umm, aspirational means, the car isn't big enough, we need a bigger one, we need an indoor pool, I need to get a promotion, we need to move to a better neighbourhood, I only have 12 pairs of shoes, this is why I bought more etc etc.
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and this is a conversation a guy had with a blind date, I came across his rant on YouTube and according the to comments on YouTube, its quite common
Her at the restaurant; That car you driving, do you own it outright or are you paying it off?
Him: ?? Changes subject to the new park downtown
Her later: Those clothes your wearing, are they your best clothes or do you always dress casual?
Him: Uggh, no these are my regular clothes
Her later: So your an electrician and own the business, it must pay well to be in that industry?
Him: Goodbye, I wasn't aware this was a job interview
Her at the restaurant; That car you driving, do you own it outright or are you paying it off?
Him: ?? Changes subject to the new park downtown
Her later: Those clothes your wearing, are they your best clothes or do you always dress casual?
Him: Uggh, no these are my regular clothes
Her later: So your an electrician and own the business, it must pay well to be in that industry?
Him: Goodbye, I wasn't aware this was a job interview
That is not aspirational. That is materialistic. You are saying that you don't want to be judged by what you own. That is fair. No one does. You may not know this but women also get measured by their possessions. My friend shows me online posts that say things like, "Must be fit, slim, in great health, financially comfortable and independent, and able to pay own way", or " Looking for attractive, fit woman who likes to cook and looks good doing it. Must be at a good financial place in life. Having own car is a must". Women feel pressured to stay looking like they are in their 20s, and if any health problems develop it is game over. Now they have to prove that they won't in any way be a burden.
There are many men out searching for women with their own houses and good pensions. The saying is that the 50+ male crowd are often looking for a "nurse or a purse". Women also have to watch for romance scammers.
I think everyone just wants to be loved for themselves. It is scary for everyone. Yes there are selfish people of both sexes out there, but there are also beautiful hearts that love the Lord, care about others, and are sincere. I believe that we need to lift each other up and abandon the battle of the sexes. We are His and need to treat each other with respect. Bless you.
I think the elephant in the room in Christian dating is faith is not enough. Few people are being scrutinized through religious lenses or set aside for doctrinal issues. The majority of Christian connections (and relationships) fail for reasons outside of God.
And what many are yearning to hear is they’re worth it. Worthy of the discomfort, disappointments, and idiosyncrasies. Our worst isn’t offensive because grace is bigger than fear and personal preferences.
But truth is many layered. We’d have to acknowledge our unwillingness to dole out the same in the measure we seek. If we honestly saw one another with love in the forefron;, there’d be less complaints and loneliness. The fragrant fruits we encounter in one another would bridge the gaps and uncertainty.
Lack isn’t what hinders us. We’re our biggest stumbling block because flesh is at the helm. Not Him.
~princesse
And what many are yearning to hear is they’re worth it. Worthy of the discomfort, disappointments, and idiosyncrasies. Our worst isn’t offensive because grace is bigger than fear and personal preferences.
But truth is many layered. We’d have to acknowledge our unwillingness to dole out the same in the measure we seek. If we honestly saw one another with love in the forefron;, there’d be less complaints and loneliness. The fragrant fruits we encounter in one another would bridge the gaps and uncertainty.
Lack isn’t what hinders us. We’re our biggest stumbling block because flesh is at the helm. Not Him.
~princesse
P
Phenom1960
Guest
I agree with you 100%! I run across this all the time even on 'Christian' dating sites.
I state in my profile that I am seeking a woman that has the same attraction to me as I have for her.
What I am attracted to is this: not too skinny but not obviously overweight either. I want a woman who is between 5'5" to 6'1" tall due to the fact that I am 6'1" tall. Her age can be any age up to 69 (I'm almost 60 myself) but I have to draw the line at a woman who still wants to have children because I'm fixed. So realistically, a woman in her 40's would be more appealing to me. I also do not have an ethnic preference, so women who are of Caribbean descent, Latinos, black, American Indian, and taller Asian women can appeal to who I find attractive. First and foremost above all else is that they have a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ, His Son.
When I am on non Christian sites such as Plenty Of Fish, what I keep running across on there are women who say that they want a 'God fearing man.' I ask them to define that term as I have found that a man who is not a strong believer as I am is not what they are looking for. Being 'unequally yoked' also applies to Christian believers. My ex-wife was Mennonite and towards the end of our marriage I discovered that she held different views and beliefs about scripture than what she had told me when we decided to me married. Those differences became points of contention with her. (See what proverbs says about living with a contentious woman.)
The bottom line is that both need to be spiritually compatible.
Also, material possessions are irrelevant and is especially true with the older we get because some of what we accumulate will be duplicated by what the other person has. No one should use material possessions or lack of them for the basis of whether or not you want a relationship with that person.
For years, my ex-wife harped about me having a minimum wage job when we first met (after we had been married for several years) and made the statement that if she had thought about it she would not have considered marrying me! (At the time I was a self-employed Computer Technician and charging up to $100.00 an hour for my services.)
