Need advice my boyfriend is saved but lacks so much

[trinidee3]

Hi.

I've met my boyfriend at church. He is a true man of God, very sweet, and caring.

I've also desired a man who loves God like he does...but I'm only attracted to him for this very reason.

He got in an accident when he was younger, and he walks with a very bad limp. But also, he is 30 lives at home with mom in which they are both on the lease. He doesn't have a car and works part time at a college tutoring. I am 25, have a car, a degree, full time job I'm a go getter and I live at home too. So I have to pick him up for dates .... He pays for the date..He isn't the best looking guy, and I already know most people will think why is a pretty accomplished lady like myself with a handicap guy that doesnt have much to offer. I'm with him because the spiritual part is sooo important to me because I'm very spiritual and I dated guys that weren't and i couldn't connect. It is so hard to find a true Christian man. And I don't want to let him go for that reason. When I'm with him I feel so good, I don't think about the things he don't have. We always have a good time together. It is so peaceful in our relationship. This guy really loves me.

He also doesn't dress good. So it is like I've being to give him a makeover with new clothes, tell him to get a hair cut etc. He says he will provide a home for when we get married and he knows he has to get a better paying job to provide. He isn't very smart like doesn't know how to spell common words. Or know some basic vocabulary. And I feel bad at times because I'm always expressing something that bothers me. He really loves me and wants to do whatever to please me. I'm his first girlfriend, and most girls never gave him s chance because of his physical condition. He makes me feel special, very romantic, I know he willmake a good dad, spiritual leader in the home.

My question is should I be patient for the material things to line up in his life? Sometimes I feel like I'm too above him and I'm settling only because he is a nice Christian man, but everything else he lacks.

Thanks in advance for the advice.

 

[Nautilus]

Hi.

I've met my boyfriend at church. He is a true man of God, very sweet, and caring.

I've also desired a man who loves God like he does...but I'm only attracted to him for this very reason.

He got in an accident when he was younger, and he walks with a very bad limp. But also, he is 30 lives at home with mom in which they are both on the lease. He doesn't have a car and works part time at a college tutoring. I am 25, have a car, a degree, full time job I'm a go getter and I live at home too. So I have to pick him up for dates .... He pays for the date..He isn't the best looking guy, and I already know most people will think why is a pretty accomplished lady like myself with a handicap guy that doesnt have much to offer. I'm with him because the spiritual part is sooo important to me because I'm very spiritual and I dated guys that weren't and i couldn't connect. It is so hard to find a true Christian man. And I don't want to let him go for that reason. When I'm with him I feel so good, I don't think about the things he don't have. We always have a good time together. It is so peaceful in our relationship. This guy really loves me.

He also doesn't dress good. So it is like I've being to give him a makeover with new clothes, tell him to get a hair cut etc. He says he will provide a home for when we get married and he knows he has to get a better paying job to provide. He isn't very smart like doesn't know how to spell common words. Or know some basic vocabulary. And I feel bad at times because I'm always expressing something that bothers me. He really loves me and wants to do whatever to please me. I'm his first girlfriend, and most girls never gave him s chance because of his physical condition. He makes me feel special, very romantic, I know he willmake a good dad, spiritual leader in the home.

My question is should I be patient for the material things to line up in his life? Sometimes I feel like I'm too above him and I'm settling only because he is a nice Christian man, but everything else he lacks.

Thanks in advance for the advice.

I saw the red then re-read the whole post again...lol'ed.

If your concerns are, what people might think about why a 'pretty accomplished lady' is with 'a handicap guy that doesn't have much to offer'? or 'My question is should I be patient for the material things to line up in his life?' perhaps he should find someone better that isn't concerned with such shallow things.

 

[trinidee3]

I'm not trying to be shallow but realistic. Should I try to overlook the fact that he doesn't have anything to offer except the fact that he is a good Christian man and love? I just have my fears when I think about marrying him. Thanks

 

[Nautilus]

Didn't someone once say all you need is love? I'm unfamiliar when that stopped being the case.

 

[Hellooo]

This guy sounds pretty special, trinidee....

Its funny because I usually hear ladies with concerns over men with opposite characteristics....really attractive, really nice, funny, great careers, super intelligent, etc...but NOT saved, or serious about God.

It sounds like he's making an effort to improve his situation from your post? And he genuinely seeks to please you? And capable of being a spiritual leader for you and your kids? It could be worse!


