I have been there and still struggle with it.
Many a time I have asked God to kill me.
Many a time I have thought if I kill myself then God will take care of my family.
My wife and 4 kids.
It is selfish but it's the reality of a person who struggles with mental health issues.
I have struggled with it now for 30 years.
I'm talking severe anxiety, so bad that I have to drag my sorry ass out of bed.
The thing is I cannot seek help for it.
The reason being is that it wasn't a gradual process.
Sat in church one day, in the service then all of a sudden it was like my stomach was ripped apart then a million butterflies were inserted and stomach sown up.
I can't go to a doctor and know when asked "When did it start"
I'm a genuine beliver I can't say "In church, one minute no anxiety then I want to die"
I have been in your shoes, I attempted suicide three times the last week of 1977. The situation was different, but the feeling I had were the same. I was told by my wife on Christmas Eve no less, that she wanted a divorce, as we were about to go to my Mom and Dad's house, after only SIX months of marriage. She told me "You can not earn enough money to buy me what I want in life. I want a divorce." I hit bottom HARD, and I felt like I was a complete failure! I kept spiraling downward, into deep, deep depression. I did not want to face another day, and I did not care if I hurt my parents or my brother, or sister. I JUST DID NOT WANT TO LIVE TO SEE ANOTHER DAY.
The first two attempts was with a pistol, trigger half pulled, when an OVERWHELMING TERROR came over me. WAY BEYOND what a man with a knife to my throat could EVER MAKE ME FEEL. IT WAS A TERROR THAT I WAS ABOUT ABOUT TO WALK INTO HADES/HELL OF MY OWN ACCORD. First time the pistol fell on the bed, and the second time it fell to the floor, and I have no idea why it did not go off on that Second time, the day after the first try. Third time was two days later, I got as drunk as I could, then when out to a dirt road on my motorcycle, where I had seen them pouring the loss gravel that afternoon. I wanted to arrange a fatal accident, and I am very ashamed that TAUNTED God on that mile of lose gravel. I left my helmet at home on purpose, I hit the mile with the throttle wide open, Taunting GOD, "If you want me, you can take me any where you want me on this mile!" I could not believe it, the bike did not wobble as if I was riding on pavement, but it was VERY LOOSE GRAVEL.
I went slowly home, and sat up thinking about it, and sobering up. About 5:00 AM, when the attempt was about 1:30 AM, I was walking into my bedroom, when I realized, "I CANNOT RIDE A MOTORCYCLE LIKE THAT, EVEN IF I HAD BEEN SOBER!" I realize that God must have reached down and grabbed that bike, as if to say, "No you don't, I have a plan for your life!" Waive after waive of deep grief washed over me, for an hour or more. Not just for attempting suicide but for my entire life style. I was weeping like a baby as I said, "Forgive me, forgive me! If you have a purpose for my life, you have to come into my life and run it, I can't do it! I am making a complete mess of my life." I meant that prayer with my entire being, and NO ONE EVER TAUGHT ME TO PRAY LIKE THAT BEFORE.
Yes there is more, but Did HE COME IN? Oh boy, did HE! To make a long story short, I TRUSTED HIM WITH MY WHOLE BEING, and through a number of minor miracles, HE moved us (my second wife) from Nebraska to California. I had NO IDEA why California, but HE eventually used me to start a PRISON MINISTRY, in the end-of-the-LINE Prison, where the baddest of all the Inmates were housed. HE OPENED the doors, when I did not even have a single hour of Bible College. HE USED ME FOR 9.5 years there, and then we moved, and I got involved in the second highest level of super max Prison in California, for another 5.5 years. HE DID IT ALL through me.
Depression is VERY, VERY REAL. Whether it be Psychological Depression, or Medical Depression. Some time Depression can be caused by an imbalance of body chemistry, psychological emotions, an adverse reaction to medications, stress, and even a parasite infection. BUT IT IS VERY, VERY REAL. And needs to be treated, not ignored. Had you ever been tested for a Parasite Infection.
I will be praying for you, Bill.
