having kids is great too. We were kinda in the same situation a few years ago. We left it to God and set a date for our cut off just as you, the exception is at the cut off date we agreed my husband would get a Ves. done. God did have it in our plans to have another, a couple weeks before our cut off I found out I was pregnant. He is our most complicating child!!

Back to my point, maybe it would help you and your husband to give it to God and set an expiration date. If it happens, it was meant to if it doesn't you cannot continue to long you'll have to deal with God's will. This will hopefully prevent you from having any sort of resentment towards your husband and vice versa.
I agree with the few people who brought up the points about your child's upbringing and future when you guys are not around and the niece/nephew/cousin points! Something for your husband to think about!
God's plan is in the making if it is meant to be it will be!!!!!!
 
dmdave17 said:
Dear Cajunmommy,

I can empathize with your situation. I was an only child myself, with a relatively small family, and as time has gone by I have found myself regretting the fact that I don't have more siblings or relatives. However, I do believe that this may not be the right forum for your problem.

As far as I know, there is no scriptural principle that tells us how many children we should have. The Bible makes it clear that children are a blessing from God, but it does not mandate how many "blessings" are the right number.

Since your husband is being a good father, it seems to me that your perspective is a bit selfish, too. (And, in my opinion, threatening to leave him over not having children was more than a bit selfish.) After all, it seems that he has never really led you on by saying that he wanted a lot of children. He is pretty much saying the same thing he always has.

This is an issue that can only be settled between you and your husband with a lot of open, prayerful discussion. In your case, I would suggest that you seek God's will in this situation; not your own. There may be a good reason why He has limited you to one child.

In any case, any advice that you get here will not help until you can sit down and have a meaningful discussion with your husband. Tell him how you feel and find out how he feels. Then perhaps you can reach an understanding over this issue. Also, make sure that your wishes are aligned with God's will. That way, any more children you do have will really be that blessing you are hoping for.

God be with you in your quest.
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Yes, it would be nice for your daughter to have a sibling, but I have to agree with dmdave :)

No one can really answer this....it's between you and your husband. Your marriage is the foundation of three lives; it comes first. But I'll PRAY THAT HE CHANGES HIS MIND :)
 
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