I'm not saying your concerns are necessarily unimportant..its normal to want to be attracted to the man we want to marry, not live with his parents etc (myself, I don't care either way about poor spelling and vocab), but it seems like the concerns you posted aren't permanent, nor are they impossible to work through. A lot of couples enter into marriage unsure about their careers/ school, or save up together to buy or rent a home, or a car..they support each other to meet whatever those goals are. I know a guy in a wheelchair whose wife is literally his helpmate, and even though she has to be the one managing and supporting the house, she still only has eyes for her husband.

This is similar to the Unicorn Hunter/Volvo Settler debate theme that comes up time to time on here. I'm not sure what the right answer is, whether you should stay or go, but just make sure this isn't a situation where you are stringing him along until you find someone you think is better.

 

[nib]

I'm not sure what the right answer is, whether you should stay or go, but just make sure this isn't a situation where you are stringing him along until you find someone you think is better.

^This.

I don't feel like a disability or the way he looks should be deciding factors-- after all, most of us will become disabled at some point during our lives, and looks have a tendency to decline anyway. Honestly, all I can really say is pray about it.

 

[JimJimmers]

To say he is not smart is unfair. If he works at a college as a tutor, he knows something about something. Some people are more specialized than others. Language is not everyone's gift. (It doesn't appear to be your gift either, if that helps.)

Don't worry about what others think of the relationship, you shouldn't concern yourself with such things.

 

[Ugly]

What you need to understand is when you marry someone, you are marrying who they ARE, and you cannot ever marry someone for who you think they Could be, or who you think you can turn them into. It seems to me you are already trying to make him into what you want, changing his clothes, telling him to get his haircut. This is not a sign of a woman who will show submission in her marriage, you are the one in charge and bossing him around and trying to change him.
Chances are, if he isn't doing much now with himself, that won't change with marriage. So what you need to do is stop trying to change him and either learn to accept him, all of him, for who he is, flaws, bad clothes and haircut, and all. Or decide these things, and his lack of supporting himself is not worth it and move on. No one can tell you what you should do, these are your personal decisions. Just don't move forward with an attitude of making him different. If you marry him as he is, and he stays the same (most likely he will) all it will do is become a major problem in your marriage with you on his case about not working. It won't likely phase him, just make him sick of hearing you. Think it through.

 

[shae0104]

uggs said it best and if u feel like y r settling then already made the choice. woman up so u aren't hurting him anymore than needed

 

[spacefreak]

even though he is not as accomplished as you are he may still have alot to offer mainly if he's stronger spiritually strong then physically then he may be in your life to help you in your spiritual walk to where you can be in his life to help make his life stronger in the physical, i don't know for sher bur it's possible, we sometimes don't know what GOD has in plan

 

[Jullianna]

I pray that this sweet, godly man who loves so much and is willing to work hard to provide a home will find someone who loves him for who he is. Someone who is willing to walk with him to build a life with him, learning together.

Do you truly believe that some of us are above or beneath others of us?

 

[OnThisRock]

Well sounds like the Lord is working on your heart. Praise God. He's showing what He wants for you!

 

[Robbinette]

Physical things can be fixed, those things can and will change. If how he looks is important to you than pick out some things you like for him, surprise him by offering to take him to a barber you've heard really good things about. I'm not trying to sound negative at all but would you want him wondering those things about you? Are the things on the outside more important than on the inside. I've actually been in his place before and had someone judge me like that the only difference was it was an opposite reaction. I had never met this one guy before and the first thing he said to me was hey what's up your hot. I was so offended yeah I know some girls would just love that but not me. I'm not going to look like this in 20 or 30 years. That was the first thing he said to me because it was the most important. I just told him look I'm not interested, you don't even know what kind of person I am. And I don't want to date someone that thinks what I am on the outside is more important than who I am on the inside. So if you were one of my friends this is the advice I would give to you. You need to decide what is more important to you. Is this the type of man you can see yourself being with? Someone who is a good man with a kind heart but a thinner wallet and lacking all the credentials? Or what you rather have the opposite someone who looks like Brad Pitt and has no relationship with God and probably thinks and worries about the same things you are struggling with? Like do you look important enough for me to date? Or you attractive and well educated? I think you already know the answer I think the devil is just whispering in your ear and deterring your walk with God. Even if it doesn't work out with this man I hope it doesn't end because of issues that are material and in the end are not important. He sounds like a good man and honestly I think the real question is are you worthy of him? Hope this helps I'll be praying for you good luck and God Bless

 

[Chr]

Its sounds like your more his friend and that you don't want to marry him.I hope you guys remain friends if you breakup.He sounds like a very nice man.

