parents stay together just for kids- what to do as the kid?

[DorotheaSofia]

Hi DorotheaSofia,

You are definitely carrying a lot of things that shouldn't be yours to carry, and I'm truly sorry for that. The book of James says that trials can make us better and stronger, but I know that they hurt and it can be very confusing to know how to handle them.

I don't think I can give you specific advice about how to handle anything, because there are so many tiny nuances of your situation that I can't possibly understand from way over here. But I do have a great amount of faith in asking God to help you handle everything in the best way possible. He knows what you're going through, and He can use any situation for good. Isn't that amazing? He can even use someone else's mistakes for our good!

So my advice is very general, but as I said, I believe in it myself and use it often: ask God to fill you with the Holy Spirit and guide you along the best path through all of this mess. It will still be difficult, and again, I'm sorry that you've been given this burden to deal with.

But I love what you said about continuing to praise Him, because He is so worthy! Jesus is without question the best friend any of us could ever have. One of my favorite psalms says it beautifully when it says: "but nevertheless, You are always with me. You hold me by my right hand."

This may be general, but I think it´s one of the most important things you could say. Thank you so much for encouraging me like this.
It truly is that way: God will use it all for good. And if that good is, that I can show otheres how to stay faithful to God through the pain, I will gladly go that path. I know that the Holy Spirit will guide me, he gives me peace and joy that I can´t explain. I truly am where I am only because of God´s grace.
I invite God into this situation with the same faith and hope that he is the waymaker. It is super hard but at the same time I get to know that joy is not related to my situation (even if the situaion can obviously enhance it) The one and only true reason for my joy is Jesus Christ through the Holy Spirit. I also have become such a strong person over the course of the past few years. He really does hold me and all of us by our hands, and we shall not perish, praise the Lord.

 

[DorotheaSofia]

I'm praying for you too. Our God is loving and He will carry you through.

Thank you. God bless you for that.

 

[Lanolin]

wow thats tough, though in your situation you can probably see which of your parents is giving a hard time to the other. You can only pray to soften their heart.
Pray for the one who is wronged, pray for the one who is hard-hearted.

Because you are 16 I think parents are unnecessarily placing a burden on you should one leave. I know this happens in many split families that the eldest is then left carrying the household. Even if they are way too young for it, like even at 2 years old this can happen. eg they get told certain things and then think they need to be responsible for their siblings, chores, or eventual breadwinning etc.

I know many many divorced parents who just cannot wait until their children are grown so they will urge them to get a job to support the family.

You are on the brink of adulthood (18 is the legal age to leave and do all adult things) . if your parents are open to listening to you, you can say you need to concentrate on your schoolwork right now and dont need the stress.

I see many children of split families or arguing parents who stay together at school who are stressing out their children to the max. Then their school work suffers and they often end up failing or dropping out. I only wish I could confront these parents with their irresponsibility!

 

[Lanolin]

You can also talk to your grandparents about it if you need an ear, though I suppose it depends whch one(s) ...they are the only ones in a position to do something since they are elders.

 

[DorotheaSofia]

You can also talk to your grandparents about it if you need an ear, though I suppose it depends whch one(s) ...they are the only ones in a position to do something since they are elders.

unfortunately I don´t have that possibility

 

[DorotheaSofia]

wow thats tough, though in your situation you can probably see which of your parents is giving a hard time to the other. You can only pray to soften their heart.
Pray for the one who is wronged, pray for the one who is hard-hearted.

Because you are 16 I think parents are unnecessarily placing a burden on you should one leave. I know this happens in many split families that the eldest is then left carrying the household. Even if they are way too young for it, like even at 2 years old this can happen. eg they get told certain things and then think they need to be responsible for their siblings, chores, or eventual breadwinning etc.

I know many many divorced parents who just cannot wait until their children are grown so they will urge them to get a job to support the family.

You are on the brink of adulthood (18 is the legal age to leave and do all adult things) . if your parents are open to listening to you, you can say you need to concentrate on your schoolwork right now and dont need the stress.

I see many children of split families or arguing parents who stay together at school who are stressing out their children to the max. Then their school work suffers and they often end up failing or dropping out. I only wish I could confront these parents with their irresponsibility!

I will pray.
You are right, I am left carrying a lot of responsibility in the household, but also generally. It´s tough, but carrying the general burden of all the conflict is much harder. My siblings also know a lot less about the situation thatn I do so I don´t have very many people to talk.
Unfortunately, saying that I need to do schoolwork will not help. My parents won´t make me work in the household that much, but that is not the main problem. All the problems and conflicts in the family will not suddenly dissolve if I just say that I don´t need the extra stress. But it is very stressful, and I sometimes struggle concentrating on my school work which is stressful enough on its own. I am still performing well at school fortunately, but it does affect me, I notice I am more tired, and certainly under a lot of stress.

