Negative People

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iraasuup

Guest
#1
#1
We've all met them. Those people who are just so negative about EVERYTHING!

I have a close friend who is like this, and has become moreso of late. I'm finding it hard to love her as a friend when she is so negative all the time, but I know she has her own issues she is struggling with and really needs my friendship, but I must admit, at times I just find her painful to be around, and sometimes her outlandish comments just make me angry. At times I wish I just didn't have to deal with her, and I'm finding it very hard to love and value her as a true friend.

So, my question is, how do you handle those negative people in your lives? The people who simply cannot find anything good or positive to say about any situation. Have you encountered them in your life? What suggestions do you have for loving these people, or not letting them drag you down and make your life miserable?

I'd love to hear any suggestions.
 
I

iraasuup

Guest
#2
#2
Oh, and to clarify. Her negativity is to the point where she's just depressing to be around, and I feel like I constantly have to bring up the 'positives' in a situation, almost like I'm defending the thing we're talking about. It's ridiculous. She's also overpowering to the point where it's nearly impossible to get a word in when she's expressing her opinion, and when you do say something, she's like 'yeah but'... and then goes on about how my positive spin on it is negative because of bla bla bla reason. It's infuriating and I'm finding her very difficult to handle. She talks over the top of you, and is very loud. I don't know if it's an attention thing, but it comes across as though she doesnt want anyone else to have any opinion on the subject at hand, especially if its a positive comment. She has to do all the talking all the time.

I don't understand this behaviour.
 
T

TyphaniNichole

Guest
#3
#3
hurt people will hurt other people thats their way of expressing their feelings is by being negative
which it isnt right, but they can be delivered from it
 
B

BrittanyJones

Guest
#4
#4
I so can relate! I feel this great weight being around so much negativity. I just can't take it.


Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. 32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Philipipans 4
 
M

Mooky

Guest
#5
#5
How you deal with her behaviour would be largely dependant on wether or not she adheres to the christian faith or not, I would say.
If she is not a christian, then you can only be there for her and pray for her, but you might have to try to understand that as someone who doesn't share your hope in the most wonderful, life giving promises of the bible, she might not have a whole lot to be positive about.

Obviously this behaviour is draining and life sapping (I have met similar people) and it is wise to limit the time you spend with her and focus on relationships where there is more mutuality.

If she is a christian, she might need a combination of encouragement, prayer and a BIG kick up her southern hemisphere!
Miserable christians are miserable often because they are being self focused and ungrateful for all the marvellous things God has done and continues to do their lives.They should be encouraged to take their eyes off their problems (everyone has challenges) and find ways to serve God and others.Doing this brings lasting joy and an awareness of those less fortunate than them.

Lastly, friendship isn't always tit for tat - ie. sometimes as friends we have to be there for our friends even when they are behaving badly, without expecting anything in return, but I geuss you have to decide how close you are going to be/ remain to her if she begins to affect your mental/emotional health.She may have a mental health problem for which she should seek professional treatment.
 
C

CC_Bride

Guest
#6
#6
I hate to say it but the only way to love her biblically is to gently rebuke her behaviour and attitude and refuse to be on the receiving end of it afterwards. You need to sit her down and demand some solid listening from her part and explain how her behaviour is making YOU feel. If you say "you you you" too much she'll get very defensive and feel like shes being attacked. So relate her behaviour to how its impacting you negatively.

At the moment, by being around her and reinforcing a one sided friendship is telling her that what she is saying (or doing) is ok, when it clearly is not to you. Build some healthy boundaries with her, and tell her you will end the conversation or hanging out if she reverts to such antics. She'll kick up a fuss of course and say that you're not being "loving" or "christian", but reassert that you do love her and would help her with genuine negative feelings that she wants to work on not just rant about and she will come around. If not, she has got a hard lesson to learn - alone.

When you go to talk with her ask the Holy Spirit to give you the words and to help you be calm but firm.

Good luck & God Bless.
 
LightningClap0002

LightningClap0002

Senior Member
#7
Feb 10, 2008
3,371
16
38
#7
CC_Bride said:
I hate to say it but the only way to love her biblically is to gently rebuke her behaviour and attitude and refuse to be on the receiving end of it afterwards. You need to sit her down and demand some solid listening from her part and explain how her behaviour is making YOU feel. If you say "you you you" too much she'll get very defensive and feel like shes being attacked. So relate her behaviour to how its impacting you negatively.
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Unfortunately, I have to disagree with this suggestion on two counts.
1) Making it about YOU often makes it come off as selfish and unkind. It has to be about HER. That said, you do have to be very tactful if you are going to try and address this. Depending on how close your relationship is with her, you might simply be unable to do so yourself.

