i've fallen away. though i know i'm wrong and it's somehow my fault, i've lost my faith. God doesn't answer me. the last time i feel that he did is when i got baptised at age 9. the pastor told me i could ask God for anything and he'd listen. and i asked for strength. whcih i got in droves. my mom married an abusive man who abused the kids and it got to extremes. i murdered my step father at age 17. it was him or us. because of his abuse i worked harder on myself. i got into drama and then debate club to learn to speak. that followed into martial arts training. i got so tough that the fears i had as a child were gone. i've lived a life of protecting those weaker and took my lumps.
i paid prices. my body is broken, strength failing. i'm recently diagnosed with renal cell carcinoma. the surgeon wants to take half my kidney and my entire gallbladder to get it all removed. the prognosis is questionable.
though i feel i've lived a moral life and fought for those high ideals, i'm not loved. family, friends, anyone who could love me doesn't. i'm at threat of dying alone and going to hell. pray for me, help me find God in places i haven't looked. i'm lost, and broken.
i paid prices. my body is broken, strength failing. i'm recently diagnosed with renal cell carcinoma. the surgeon wants to take half my kidney and my entire gallbladder to get it all removed. the prognosis is questionable.
though i feel i've lived a moral life and fought for those high ideals, i'm not loved. family, friends, anyone who could love me doesn't. i'm at threat of dying alone and going to hell. pray for me, help me find God in places i haven't looked. i'm lost, and broken.
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