Parents of TEENS - need advice please!

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amyinco

Junior Member
May 23, 2017
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How many days or hours per week do you feel is fair for your teen to be allowed at friend's houses? Specifically houses that don't share your Christian values or worldview at all really. My 16 year old (driving) daughter and I have been fighting a lot because she goes over to her boyfriend and best friend (they are siblings) house a lot but we don't have a good feeling about the parents (based on things we have heard them say) and and we know they are influencing her in the wrong direction overall. Not in illegal type behavior but just away from God. About 5 months ago she told us she "doesn't believe" anymore and we have found her attitude and behavior over the last year increasingly "worldly" and sad. She still goes to church with us but we are not lecturing her back to God, just speaking truth in love and enforcing boundaries.

We have made our home very open and welcoming for them to hang out anytime but she says they don't want to, so she ends up over there many times a week and they are never at our house. Is it unreasonable or too strict to put boundaries on how often she can be at their house? We are not trying to end her relationships because we know that will backfire, but at the same time we can't just throw up our hands and abdicate our Godly parental responsibilities to limit the worldly influences. Even though she would say those are the influences she WANTS since she doesn't want to be a Christian anymore.

We are praying and trusting God with her salvation and we have a very good relationship with lots of communication with her now so we don't want to ruin that by being unreasonable or too strict. Any advice or personal testimonies would be appreciated.
 
i wouldnt allow it if her boyfriend is there and theres no supervision. Now maybe if their parents were true Christians with good values then id probably feel different.
 
If muslims dont allow the daughter to go to sleep over in a man s house (dont care for BUT the parents or but her best friend but but we r not muslims) for obvious reasons (they would be too tempted and who knows after the "supervisors fall asleep" u know....). I would protect my daughter as i would protect my wife.
 
This is a tough one - how to keep some control while allowing your daughter to experience some independence. It sounds as if she has a strong Christian background, and the Bible tells us if we train up a child in the way she should go, she will not depart from it. But, she is only 16, which still puts her under your authority. Maybe 1-2 weekday evenings, then she can pick 1 day of the weekend (preferably Saturday) to visit with her friends. What wonderfully wise parents you are to realize forcing an end to the relationship will most likely create rebellion or possibly even worse behavior. Life is about balance, so perhaps talking to and teaching her about a balanced time with her own family and her friends will set her on a path with even stronger Christian values. Good luck!
 
amyinco said:
How many days or hours per week do you feel is fair for your teen to be allowed at friend's houses? Specifically houses that don't share your Christian values or worldview at all really. My 16 year old (driving) daughter and I have been fighting a lot because she goes over to her boyfriend and best friend (they are siblings) house a lot but we don't have a good feeling about the parents (based on things we have heard them say) and and we know they are influencing her in the wrong direction overall. Not in illegal type behavior but just away from God. About 5 months ago she told us she "doesn't believe" anymore and we have found her attitude and behavior over the last year increasingly "worldly" and sad. She still goes to church with us but we are not lecturing her back to God, just speaking truth in love and enforcing boundaries.

We have made our home very open and welcoming for them to hang out anytime but she says they don't want to, so she ends up over there many times a week and they are never at our house. Is it unreasonable or too strict to put boundaries on how often she can be at their house? We are not trying to end her relationships because we know that will backfire, but at the same time we can't just throw up our hands and abdicate our Godly parental responsibilities to limit the worldly influences. Even though she would say those are the influences she WANTS since she doesn't want to be a Christian anymore.

We are praying and trusting God with her salvation and we have a very good relationship with lots of communication with her now so we don't want to ruin that by being unreasonable or too strict. Any advice or personal testimonies would be appreciated.
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16 is tough. we've had 5 daughters and a son go through 16. they're trying to grow up and part of that is separating who you are from who they are. it's hard on everyone.

i guess i'd just say keep praying. you want to balance not being too strict with being strict enough, and that's a situation by situation kind of thing. communication is great! but it'll be too great a sacrifice if she has too much rope.
you're not being unreasonable; you're being good and faithful parents in the midst of trying circumstances.

