pained by adultery, advice please

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blessedinpain

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My wife committed adultery last year. Within a week she confessed it to a friend who is a "leader" in our church (she holds classes ministering to people from sexually abused childhoods). Her friend promised to not take it to the church board on the condition that she ceased all contact with her co-adulterer, confessed to me, prayed daily and called her daily. At the end of January she confessed to me.

Throughout January she was depressed, remorseful and suicidal. After she confessed I forgave her, out of love and out of relief, knowing that her confession marked the beginning of her healing. I felt that God would forgive her as well, knowing how remorseful and repentant she was. I did not want to bring it to our church elders or board for fear that the shame would put her over the brink, what with her thoughts of suicide.

Within the last week I discovered that she set up a new email just for her and her co-adulterer. So obviously, she has not turned away from the sin, which is not repentant and as I understand it, bears no forgiveness from Our Lord. I fear for her soul. Advice please.
 
Dear blessedinpain,

I have a certain amount of experience in this since I, unfortunately, have been on both sides of the adultery equation. It would seem that either your wife is a wonderful actress, or she is really torn between sin and repentance. My advice would be to give her every opportunity to choose true repentance as her course of action. Tell her (in a non-judgmental way) that you know about the e-mail account. Ask her if she feels that it would be best if you (guys) had a trial separation. Tell her that you still love her and want to forgive her (if that is the way you feel), but that you need her to meet you halfway.

I believe that, at this time of in her life, your wife needs love and understanding; not judgment or extreme scrutiny (unless, as I said, her repentance was just an act). We know that God has the capacity to forgive her. The real question is "do you?". (Also, you should probably examine your own life to see if you are inadvertently doing something to drive your wife away.) Finally, you might also try to enlist the aid of the church "leader", but I would strongly caution you not to let the situation become common knowledge. At least not yet.

Ultimately, it is in God's hands. Pray for guidance in the matter, and pray for your wife. Ask God to open her eyes and redirect her steps, so that she realizes the error of her ways and truly repents.

God be with you in your dilemma. I pray that everything works out for you.
 
Thank you for your kind response. I do love her and can forgive her "seven times seventy times"! I have done much thinking about my contributions to her straying and she assures me it had nothing to do with me or our marriage, which I find hard to accept. Her suicidal tendencies make me fear bringing church authority figures into the picture, however I am considering it for the sake of her salvation.
 
I am just a wondering person who hasn't found my path yet, so I cannot help you in regards to what God would do, or accept, or what would be proper behaviour according to your faith.

However, I am human being who can feel your despair and I just want to offer you a big *hug* :)
 
blessedinpain said:
Thank you for your kind response. I do love her and can forgive her "seven times seventy times"! I have done much thinking about my contributions to her straying and she assures me it had nothing to do with me or our marriage, which I find hard to accept. Her suicidal tendencies make me fear bringing church authority figures into the picture, however I am considering it for the sake of her salvation.
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For some reason, I feel that I should strongly recommend not bringing any outsiders into this situation except for a couple of trusted friends. It may be that God is laying it on my heart, or it may just be my own experiences talking. In any case, I believe that your wife needs love and understanding; not a stern reprimand or loss of any more self esteem. I would advise you to let God take care of her salvation. That, of course, is His specialty.

If she is suicidal, there may be more to her problem than just promiscuity. You might try suggesting a Christian counselor which you both could see. Again, if I were you, I would make it someone outside your immediate church family. I cannot stress enough that I think she should be treated with love and forgiving.

Stay strong. Remember, God is in control and He has a plan.
 
I thank you again. Yes, we are going to schedule an initial session with a Christian marriage counselling group that is not associated with our church. I am certain in my mind now that involving our church in the matter would not be of any help, for her or us. Her shame is before The Lord and only he can judge her or any one else among us. I place no value on human judgement when it comes to a matter such as this. However, finding her (and me and us) Christian help is a must. So far as the love and forgiving, goodness sakes yes! The Lord has truly blessed me with my wife, I have never doubted that. And the forgiveness? " Seven times seventy times" and as many seventies as it takes! Thank you again for your thoughts and wise advice.
 
Hi, I just prayed for you. I hope that things will turn out well.

I salute you with Romans 8:28: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"

a brother in Christ
 
blessedinpain said:
My wife committed adultery last year. Within a week she confessed it to a friend who is a "leader" in our church (she holds classes ministering to people from sexually abused childhoods). Her friend promised to not take it to the church board on the condition that she ceased all contact with her co-adulterer, confessed to me, prayed daily and called her daily. At the end of January she confessed to me.

Throughout January she was depressed, remorseful and suicidal. After she confessed I forgave her, out of love and out of relief, knowing that her confession marked the beginning of her healing. I felt that God would forgive her as well, knowing how remorseful and repentant she was. I did not want to bring it to our church elders or board for fear that the shame would put her over the brink, what with her thoughts of suicide.

