Putting the Christian in Christian Dating

[Kojikun]

My favorite part was the last line, about being miserable. If I am single and not miserable, am I doing something wrong?

Maybe I should be eating more celery. I never have been real big on celery. Eating a lot of celery would probably make me miserable.

Funny stuff. It's as if Christian's should live happy and care free lives with no stress or interruptions. As we know the bible says nothing about us suffering for the cause. The 420 part did give me chuckle. Not the most creative troll name

 

[Subhumanoidal]

I'm guessing trollgirl420 won't last long.

 

[zeroturbulence]

 

[Raney]

• What is your most unbiblical or outrageous experience of Christian dating or advice (because there have to be some entertaining stories out there)?
• How does being a Christian change the way you approach (and treat) people you're interested in / dating ?
• How do you balance the idea that sex should be reserved for marriage with a sex drive that's ready to go just a few dates in? How do you honestly deal with that tension in a relationship without increasing temptation?
• What do you do if you have been dating someone from your church and then break up? How does a Christian act in such circumstances? If this is your friend going through it, how should we all respond as a church family?
• What involvement should your community / church family have in your dating life?
• How do we keep our expectations in line with our faith, but not hold all potential dates to the impossible standard of "perfect Christian partner"?
• How should dating advice and standards change for someone who is 35+ instead of someone who is college age (because seriously so many Christian dating resources are clearly created for the young singles who just haven't married yet)?
• What else do you think is relevant to the conversation?

These are all very good questions/points, I have often wondered myself since I came to God in 2011 and left a very abusive relationship. I am grateful God opened my eyes and gave me the strength to walk away, though it wasn't easy by any means. Anyhoo, after some time when I felt I would be ready to date again, I wanted to know what is it like to date in God, (which I am still learning and trying to figure that one out myself).

Here are some of my observations and what I have learned:

One scripture that always comes to the forefront with me is 2 Corinthians 6:14 KJV

"Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?"

What I have found is that just because someone is Christian does not mean you are equally yoked. There are so many different denominations and doctrines all under the title of Christian. ( I am not saying anything against any of them/ nor wanting to argue on the semantics of that, just making a point.)

So, first I would say you have to know where your own walk in God is and ask yourself if you would be okay dating/marrying someone outside of your particular doctrine of the Christian faith. Ideally, your partner should be someone who loves and values God the same way you do so that you can both grow together in God. We are all at different stages in our walk with God, I would also think a potential partner would be at about the same level as you are in that walk, so as to avoid any disparaging remarks/feelings in the relationship. This isn't dictated by the number of years they have been in Christ either. We all grow at different stages and rates, as an example, I know some who have been in Christ for 30 years yet are still on the milk of the word, while others can only have been in God a short while and are into the meat.

Another point that has been brought to my attention was to never date a "baby" in God, (a new Christian), give them at least a year, so they have time to get some solid roots planted before potentially confusing things for them, it is never good to become a stumbling block. I mean it's already confusing for us on how we should date in God, someone just coming out of the world will still have much of the worldview on dating.

I would say from viewing others at my church who have dated then married. I saw that they first focused on being friends, (no dating at this point), and then when that mutual desire to get to know each other more, they courted instead of dated. Once they decided they did want to get married, they had a very short engagement. This seems to be a great way for Christians to go about "dating", just about every married couple at my church did it this way and most all of them have been married for a long time (30 plus yrs).

So really as Christians instead of dating (which has no commitment to marriage), we should be Courting instead. This in itself should help with the whole sex before marriage, a courtship does not need to be long and the following engagement should be short as well, no need to wait a whole year or more to get married.

We should also be focused on God first, looking for fellowship and friendship of other Christians, from that a potential partner may be found in God's time. When we put God first the rest will follow.

“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33 KJV

As for our expectations, first, we should look at ourselves, then try to find someone who is on that same path we are on. None of us are perfect, and we can all stumble in our walk. We should hold each other up in prayer instead of judging. We all have the same end goal in mind and we are not racing with others, in fact, the more we can get to cross that finish line the better.

"And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye." Matthew 7:3-5 KJV

 

[Raney]

Counter point is how many couples do you see getting together in scripture and what was their courtship process? Usually it's not well described especially the initial stages. Many other times, so much of the Bible taking place in the cultural context it did it was a business negotiation between parents or something along the lines of: "Man has power. Man sees attractive woman and takes her (sometimes as wife and sometimes first as sexual partner (whether she wants it or not) and then later as wife/concubine (and sometimes powerful man had quite a few of them at once)"

So if you're anti dating, how do you suggest all those Christian young people who want to get married and create stable healthy Christian families find each other and get to the point of picking a spouse? Because I'll agree that there's no reason Christians have to date like the world dates, but so far the Christian community has been woefully silent on viable alternatives (coming from what could be called the courtship generation, that seemed to not work at all as so many of us are either single or no longer in church (or maybe some are both).

Well friendship first, going to church and community activities together, volunteer, and spending time with each other's families are some ideas. If worried about the temptation when out on a "date" have a chaperone, or find a group of friends, double "date" etc... These can be considered somewhat old fashion ideals for today, but really it's more about creating a wholesome environment to get to know each other better with our Christian values in mind.

 

[Lynx]

Well friendship first, going to church and community activities together, volunteer, and spending time with each other's families are some ideas. If worried about the temptation when out on a "date" have a chaperone, or find a group of friends, double "date" etc... These can be considered somewhat old fashion ideals for today, but really it's more about creating a wholesome environment to get to know each other better with our Christian values in mind.

Having a duenna along is also handy to curtail gossip. Call it indemnity duty.

"Hey we're wanting to catch that new movie this Saturday night. You up for indemnity patrol?"

If one of you has a younger sibling or cousin, that would be ideal. The kid gets a free meal or movie and nobody can legitimately gossip about what you two might have been doing together.

 

[Lanolin]

yea I dont agree that just going out with someone who is also a christian automatically means you will marry them.

There needs to be some actual courting involved if someone is serious about you and wants to set up house and have a family. For women you are going to have a whole lot of inlaws if you marry and you better get along with at least some of them cos its not JUST the man that you are marrying.

 

[Lanolin]

alhthough strangely, in the Bible, its the son that leaves his mother to go to his wife, not the daughter being given away by the dad as tradition has it.