Not sure if marriage was right for us.....

[MitchMitch]

Hi guys, my wife and I met last year, I was single with a few female friends so was she, we eventually hooked up and I focused all of my attention on her and reeeaaaalllly started liking this her lol she seemed to be into me the same. Prior to meeting her we both prayed for mates, I specifically told God that I would not mess around anymore & would live right. So I stopped and got serious with God.
Eventually after much thought, prayer and counseling my then girlfriend and I decided to marry so we'd do things right and yes we felt madly in love, and as though we'd work well & make each other better. Neither of us had been married before but she does have a child from an old relationship.
I'm starting to feel...well I'm beyond that now I feel like we made a huge mistake now. We used to fight and argue over little things but they have become worse now and the problem evolves around her child.
I love her child to death. The baby calls me dad already and I act like such because the father isn't in the picture right now. I do absolutely any and everything that I possibly can but When it comes to discipline my wife and I still can not agree. Now I feel somewhat hurt because Ive kept my commitment to my wife and to God, and now it seems for nothing because instead of a peaceful home it's complete chaos at times. My wife's moody, then I get moody, the little one is screaming at the top of its lungs when the word 'No' is in forced, then my wife thinks I'm a cruel father etc etc. I believe in respect, I believe in training children and teaching our babies what is right, what is Godly....they won't be perfect (I know) but they also shouldn't be let loose to act, say or do whatever he/she pleases. But not only am I somewhat of an authoritarian I am an extremely loving father. This child loves me, I mean has really become attached to me and I absolutely love it, and just as much do I have to teach what's right & wrong and establish order in wanting the Spirit of God to live there.
Before we married we would talk countless hours about what our beliefs are, what we'd expect from one another, and raising a family as one. We've sat in counseling and discussed it so I was really under the impression that we were BOTH on the same page, needless to say we are NOT!
It just shows me that we have two total different mind sets in raising a family.
It frightens the krap out of me because, I'm looking at the long run; years from now...so I feel like its best we go our seperate ways so that she won't have the issue out of me in the way I see is best for success of my family.
This seems petty I know but this is becoming very painful for me, so please if nothing say a prayer

 

[kenisyes]

God is trying to make you into one flesh. Disagreeing is normal; thinking you should split up is not the answer. From now on, every problem is a joint problem, you her and God. You were on the same page, and now you have gone farther in the book of real life, just get back on the same page again. God intends for this disagreement, and the compromise that will come of it. Give it a chance, you will be surprised how He turns this into deeper, real love over the years.

 

[hope36523]

Your in my prayors god intended mariage to be forever,its for better or worse,rich or poor to death do you part i know about mariage a little,my hubby and i been married 7 yrs and it hasn't been easy my old man has a gambleing addiction an alchohal addiction he didn't have when we married,but i know its for better or worse and i got to pray for him,and i too have kids from a previous mariage,his anger has gotten in the way of me and my boys there dad took them my husband and i have 2 kids tigether he has a son from a previous mariage who is an awesome kid,and our mariage is for the worses right now but i believe gids gona take awa that addiction and god will help your mariage to just believe.you are in my prayors

 

[MissCris]

Quite aside from the marriage itself, think about the child who loves you and calls you dad. Imagine what it would do to the child to simply walk away. If you want to be this kid's father, stay with the mother and find a way to work it out.

I truly do feel for you on this; you'll be in my prayers.

 

[yac11]

You made a commitment to God and to your wife which included that child. I know where your coming from. You didn't exactly sign up for the behavior your wife is exhibiting now. But think.....it could be so much worse. She could be ill, or severely depressed or a number of other things. Though this sounds like she's a bit selfish and could of pulled the wool over your eyes, it's not fair. Life is not fair. Some of us know how hard it is to be married to someone like this but if you truly love God. Then show him how much by being the best husband you can be and giving her the love that Christ gave you.

This might be a test, and you want to pass it. I passed a test that God gave me. At the time I didn't see it as a test, but I do now and I am so happy that it was easy to pass, because I chose to God and unless I hear God tell me it's ok to just give up, I won't.

Blessings and I know you will follow God's lead and not your own.

 

[santuzza]

Suck it up and work it out. Every marriage goes through growing pains. You two need to pray about this TOGETHER.

Divorce has become far too easy in our society. God hates divorce. Work it out.

 

[Lucy68]

I really do think children need to know what 'no' means and it's actually a relief to them when someone who loves them WILL tell them no. It makes them feel loved and safe...unconsciously of course...because they'll kick and scream at the word 'no', yet at the same time, feel safe. It's a good feeling to know someone is protecting you, even from yourself.

This is where you need to be the spiritual leader of your family. It's hard, so be prepared. Grow in your knowledge of the Lord and He will tell you what you need to know. Both your wife and 'her' child need your guidance and your leading. Stay in God's Word but also use other resources....Focus on the Family has great resources for marriage and child-rearing. The child is yours also,now, so don't let your wife try to get out of that when it suits her. You're either ALWAYS the child's father or not at all. Since your married, you are now, the child's father. And he/she needs you in their life.

Christian marriage counseling can really help! Especially in defining wife/husband roles in marriage.

Believe me, you are not alone in the conflict of raising children. Money and the discipline of the children are probably the biggest stressors on a marriage.

Praying for you...wisdom and guidance.