you sound like you already know all this, but my advice is don't compromise your beliefs and standards to accommodate what she wants at this stage. she's trying to find her way but she still very much needs mom and dad to make rules, and make her keep them. she doesn't know it yet, but she does.

see, you're already doing this in insisting she attend church with you, which is why i think you don't even need to hear me blather. lol

two of our children said things like they didn't want to be a Christian anymore. one had never been saved, though, so do keep praying and giving her opportunities to hear the Gospel.

if it's any consolation, our kiddos have thanked us for doing that sort of thing. the youngest is 22, the eldest 36.
they do come out the other side of this. :)

keep the faith, mom! keep doing what you know is right. God, the ultimate Parent, gives His children rules. rules are in place for her to keep her safe with the end result she learn to obey God.

i put your little girl (because they're always our little ones, aren't they?) in my prayer journal.
please feel free to PM me if you need to vent, er, i mean talk. ;)
 
I would advise to be loving and supportive, the one thing most parents get wrong. God is in control. When we argue and fight it is because we want to be right. And what do we end up with? The very thing we are trying to control, becomes out of our control, and maybe out of control. When you're young, you stay away from threatening places, so if arguments happen at home then that is the place you stay away from. Maybe people turn away from Christianity when they are young, when those who are supposed to portray it, bring pain. And one may make mistakes they regret later, but it was all because they wanted to stay away from pain, even if it was meant to be loving. And then you look to feel loved, even if it is in the wrong place.

There are many ways to show love, but the main thing is 'showing' it, rather than doing things out of love, or well-meant but that do not feel or come across like love. Only authentic love, kind and humble, without judgement or calculation and pre-meditation, is from God.
 
mj007 said:
I would advise to be loving and supportive, the one thing most parents get wrong. God is in control. When we argue and fight it is because we want to be right. And what do we end up with? The very thing we are trying to control, becomes out of our control, and maybe out of control. When you're young, you stay away from threatening places, so if arguments happen at home then that is the place you stay away from. Maybe people turn away from Christianity when they are young, when those who are supposed to portray it, bring pain. And one may make mistakes they regret later, but it was all because they wanted to stay away from pain, even if it was meant to be loving. And then you look to feel loved, even if it is in the wrong place.

There are many ways to show love, but the main thing is 'showing' it, rather than doing things out of love, or well-meant but that do not feel or come across like love. Only authentic love, kind and humble, without judgement or calculation and pre-meditation, is from God.
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i'm just curious; do you have teenage children? if so, has this been beneficial to them?

love comes in many forms, and exerting parental authority is one of them. kids need boundaries as much as they need our unconditional love.
 
No but I was once that rebellious teenager, who's parents focused more on setting boundaries than trying to have a relationship with me where I felt loved.

notmyown said:
i'm just curious; do you have teenage children? if so, has this been beneficial to them?

love comes in many forms, and exerting parental authority is one of them. kids need boundaries as much as they need our unconditional love.
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All hell breaks loose at that house, accept this and act accordingly.
 
Time at a boyfriend's house!!!!?????

Zero. Zip. Nada. Uh-uh. Aint going to happen.

Boyfriend's houses have bedrooms in them. And a boy.

I've told my little kids that that stuff on the Disney channel about kids dating should be considered make-believe as far as they are concerned, like the magic. No dating until they are old enough to get married or very close to it. If they are going to college, that would be more along the lines of junior or senior year. I'm instilling the idea into their consciousness that they introduce any interested prospects to me first.

Modern dating culture is totally messed up. Dating for entertainment purposes is a misuse of the courtship process.

I don't believe, as a father, I should let a hormone-laden 17-year-old boy drive off into the dark at night alone with my 16-year-old daughter, unchaperoned at that, (when she gets that age.)

Your their dad. Set whatever rules about being at home that you believe is best. Pray about it. Be reasonable. Be concerned for their social development and all that. But you are the dad. How is it not 'fair' for you to set a rule about that?

My oldest is a boy, about to turn 15. I don't have experience with the teenage girl phase yet with my daughters.
 
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My kids are all grown up now, but boy did we have some fun when they were teens.


