I have a desperate prayer request. My Mom died almost 6 months ago and it is still a deep, deep wound!!!
I feel like I've drifted a lot from the Lord. It's not that I've begun participating in some outward sin, I just feel distant with the Lord and I dont want to.
I'm seeing a Christisn counselor and I will admit I am sure I have sone underlying anger at God, but the thing is, I dont want to feel this way. I can't seem to have that closeness with the Lord. I fear all the time, He'll get tired of me and leave!!! It really is a fear!!! I know the Lord promised He'd never leave or forsake us but I feel I am drifting and I dont want too. I keep crying out. How can I mourn my Mom naturally but be restored to the Lord.its what I really want!!! Please pray for me !!! I want to come home!!!
Grief is a never-ending rollercoaster but the hills and turns will get less extreme. Like any rollercoaster, you are locked in and once it has started, you have no choice but to ride it out. If the coaster stops in mid-flip, there is a problem. Not to confuse seasons of slower progress but to become stuck in a stage of grief can be dangerous.
What you are experiencing is normal and sometimes it is important to feel the emotion and ride it out.
Understand that this is a season of mourning, the feeling of distance, fear, or drifting away is only a feeling and not as you have said the reality of God's Word. If you mentally know that God has not forsaken you then it is simply an emotional and very likely a spiritual attack of Satan as well.
What was the one tactic that Satan used on Eve? Did God really say not to eat of this tree? He sowed doubt which produced fruit of distrust in God's Word.
Sometimes despite feelings, we must hold onto the truth of God's Word. Knowing versus feeling is powerful. You know that God is with you is way better than depending on feelings that come and go.
As one who had suffered anxiety and depression, it would be futile to depend on how I felt as an indicator of where God is at.
There was once a season that felt like the wilderness silence when Moses fled Egypt. We only hear God speak at the moment of the burning bush. That was years of silence but God showed Moses that He is sovereign and was with him the whole time. He reminded him the very ground he stood on in the presence of God was now holy ground.
As Christians, God's Spirit lives in us, we need not search for Him as He is closer than our own heartbeat. When Elijah felt distant and collapsed in fear and depression, God responded by giving him rest.
If God is closer than a heartbeat, it may be just a time to rest in Him. Rest in knowing He is with you, that this a normal response to grief, that you are loved, and despite the shifting sands of emotion, God's foundation never shifts. Rest on the solid ground that will withstand the storms and seasons of hardship. Jesus rested in the boat as His disciples thought the storm was going to destroy them. This same Jesus, the same Spirit lives in us. The same God who can calm the storm can calm the soul within. Jesus told His disciples, we will leave from point A to arrive at point B. If Jesus said, that is what will come. No storm, demon, or the biggest army in the world could stop the arrival at point B.
In this season, you need not worry about where you want to be, but simply rest in where you are now. The Lord is with you right now, don't worry about the waves or the search for the shoreline, you are in the best place at this moment if you see what is most important. The man resting in the boat or the fear of those around Him. Will you take solace in Him or let your surroundings pull you away?
Grief is a never-ending rollercoaster but the hills and turns will get less extreme. Every minute, of every day is progress and it is okay to be okay that progress may feel slow. Better to feel and rest with grief now than to bottle it up and let it eat you alive for years to come.
God has not forsaken you. Trust His Word which holds true no matter our feelings.
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