Only the real me

[Ellie]

I don't mean to be so shy. Don't mean to sit in the corner and cry. I want to be seen and I want to speak up and I wish I could share what I know and my love.
I don't mean to be so outspoken. Don't mean to be careless and selfish and loud. My opinions are strong and I just can't hold on and I meant to respect you, I
just lost control.
I don't mean to be so guarded. Don't mean to disappear into myself. I'm ever so lonely and want to live life and don't understand why I sabotage opportunities to participate.

I'm working on a very important project. I'm working out what I like and dislike, want and don't want, believe and don't believe. I'm doing this without letting anyone telling me what to like and what to think, and it's the trickiest thing I've ever had to do. I'm starting with small things like choosing a dvd to watch and a novel to read - all by myself, keeping my opinions and thoughts true to myself by not allowing the voices in my memory of the opinions of others to have any impact on my decisions about my preferences.

I'm also trying to get better at meeting people and having friends, without feeling sorry for myself if people don't happen to like me. As far as introducing myself it's a hard balance to have the integrity to be real (meaning any resulting friendships are solidly based), and starting friendships which right from the beginning are based on my being a victim in need of help.

I would have liked to come here and say "Hi! I'm Ellie..." but that's as far as it goes without the rest of it being a huge sob story about how hard things have been for me. I am talented at avoiding talking about myself in any positive, productive and vulnerable terms, so I'm doing my best to break this cycle and talk about myself a bit.

Here's what I've got so far. (This is old stuff, it was once my answering machine song message, but at least it's positive information).

I like butterflies, cherries and rain
And sometimes I like to see old friends again
But I don't like liquorice, And I can't stand beer
And I hate blank messages
So please, speak up, dear!

(Beeeeeeeeeeep). Be nice to talk to you, please don't be shy...

 

[sonofgod]

so ellie when can you speak ?

 

[wwjd_kilden]

wow. Now that's a introduction

Welcome!

 

[EnochxGenesis]

cool story, bro

 

[md27]

I can relate.

 

[Ellie]

Thanks for saying so. Feel free to elaborate a little. It's always encouraging to hear and experience other people's realness too.

 

[Ellie]

Talkin to myself

Just sat in the lounge and had a private conversation with myself. Of course when you do that, the internet sends your message back to yourself, so each one appears twice. But it got me thinking that maybe my self-talk was worth sharing - perhaps there's some insight in it for somebody, or perhaps somebody has some for me. Either that or you're all gonna totally avoid me once you start to catch on how totally nutss I am.. so here it is..

Ellie: hi Ellie
Ellie:hi Ellie
Ellie: what are you doing in here, why don't you talk to some people?
Ellie:what are you doing in here, why don't you talk to some people?
Ellie: Well you know, it's hard to do. How do you just jump in and start a conversation with people who aren't asking for it?
Ellie:Well you know, it's hard to do. How do you just jump in and start a conversation with people who aren't asking for it?
Ellie: Well maybe they are asking for it, you won't know until you try... aren't you asking for it?
Ellie:Well maybe they are asking for it, you won't know until you try... aren't you asking for it?
Ellie: Aren't you waiting for someone to talk to you?
Ellie:Aren't you waiting for someone to talk to you?
Ellie: yes well that's true
Ellie:yes well that's true
Ellie: I wish I had helped that lady today. That was such a perfect opportunity
Ellie:I wish I had helped that lady today. That was such a perfect opportunity
Ellie: I don't really know why I hesitated
Ellie:I don't really know why I hesitated
Ellie: hesitation is such a killer
Ellie:hesitation is such a killer
Ellie: well you're doing it right now arn't you?
Ellie:well you're doing it right now arn't you?
Ellie: I guess it helps when you know what you have to say
Ellie:I guess it helps when you know what you have to say
Ellie: Yeah, you know tha't's a crock. That's the stuff that hesitation is made of. I'll do it when I can get it right. I'll wait until I know. Sometimes you just have to jump in
Ellie:Yeah, you know tha't's a crock. That's the stuff that hesitation is made of. I'll do it when I can get it right. I'll wait until I know. Sometimes you just have to jump in
Ellie:Respond to something someone else is saying. It's not all about you.
Ellie:Respond to something someone else is saying. It's not all about you.
Ellie:Ellie, you jsut have to realise that today is not like yesterday or last month or last year.
Ellie:Ellie, you jsut have to realise that today is not like yesterday or last month or last year.

I've stopped there and am now talking to myself in this space:

if you've been rejected or misunderstood, or abused or dismissed or de-valued and even unloved a billion times before, this time is still different. Because this time you've had a billion times practice to grow strong and keep your chin up. keep moving baby girl.Doing nothing is more tragic than getting hurt some more. You can take it. You can. You're strong. You've got the scars to prove it.

The stuff you say to yourself is important. More important than what anyone else says to you, even God. Wait. Keep your shirt on.. hear me right.. The stuff God tells you is more valuable, but the stuff you tell yourself is more important, because it reflects which stuff you're choosing to LISTEN to. It can be the same thing - tell yourself what God has told you. You can think you're listening to God, but pay attention to (monitor) what you SAY to yourself because that's the stuff you're really hearing with your life.

Ironically, I'm logging out now cos I've been invited to go out. Any excuse to get out of the house.

Catch ya. Love to all. xx

 

[RecordingSound]

"The stuff you say to yourself is important. More important than what anyone else says to you, even God. Wait. Keep your shirt on.. hear me right.. The stuff God tells you is more valuable, but the stuff you tell yourself is more important, because it reflects which stuff you're choosing to LISTEN to. It can be the same thing - tell yourself what God has told you. You can think you're listening to God, but pay attention to (monitor) what you SAY to yourself because that's the stuff you're really hearing with your life."

that is so true! What we think of life, ourselves or even God devines who we are and how we handle. You are a very smart person. You actually know a lot about yourself. But knowing won't change you. I see a lot of myself in how you present yourself. I have struggled with the same kind of reflection on myself. I don't know how it is with you, but it made me get stuck within myself sometimes. I would know so much what was wrong with me and had a hard time seeing what was good. Condemning myself all the time. It influenced my vision of who I am and who God was for me. We are here to listen to you to talk with you and I hope that will help you more trough this journey of knowing who you really are. The good and the bad.

Thank you so much for sharing! Being transparant as you are will help you a lot within this walk in life. It's good to sometimes just be open about these thinkg instead of putting on a smiley face.

You can talk to me anytime!

Bertina

 

[Ellie]

Hey recording sound thanks for that! It's encouraging to have vulnerability responded to with confirmation that what I experience is normal. I think many if not all of us would find truth in the paradox that you have to be radically different enough to lay your heart before others, in order to discover that we're all the same.

It's just finding that balance I guess, to know that when you do that and only hear the crickets chirping - or worse - get hit with opposition - that it doesn't mean you ought not to have done it, only that the person / people you shared with are hurting / need saving from themselves possibly even more than you do. And it's ok if for now you are not the one to be there for them if you are the one who needs nurturing at the moment. I mean you give them what you can. But you can't make them your primary fellowship if you are not able to get (spiritual) food from somewhere else. Ok so the more I'm talking about this, the more I should admit I'm talking about a speciffic situation. My smallgroup / lifegroup/ homegroup / cell group / bible study group - whatever you call it - I've noticed it's called many things so I thought I should cover all bases - is full of hurting people. All trying to lean on eachother and all falling all over the place. It's been interesting.

Maybe I'll elaborate a little more later, but I think that's enough for now. It's nice to have a place to talk and be heard. I appreciate responsiveness too.



Lovelovelove