There is only One you need to be pleasing to and that is God! Let Him have control in all things and He will bring someone to you that you will be fully compatible with!
Just a small meditation on the issue of weight. None of this is directed at you Phenom.
We talk about what attracts us to someone. What is more important is to how ingrained our attitudes are to when our loved ones change. When I worked in hospital I heard many heart broken spouses whose loved ones were wasting away. The person was skinny but it meant death was near. Some would hold their loved ones and beg them to eat one spoonful to stave off the end. I had another whose wife needed meds. that made her heavy, but were essential for her survival. Her husband left because he said he couldn't feel anything for her with the change in her appearance. Did you know that chemo. causes weight gain? As Christians, we need to love, regardless of physical changes. You may meet someone who is physically attractive but is your love/commitment the sort that is for better or worse? That is a mark of our love and faith. No one knows what a day brings. An accident can have someone lose a limb or a head injury can change their abilities to function as they did before. Who are we as Christians? A pastor I know talked about people marrying for beauty and having to live with character. These are a few thoughts. I pray meaningful relationships with a depth of commitment for all who have that as their heart's desire.
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Phenom1960
Guest
I agree!
Sadly, changes do take place in our bodies and as married couples there needs to be acceptance of this fact. I am aware of too many instances where one spouse left because they no longer had any attraction to the person they married. We're supposed to love no matter what!
I found out recently that an old flame had passed away. I knew she had gained weight (a result of excessive alcohol abuse) and her hair color had changed from black to grey, but I found I didn't love her any less!
Sadly, changes do take place in our bodies and as married couples there needs to be acceptance of this fact. I am aware of too many instances where one spouse left because they no longer had any attraction to the person they married. We're supposed to love no matter what!
I found out recently that an old flame had passed away. I knew she had gained weight (a result of excessive alcohol abuse) and her hair color had changed from black to grey, but I found I didn't love her any less!
It's my first time that I am going to date someone online. I am glad I read the amazing information that you have shared. I guess this really gonna help me.
R
Ruby123
Guest
I currently have a profile looking for a Christian Husband for some time now. I get a lot of emails, but most don't even read my profile. Or they profess to be Christian but don't know anything about the Bible. Or one, he said he was a believer but was Muslim and hid that until way far into the communications until I was blunt about it, obviously that is not a follower of Christ. Too bad, I liked him too. But I'm not changing religions.
I specifically say seeking equally yoked Christian. Most don't know what that term means. That in itself tells you they arent. LOL
Then the one's that do know the term, say they are devout, but in their profile, they don't mention anything about Christ or state they are looking for a Christian woman, they just say things like looking for a good time. I'd laugh, but it's not funny.
Then there are the foreigners who say they live in Los Angeles, all different nationalities, but they just live in LA county and do not want to disclose that or their real city. And on top of it, can't speak English. Then there are the ones who don't have a phone, or a cell phone. And they have these terrible connection internet phones which is so bad you couldnt understand them even if they did speak English. I know those are all scammers. And the list goes on. it's pathetic. And sites like Christian Cafe is horrible. I'd say Christian in name only.
And I am not the only one, like they say, the churches are full of women and the bars are full of men. It seems to be a world wide phenomenon.
I specifically say seeking equally yoked Christian. Most don't know what that term means. That in itself tells you they arent. LOL
Then the one's that do know the term, say they are devout, but in their profile, they don't mention anything about Christ or state they are looking for a Christian woman, they just say things like looking for a good time. I'd laugh, but it's not funny.
Then there are the foreigners who say they live in Los Angeles, all different nationalities, but they just live in LA county and do not want to disclose that or their real city. And on top of it, can't speak English. Then there are the ones who don't have a phone, or a cell phone. And they have these terrible connection internet phones which is so bad you couldnt understand them even if they did speak English. I know those are all scammers. And the list goes on. it's pathetic. And sites like Christian Cafe is horrible. I'd say Christian in name only.
And I am not the only one, like they say, the churches are full of women and the bars are full of men. It seems to be a world wide phenomenon.
Oh, and I live in Riverside CA, a population of about 300k. And all the local men on the ads I see, look like thugs. And I talked to 3, they eventually told me on the phone, they were newly released convicts living in a halfway house. But I was not interested romantically in anyway, regardless of their past.
I did meet one briefly a couple of years ago, I was not going to meet him originally, I liked talking to him on the phone, enough, but was not motivated to meet him. Because I was not interested. But then he told me on the phone that his heater broke down in conversation, in his apartment, and his rent was really cheap, and didnt want to bother the landlord. It was winter and particually extra cold during that time. And I just so happened to have a fancy remote controlled expensive portable heater that I did not need and I was looking for someone needy to give to. And I knew he was the one when I heard his story. He turned out to be just 4 miles away, so I met him at a CVS parking lot and gave it to him. It was still in the box and he was impressed and excited. I was glad to help him. But when meeting it just confirmed I was just simply not interested in him in any way.
