Need some advice

[AbidingInHim]

I’ve posted on this form before about my husband not adjusting to my conversion very well. He was very hostile in the beginning but over the last few years we’ve come to a few compromises. The past few days have been a struggle because he is now saying he doesn’t want me to be friends with my only true Christian friend because in the beginning of my conversion I opened up to her about my struggles in my marriage and personal things I shouldn’t of talked about. But at that time I really needed someone to talk to as I was new to my faith I needed encouragement. I apologized to my husband for it and i have never talked to her about any personal things about my marriage at all. He just says he doesn’t like her and doesn’t want me to associate with her at anymore. Do I have to submit to something so upsetting because my friendship with her is something I value. He’s forcing me into cutting my relationship off with her and if I don’t he threatened to take my children out of Christian school and forbid me to do devotions with them and take them to church anymore. He’s telling me I’m not faithful because I’m choosing a friendship over our marriage.
why does it have to be so hard being ..married to an unbeliever!

Do I submit to this?

 

[Deuteronomy]

Very sorry to hear about what you are facing in your marriage Praying for you........................ (and will hopefully return later to talk, Wednesday evening)

 

[Mem]

He’s telling me I’m not faithful because I’m choosing a friendship over our marriage.

And,
How would an unbeliever determine either what is or what is "not faithful"?

why does it have to be so hard being ..married to an unbeliever!

Do I submit to this?

Ephesians 5:22 directs wives to submit to their husbands as to the Lord.
However, it is preceded by verse 21's direction to 'submit to one another.'

So, while you should submit to your husband in everything (v. 24) so should your husband love you as he loves himself, and I'm fairly convinced that denying you communication with a dear friend falls short in that directive.

Ideally, though, you should be able to talk about your deepest concerns most intimately with him rather than her. Even if it is about 'man trouble' or 'women's problems' if you indeed have become one flesh.

 

[LenMcM]

I’ve posted on this form before about my husband not adjusting to my conversion very well. He was very hostile in the beginning but over the last few years we’ve come to a few compromises. The past few days have been a struggle because he is now saying he doesn’t want me to be friends with my only true Christian friend because in the beginning of my conversion I opened up to her about my struggles in my marriage and personal things I shouldn’t of talked about. But at that time I really needed someone to talk to as I was new to my faith I needed encouragement. I apologized to my husband for it and i have never talked to her about any personal things about my marriage at all. He just says he doesn’t like her and doesn’t want me to associate with her at anymore. Do I have to submit to something so upsetting because my friendship with her is something I value. He’s forcing me into cutting my relationship off with her and if I don’t he threatened to take my children out of Christian school and forbid me to do devotions with them and take them to church anymore. He’s telling me I’m not faithful because I’m choosing a friendship over our marriage.
why does it have to be so hard being ..married to an unbeliever!

Do I submit to this?

Yes, unfortunately for the present it is best to submit to your husbands demands however unreasonable they may be, so as to keep your marriage intact. Send a message to your friend explaining the situation and ask her for prayer support. It is then your duty to concentrate on winning your husband to the Lord. (You wont succeed if you disobey him). God Bless you. I will pray for you both.

 

[AbidingInHim]

This is difficult
she is my sister in Christ
For three years we have built a beautiful friendship which is based on our love for Christ. We edify eachother and I am a support for her in her struggles. She has a sick child who she doesn’t know how long he will live. We’re both busy mothers of three children and we don’t have many other friends.

It’s hard for me to accept I have to throw away this friendship because my husband just doesn’t like her.

I never talk about him or my personal issues with her now.
I did once two years ago when our marriage was going through a very rough time literally unbearable and I only had her to support me. Being a Godly woman she only gave me support and never talked bad about my husband. It’s the same thing as coming to this website for support. My husband doesn’t want me talking about anything to anyone. How does that make me feel so desperate and alone.
I sincerely apologized for telling her my trials and I promised not to talk about marriage issues with her again.. this was two years ago.
Since then our friendship just revolves around spiritual edification and I support her with what she’s going through with her child.

Then on Sunday we had the time change and I was rushed to go to church (only allowed go twice a month)
And my husband found out after I went to church and she was there so he said you were rushing out of the house to have your church date with your friend and he didn’t like feeling second place ( he wanted more time with me in the morning)
I said I’m sorry I’ll make sure I wake up early on my weekends to go to church so it doesn’t feel rushed. I tried to make peace and come to a resolution
But he just says he hates her and doesn’t care he wants her out of my life.
so now I have to end the friendship or he will “make my life a nightmare”
“turn the kids against me and Christianity”
“Take them out of Christian school” etc etc..