2) Making it about feelings is a pitfall. It also pushes the conversation towards selfishness. Most people won't change for some one. Really, most people can't change for some one.

In my experience, the most tactful way to address an issue like this is as a team (though not necessarily all at once), with other friends of hers who share your opinion. First make sure she is aware of her negativitiy; maybe she's intentionally being negative, maybe she doesn't really realize it. Second make her aware that it isn't beneficial to her, or others around her. Third, show and tell her a better way.

Still not a guarantee that things will improve. As people have already stated, depending on whether she has christ in her heart or not could greatly affect things.

EDIT: And pray! Without appearing distant and uninterested, whenever she becomes negative, intentionally say a prayer for her and for yourself. I find, personally, that acknowledging God often raises my spirit.
 
I

iraasuup

Guest
#8
#8
Interesting replies, guys, thanks.

A little more info for you. She is a Christian and is very involved in ministry and teaches childrens church, does missions work, volunteers for ministry organisations, I know she loves the Lord.

The problem I think stems from her past. She was sexually abused when she was younger, and then got very ill. She was very lucky survive when illness struck, and now she has slight, permanent brain injury which affects some of her congnitive abilities. She is no longer able to work, and has to depend on a disability payment to live, and has many other physical issues as a result.

This happened to her in her twenties, so obviously she feels like she got a crummy deal, and she did! She suffers a little from depression too as a result of all of this. When I first noticed her negativity, it was usually more about her life, and how it sucked, and how she couldnt do the things she wanted to do etc. (and I can understand her frustration), but it has slowly morphed into just a general negativity about life and everything in it. We could talk about ANYTHING, and she'll have something negative to say about it. It's depressing!

My struggle is that I don't want to abandon her, as I know she struggles with loneliness. She has just turned 40 and has physical conditions one her age should never have, and is single and is generally unwell. I want to be there for her as a friend, but I'm finding it hard to support her. She never seems to want to look at the positives in life, but rather seems intent on focusing on the crummy things.

It makes me want to scream. I mean, I'm going through a pretty crummy time myself right now, and I could use some support too, and she is not at all edifying or uplifting to be around.

I don't want to talk to her and tell her my feelings, as I know she already has low self esteem, and thinks the world hates her, so I don't think she'd take it well... but I don't know what else to do? I can't ignore her. Do I limit my time with her? What if she starts asking why? What if I GENUINELY have no reason why I can't spend time with her when she asks, I can't make excuses...It's a dilemma!
 
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iraasuup

Guest
#9
#9
The thing is, I know she deeply values her friendships. Today she dropped around and brought me a gift, just because she thought I'd like it, and I do. It was a beautiful, and thoughtful gesture. But she was here maybe half an hour and the conversation was one big negative depress-a-thon! How do I handle this?
 
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Mooky

Guest
#10
#10
The first thing I would ask is : have you confronted her about her behaviour?Is she aware of the effect she has on you, or are you enabling her negativity by allowing her to get away with it?

I you haven't, perhaps its time to start setting some boundaries.I don't mean an ultimatum, but she needs to know that it is not ok to be negative and complain all the time and that that is not what friendship is about.Friends share goods things too.

Even though she appreciates your friendship, she may need to see a counsellor or psychologist, given that she is prone to depression.(Depression isn't called the,"black dog", for no reason - people who have it are "hounded", by a black cloud of negativity chronically.)

Also, seeing that you have tried to encourage her and try to show her the positive side to things, and that hasn't worked , you need to communicate your feelings to her in a firm but loving way, reassuring her that you do care for her but that you find this relationship to be unhealthy/unproductive.

I highly recommend taking some time out from this friendship (a bit like a marital separation) and seeing her on the proviso that when you do meet, you will be there for MUTUAL support and edification.
It may sound a bit tough, but no one is benefitting from the current state of affairs - you are being worn out, and she is not growing up.
She may not understand it at first, but may thank you in time and come to respect you for putting limits on what you will tolerate or she will forget you and move on to the next person who will be willing to listen to her.
 
LightningClap0002

LightningClap0002

Senior Member
#11
Feb 10, 2008
3,371
16
38
#11
Mooky said:
The first thing I would ask is : have you confronted her about her behaviour?Is she aware of the effect she has on you, or are you enabling her negativity by allowing her to get away with it?