 

[Live4Him]

I will pray.
You are right, I am left carrying a lot of responsibility in the household, but also generally. It´s tough, but carrying the general burden of all the conflict is much harder. My siblings also know a lot less about the situation thatn I do so I don´t have very many people to talk.
Unfortunately, saying that I need to do schoolwork will not help. My parents won´t make me work in the household that much, but that is not the main problem. All the problems and conflicts in the family will not suddenly dissolve if I just say that I don´t need the extra stress. But it is very stressful, and I sometimes struggle concentrating on my school work which is stressful enough on its own. I am still performing well at school fortunately, but it does affect me, I notice I am more tired, and certainly under a lot of stress.

Your situation reminds me so much of my oldest daughter (18) and the responsibilities that she wrongfully had to bear after my ex cheated on me repeatedly and then divorced me.

In fact, just a few days ago, I was visiting with my children at my ex's home, and she and my oldest daughter got into a huge argument about that very thing. In other words, my ex was actually wrongfully criticizing our daughter for certain things, and our daughter responded by rightfully pointing out that her childhood was, in essence, stolen from her because she was forced into an adult role by having to take care of her two younger siblings almost around the clock because of totally selfish decisions that her mother, my ex, had made.

It really is a horrible situation, and, quite frankly, the entire blame falls upon the selfishness of either the parents, plural, if they're both guilty of the same, or the parent, singular, who is selfishly causing the problems with seemingly no regard whatsoever for how it is going to inevitably negatively impact their children.

If it's of any consolation to you at all, others have gone through what you're going through right now.

Some have turned out bad because they've wrongfully placed the onus of blame upon themselves.

Others have made it through unscathed by rightfully realizing that the problems are not of their own making and by seeking God's grace to help them through the difficult times.

Hopefully, you and your siblings will all be numbered among this second group.

You're in my prayers.

 

[Lanolin]

I did not say it was a quick fix to express how you feel about it, (to either parent) but dont bottle it up.
If one parent can say they are only here to keep the family together, then you as the child can certainly say something, like remind or exhort them about THEIR responsiblility.

what does the Bible say about talkings to your elders and to parents NOT TO VEX their children.

 

[DorotheaSofia]

Your situation reminds me so much of my oldest daughter (18) and the responsibilities that she wrongfully had to bear after my ex cheated on me repeatedly and then divorced me.
It really is a horrible situation, and, quite frankly, the entire blame falls upon the selfishness of either the parents, plural, if they're both guilty of the same, or the parent, singular, who is selfishly causing the problems with seemingly no regard whatsoever for how it is going to inevitably negatively impact their children.
If it's of any consolation to you at all, others have gone through what you're going through right now.
Some have turned out bad because they've wrongfully placed the onus of blame upon themselves.
Others have made it through unscathed by rightfully realizing that the problems are not of their own making and by seeking God's grace to help them through the difficult times.
Hopefully, you and your siblings will all be numbered among this second group.
You're in my prayers.

Thanks for your prayer, it means a lot.
It actually does help to know that I am not the only one to go through this kind of situation, and what helps even more is the fact that others have turned out ok. I know God can use this for his glory and my good, for I love him.
I am not so very concerned for my sister and myself, but my brother is not well. I fear for his future, so I carry him to Jesus in my prayers.
It is so hard to know that it is my parents fault, people who I obviously love so much, cause me so much pain, and my siblings too.
My friend spoke this verse over me a few days ago: Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. It is Psalm 126, 5. It is so true, the biggest thing I see God do in my life is giving me joy despite all this- not in every single moment but generally. So I remain hopeful. I trust that God will carry me through this. The thought of my future, here on earth and one day with God, helps me through this.

 

[DorotheaSofia]

I did not say it was a quick fix to express how you feel about it, (to either parent) but dont bottle it up.
If one parent can say they are only here to keep the family together, then you as the child can certainly say something, like remind or exhort them about THEIR responsiblility.

what does the Bible say about talkings to your elders and to parents NOT TO VEX their children.

Well, maybe I just need to be more brave.
But it still is not very easy, my parent will not see it as an argument if you quote scripture, and will generally not listen to anything but their opinion. My parent is not open to criticism.
But I think that you are right, and I should say sth whenever i get the possibility

 

[Lanolin]

Colossians 3:16-21

 

[DorotheaSofia]

I did not say it was a quick fix to express how you feel about it, (to either parent) but dont bottle it up.
If one parent can say they are only here to keep the family together, then you as the child can certainly say something, like remind or exhort them about THEIR responsiblility.

what does the Bible say about talkings to your elders and to parents NOT TO VEX their children.

also: not bottling is so important, thanks for your reminder. I had a conversation with a friend, finally telling that friend how I feel and what is going on, and it was very healing to me, even if my friend obviously cannot do anything. So that is something I have learned: communicate

 

[Lanolin]

the scripture is for you to meditate on...and pray about.
I dont quote scripture to my parents who arent christians. But when things are difficult I do tell God about whats going on and ask for wisdom to deal with it.