So really I am to submit to this?
Does God want believing wives to submit fully to their ungodly husbands in all ways save being lead into sin?

 

[blueluna5]

I’ve posted on this form before about my husband not adjusting to my conversion very well. He was very hostile in the beginning but over the last few years we’ve come to a few compromises. The past few days have been a struggle because he is now saying he doesn’t want me to be friends with my only true Christian friend because in the beginning of my conversion I opened up to her about my struggles in my marriage and personal things I shouldn’t of talked about. But at that time I really needed someone to talk to as I was new to my faith I needed encouragement. I apologized to my husband for it and i have never talked to her about any personal things about my marriage at all. He just says he doesn’t like her and doesn’t want me to associate with her at anymore. Do I have to submit to something so upsetting because my friendship with her is something I value. He’s forcing me into cutting my relationship off with her and if I don’t he threatened to take my children out of Christian school and forbid me to do devotions with them and take them to church anymore. He’s telling me I’m not faithful because I’m choosing a friendship over our marriage.
why does it have to be so hard being ..married to an unbeliever!

Do I submit to this?

He sounds super fun. Since you're already unequally yoked these things are probably going to come up often. Its sorta your fault to gossiping about your husband too.

My husband would never say any of that to me so it's hard to relate in that way. He definitely had friends of mine he thought were weird or didn't like. As long as I didn't make him hang out with them it was fine. I say that bc it doesn't sound like something somebody who loves you would say.

But me personally if my husband would say that....I would ditch the friend. Friends come and go, but a spouse is your heart.

 

[SunshineGirl]

I’ve posted on this form before about my husband not adjusting to my conversion very well. He was very hostile in the beginning but over the last few years we’ve come to a few compromises. The past few days have been a struggle because he is now saying he doesn’t want me to be friends with my only true Christian friend because in the beginning of my conversion I opened up to her about my struggles in my marriage and personal things I shouldn’t of talked about. But at that time I really needed someone to talk to as I was new to my faith I needed encouragement. I apologized to my husband for it and i have never talked to her about any personal things about my marriage at all. He just says he doesn’t like her and doesn’t want me to associate with her at anymore. Do I have to submit to something so upsetting because my friendship with her is something I value. He’s forcing me into cutting my relationship off with her and if I don’t he threatened to take my children out of Christian school and forbid me to do devotions with them and take them to church anymore. He’s telling me I’m not faithful because I’m choosing a friendship over our marriage.
why does it have to be so hard being ..married to an unbeliever!

Do I submit to this?

Sorry to hear you are having some problems in your marriage.
I can see why your husband is upset but you should be allowed to have friends. For your husband to say if you don't stop talking to your friend he will pull your children out of Christian school is very childish. His hangup is with you not your children.
I pray you and your husband can forgive what has been said in the past, learn from it and move forward together 🥰

 

[LenMcM]

This is difficult
she is my sister in Christ
For three years we have built a beautiful friendship which is based on our love for Christ. We edify eachother and I am a support for her in her struggles. She has a sick child who she doesn’t know how long he will live. We’re both busy mothers of three children and we don’t have many other friends.

It’s hard for me to accept I have to throw away this friendship because my husband just doesn’t like her.

I never talk about him or my personal issues with her now.
I did once two years ago when our marriage was going through a very rough time literally unbearable and I only had her to support me. Being a Godly woman she only gave me support and never talked bad about my husband. It’s the same thing as coming to this website for support. My husband doesn’t want me talking about anything to anyone. How does that make me feel so desperate and alone.
I sincerely apologized for telling her my trials and I promised not to talk about marriage issues with her again.. this was two years ago.
Since then our friendship just revolves around spiritual edification and I support her with what she’s going through with her child.

Then on Sunday we had the time change and I was rushed to go to church (only allowed go twice a month)
And my husband found out after I went to church and she was there so he said you were rushing out of the house to have your church date with your friend and he didn’t like feeling second place ( he wanted more time with me in the morning)
I said I’m sorry I’ll make sure I wake up early on my weekends to go to church so it doesn’t feel rushed. I tried to make peace and come to a resolution
But he just says he hates her and doesn’t care he wants her out of my life.
so now I have to end the friendship or he will “make my life a nightmare”
“turn the kids against me and Christianity”
“Take them out of Christian school” etc etc..