I you haven't, perhaps its time to start setting some boundaries.I don't mean an ultimatum, but she needs to know that it is not ok to be negative and complain all the time and that that is not what friendship is about.Friends share goods things too.

Even though she appreciates your friendship, she may need to see a counsellor or psychologist, given that she is prone to depression.(Depression isn't called the,"black dog", for no reason - people who have it are "hounded", by a black cloud of negativity chronically.)

Also, seeing that you have tried to encourage her and try to show her the positive side to things, and that hasn't worked , you need to communicate your feelings to her in a firm but loving way, reassuring her that you do care for her but that you find this relationship to be unhealthy/unproductive.

I highly recommend taking some time out from this friendship (a bit like a marital separation) and seeing her on the proviso that when you do meet, you will be there for MUTUAL support and edification.
It may sound a bit tough, but no one is benefitting from the current state of affairs - you are being worn out, and she is not growing up.
She may not understand it at first, but may thank you in time and come to respect you for putting limits on what you will tolerate or she will forget you and move on to the next person who will be willing to listen to her.
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Personally, if I were on the receiving side of this, I would be insulted. It would seem as though you are treating me like a child. adding even more to it, the age difference would make it seem out right insulting. Thr approach may be useful when dealing with a child or severly mentally challenged adult, but not a peer, and definitely not a friend.
 
M

mori

Guest
#12
#12
iraasuup said:
So, my question is, how do you handle those negative people in your lives? The people who simply cannot find anything good or positive to say about any situation. Have you encountered them in your life? What suggestions do you have for loving these people, or not letting them drag you down and make your life miserable?
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For a decade I dropped polite hints to two members of my family-in-law about their negative behavior. For most people, this is enough; most mature people will understand you've gone out on a limb, which means it must be pretty bad. A lot of people aren't really aware what percentage of their conversation is complaint. Merely shining a light on it can help them out tremendously.

There are others, of course, that know they're negative. They know they bring others down. They have not fixed it. Any person with the least bit of self-control can stop harming others by simply shutting up. The fact that they keep talking is all you need to know. They have the ability to protect you from themselves but do not exercise it. They need you like an abusive husband needs a wife.

Life is far too short and full of people for half measures. If an adult reaches a certain age and has not learned how to play, it's not your job to take care of them and you can't anyway. It's not abandonment - it's taking your hand out of the coals. It's not about blame - it's recognizing that sacrificing your own mental health hasn't worked.

This is harsh, I know, but you're in an unhealthy, codependent relationship. It might be helpful to observe successful drug abuse interventions and compare it to your situation. The only real difference is that the chemicals she's taking don't need to be injected.

"Being a negative person" is the single most common and acceptable form of psychological abuse. There are valid ways to suffer and get help without bringing everyone else down. Mostly, they involve shutting up and listening to people who can help.
 
eugenius

eugenius

Senior Member
#13
Jul 17, 2009
491
9
18
#13
Certain people had so much pain in their life they find it hard to trust or like anyone. I don't know your friend or if this applies to her, but often these people just need love because nobody (or very few people) ever gave them any. I am generally a very cynical and angry person, precisely for that reason.
 
B

ButterflyPrincess

Guest
#14
#14
I think we always should be thankful for what we've been given, cause frankly we don't deserve it and sometimes we take it for granted. And sometimes we let situations and people affect us. We shouldn't be affected by our situation/people around us, we should be stable always and shine and be happy and enjoy what we're doing wheater the situation is good or not. Be thankful always. Your attitude towards life dertermines your level of altitude.
 
L

Lucy68

Senior Member
#15
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
0
#15
Maybe you could approach it in a different way...like you need HER help.

Tell her something like : 'I'm really going through I hard time right now and having a problem with seeing only the bad things....as my friend would you be willing to help ME see past these things and count my blessings.

Go in through the back door, so to speak :)

In order to help you, she'd have to start looking on the bright side too....maybe :)
 
S

Strong1

Guest
#16
#16
:) It's possible that the very purpose of your relationship right now is to minister to her hurt.
Tell her the truth always, and in great love. Give her lots of hugs. When she's negative, love on her till she can't stand it, and basically never give up on her. Christ wouldn't give up on us. :)
Your task is great! Will you pass successfully through this journey of your life? Take it as a trial. They come to strengthen you. through ministering to her, angels will minister to you!
god bless.
 
