NEED OPINION, am i asking for too much

[Zeza]

Too night i had an arguiment/fight with my husband about him coming back home at an appropriate time when he goes out.
My husband and i have been married 3 years now, almost 4. Right after graduating, i found out i was pregnant last year Dec. Since then i have been very concerned about what kind of family i want to race my baby in. My husband goes to school and works at the same time, while i just stay at home cause there is no job cause am "over qualified".
Anyway, tonight before he started getting ready to go out like every weekend, i asked him to come back at an appropriate time (not 4,5, or 6 in the morning) I told him that now he is a married man, and about to be a father, and he needs to start behaving as such. He got angry and told me that he goes to school and work all week long and now he can't even go out at weekends and comeback when he wants too? and than he said something like "lets get divorce and you can get an abortion, since u r still in time". Now i am thinking, did he say that out of anger, or its something he is been thinking about, since he said it.

I have been thinking that even though we are married, he is not really happy, and now that a baby is on the way, he feels like he is stuck. Since all the people he hangs out with are all single, i feel he wishes that he were too.My fear is that if he is behaving like this now that the baby is not here, he will do the same after the baby comes, and that's not what i want my family to be. I fear that he is not ready to grow up.

So my question to you people is, especially men, did i ask for too much? i only asked of him to be home by 3am, not not to go out at all. Guys, what do you think, i need your opinion.

I am currently under shock, and i am keeping my cool cause i don't know what to say or do. For all i know, as of tonight, my marriage might be over.

Even though i have decided to leave everything in the hands of the Lord since i am not in control, i just wanted to know other people's opinion, and know where i went wrong.

Thanks is advance for your opinion

 

[GOD_IS_LOVE]

Why don't you go out together?

 

[xJoe]

honestly hes being immature.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

If i was him i woulda been ticked off by the whole '' now that your a married man and about to be a father you need to start behaving as such'' comment.

 

[laurajean]

Is there anyone you and he would both trust to mediate, a relative, friend, pastor?

 

[dmdave17]

If i was him i woulda been ticked off by the whole '' now that your a married man and about to be a father you need to start behaving as such'' comment.

You shouldn't have been. In First Corinthians 13, verse 11, Paul wrote "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me."

As someone who has been married more than once, and treated my wives with a certain amount of disrespect, I can truthfully say that my life was not complete until I started truly "loving" my wife and putting her feelings first. In Ephesians 5, Paul advised "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,... In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself." (v.25 & 28)

Now, I don't believe that a young man will have the wisdom and maturity of someone as old as I am, but I do think that he is no longer a child. You have every right to expect a certain level of maturity from him. However, if you believe that he truly loves you and wants your marriage to survive, try speaking to him gently, in love, and praying for his eyes to be opened. If you have doubts, you can try the one thing that always terrified me when I was out running around.

Don't be there once when he comes home.

 

[SonOfAdam]

*Male, age 30*

I think you have the rigt to expect him to be there for you and the baby. He is just as much a part of making the child as you are and so he has the responsibility to it. We all selfishly desire our 'personal rights' but we are always slow to take up all the responsibilities that we have too.
It sounds to me like he is under a lot of stress and that should be considered when looking at his unreasonable statement about abortion and divorce. I do not know if he has been thinking about it or not, but if he is a Christian then he should know better than to tell you to murder your child.

Are you both Christians? If so then you need to remember it's not just a 2 way relationship, Jesus is right there between you two also. You should be looking at each other and seeing Christ in the other person.

If I may, I will share here a link to a series on Biblical marriage. This study helped me a lot when I was at fault in my last relationship and I hope it will be of value to both you and your husband.

SermonAudio.com - Marriage and Family Series

 

[BellaFlor]

If you have doubts, you can try the one thing that always terrified me when I was out running around.

Don't be there once when he comes home.

Yes! Go over to a friend's place, arrange a "girl weekend", so when he calls asking where you are you tell him; "I am hanging out with the girls, we are having lots of girl's fun! We even plan going for a trip for a whole week or so! But you won't miss me I am sure of, will you?" Lol! I like the idea, though.

Or you can just stay over at a friend's place the whole weekend, just enjoying yourself. I mean, if he never wants to come at a time you'd expect or want him comming at, then why should he expect always having you there at home whenever he comes back from going out?