So really I am to submit to this?
Does God want believing wives to submit fully to their ungodly husbands in all ways save being lead into sin?

I sympathise with your unenviable situation, but this issue is not so much about obeying your husband as it is about obeying God. I believe God is testing your love for Him and your willingness to obey Him. Remember Abraham was asked to sacrifice his son. He showed his obedience and love and so was rewarded. If we obey God in all things , then all will work out right in the end. I pray God will give you the strength and courage to do what is right. God Bless you. I will continue to pray for you, your husband & your friend.

 

[AbidingInHim]

I sympathise with your unenviable situation, but this issue is not so much about obeying your husband as it is about obeying God. I believe God is testing your love for Him and your willingness to obey Him. Remember Abraham was asked to sacrifice his son. He showed his obedience and love and so was rewarded. If we obey God in all things , then all will work out right in the end. I pray God will give you the strength and courage to do what is right. God Bless you. I will continue to pray for you, your husband & your friend.

Wow such wisdom here …thank you for your prayers

I know my heart is not in the right place,
I just want Him saved so we can have a happy Christian home serving the Lord together
I know God is teaching me a lesson here about where my heart really is.
Im praying for His salvation out of selfish ambitions

It’s just really really hard loving Him unconditionally when he says hurtful things like he can’t stand who I am now and I’m a boring person his life has no excitement

Basically he says these things because I don’t listen to the same music anymore or have drinks on the weekends like I used to. I can’t stand watching the shows I used to like. I don’t find crude jokes funny anymore. Like all of the trashy things about me before are dead now and I’m a new creation I admit that I’m a totally changed person in those respects.
but those are all bad qualities why does he miss those things, it’s frustrating…

It’s been about three years since I have been born again
We’ve been together 15years.
I need to refocus on the good changes that have happened and learn to be more patient.
My Children being in Christian school is a huge blessing and I’m grateful that he is allowing it.

I apologized to my husband last night we talked for a few hours
I made him feel like I’m choosing a friendship over our marriage because I was protesting to give it up.
After he said I don’t have to stop talking to her but he doesn’t want to hear her name or have my kids get close to her kids
Like basically have my friendship distant from our family life in all ways except me talking to her through text

I am respecting that and agreeing to those terms.

 

[Snackersmom]

Wow such wisdom here …thank you for your prayers

I know my heart is not in the right place,
I just want Him saved so we can have a happy Christian home serving the Lord together
I know God is teaching me a lesson here about where my heart really is.
Im praying for His salvation out of selfish ambitions

It’s just really really hard loving Him unconditionally when he says hurtful things like he can’t stand who I am now and I’m a boring person his life has no excitement

Basically he says these things because I don’t listen to the same music anymore or have drinks on the weekends like I used to. I can’t stand watching the shows I used to like. I don’t find crude jokes funny anymore. Like all of the trashy things about me before are dead now and I’m a new creation I admit that I’m a totally changed person in those respects.
but those are all bad qualities why does he miss those things, it’s frustrating…

It’s been about three years since I have been born again
We’ve been together 15years.
I need to refocus on the good changes that have happened and learn to be more patient.
My Children being in Christian school is a huge blessing and I’m grateful that he is allowing it.

I apologized to my husband last night we talked for a few hours
I made him feel like I’m choosing a friendship over our marriage because I was protesting to give it up.
After he said I don’t have to stop talking to her but he doesn’t want to hear her name or have my kids get close to her kids
Like basically have my friendship distant from our family life in all ways except me talking to her through text

I am respecting that and agreeing to those terms.

Hi Abiding, I'm really sorry for what you're going through. But what you had to say up there^^^ was really good. This verse came to mind, you probably already know it but figured I'd post it anyway:

1 Peter 3 1&2 1Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your husbands, so that even if they refuse to believe the word, they will be won over without words by the behavior of their wives 2when they see your pure and reverent demeanor.