One of my sons had some friends who hung out together every weekend (there were 4 boys who had been friends since elementary school). My son would beg to stay the night over at his friends' houses. However, the parents of all the boys didn't have a problem with coed sleepovers. We told our son "no way", and allowed him to stay until midnight, but he had to come home and sleep in his own bed.


He felt it was unfair to him because there was parental supervision at all times at all 4 homes. But, we didn't like the coed sleep situation.


One time we were talking about the whys and wherefores of the whole mess and our son told us that the mom and dad of one of the boys had spoken with him and asked him "what's wrong with your parents? don’t they trust you?"


My husband told my son "we do trust you. we trust you to be a 16 year old boy and we are not going to put you in that situation".


Our son was mad and frustrated, thought we were being unfair. But when he was in his 20s, he understood. He said we were right.


Another thing we did was we made sure we knew where our kids were at all times. If they wanted to go to a friend's house after school, fine (as long as they had their homework done and their chores had to be done before they went to bed). If they wanted to go to another friend's house (or the mall, or wherever), they had to call us and let us know where they were going to be.


Sometimes, we would "stop by" wherever they were because, well, you know, we're on our way to go get some pizza (or ice cream or whatever) and wondered if you wanted any. Kind of a way to check up on what was going on and also if he wanted to leave, he could. Or if he wanted us to bring some pizza (or ice cream or whatever) over for him and his friends.


We explained that to him when he was in his 20s also. He thought it over and told us that was a really good idea and we shouldn't tell his sister (our youngest daughter) until she was older. :)
 
mj007 said:
No but I was once that rebellious teenager, who's parents focused more on setting boundaries than trying to have a relationship with me where I felt loved.
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oic, thank you. i'm sorry for that, it must have been difficult.

no, kids need both of them, and it really is a trick knowing which to lean more heavily on when.

well, it's not a trick. we need Jesus. :)
 
presidente said:
Time at a boyfriend's house!!!!?????

Zero. Zip. Nada. Uh-uh. Aint going to happen.

Boyfriend's houses have bedrooms in them. And a boy.

I've told my little kids that that stuff on the Disney channel about kids dating should be considered make-believe as far as they are concerned, like the magic. No dating until they are old enough to get married or very close to it. If they are going to college, that would be more along the lines of junior or senior year. I'm instilling the idea into their consciousness that they introduce any interested prospects to me first.

Modern dating culture is totally messed up. Dating for entertainment purposes is a misuse of the courtship process.

I don't believe, as a father, I should let a hormone-laden 17-year-old boy drive off into the dark at night alone with my 16-year-old daughter, unchaperoned at that, (when she gets that age.)

Your their dad. Set whatever rules about being at home that you believe is best. Pray about it. Be reasonable. Be concerned for their social development and all that. But you are the dad. How is it not 'fair' for you to set a rule about that?

My oldest is a boy, about to turn 15. I don't have experience with the teenage girl phase yet with my daughters.
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i'm laughing because you sound like my husband. :D

oh, and presidente? i think we're talking to the mom. :)
 
Ooops. I didn't notice the pink there. I apologize amyinco. I should have said, you are the mom. :)
 
Thank you all for your wonderful advice! My teen was just starting to wear me down and make me question myself but reading many of your replies has helped my resolve and confirmed that her dad and I are on the right track. We will continue to speak the truth in love to her, while keeping boundaries. The hard part is definitely not compromising what we know pleases God, but also not provoking her by just being controlling for no good reason/getting into fear. We have talked to her a great deal about keeping balance between friends/boyfriend/family/work/school by helping her envision her life like a pie chart. Instead of picking on the specific friends/boy (which always seems to backfire!), she was more understanding when we explained it was about balance between all areas and not good to be too influenced by any one group or environment (except us of course! lol)
I encouraged her to also get a part-time job this summer which has really helped because it keeps her busy 3-4 days a week. Busy teens= less time for trouble. :-)

We agreed that she could see friends/boyfriend, but can only do that at their house twice a week. After that, if they want to spend more time together, it must be at our house or just at a movie or public place. Yes, she does go to her boyfriend's (sorry to Presidente! you sound like my hubby too!) because his sister is her best friend. I have talked many times to their parents who agreed to them only being allowed in the family room/kitchen areas (no rooms with doors) and parents must always be home. This is a rule for ALL houses she goes to and she definitely doesn't spend the night there.