I truly agree that this is a very immature way of your husband acting this way, and you didn't said anything wrong about his responsibilities. He should know better! Yet, if you said this in anger, the same he has probably done about the divorce and abortion part. We say so many silly things when we are angry, and much of it isn't the way we truly think ourselves. But in anger, it is so easy telling things that you know will hurt your partner.

Once married, he can't do everything the same way as he did before marrying. You are now two persons living together, both needs to come to an agreement about things one wishes to do, as well as it might not always be fitting doing everything either. As with me and my husband; My husband loves to go fishing, he did this a lot more times before we married. But after marrying he isn't going as much as he used to, still, it doesn't means that he doesn't enjoy anymore going fishing, but that he also wishes to spending some time with me, and asking me on beforehand if it is fine he goes fishing one time during the week. He also wishes to know if I think this as fine, most of the time I do see it as fine. Yet, I am happy that he wants to ask and include my opinion in this too.

You are supposed being a family, even though this would be only you and him together. One can't only do as one used to be doing earlier whilst being single, only thinking most of the time of themselves. Marriage is an commitment to one another; You do plans together, you talk through about things, you share opinions, you spend time together, you have no secrets hidden for each others, you pray together, spend time together in your growth in God, etc... You go together hand in hand in a battlefield in front of you put by God, your mission is growing stronger bonded tohether with one another as much growing stronger together in God. A man and a woman married together needs each others, they are strong in each different ways. But God had a plan in mind when He made us the way we are, as man and as woman. The devil has always tried making women get oppressed by men, making men thinking they are the weaker part. Making men beleive they are stronger, and not in need for the woman's help and guidance. Yet, in God's plan the man and woman are made for helping each others in their walks in God, and together they become stronger when walking in God. The devil knows that a strong knot together is very difficult to break apart, and he also knows that the man and woman needs each others, also knowing God has an divine plan with them both together.

For now I beleive you praying and being the good wife is the best solution to be doing right now, also to continue trusting in God coming with a strong breakthrough in your marriage, coming with a new change over your husband and marriage. Continue being strong in God, when you depend yourself most in Him you will be the strongest part, and God will come with His help in the right time, God is always in good control.

Dear Father,

I ask for your strong breakthrough to coming in this marriage, I ask for a new change to coming in her husband. May he see you a lot clearer, and understanding his responsibilities as a married man and as a soon "to-be" father. I ask for your Victory to come over this marriage and family, your Victory of love flaming over any demonical force trying to break this marriage apart. Your Love Always Wins! I ask for your mighty love divine to take place in this marriage, I ask for a more stronger and renewed love between this man and wife. May his wife become his total focuse after you God and his desire for making her happy. May he become less wanting of going out so much, but instead becoming more in want of spending more time with his beloved wife. I ask for a complete restoration of this marriage, and for their focuse together in you, Lord!

I ask this all in Jesus name, Amen!

 

[lordsservant121]

Too night i had an arguiment/fight with my husband about him coming back home at an appropriate time when he goes out.
My husband and i have been married 3 years now, almost 4. Right after graduating, i found out i was pregnant last year Dec. Since then i have been very concerned about what kind of family i want to race my baby in. My husband goes to school and works at the same time, while i just stay at home cause there is no job cause am "over qualified".
Anyway, tonight before he started getting ready to go out like every weekend, i asked him to come back at an appropriate time (not 4,5, or 6 in the morning) I told him that now he is a married man, and about to be a father, and he needs to start behaving as such. He got angry and told me that he goes to school and work all week long and now he can't even go out at weekends and comeback when he wants too? and than he said something like "lets get divorce and you can get an abortion, since u r still in time". Now i am thinking, did he say that out of anger, or its something he is been thinking about, since he said it.

I have been thinking that even though we are married, he is not really happy, and now that a baby is on the way, he feels like he is stuck. Since all the people he hangs out with are all single, i feel he wishes that he were too.My fear is that if he is behaving like this now that the baby is not here, he will do the same after the baby comes, and that's not what i want my family to be. I fear that he is not ready to grow up.

So my question to you people is, especially men, did i ask for too much? i only asked of him to be home by 3am, not not to go out at all. Guys, what do you think, i need your opinion.

I am currently under shock, and i am keeping my cool cause i don't know what to say or do. For all i know, as of tonight, my marriage might be over.

Even though i have decided to leave everything in the hands of the Lord since i am not in control, i just wanted to know other people's opinion, and know where i went wrong.

