Jonathan Edwards lost
To honest Abe Lincoln
Switching from one avatar to t’other
Shows my precious Des is still drinking
To honest Abe Lincoln
Switching from one avatar to t’other
Shows my precious Des is still drinking
Presbyterian/Baptist War
- Thread starter Desdichado
- Start date
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Baptists play dirty, aye
It's all they know to do
They'll poke you in the eye
And smear your face with poo
Ten Baptists attacked me once
While I was on a bike
From the darkness, they did pounce
And skewered me with a pike
I ran from them down a winding trail
Took refuge under a tree
Whistled a song from the Pale
And made my way home free
Walking through the glen
I found that loathsome band
Winded on the ground
Writhing in the sand
"Take pity on us master
Show us not your dagger
Give us a free pass here
If you kick, please stagger"
Why did fear overtake me?
No danger did I meet
For when the Baptist strikes
He cannot run ten feet!
The glutton!
It's all they know to do
They'll poke you in the eye
And smear your face with poo
Ten Baptists attacked me once
While I was on a bike
From the darkness, they did pounce
And skewered me with a pike
I ran from them down a winding trail
Took refuge under a tree
Whistled a song from the Pale
And made my way home free
Walking through the glen
I found that loathsome band
Winded on the ground
Writhing in the sand
"Take pity on us master
Show us not your dagger
Give us a free pass here
If you kick, please stagger"
Why did fear overtake me?
No danger did I meet
For when the Baptist strikes
He cannot run ten feet!
The glutton!
Say what ye like
About my shifting visage
My coolness always spikes
With shades that are of vintage
About my shifting visage
My coolness always spikes
With shades that are of vintage
Staggering down the road
Is all the Presby did
But the Baptist next to him
Was carrying a heavy load
The Presby was staggering
From drinking too much wine
The Baptist was carrying a heavy load
From eating too much swine
They came to an inn
They each got a room
The Baptist ordered swine, chicken and bread
The Presby ordered grog, beer and gin
The next morning they checked out
But not before a bathroom stop
The Presby took a wizz
The Baptist took a plop
They shook hands
Before parting ways
But when the Presby turned his back
The Baptist put him away
Never trust a Baptist
Especially after a big feast
When you turn your back
He will attack you like a beast
Is all the Presby did
But the Baptist next to him
Was carrying a heavy load
The Presby was staggering
From drinking too much wine
The Baptist was carrying a heavy load
From eating too much swine
They came to an inn
They each got a room
The Baptist ordered swine, chicken and bread
The Presby ordered grog, beer and gin
The next morning they checked out
But not before a bathroom stop
The Presby took a wizz
The Baptist took a plop
They shook hands
Before parting ways
But when the Presby turned his back
The Baptist put him away
Never trust a Baptist
Especially after a big feast
When you turn your back
He will attack you like a beast
Des buys some designer cologne
To go with his designer sunglasses
Says it makes him smell like sorghum
But it really makes him smell like molasses
To go with his designer sunglasses
Says it makes him smell like sorghum
But it really makes him smell like molasses
Not too long ago I was a Baptist boy
I read my Bible daily
Had not a single toy
Then came my brother Jim
A fine and lovely man
Who made my heart happy
But not to the point of sin
My head may be abuzz
My legs dry and hairy
In new places I find fuzz
My diet lacks the dairy
Baptists are more clever
When they choose an attack
Machiavellian endeavors
Are never things they lack
Stab me in the back? Ha!
I'll just turn around
Give your head a hefty smack
And force you to the ground
Let that tongue dangle
Beg, mope, and plea
I know your wretched angle
I was a Baptist, you see
I read my Bible daily
Had not a single toy
Then came my brother Jim
A fine and lovely man
Who made my heart happy
But not to the point of sin
My head may be abuzz
My legs dry and hairy
In new places I find fuzz
My diet lacks the dairy
Baptists are more clever
When they choose an attack
Machiavellian endeavors
Are never things they lack
Stab me in the back? Ha!