I feel like we are doing our part to give her boundaries to the best of our ability (curfews, rules with car, always knowing where she is etc) but then trusting God with all the things out of our control and that He is working behind the scenes. I'm encouraged by many of your replies which said your older children now thank you and realize you did things for their good AND that many came back to God. We are believing that our daughter will also come through this season, not only returning to her first love of Jesus but a stronger Christian than before, and able to use these years as a testimony to His faithfulness and love.

Thank you all again!
 
Teens and dating and friends are sometimes difficult waters to maneuver. You have to be careful in keeping the lines of communication open. I know that you said she doesn't want to be a Christian anymore, but have you asked her what changed her mind? Possibly asking her questions will get her to think things through for herself. I would also ask her moral questions about purity and things that should be addressed whether Christian or not. My oldest went through a time when he questioned God and we asked questions, prayed and committed him to the Lord's care and loved on him. Our rules didn't change, we just allowed him the space to find Him. We set up the rules, consequences and that was that, no arguing. He was free to break them, but he knew ahead of time what the consequence would be without arguing. Black and white. God was faithful and revealed Himself to my son and he is now almost 21 and leads a college Bible study in our home. I do believe there is a time in all their lives, they have to find Him for themselves and not rely on what we have told them. I just want to encourage you to keep praying and being in relationship with her, but make your rules, explain the why of them and stick by them all in love. As far as what rules, that really is something you as a family need to decide. I think each family is different. Will be praying for you all!!
 
amyinco said:
How many days or hours per week do you feel is fair for your teen to be allowed at friend's houses? Specifically houses that don't share your Christian values or worldview at all really. My 16 year old (driving) daughter and I have been fighting a lot because she goes over to her boyfriend and best friend (they are siblings) house a lot but we don't have a good feeling about the parents (based on things we have heard them say) and and we know they are influencing her in the wrong direction overall. Not in illegal type behavior but just away from God. About 5 months ago she told us she "doesn't believe" anymore and we have found her attitude and behavior over the last year increasingly "worldly" and sad. She still goes to church with us but we are not lecturing her back to God, just speaking truth in love and enforcing boundaries.

We have made our home very open and welcoming for them to hang out anytime but she says they don't want to, so she ends up over there many times a week and they are never at our house. Is it unreasonable or too strict to put boundaries on how often she can be at their house? We are not trying to end her relationships because we know that will backfire, but at the same time we can't just throw up our hands and abdicate our Godly parental responsibilities to limit the worldly influences. Even though she would say those are the influences she WANTS since she doesn't want to be a Christian anymore.

We are praying and trusting God with her salvation and we have a very good relationship with lots of communication with her now so we don't want to ruin that by being unreasonable or too strict. Any advice or personal testimonies would be appreciated.
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well as a father of two girls by the time they are 16 you have done your job. however boundaries are appropriate as long they are under your roof. is the friend parents home? have you spoken to them? and let them know your moral standard and what you do not want your child doing. If the parents cannot respect your standard then I would not allow my 16 year old to go there. and explain to them why. Now all children go through this and we need to continue to pray them through. Do not weaken your standard in the end they will see you were right. But The Parents of the other home that is undermining your authority cannot be tolerated . You have to address it. When my son turned 18 he wanted to move out I told him it was not a good idea and you know that you are doing wrong. But the devil and friends made me to look like the bad guy .

Here is a a powerful word imho: Instruct a child when they are young and when they are older they will not depart.

The word of God that was sown into them at an early age is there... pray it out . When the devil try's to make your words deaf God will rise up in them and just as the Prodigal son they will shake themselves and come to their senses .

This family better be careful God will take action for the undermining of your God Given authority. I say that fearfully not to cerebrate. They too need salvation . I can tell you God has worked it all out for my children prayer is the key and Love the Hell out of them. Invite the Parents over for dinner and to church they can only say no. Don't preach at them, nor get upset . Pray and tell your 16 year old " I trust you and I know God see all . You know what is right from wrong and for 16 years I have done all I could to protect you and give the best I could. remember no friend replaces your family.
 
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