Thanks is advance for your opinion

Zeza it sounds like he might be a bit scared of the change that is coming his way. I know of two people that I have talked to recently that have said the same thing. They are married , both less than 5 years, both in school, both have new baby on the way but rather than being happy they are scared. They aren't sure if they can take care of themselves and a wife, let alone a child. They worry about so many thing, like most men do but they have no one to talk to. Most guys don't open up about what is bothering them and so when it comes time to talk they blow up and didn't mean to. I say give him time to cool down and think about what you said. He will need to talk when he gets home and then you can both speak your minds. I will pray for you and knowing that it is in GOD's hands will make it better. GOD bless.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Coming home at 4am or later is just plain irresponsible in my opinion. Maybe if he was single and didn't have a kid it would be ok, but definitely not when he's married with a kid.

 

[BellaFlor]

I think it is equal irresponsible if he is only married without a child as well coming home later than 3 am to his wife. Once married he should put his priorities a bit more different than whilst he was still being single.

 

[zeroturbulence]

I think it is equal irresponsible if he is only married without a child as well coming home later than 3 am to his wife. Once married he should put his priorities a bit more different than whilst he was still being single.

I agree. Especially with a pregnant wife! Ladies know what I'm talking about.

 

[BellaFlor]

Why does the wife always needs being pregnant in these cases? After God the husband needs to put his wife first as in priorities, this is the same as if she'd be not pregnant too.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Why does the wife always needs being pregnant in these cases? After God the husband needs to put his wife first as in priorities, this is the same as if she'd be not pregnant too.

Yes of course, but it goes double if she's pregnant.

 

[Seriously_Cool_Wife]

Step one...

"I know you like going out and you spend so much time working. However, it really hurts my feelings that you don't want to be with me sometimes and I'm worried you might not want to be with the baby much either. I don't want to fight over this, but can we talk? Is there something bothering you? Can I help fix this?" Make sure you listen if he shares anything, or also be prepared for him to walk away with it for a while. Then simply ask again,

"Can we talk about things now that you've had time to think about it? Because I'm really unhappy and I want a good relationship with you."

If things still can't be resolved, you might consider some counseling, because he won't change. You are the one on here asking for advice and seeking a change, he isn't, so I can't really address his being childish or immature or selfish, because that won't do any good...

Pray for him to yield to God and pray God help you, too, to help your husband love his home and his family. Even if he drops the ball and never does... at least you will have the faith and the growth to be the right person you should be.

but also, as some one that's been married 11 years and we had our rocky moments... it's not over just because of rash words once in a while... But, don't be afraid to set boundaries. One boundary I would do is tell him that talking about divorce and aborting the baby is really out of line and you cannot handle that. I wouldn't say anything else, just tell him how hurtful it was.

 

[wolfywolfs]

i can in a sense understand him flipping out he works all the time goes to school and about to have a child hes afraid hes not gona have any "me" time but u didnt say he couldnt go so i suggest talking to him again and see where your relationship stands i mean if he always wants to party at the weekend 24/7 then plan have a child. haveing a child comes with sacrifice

 

[Crabcake]

Zeza,

Are you both Christians? Do you attend church together on a regular or semi-regular basis? Do you attend Sunday school or Bible study together? My point is that "without God in your lives" the world will get in your marriage and tear you apart. You mention that you are home alot because of your jobless situation...do you attend midweek prayer and/or bible study? The way to battle the enemy is on your knees before GOD. You cannot make your husband change but God can. You cannot calm the fear in your husband's heart but God can. "You can do all things through God who strengthens you." Begin praying and stay in prayer.

Regarding his irrational and sinful outburst you need to seek pastoral counseling. If your husband will not go with you then go alone. Do NOT talk to your friends or family. Do NOT put anyone in your personal life. Talk to your PASTOR first. If he cannot help you he should be able to direct you to a Christian marriage counselor.

I will be praying for you and your family. Keep us posted. There is power in the fervent prayer of the righteous!

 

[LaraHugs]

"I told him that now he is a married man, and about to be a father, and he needs to start behaving as such. He got angry and told me that he goes to school and work all week long and now he can't even go out at weekends and comeback when he wants too? and than he said something like "lets get divorce and you can get an abortion, since u r still in time".

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Those are very harsh things to say to each other - from both ends. You telling him how he is suppose to behave is just as inappropriate as his response to you. A person doesn't normally get angry from just a simple sentence, so I have to logically assume that tones and attitudes were present to incite the reactions from each other. The first thing two people need to do when facing marital problems is to realize that one person isn't at fault, while the other is at fault. In order to come to a resolution, both parties have to realize their participation in the issue and how what you say and do, will cause a direct response or reaction from the other.

