J
Jordache
Guest
So Im not even sure what I'm asking prayer for except for that which the HS leads. I've been told I'm strong, but I feel weak and lame. I'm incredibly sensitive to the point that it damages the way I relate to people. I'm even more analytical to the point that I get stuck in my brain, emotionless, and usually end up coming to a damaging conclusion.
Several months ago I was placed into an accountability relationship. Because I have a very difficult time with women, this was not an easy choice for me to make. However, over the months, I faced the terror I felt having to meet with this woman head on and I never missed a meeting. I was as honest as I could be even to being humbled enough to admit my own lack of humility. Wrap your head around that one. I believe that many of us come to places where we simply don't want to do the right thing... Whatever it is. However, in that place the best thing to do is pray that Gods will would be your own and be willing to be willing. If that's all you can give, it's a start.
So last week this woman asked me some poignant questions where I had to exonerated brutally honest with my own unrighteousness. It was good. As hard as it was, I was honest about my own lack of humility but my desire also to find that humility to submit. I added something's which I should not have said. While I meant them only to bring clarity, they struck a sore spot in her. So without further discussion she declared me a lost cause and told me there was no reason for us to meet anymore. She has every right to respond hurt. My words, though intended for good, were insensitive. I cannot blame her for being hurt. However she will not even give me the time of day. She admitted that I probably didn't mean what she read but refused to allow me to explain.
FAST FORWARD
Lets call it a mother wound. Some of you recovery minded Christians will recognize the terminology. Yes I have a mother wound. Today I non-challantly decided to do a little light reading "Healing the Wounded Soul". Aren't I bright? My bf went to see his boss so I sat in the hospital cafeteria for 3 hrs reading. One thing dawned on me that never had before, and it sort stirred in me for hours. What my mother did to me growing up is legally considered psychological sexual abuse! Now to call her a narcissist, a misogynist, an addict, pschizophrenic, bipolar, or a few other things is all too common for me. But to realize what she did was actually sexual abuse was a llittle shocking. Add in that for the past several weeks my bf has been very concerned with how much affect my family (mostly my mother) has on my life 500 miles away, and my struggle to figure out what my relationship with them is supposed to be, and you get a whole lot of crazy Jordache. Because of my family dynamics I have not been able to talk to my mother in several weeks. She lives with my grandparents and and weapons baring alcoholic cousin who threatens to kill them at least once a week. And everyone I call she attempts to drag me in. Whether or not she actually succeeds, I am left in mild to moderate turmoil for days afterward trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do.
Too it off with me finally being happy for once in my life, finding a good stable man, figuring at least some of my life out, and attemptin to become who I am supposed to be, and I cannot share anything with her. At this point, my once mentor is not available anymore either. To put it boldly, I feel alone. Am I? No. But it doesn't change my feelings.
After struggling through some cooking today I sat down on my bed because all I wanted to do was call my mom and share my joys with her. My bf has been on disability for several weeks and out of a contract and out of the blue he got a contract at the very hospital he loves to work at. I get to go the Dodger game this Saturday and then watch alive afterwards at the stadium. My bf's son was at fireworks show where all the fireworks malfunctioned and several people got hurt badly. He was fine. My best friend went on a bachelorette party, blew a tire, rolled the car twice, and out of 6 girls the worst injury was a 1/4 in scratch. I'm getting insurance finally! Etc...
I sat and prayed. But after about 10 minutes my bf ccame in to check on me. He asked what was wrong and allowed me to speak. I was certainly ok as far as I deem ok whiu for others may be somewhere in between about to jjump off a cliff and about to burst into tears. However, he's intuitive enough (or observant) that he sat there trying to figure out what he could do. "Do you want me to pray for you?" Of course! So he did, with that straightforward childlike prayer. I'm good at proving my vocabulary in prayer. He just stays simple, but it was what I needed.
Several months ago I was placed into an accountability relationship. Because I have a very difficult time with women, this was not an easy choice for me to make. However, over the months, I faced the terror I felt having to meet with this woman head on and I never missed a meeting. I was as honest as I could be even to being humbled enough to admit my own lack of humility. Wrap your head around that one. I believe that many of us come to places where we simply don't want to do the right thing... Whatever it is. However, in that place the best thing to do is pray that Gods will would be your own and be willing to be willing. If that's all you can give, it's a start.
So last week this woman asked me some poignant questions where I had to exonerated brutally honest with my own unrighteousness. It was good. As hard as it was, I was honest about my own lack of humility but my desire also to find that humility to submit. I added something's which I should not have said. While I meant them only to bring clarity, they struck a sore spot in her. So without further discussion she declared me a lost cause and told me there was no reason for us to meet anymore. She has every right to respond hurt. My words, though intended for good, were insensitive. I cannot blame her for being hurt. However she will not even give me the time of day. She admitted that I probably didn't mean what she read but refused to allow me to explain.
FAST FORWARD
Lets call it a mother wound. Some of you recovery minded Christians will recognize the terminology. Yes I have a mother wound. Today I non-challantly decided to do a little light reading "Healing the Wounded Soul". Aren't I bright? My bf went to see his boss so I sat in the hospital cafeteria for 3 hrs reading. One thing dawned on me that never had before, and it sort stirred in me for hours. What my mother did to me growing up is legally considered psychological sexual abuse! Now to call her a narcissist, a misogynist, an addict, pschizophrenic, bipolar, or a few other things is all too common for me. But to realize what she did was actually sexual abuse was a llittle shocking. Add in that for the past several weeks my bf has been very concerned with how much affect my family (mostly my mother) has on my life 500 miles away, and my struggle to figure out what my relationship with them is supposed to be, and you get a whole lot of crazy Jordache. Because of my family dynamics I have not been able to talk to my mother in several weeks. She lives with my grandparents and and weapons baring alcoholic cousin who threatens to kill them at least once a week. And everyone I call she attempts to drag me in. Whether or not she actually succeeds, I am left in mild to moderate turmoil for days afterward trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do.
Too it off with me finally being happy for once in my life, finding a good stable man, figuring at least some of my life out, and attemptin to become who I am supposed to be, and I cannot share anything with her. At this point, my once mentor is not available anymore either. To put it boldly, I feel alone. Am I? No. But it doesn't change my feelings.
After struggling through some cooking today I sat down on my bed because all I wanted to do was call my mom and share my joys with her. My bf has been on disability for several weeks and out of a contract and out of the blue he got a contract at the very hospital he loves to work at. I get to go the Dodger game this Saturday and then watch alive afterwards at the stadium. My bf's son was at fireworks show where all the fireworks malfunctioned and several people got hurt badly. He was fine. My best friend went on a bachelorette party, blew a tire, rolled the car twice, and out of 6 girls the worst injury was a 1/4 in scratch. I'm getting insurance finally! Etc...
I sat and prayed. But after about 10 minutes my bf ccame in to check on me. He asked what was wrong and allowed me to speak. I was certainly ok as far as I deem ok whiu for others may be somewhere in between about to jjump off a cliff and about to burst into tears. However, he's intuitive enough (or observant) that he sat there trying to figure out what he could do. "Do you want me to pray for you?" Of course! So he did, with that straightforward childlike prayer. I'm good at proving my vocabulary in prayer. He just stays simple, but it was what I needed.