 

[Share55]

I totally agree with Lucy and with you in the 'no' word as long as if there is discipline it is not hitting or spanking 'freely'. Sometimes you read a person's problem but they don't provide all the info so one just guesses at it.
I have grandchildren who were very disrespectful and when asked to babysit I told my son and his wife that whatever they were willing to put up with is their business but when the children grow up and are hated they can point the finger at them and that my son should get a back bone and put his foot down and demand the children learn respect but in the meantime I was not willing to be treated disrespectfully. I told them and the children and turned a deaf ear when the children 'told on me'.
It is natural for a parent to worry about abuse of a new parent to their child from another. Step-parenting is very hard. did you read Hansel and Gretel? LoL or Snow White?

I always tell my sons not to give into arguments. Let the other scream, cry, throw tantrums, whatever turns their fancy. If you are abusing their child they will report you if not then the fruit of your labour should show through the child who will come to love and respect your for having the love enough to put borderlines in for their good and safety.

Pray all works out and God bless the family <3

 

[Hungry]

Mitchmitch, you are the leader of that family. To be an effective leader sometimes you need to emotionally disengage. It takes practice but if you allow yourself to be driven by your emotions your outcomes will be erratic. It's easy to be in a good mood when everything is going good. The trick is still being in a good mood when your world is caving in. Believe it or not your devine purpose is not to be happy. It is to follow God where He leads you. He may lead you by still waters, He may lead you though the valley of the shadow of death. He doesn't promise happiness He promises peace. Peace comes when we know we are in His care. We trust if He led us in, He will lead us through. Now about the parenting, here's some tips. First, kids will fight like hell until they know what their boundaries are. If the boundaries change from day to day, place to place their behavior will continue to challenge where it lies. If temper tantrums move that boundary, they will tantrum. If persistent bugging works they will bug. If mom says yes and dad says no they will cause a power struggle. In all honesty they are strategic geniuses and should not be underestimated. You don't have to explain everything to the child it becomes exhausting. State the rule and the consequence, no exceptions. Really! No exceptions. You have to establish a trust bond. If I say it I will do it. Then they know who the boss is. Let the punishment fit the crime. Nothing more nothing less. If you want a peaceful home, plan an evening with your wife and lovingly, introduce yourself as the leader. No need to be overbearing but be authoritative. Discuss your hopes and dreams for your family. Take back the love and respect of you wife. How is this done? You reprimand them. Don't let your wife get away with being disrespectful to you or undermining your authority. Not in an angry way, more like a boss having words with a worker. When you cherish your wife and define yourself as a righteous leader she will let you lead. May God guide your steps as you heed His calling as the leader of this home. Lastly, for the sake of all things good, DO NOT WATCH PORN. (this may have been meant for you, or someone else reading this, but I was urged by the Spirit to include it)

 

[Jordache]

You do have to be the man, but you also have to realize that you have to do the right thing for yourself before you demand it from your wife. You need to love her like Christ loved the church before you demand her respect. Be prepared to explain what that looks like. Also, put it down on paper. List top 5 behaviors that need to be addressed in child. Both of you throw out an idea. Compromise.
Don't give in. Hold your boundary with that child. If you put in time out for 2 mins and she keeps getting up before 2 mins, then she'll sit for 2 mins solid even if it takes her 45 mind to get there. Explain good choices and bad choices. Teach him/her to make amends. If he/she's verbal then teach them to say sorry. If not then teach to hug or kiss for a sorry. Make sure the child has an appropriate amount of control/choice in life...foods, dress, activities, etc

 

[Mammachickadee]

Who would be less inconvenienced by a divorce? Your wife? You are more than just a bed warmer, paycheck, and babysitter to her. You? You don't know it now but you will always love your wife regardless of how the marriage might end... and her daughter too. That little girl? What right would you have to be a PARENT to her after a divorce when very easily her mother could manipulate a little girl's memory in the future. By filing for divorce you would be abandoning your family in more ways than one. Before God, that would be very wrong. Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God that He might exalt you in do time... casting all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.

 

[zaoman32]

You say you're not on the same page...get on the same page. You BOTH need to be willing to compromise. You seem very concrete in your ways, which in some respects is a good thing, but not all. You're married, you need to be husband and wife, you need to be on the same page together even if that takes you compromising. Talk about it and make a deal, you give a little, she gives a little, go from there.

Do not consider divorce as an option just because you disagree. You're married, you're going to be together for a while, you're going to get sick of each other and fight, that's no reason to give up. Be a man, get a spine, and resolve yourself to raise a family, not run from one.

I can tell you from first hand experience, divorce will kill you. I had every right and reason to get divorced when I did and it still tore everything up inside of me. My hope was gone, my spirit was dead, and I was just a complete train wreck. It didn't last for a day, or a week, or even a month. It's been over a year and I've only just recently began to pick myself up. Do yourself a favor and don't do it. Hang on tight and don't let go.

 

[tiffanystx]

Sit down and talk about it, and I agree to be prepared. Remind her of what you agreed to previous to marriage as far as how to raise children and find out why she is having difficulty adhering to this. Parenting the right way takes a lot of work; maybe she's just exhausted. Maybe it's about her own childhood. You never know until you really communicate.
Regardless, if the marriage is to survive, you will both need to have a very frank conversation about this sooner than later...of course, with as much kindness and understanding as possible.

 

[ChrisG]

Gosh how refreshing to know that as humans we all have failings. I have reconciled myself with God. I now know that i will fail many times. But God knows my heart as he knows yours.
You are on a journey with your wife between now and happiness. It is a short Journey and God and us are with you.