For example, when you gave us your testimony, it became clear to me that this is an on-going issue - naturally, you are going to be irritable when you address this concern with him because you are upset. Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't be upset, of course you should, I'm merely pointing out that you have a role in this situation that is equally involved in the creation of the issue. If you approach this with him with indignation, or accusation - then you HAVE to be aware that he response is indeed going to be one of defiance against you.

Again, I'm not saying you are wrong for how you feel, I'm trying to point out that in order to fix this problem, both of you have to be aware that each other is merely reacting to affects, without ever addressing the cause.

You cannot change a person, no matter how much love them and want them - a person can only change themselves because this is what they choose to do. So, what you need to do is to create the environment where he chooses to work it out with you by being proactive, rather than destructive.

Thus far, you present this to him as if he is at fault, as if he needs to do something to satisfy you and your desires. Whereas, what you should be doing is setting the tone that you are going to do right for yourself, respect yourself, treat yourself right and if he wants to be a part of that, then that is his choice.

Someone mentioned in here to go have a night out, and though I would agree with that in terms of treating yourself right, I believe the intentions were those of to make him angry, or piss him off, or make him pay in some way. And those motives are the exact opposite energy you want to be creating because what goes around comes around. And if you are doing something ugly, then ugliness will find you.

Live your life right for yourself. If you want to go to the movies, if you want to go to prayer meetings, if you want to go siteseeing - whatever it is that you need to do to live your life - go, and go because this adds quality to your life, go because this makes you happy. And don't plan it around him and his schedule, plan it around your schedule and your life.

Tell him this is who you are, this is what you enjoy in your life - if he wants to be a part of it, then he's welcome. If he doesnt' want to be a part of it, then don't come. Whatever his decision - you will live your life because you deserve to be happy.

When you do this, you will be creating the atmosphere of confidence and integrity for yourself, and he will begin to looks at you differently. He will realize that you are grown up, and if he wants to be a part of your life, then he better step up.

 

[P4CM4N]

Too night i had an arguiment/fight with my husband about him coming back home at an appropriate time when he goes out.
My husband and i have been married 3 years now, almost 4. Right after graduating, i found out i was pregnant last year Dec. Since then i have been very concerned about what kind of family i want to race my baby in. My husband goes to school and works at the same time, while i just stay at home cause there is no job cause am "over qualified".
Anyway, tonight before he started getting ready to go out like every weekend, i asked him to come back at an appropriate time (not 4,5, or 6 in the morning) I told him that now he is a married man, and about to be a father, and he needs to start behaving as such. He got angry and told me that he goes to school and work all week long and now he can't even go out at weekends and comeback when he wants too? and than he said something like "lets get divorce and you can get an abortion, since u r still in time". Now i am thinking, did he say that out of anger, or its something he is been thinking about, since he said it.

I have been thinking that even though we are married, he is not really happy, and now that a baby is on the way, he feels like he is stuck. Since all the people he hangs out with are all single, i feel he wishes that he were too.My fear is that if he is behaving like this now that the baby is not here, he will do the same after the baby comes, and that's not what i want my family to be. I fear that he is not ready to grow up.

So my question to you people is, especially men, did i ask for too much? i only asked of him to be home by 3am, not not to go out at all. Guys, what do you think, i need your opinion.

I am currently under shock, and i am keeping my cool cause i don't know what to say or do. For all i know, as of tonight, my marriage might be over.

Even though i have decided to leave everything in the hands of the Lord since i am not in control, i just wanted to know other people's opinion, and know where i went wrong.

Thanks is advance for your opinion

Theres nothing wrong with you asking him to come home around 3am at best or even better 1 am, im sure hes going thru somewhat of a midlife crises, loosing his "youth" ect....You need to talk to him about how you feel and tell him its not just him going thru changes, you out of both of you is going thru the most changes. I would recommend you guys find things to do together, like instead of him going out alone , you 2 go out on dates for the evening, or plan a day together.

 

[Stanelake]

No you are not askin for too much. BUT, we war not against flesh & blood. Your battle is won on your knees (alone at times) & you celebrate your victory out loud. let not your integrity be tempered with in the process.At times he is under stress and is afraid- just think of the time that you two fell in love. Was he not happy to be with you nad didnt he want to spend his life with you. Be courageous-