Unfortunately, I am not exaggerating in the least on these stories.
I did meet one briefly a couple of years ago, I was not going to meet him originally, I liked talking to him on the phone, enough, but was not motivated to meet him. Because I was not interested. But then he told me on the phone that his heater broke down in conversation, in his apartment, and his rent was really cheap, and didnt want to bother the landlord. It was winter and particually extra cold during that time. And I just so happened to have a fancy remote controlled expensive portable heater that I did not need and I was looking for someone needy to give to. And I knew he was the one when I heard his story. He turned out to be just 4 miles away, so I met him at a CVS parking lot and gave it to him. It was still in the box and he was impressed and excited. I was glad to help him. But when meeting it just confirmed I was just simply not interested in him in any way.
Unfortunately, I am not exaggerating in the least on these stories.
While I haven't yet done online dating, I have decided that if I ever do my profile will have enough teasers in it ( picture of me petting tiger, comments about travels, maybe my dog, comments about faith, etc) that there will be plenty of potential specific follow up / tell me more questions for an interested party to ask. Then I will feel perfectly justified in not responding to any generic " hi I like your profile" messages that show zero evidence of having read my profile. So my only advice would be if a guy can't tell you what he likes about your profile (other than the picture is female) then he's not worth opening communications with. But like I said, zero real world experience because I don't want it enough to be bothered doing the work.
That last sentence sums up my whole dating life.
The rest of the post made a line from an old song float through my head, a song my sister used to listen to a lot.
"I just wanna know if you
Can kick some game
Tell me something more clever
Than just your name"
See,
The intentional hook up is not ever going to work...it never has before in the entirety of human history. The book of Proverbs has little snippets talking about women looking for men...with dire warnings and cautions.
But nevermind using the formula that is known not to work... keep using it and expect a different result.
There are worse things than being alone...and being isolated with a tormenter that knows everything about you is one.
What is so wrong with just looking for friends? People to do stuff with and talk with. People who you like. Having dinner parties/potluck with for an evening of adult conversation and laughs. (I mean instead of children)
No expectations for a relationship that would be forced anyway because you simply don't know each other well enough. It's ok to be flirty fun so long as the flirty is lighthearted and not dirty/perverted/sexual.
And really watch and get to know people that can be great friends. That was my formula that worked fairly well. I wasn't ever "on the hunt" and the relationships I had were all friendships. And the very few times I requested to have an even closer relationship with a woman...it was always taken very serious and considered studiously...I never got rejected out of hand, laughed at or something equally disparaging.
I made hundreds of friends...still have many of them. Occasionally we still talk but they know that I'm happily married and they don't want to disrupt my marriage.
But I did see many people go through the fruitless persuit of intentionally joining dating sites and get heartbroken and used for schemes countless times. It's still a great way to make money by creating dating sites. Even though they have a lousy long term track record. Short term? Good...but long term they are horrible.
(At least for Christians)
The intentional hook up is not ever going to work...it never has before in the entirety of human history. The book of Proverbs has little snippets talking about women looking for men...with dire warnings and cautions.
But nevermind using the formula that is known not to work... keep using it and expect a different result.
There are worse things than being alone...and being isolated with a tormenter that knows everything about you is one.
What is so wrong with just looking for friends? People to do stuff with and talk with. People who you like. Having dinner parties/potluck with for an evening of adult conversation and laughs. (I mean instead of children)
No expectations for a relationship that would be forced anyway because you simply don't know each other well enough. It's ok to be flirty fun so long as the flirty is lighthearted and not dirty/perverted/sexual.
And really watch and get to know people that can be great friends. That was my formula that worked fairly well. I wasn't ever "on the hunt" and the relationships I had were all friendships. And the very few times I requested to have an even closer relationship with a woman...it was always taken very serious and considered studiously...I never got rejected out of hand, laughed at or something equally disparaging.
I made hundreds of friends...still have many of them. Occasionally we still talk but they know that I'm happily married and they don't want to disrupt my marriage.
But I did see many people go through the fruitless persuit of intentionally joining dating sites and get heartbroken and used for schemes countless times. It's still a great way to make money by creating dating sites. Even though they have a lousy long term track record. Short term? Good...but long term they are horrible.
(At least for Christians)
That's absolutely true. I was married to a dangerous man for 17 years. I never thought it would happen to me. Never again.
But what I wanted to contribute to this thread is ... I tried online dating just once. About 2 years ago. I wasn't actively looking for a spouse. Just folks to talk to. I made sure my profile clearly stated that I am a Christian.
So I met a very nice man who lived only about an hour away. We immediately began chatting like teenagers. But it came to a screeching halt when I made it clear I had no intention of jumping into bed with him. He was astounded! But I've been down that disasterous road before, and now I am determined to follow God's will for my life. The guy actually took it well, and we agreed to end it before wasting anymore time. I closed my account because I realized that wasn't the right place for me.