 

[DorotheaSofia]

Colossians 3:16-21

well sadly that is not something we live by right now- at least not all of us. my parent will not take it and say: don´t quote scripture at me... (they are christian though, so it is really weird. I don´t know what to make of that...)And our fmily in general is not like the one described there.
The last verse is so true, my brother and I are so discouraged. Well but the verses before that tell me how to deal with it
Such a blessing, thank you

the scripture is for you to meditate on...and pray about.
I dont quote scripture to my parents who arent christians. But when things are difficult I do tell God about whats going on and ask for wisdom to deal with it.

That´s a good idea, I will try to meditate on it and pray it over my family.

 

[DorotheaSofia]

Hello...
as you might imagine, situations like the one in our family last, and nothing has really changed in the last weeks.
Thats why I am really scared of Easter. The past two years, there always was a major argument at Easter, and I was really unhappy.
I remember answering casusal aquaintainces ´ happy Easter texts, crying hard... That is not the best memory.
Now obviously I look forward to Easter, and it´s a very special day, I cannot wait to celebrate the resurrection of our Lord and Saviour, but at the same time, I am apprehensive of the day because I fear it might happen again. I know that it is not rational to tie arguments and tension to special days, but as it has happened more than once, my easter memories are unfortunately very negative. That makes it rather difficult for me to take these thoughts captive.
I wonder how I can stop letting these negative experiences of past and presence have such an influence on my future and my happiness!
I would be super grateful for your prayer and your advice

 

[Bingo]

"I pray you come to know acceptance is essential for ones own peace
and well being. The Serenity Prayer has truly helped me over the years,
and I hope you come to know it well, EACH DAY, you may be amazed by
the power of this simple prayer, and always keep God's Spirit awareness,
in all your coming and going, you can, so long as you want it enough...believe it."
'I pray of this to be done'
'Amen'

 

[Lafftur]

thank you- it has helped to look at it as a sacrifice
unfortunately I can´t help feeling it´d be better if they didn´t try sacrificing so much because it just makes us suffer so much. But maybe that´s not wise, and I´ll try looking at it as a sign of love.

Hey,
I recently learned that my parents stay together for us kids. One of my parents has informed the other that us kids are the reason my parents are still together in that parent´s opinion.
This leaves me overwhelmed, feeling a little guilty and heartbroken for the parent who did not say that to the other. Their marriage has been very hard to watch for years and neither of them are happy which has obviously affected us kids strongly.
I also just don´t know if this will mean separation when we move out/ are older.
Please just pray for me and give me some advice for how to act and maybe some encouragement?
God bless.

Chin up! You’ll be fine!

The “marriage/divorce” is between the husband and wife...the children have absolutely no influence. If parents say they are “sacrificing” for the children, they are lying....they are simply afraid of the unknown.

Children- it’s NOT your fault AT ALL! Those two adults take ALL the blame as to why the marriage failed! Had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the children, amen.

 

[DorotheaSofia]

"I pray you come to know acceptance is essential for ones own peace
and well being. The Serenity Prayer has truly helped me over the years,
and I hope you come to know it well, EACH DAY, you may be amazed by
the power of this simple prayer, and always keep God's Spirit awareness,
in all your coming and going, you can, so long as you want it enough...believe it."
'I pray of this to be done'
'Amen'

Thank you, I know the serenity prayer but have never prayed it that often. So I will now follow your suggestion, and I hope it will help me come to terms with what is happening.

 

[DorotheaSofia]

Chin up! You’ll be fine!

The “marriage/divorce” is between the husband and wife...the children have absolutely no influence. If parents say they are “sacrificing” for the children, they are lying....they are simply afraid of the unknown.

Children- it’s NOT your fault AT ALL! Those two adults take ALL the blame as to why the marriage failed! Had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the children, amen.

You can´t imagine how good it is to hear that simple: "You´ll be fine" Right now, I feel so stuck. I must remind myself that the future holds more for me than this.
I´d add: not only are they afraid of the unknown, they are also afraid of their family and friends´ reaction! This is a major factor in especially the christian community.
I am aware hat none of this is my fault, and that my parents are to blame.
I find it super hard to forgive them though... Do you have any advice on that?

 

[Bingo]

Thank you, I know the serenity prayer but have never prayed it that often. So I will now follow your suggestion, and I hope it will help me come to terms with what is happening.

"Be persistent, you may come to terms with things that are troublesome."