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Hi all,
I am a Christian who is diagnosed with a few things, including PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I am not writing this to try and speak for anyone other than for myself. If someone wishes to think I am trying to change the world's way of thinking with this one post, that is your opinion and you are welcome to it.
For me, this disability is tough. Unlike someone who is has no arms, or someone who is paralyzed and in a wheelchair, my disability is invisible to the casual observer. I am reminded of a quote from another person who has PTSD, "If it were possible, I would gladly have exchanged my limbs for a healed brain". With a loss of a limb, there are prosthetic and non-prosthetic options available; for the injured brain it is much less simple.
New Year's Eve is never an easy time for me. The firecrackers and fireworks can trigger me, but when people discharge firearms that gets me DEEPLY triggered. There was a wonderful Christian sister who, even though she was far and away from me geographically, was doing her best to be supportive of me during my this time. I've had people do this before many times. Typically what happens is they hear what I have to say but do not acknowledge it. They substitute the truth of what I am going through with their ideal of what should be happening. That is almost as bad as telling someone who's clothes are burning that they are not on fire, the only person who gets burned is getting burned more during the conversation. It is tough to be able for me to cope with the triggering my PTSD gets from someone firing a small-bore (such as a .22 caliber); and it is easy for someone who is not in my skin to offer a cliche, a platitude, or a judgment. This is the easiest thing in the world for someone to do when they don't know what else to do. It hurts though. Then I am faced with a decision, do I wish to hurt the person who is trying to help by telling them that instead of helping they are adding to the hurt? Or, do I wish to hurt the person who is trying to help by pretending what they are doing is helpful as I fall deeper in to a crisis? Or, do I wish to detach from that person and deal with the triggering of my PTSD on my own? Nothing is really a good scenario.
The main question I ask myself is this "Which is the least of the no-win scenarios for me?" And, "Which of the bad options will be least likely to end me up being suicidal?"
This is like a never-ending cycle. I accept someone reaching out to me in good faith, but when they find that what they think works for me only works for me in their mind, then they either get hurt or angry or indignant or pass judgment on me.
My heart aches knowing that there is a Christian sister that is emotionally hurt by the fact that I was not able to receive her attempts to support. So I go back to the never-ending cycle. With this never-ending cycle, I am learning more as time goes by to lean on the Lord in the lonely times. With this existential inner isolation, sometimes the only thing that keeps me from ending my own life is my faith in Jesus Christ and the assurance that He will heal me of all my afflictions in His timing. Whether His timing means on this side of Heaven or not I don't know.
So I go back to life as I know it....
living with the battle within my mind,
being misunderstood by so many people,
being judged wrongly by so many people,
being told I'm not really saved because of my PTSD,
but as well, I go back to.....
continuing to seek God's will, way, and timing in all things,
growing in my relationship with Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior daily,
laughing in spite of hurting so bad on the inside,
sharing God's love with anyone I come across as best as I can,
extending grace to those who hurt me physically or emotionally,
and hoping that grace can be extended to me by those who have been hurt from my and my PTSD.
I will end this with a very meaningful quote.
"Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." --- J.M. Barrie
God bless you one and all,
"Doggy"
PS: I felt led to share my original thoughts on this. This post is a first draft, I have no proof-read or edited it; these are my unpolished and unfiltered thoughts and feelings, for what it's worth. Blessings, woof
I am a Christian who is diagnosed with a few things, including PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I am not writing this to try and speak for anyone other than for myself. If someone wishes to think I am trying to change the world's way of thinking with this one post, that is your opinion and you are welcome to it.
For me, this disability is tough. Unlike someone who is has no arms, or someone who is paralyzed and in a wheelchair, my disability is invisible to the casual observer. I am reminded of a quote from another person who has PTSD, "If it were possible, I would gladly have exchanged my limbs for a healed brain". With a loss of a limb, there are prosthetic and non-prosthetic options available; for the injured brain it is much less simple.
New Year's Eve is never an easy time for me. The firecrackers and fireworks can trigger me, but when people discharge firearms that gets me DEEPLY triggered. There was a wonderful Christian sister who, even though she was far and away from me geographically, was doing her best to be supportive of me during my this time. I've had people do this before many times. Typically what happens is they hear what I have to say but do not acknowledge it. They substitute the truth of what I am going through with their ideal of what should be happening. That is almost as bad as telling someone who's clothes are burning that they are not on fire, the only person who gets burned is getting burned more during the conversation. It is tough to be able for me to cope with the triggering my PTSD gets from someone firing a small-bore (such as a .22 caliber); and it is easy for someone who is not in my skin to offer a cliche, a platitude, or a judgment. This is the easiest thing in the world for someone to do when they don't know what else to do. It hurts though. Then I am faced with a decision, do I wish to hurt the person who is trying to help by telling them that instead of helping they are adding to the hurt? Or, do I wish to hurt the person who is trying to help by pretending what they are doing is helpful as I fall deeper in to a crisis? Or, do I wish to detach from that person and deal with the triggering of my PTSD on my own? Nothing is really a good scenario.
The main question I ask myself is this "Which is the least of the no-win scenarios for me?" And, "Which of the bad options will be least likely to end me up being suicidal?"
This is like a never-ending cycle. I accept someone reaching out to me in good faith, but when they find that what they think works for me only works for me in their mind, then they either get hurt or angry or indignant or pass judgment on me.
My heart aches knowing that there is a Christian sister that is emotionally hurt by the fact that I was not able to receive her attempts to support. So I go back to the never-ending cycle. With this never-ending cycle, I am learning more as time goes by to lean on the Lord in the lonely times. With this existential inner isolation, sometimes the only thing that keeps me from ending my own life is my faith in Jesus Christ and the assurance that He will heal me of all my afflictions in His timing. Whether His timing means on this side of Heaven or not I don't know.
So I go back to life as I know it....
living with the battle within my mind,
being misunderstood by so many people,
being judged wrongly by so many people,
being told I'm not really saved because of my PTSD,
but as well, I go back to.....
continuing to seek God's will, way, and timing in all things,
growing in my relationship with Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior daily,
laughing in spite of hurting so bad on the inside,
sharing God's love with anyone I come across as best as I can,
extending grace to those who hurt me physically or emotionally,
and hoping that grace can be extended to me by those who have been hurt from my and my PTSD.
I will end this with a very meaningful quote.
"Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." --- J.M. Barrie
God bless you one and all,
"Doggy"
PS: I felt led to share my original thoughts on this. This post is a first draft, I have no proof-read or edited it; these are my unpolished and unfiltered thoughts and feelings, for what it's worth. Blessings, woof