 

[princessbella]

coi;dnt have put it better myself nautilus. Seriously trinidee3 he deserves better , and i think you know that... i have a medical condition, theres things that a guy is going to have to accept about me... and if he cant look past those things then hes not for me.. if you cant accept him and love him warts and all, then you shouldnt be with him.

I saw the red then re-read the whole post again...lol'ed.

If your concerns are, what people might think about why a 'pretty accomplished lady' is with 'a handicap guy that doesn't have much to offer'? or 'My question is should I be patient for the material things to line up in his life?' perhaps he should find someone better that isn't concerned with such shallow things.

 

[homwardbound]

Hi.

I've met my boyfriend at church. He is a true man of God, very sweet, and caring.

I've also desired a man who loves God like he does...but I'm only attracted to him for this very reason.

He got in an accident when he was younger, and he walks with a very bad limp. But also, he is 30 lives at home with mom in which they are both on the lease. He doesn't have a car and works part time at a college tutoring. I am 25, have a car, a degree, full time job I'm a go getter and I live at home too. So I have to pick him up for dates .... He pays for the date..He isn't the best looking guy, and I already know most people will think why is a pretty accomplished lady like myself with a handicap guy that doesnt have much to offer. I'm with him because the spiritual part is sooo important to me because I'm very spiritual and I dated guys that weren't and i couldn't connect. It is so hard to find a true Christian man. And I don't want to let him go for that reason. When I'm with him I feel so good, I don't think about the things he don't have. We always have a good time together. It is so peaceful in our relationship. This guy really loves me.

He also doesn't dress good. So it is like I've being to give him a makeover with new clothes, tell him to get a hair cut etc. He says he will provide a home for when we get married and he knows he has to get a better paying job to provide. He isn't very smart like doesn't know how to spell common words. Or know some basic vocabulary. And I feel bad at times because I'm always expressing something that bothers me. He really loves me and wants to do whatever to please me. I'm his first girlfriend, and most girls never gave him s chance because of his physical condition. He makes me feel special, very romantic, I know he willmake a good dad, spiritual leader in the home.

My question is should I be patient for the material things to line up in his life? Sometimes I feel like I'm too above him and I'm settling only because he is a nice Christian man, but everything else he lacks.

Thanks in advance for the advice.

Bottom line what does your Heart of God say and why are you rationalizing this because of what the world says? Are you trying to look good. Look are you not accepted in the beloved? God says you are
Ephesians 1:6To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved.
So after knowing this and knowing that you are and have been putting preresiquites on a relationship, are you really going and change him or accept him and discuss what you like and do not like with acceptance of how he feels actually thinks. Communication is of utmost importance and being honest to each other. I have been married for 30 years now and what is the most important thing that we have is honesty. When she makes dinner and I do not like it I tell her, not in a bad way as if I am the MAN, NO I am in a relationship. The problem I have seen in relationship is dishonesty not wanting to hurt anothers feelings. How ignorant this has become and has caused so much distrust in relationships, therefore this is not as been taught loving our neighbor as ourself, trying to spare the others feelings. therefore when you do tell the truth and that other gets mad at you for being Honest ask them So youwould rathertme lie? Yuo can always start with please do not take offense but I want to be honest. That does not always work but you know youare being Honest and Honoring God and truly loving your neighbor as Jesus ahs already Loved you
Hope this helps

 

[homwardbound]

What you need to understand is when you marry someone, you are marrying who they ARE, and you cannot ever marry someone for who you think they Could be, or who you think you can turn them into. It seems to me you are already trying to make him into what you want, changing his clothes, telling him to get his haircut. This is not a sign of a woman who will show submission in her marriage, you are the one in charge and bossing him around and trying to change him.
Chances are, if he isn't doing much now with himself, that won't change with marriage. So what you need to do is stop trying to change him and either learn to accept him, all of him, for who he is, flaws, bad clothes and haircut, and all. Or decide these things, and his lack of supporting himself is not worth it and move on. No one can tell you what you should do, these are your personal decisions. Just don't move forward with an attitude of making him different. If you marry him as he is, and he stays the same (most likely he will) all it will do is become a major problem in your marriage with you on his case about not working. It won't likely phase him, just make him sick of hearing you. Think it through.

For better or worse are you ready