Also, I couldn't help but notice that your husband seems to be fighting hard to keep you, which is actually really sweet. I mean, he's going about it like a moose playing rugby on an escalator, but still....it might be the only way he knows how. Maybe the reassurance you gave him was really what he was needing..... maybe he senses you slipping away from him emotionally and he's scared because he doesn't want to lose you. Now that you have Jesus you probably don't "need" him as much.... but he doesn't have Jesus and you're all he's got. As long as he's pleased to dwell with you then he is yours and it's fine and even proper to give him all the love a Godly husband would be due. And maybe y'all can find some compromises on fun dates or things you could do together that he would enjoy and you would feel comfortable with. I believe in you, and I am rooting for yall! <3

 

[LenMcM]

Wow such wisdom here …thank you for your prayers

I know my heart is not in the right place,
I just want Him saved so we can have a happy Christian home serving the Lord together
I know God is teaching me a lesson here about where my heart really is.
Im praying for His salvation out of selfish ambitions

It’s just really really hard loving Him unconditionally when he says hurtful things like he can’t stand who I am now and I’m a boring person his life has no excitement

Basically he says these things because I don’t listen to the same music anymore or have drinks on the weekends like I used to. I can’t stand watching the shows I used to like. I don’t find crude jokes funny anymore. Like all of the trashy things about me before are dead now and I’m a new creation I admit that I’m a totally changed person in those respects.
but those are all bad qualities why does he miss those things, it’s frustrating…

It’s been about three years since I have been born again
We’ve been together 15years.
I need to refocus on the good changes that have happened and learn to be more patient.
My Children being in Christian school is a huge blessing and I’m grateful that he is allowing it.

I apologized to my husband last night we talked for a few hours
I made him feel like I’m choosing a friendship over our marriage because I was protesting to give it up.
After he said I don’t have to stop talking to her but he doesn’t want to hear her name or have my kids get close to her kids
Like basically have my friendship distant from our family life in all ways except me talking to her through text
-
I am respecting that and agreeing to those terms.

Good news Abiding; Appears things are getting a little better. - Always think about the change which will take place in your husband once he is converted. - "Snackersmom" gave some very good advice re finding some fun thing you can do together. Surely there is something you can both enjoy together. Or perhaps you could suggest spending a couple of days away together, just the two of you. Get someone to mind the kids. You need to show your love to him as well as your Christian witness. Stay true to God and your husband, continue in prayer and God

Wow such wisdom here …thank you for your prayers

I know my heart is not in the right place,
I just want Him saved so we can have a happy Christian home serving the Lord together
I know God is teaching me a lesson here about where my heart really is.
Im praying for His salvation out of selfish ambitions

It’s just really really hard loving Him unconditionally when he says hurtful things like he can’t stand who I am now and I’m a boring person his life has no excitement

Basically he says these things because I don’t listen to the same music anymore or have drinks on the weekends like I used to. I can’t stand watching the shows I used to like. I don’t find crude jokes funny anymore. Like all of the trashy things about me before are dead now and I’m a new creation I admit that I’m a totally changed person in those respects.
but those are all bad qualities why does he miss those things, it’s frustrating…

It’s been about three years since I have been born again
We’ve been together 15years.
I need to refocus on the good changes that have happened and learn to be more patient.
My Children being in Christian school is a huge blessing and I’m grateful that he is allowing it.

I apologized to my husband last night we talked for a few hours
I made him feel like I’m choosing a friendship over our marriage because I was protesting to give it up.
After he said I don’t have to stop talking to her but he doesn’t want to hear her name or have my kids get close to her kids
Like basically have my friendship distant from our family life in all ways except me talking to her through text

I am respecting that and agreeing to those terms.

Hi Abiding, That is good news, appears that things are starting to improve a little. You need to always think about how wonderful your husband will be when he is converted. "Snackermom" gave some very good advice re "fun dates". There must still be some things you can both enjoy together. Maybe suggest to him that you have a couple of days away together , just the two of you. Get someone to mind the kids. You need to show him love, as well as your Christian witness and prayer. God will do the rest.

 

[AbidingInHim]

LenMcM and Snackermom
I appreciate the kind words, encouragement and advice.
I know we as believers will have to endure trails during our Christian walk
There is a lot to be grateful for I’m sure it could be much worse …many couples are unequally yolked unfortunately.
My desire is to be in Gods perfect will for my life. My circumstances are difficult but I have to remember God uses trails to refine us and bring us closer to Him.

Gods design for marriage is so counter cultural and we’re bombarded with so much egalitarian ideologies it’s a battle we have to face day in and day out.

I really just have to refocus my thoughts on submission to my husband as to my Lord and Saviour

 

[GaryA]

His hangup is with you not your children.

His hangup is with God.

To me, it seems very clear.

AbidingInHim - don't ever forget this.

The Holy Spirit is trying to convict your husband - so that he will humble himself and come to Christ.

Be the Christian you are led to be - the "example" for your husband to see - and, let the Holy Spirit work...