LightningClap0002

LightningClap0002

Senior Member
#17
Feb 10, 2008
3,371
16
38
#17
The second greatest commandment (see below):
Love your neighbor - Be patient with her.
Love your neighbor - Don't seek your own happiness or desire your own "feelings" over hers.
Love your neighbor - Don't keep track of how often she brings you down.(i think women struggle with this more than men :p)
Love your neighbor - Seek to protect her from her own negativity. Seek to help her see God's goodness in EVERYTHING.
Love your neighbor - Never give up hope. Despair is the opposite of love. Never give up on her.

Love never fails.

Pray for her, pray for yourself! If she truly is as strong of a christian as she appears, then guide her through the Word. God IS the greatest positive force ever. In the beginning, everything was Good. In the end, everything will be Good. The devil seeks to hide that goodness from all of us, but it is still there. It will be up to her and God to really take what is known (God's word) and apply it to her life. If she is aware of her negativity, if she is aware that God wants her to ALWAYS HOPE, then I think you have done as much as any regular human can do. Maybe God will lead her to a psychiatrist, maybe God will reach down and flip a switch in her mind, maybe God will do nothing. For your part, once you have taken a few basic steps, all you can do is love her. Might I even suggest that you look to others for support when she wears on you? I'm sure that I am not alone in saying that I would willingly support you in any way I can. The weak turn to the strong for support. We all have been weak at some point, I'm sure we all will be at some time to come; God is strongest, but I certainly won't deny the power of a fellow human being available for support. Don't look to the weak for support. Look to the strong, and use their strength to help continue to give strength to the weak.

---

Excerpt from Matthew 22

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”...And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

-----

Excerpt from 1 Corinthians 13

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.
 
J

Jordache

Guest
#18
#18
First, have you tried to "side" with her? I don't mean become her negative counterpart. But when she says something validate her feelings. Second, tell her kindly and straightforwardly how her negativity affects you. Thirdly, next time she says something negative drop everything and pray with her. Negative people are usually hopeless people.
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#19
Aug 2, 2009
24,709
4,350
113
#19
iraasuup said:
Oh, and to clarify. Her negativity is to the point where she's just depressing to be around, and I feel like I constantly have to bring up the 'positives' in a situation, almost like I'm defending the thing we're talking about. It's ridiculous. She's also overpowering to the point where it's nearly impossible to get a word in when she's expressing her opinion, and when you do say something, she's like 'yeah but'... and then goes on about how my positive spin on it is negative because of bla bla bla reason. It's infuriating and I'm finding her very difficult to handle. She talks over the top of you, and is very loud. I don't know if it's an attention thing, but it comes across as though she doesnt want anyone else to have any opinion on the subject at hand, especially if its a positive comment. She has to do all the talking all the time.

I don't understand this behaviour.
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Its sounds like its time to distance yourself from her Katie. Maybe she will get the message when she realizes that no one wants to be around her anymore.

And if you have to, tell her straight up, "I just can't take your negativity anymore. Its driving me crazy." Or something to that effect.
 
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Jenesis

Guest
#20
#20
Your friend sounds EXACTLY like how I was. The Lord most graciously delivered me from my negativity. I think you should try to dig a little deeper because negative people aren't negative for no good reason. I know from my own personal experience as a cynical person, that I became that way because of hurts and brokenness which had formed into bitterness and it was that bitterness that fed that negativity. Perhaps you should probe further into your friend's life and try to find the reason why she is negative. I bet it's because she's hurt. Nobody wants to be someone that people avoid and I think that if you do cut her off, that will just make her more negative and reinforce her need to be negative. I know it's hard... it was hard for me being me and having to live with my negativity 24/7 as I hated it but I just couldn't seem to think of anything positively and it was spiritually murdering me. I see merits in distancing yourself because that may wake her up. But it really depends on the person doesn't it. Distancing yourself could make her worse and reinforce her negativity. What woke me up was this sentence that I read in a book that the Lord placed in my hand. It practically changed me overnight. It said:

"Negativity pushes people away. Most people steer clear of those who are consistently downbeat, negative or cynical. This leaves us isolated or lonely. It causes us to feel even more worthless. Sadly it also distances us from those we need most"

If you have some spare cash and you want to help her, I really recommend the book that helped me which is called "The Wounded Woman" by Dr Steve Stephens and Pam Vredevelt. It's a Christian book and it is an excellent tool to help someone who is broken.
 
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