I'll just turn around
Give your head a hefty smack
And force you to the ground
Let that tongue dangle
Beg, mope, and plea
I know your wretched angle
I was a Baptist, you see
I once was Presby
But got a bible as a Christmas gift
Once I started reading it
I became a Baptist
But got a bible as a Christmas gift
Once I started reading it
I became a Baptist
Lincoln freed the slaves
Edwards freed the sinners
One was a president
The other a diviner
To switch from a man of God
To a president of men
Shows me one thing
Des is off the wagon again
Edwards freed the sinners
One was a president
The other a diviner
To switch from a man of God
To a president of men
Shows me one thing
Des is off the wagon again
Of my shifting avatar
Say what you wish
Mine are bland to fervent Calvinists
You sport a pink starfish
Say what you wish
Mine are bland to fervent Calvinists
You sport a pink starfish
A pink starfish
May not be the best of choice
But I wanted an avatar
Not used by other boys
Switching from a man of the cloth
To a president of men
Leads me to believe
You’re abusing the Lord’s table again
You don’t care
You do things your way
From orthodox teaching
You will continually stray
Beer and pretzels
On your church’s table
You will fill your belly
Then sleep in the stable
You sleep beside the sheep
No matter the stench
You will then go and weep
And confess your sins at the mourner’s bench
“I abused Thine’s stable”
You will readily admit
Then back to tavern you will go
And order a barrel of absinthe
May not be the best of choice
But I wanted an avatar
Not used by other boys
Switching from a man of the cloth
To a president of men
Leads me to believe
You’re abusing the Lord’s table again
You don’t care
You do things your way
From orthodox teaching
You will continually stray
Beer and pretzels
On your church’s table
You will fill your belly
Then sleep in the stable
You sleep beside the sheep
No matter the stench
You will then go and weep
And confess your sins at the mourner’s bench
“I abused Thine’s stable”
You will readily admit
Then back to tavern you will go
And order a barrel of absinthe
A Baptist and Presby
Got in a battle of biblical wits
The bystanders seemed all alarmed
They said that poor Presby is truly unarmed
Got in a battle of biblical wits
The bystanders seemed all alarmed
They said that poor Presby is truly unarmed
I need to jump ship
For the night, real soon
I will revel in this victory
While Des licks his wounds
For the night, real soon
I will revel in this victory
While Des licks his wounds
I see sweet Tinuviel
Being a spectator of people
Des & I discuss theology
She says “Here’s the church house, here’s the steeple.”
Being a spectator of people
Des & I discuss theology
She says “Here’s the church house, here’s the steeple.”
I awake from brief slumber
To see Sov's screed
A belly full of laughter
True joy to read
Tomorrow I'll be back
To throttle you once more
I don't mean most this swack
SovGrace I do adore
In a totally manly and non-homosexual way, of course.
To see Sov's screed
A belly full of laughter
True joy to read
Tomorrow I'll be back
To throttle you once more
I don't mean most this swack
SovGrace I do adore
In a totally manly and non-homosexual way, of course.
Slumber for the drunkard
Grog for the sot
Babies they took and immersed
Then slept like a baby on a cot
They teach those babies
Water will truly suffice
They soon go awry
And dunk them babies twice
Water and booze
Two things they adore
They will dunk 10,000 babies
And then scream for more
Babies are demons from the womb
They repeatedly proclaim
Dunking then once ain’t enough
Lets dunk’em again
Water for the babies
Booze for the Presbter
They go hand-in-hand
Their theology avers
Babies are doomed
In Presbyterian circles
That any of’em make adulthood
Is truly one of God’s miracles
Grog for the sot
Babies they took and immersed
Then slept like a baby on a cot
They teach those babies
Water will truly suffice
They soon go awry
And dunk them babies twice
Water and booze
Two things they adore
They will dunk 10,000 babies
And then scream for more
Babies are demons from the womb
They repeatedly proclaim
Dunking then once ain’t enough
Lets dunk’em again
Water for the babies
Booze for the Presbter
They go hand-in-hand
Their theology avers
Babies are doomed
In Presbyterian circles
That any of’em make adulthood
Is truly one of God’s miracles
I celebrate this women's day
With great and mighty pomp
From Rousey in the fray
To Conway in the swamp
Presby women are the best
Patient angels brewing coffee
Of that I can attest
And sing the praises lofty
Another woman I admire though
With biceps of steel
Expert in hammer throw
A core of righteous zeal
Who is this iron maiden?
It is the Baptist Mother
Herself heav'ly laden
By needs of another
She lifts corpulent kids
To get the shirks to school
Opens stubborn lids
To make the potluck gruel
With great and mighty pomp
From Rousey in the fray
To Conway in the swamp
Presby women are the best
Patient angels brewing coffee
Of that I can attest
And sing the praises lofty
Another woman I admire though
With biceps of steel
Expert in hammer throw
A core of righteous zeal
Who is this iron maiden?
It is the Baptist Mother
Herself heav'ly laden
By needs of another
She lifts corpulent kids
To get the shirks to school
Opens stubborn lids
To make the potluck gruel
The Baptist pistolero
Is a mighty shot
*bang* goes down the sparrow
*bang* the ocelot
He outshot Marty Robbins
Ventilated Josey Wales
Widows crowd in sod inns
And mourn his bloody trail
His confidence is visible
In his sprightly swagger
All threats seem risible
When his hand's upon the trigger
But there's a hitch, you see
He's good with a revolver
Des hefts his AR-15
Sov rests with cannon fodder
Is a mighty shot
*bang* goes down the sparrow
*bang* the ocelot
He outshot Marty Robbins
Ventilated Josey Wales
Widows crowd in sod inns
And mourn his bloody trail
His confidence is visible
In his sprightly swagger
All threats seem risible
When his hand's upon the trigger
But there's a hitch, you see
He's good with a revolver
Des hefts his AR-15
Sov rests with cannon fodder