I just want Him saved so we can have a happy Christian home serving the Lord together

Your husband's salvation is the goal - do not forget it for even one second.

Make any reasonable sacrifice you have to to gain your husband in Christ.

Then - you get your wish - the two of you may then work together to serve the Lord together.

Oh, what a blessing that will be! (Both of you on the same side instead of opposing sides.)

You will still have challenges - but, if you are on the same side together, it has to be better.

Above all - hold fast to your faith. Trust in God. Be ever-believing that He will work things out.

Basically he says these things because I don’t listen to the same music anymore or have drinks on the weekends like I used to. I can’t stand watching the shows I used to like. I don’t find crude jokes funny anymore. Like all of the trashy things about me before are dead now and I’m a new creation I admit that I’m a totally changed person in those respects.

This is wonderful!

but those are all bad qualities why does he miss those things, it’s frustrating…

He misses those things because he is still conditioned to thinking that they are what 'life' is all about.

In the quiet silence of observation - without saying a word - let him see that you are content and happy (even happier) without those things.

I need to refocus on the good changes that have happened and learn to be more patient.

Yes - bide your time - trust in God - be in constant remembrance about what is "good" and "working" - as difficult as it may seem to be right now, do not let yourself "drift" from your husband - "rekindle" your relationship.

My Children being in Christian school is a huge blessing and I’m grateful that he is allowing it.

For the sake of your children - do not forget how important it is to preserve this!

I am respecting that and agreeing to those terms.

For now it may be necessary - whatever you do - show respect to your husband and do not break your agreement.

I am glad that your situation has improved a little already since you started this thread.

I will pray for you, your husband, and your children.

 

[AbidingInHim]

His hangup is with God.

To me, it seems very clear.

AbidingInHim - don't ever forget this.

The Holy Spirit is trying to convict your husband - so that he will humble himself and come to Christ.

Be the Christian you are led to be - the "example" for your husband to see - and, let the Holy Spirit work...


Your husband's salvation is the goal - do not forget it for even one second.

Make any reasonable sacrifice you have to to gain your husband in Christ.

Then - you get your wish - the two of you may then work together to serve the Lord together.

Oh, what a blessing that will be! (Both of you on the same side instead of opposing sides.)

You will still have challenges - but, if you are on the same side together, it has to be better.

Above all - hold fast to your faith. Trust in God. Be ever-believing that He will work things out.


This is wonderful!


He misses those things because he is still conditioned to thinking that they are what 'life' is all about.

In the quiet silence of observation - without saying a word - let him see that you are content and happy (even happier) without those things.


Yes - bide your time - trust in God - be in constant remembrance about what is "good" and "working" - as difficult as it may seem to be right now, do not let yourself "drift" from your husband - "rekindle" your relationship.


For the sake of your children - do not forget how important it is to preserve this!


For now it may be necessary - whatever you do - show respect to your husband and do not break your agreement.

I am glad that your situation has improved a little already since you started this thread.

I will pray for you, your husband, and your children.

Wow thank you for the response I appreciate your encouragement and of course your prayers.

I know the Lord is faithful and I just need to trust in Him and His timing.

I realize my task now is to work on myself in full subjection and obeying what the Lord wants from Me for now and leave the rest to God.

 

[Karlon]

I’ve posted on this form before about my husband not adjusting to my conversion very well. He was very hostile in the beginning but over the last few years we’ve come to a few compromises. The past few days have been a struggle because he is now saying he doesn’t want me to be friends with my only true Christian friend because in the beginning of my conversion I opened up to her about my struggles in my marriage and personal things I shouldn’t of talked about. But at that time I really needed someone to talk to as I was new to my faith I needed encouragement. I apologized to my husband for it and i have never talked to her about any personal things about my marriage at all. He just says he doesn’t like her and doesn’t want me to associate with her at anymore. Do I have to submit to something so upsetting because my friendship with her is something I value. He’s forcing me into cutting my relationship off with her and if I don’t he threatened to take my children out of Christian school and forbid me to do devotions with them and take them to church anymore. He’s telling me I’m not faithful because I’m choosing a friendship over our marriage.
why does it have to be so hard being ..married to an unbeliever!

Do I submit to this?

this clearly, is a control issue with him. anyone can tell. he has no right to tell you who to social with. suggesting not to social around with someone is alright as long as it is backed with Christian advice & proper reason. get pro help now! the longer you wait, the more he'll think of ways to get his way.