Within the last week I discovered that she set up a new email just for her and her co-adulterer. So obviously, she has not turned away from the sin, which is not repentant and as I understand it, bears no forgiveness from Our Lord. I fear for her soul. Advice please.
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I don't know the full extent of your situation, have you guys even talked about why she cheated? And tried to work towards fixing the problems in your relationship or seeing if its even possible?? By the sounds of it shes no longer in love with you and prefers to keep cheating. The best thing to do imo is to, ask her why shes doing it again, put all of your martial cards on the table, the good, bad, and ugly, and if theres just no light at the end of the tunnel, get a divorce so you to no longer put each other thru "hell". Good luck
 
Dear Blessedinpain

I am so sorry for what you are going through & feel your pain deeply. My husband has had a number of affairs & we are currently separated. It is great that your attitude toward your wife is one of forgiveness, but I do want to caution that there needs to be true repentance before you can repair your marriage. It's no use her saying or acting sorry, but she needs to show she is truely sorry by doing everything she can to cut off all contact with the other man. Your self esteem has taken a huge hit & this will affect the decisions you make. We tend to think that we need to just love & forgive others over & over because that is what Jesus wants us to do. But Jesus rejected many - the pharisees, sadducees, the traders at the temple, etc. God doesn't accept everyone indescriminately but looks at the condition of the heart - King David committed adultery & even murder & God called him a "man after my own heart". This was because he lay prostrate before God & begged for forgiveness, he was truely repentant. Adam, on the other hand, was thrown out of the garden of Eden, not so much because of the sin he committed but because of his response - to hide from God & blame Eve. So consider carefully the condition of your wife's heart. I pray that there will be true repentance & that your marriage will grow stronger & stronger. Keep your way pure & your eyes fixed securely on God & He will lift you up & bless you, whatever happens!
 
KezE said:
Dear Blessedinpain

I am so sorry for what you are going through & feel your pain deeply. My husband has had a number of affairs & we are currently separated. It is great that your attitude toward your wife is one of forgiveness, but I do want to caution that there needs to be true repentance before you can repair your marriage. It's no use her saying or acting sorry, but she needs to show she is truely sorry by doing everything she can to cut off all contact with the other man. Your self esteem has taken a huge hit & this will affect the decisions you make. We tend to think that we need to just love & forgive others over & over because that is what Jesus wants us to do. But Jesus rejected many - the pharisees, sadducees, the traders at the temple, etc. God doesn't accept everyone indescriminately but looks at the condition of the heart - King David committed adultery & even murder & God called him a "man after my own heart". This was because he lay prostrate before God & begged for forgiveness, he was truely repentant. Adam, on the other hand, was thrown out of the garden of Eden, not so much because of the sin he committed but because of his response - to hide from God & blame Eve. So consider carefully the condition of your wife's heart. I pray that there will be true repentance & that your marriage will grow stronger & stronger. Keep your way pure & your eyes fixed securely on God & He will lift you up & bless you, whatever happens!
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Well said KEZE, the consitions of your wife hearts should be considered,is she willing to repent and stop all this communication with her co-adulterer? you might be willing to forgive seven seventy times and she is not ready to change just playing games.....i pray that God guides you through this and pls keep up the faith.
 
According to the bible you are free to divorce her and find yourself a new wife. (But maybe you already knew that). If you want to save the marriage you need to convince her that your love is sufficient for her. How? I would show her you love her every chance you get. If anything, it will make her feel deep guilt about the alledged affair.
 
There is great wisdom in dmdave17's advice. I especially agree with the part about a trial separation if her behavior does not change and she does not live up to the agreement the two of you have made. While you love her and are there for her, and God can (and stands willing to) heal her and this situation, she does need to know that you mean business..and so does God.

prayerfully...
 
My wife and I just came out of that situation ourselves. I was by far, no where near the greatest of husbands to say the least, cheating, lying, drunk, and so on. Two years ago Feb we seperated and she instantly moved on. She took me back three times and each time she ran back to him... roles reversed now. By Apr I had given my life to Christ and changed all that I knew (2Cor. 5:17). The hardest thing for me was the thought of losing my son. The one thing that held me together was this thought, mind you it is my own, but it makes sense to me: "I would not allow myself to be angry, because to me, to be angry was to be angry at God. I know that God wants nothing but the best for me and to 'prosper' me. So as long as I stayed in His will, all would work out one way or the other." She and I were seperated for about a year and a half, all the while I prayed for her everyday and all day. During that time I gave her a "window of speration", a time for her to figure out what she was going to do before I would accept it for what it is. As of Mar last year she came to me and said that she came to know Christ and wanted to start over, I was not giving in so easily as I have already played that game with her three times. I approached very cautiously until I knew this was for real... As I type this, our second son is turning 24hrs old.

So please hang in there, never allow yourself to say, "what if I tried just a little harder?" Your constant forgiveness, and willingness to work things out will ensure that doesn't plague you. Also know that God wants nothing but the best for you, and everything happens for a good reason... as bad as the holocaust was, it's because of that, that Israel is a nation today, fulfilling prophecy. I'm pretty sure you're not going through that so I have confidence that you will be just fine. But most of all, remember to pray and allow God to work.

I hope this was helpful.
 
there are a number of ways to look at this, but the way I understand it is that Matt 18 teaches that you go to them one on one, if the repent, great. If not, then bring a witness with you to confront (if this is where you are at, I would say bring the lady who already knows so you don't involved additonal outsiders), and then if they don't repent bring them before the church leadership. Also, Scripture teaches that the way of a sinner is hard, so even though you love your spouse, and are willing to forgive, this does not mean that there are not consequences for her actions, nor does it mean that if she continues in her sin that you should make it "easy" for your spouse to do so.
 
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