Request for friends

[PeterJames]

Hello, this might be a slightly odd request for friends. Please allow me to explain.

About all last week, the left side of my mouth was *killing* me, a throbbing pain which I've never really experienced before. My guess was sinus allergies, it just wouldn't stop and sometimes massages and peppermint tea might make it go away for 5 minutes, only to come back stronger. Seemed to get worse from day to day. Right now, I'm just experiencing some pain in my gums ... but a whole heck of lot better than staring at a computer screen wanting to saw the other side of my face off!

Thursday night when I went to bed, I was just laying there with this throbbing. (Don't worry, the FRIENDS part will get in here shortly! Then I realized; I hadn't really prayed in a very long time in my Christian life. I am a 'supposed' Bible teacher at church, take classes at seminary, deacon at church, and so forth.

So I earnestly prayed to God; the theological side of me says "Can't make deals with God, God is not someone to be trifled with. He wants obedience from us with a pure heart, can't make deals with God." However, the pain on the left side of my face was begging God for healing right at that very moment.

So this is what I said to God [paraphrasing my thoughts as I remember them]. I said 'God, you know me and how sinful I am. You know that I've disrespected women because I'm addicted to porn on line, I am married, have kept this secret for so long. You know also I have a longing desire for friendship that never seems fulfilled, and that I have made an idol in my heart out of all of these things. Plus I always want a 'sister' friend which maybe separation anxiety from being so young, I don't know. But you know that I can't have a sister and need to be thankful for everything I have in you. So I am committing to you right now to turn my back forever on my porn habit, to learn to respect women the right way, and to get back to serving you and I will do this whether or not you heal the left side of my face or not. And I ask that you would heal the left side of my face from this throbbing.' [After which I imagined Jesus next to me giving me a very big bear hug which was basically me holding the pillow and imagining what it would be like to be held by His nail pierced hands. I know, sounds weird. But it helps me sometimes.]

I fell asleep and woke up. The left side of my face was no longer throbbing! My teeth are still a little sensitive from a recent cleaning and my gums are a little sensitive, but they seem to get better day by day. But no more throbbing! Hallelujah! God gave me a wonderful gift that I truly didn't deserve.

Now it's like this; I don't want to disappoint God and in thanksgiving for taking that throbbing away - I really want to serve Him with a pure heart. Unfortunately, I am a social creature needing friendship and the like. But I want to have this friendship as a godly part of life; I want purity of heart. There are already friendly interactions I have with Catholic Christians at work (though I'm not Catholic), and I just want to infuse more meaning in those friendships by avoiding sin at all cost.

So, I am seeking your prayers for my life and if you wish to be a friend - that would be great! Thank you for taking the time to read this. God Bless - Peter James

 

[Deror]

Hi there...
I'm a bit reluctant to post but then we are regenerated in Christ and I shouldn't be wary speaking to a brother in Christ... It's like family now, I'm your sister in Christ and so let's see one another in that way.. So, no weirdness right

Hope it's ok to share some thoughts upon reading your post:

1) something about, "lest your prayers be hindered..." About treating wives.... (Hope it's not Inappropriate for me to say that.. *worried*)

2) Also have you heard of Covenant eyes? Thats all I feel comfortable saying cos maybe it's a man to man thing to discuss with other men..

3) Plus, you're likely not the only deacon having some kind of issue, so it's probable that you're not alone in the struggle... It's likely that every one of us is battling something but God is Faithful and I believe Jesus can complete the good work He began in His people.. It's awesome you want a pure heart... What does it say in The Beatitudes about the pure in Heart...??

4) my fam are Catholic, please pray for them??? Thanks if you do

5) something about the first commandment, and to keep it in your mind, heart and all your muchness throughout your life's journey... I've been reminded, and learning anew that keeping the Greatest commandment in mind, and heart, helps keep us on course... It's an ongoing thing though, just like,life... Every new day we've got another chance to serve Him.. Yet His mercies are new each day.

all the best to you and your wife in Jesus name, from a sister in Christ - family in Jesus

God bless your journey with Him and God bless your gums in Jesus name.
P.S. Will be praying!!

 

[PeterJames]

Thank you for your kind message in the knowledge that all believers are family of each other, being one in Christ.

1. You are right; I don't know how many times my wife herself has physical pain in her body, etc. and I always think the same thing to myself. "If I was holy, I might be able to ask God to heal her, but forget it - He doesn't want to listen to me right now."

2. I would like to find a male accountability partner, yes. And someone who will stand up to me when I make excuses.

3 to 5 - Thank you so much; I have prayed for you and your family that Christ Jesus would be real to you. And thank you for the encouraging words about the pure in heart; I'm not there yet. But how wonderful will it be when I can look at other people with the pure heart and love of Jesus. I hope you have an awesome day, thanks for writing!

Hi there...
I'm a bit reluctant to post but then we are regenerated in Christ and I shouldn't be wary speaking to a brother in Christ... It's like family now, I'm your sister in Christ and so let's see one another in that way.. So, no weirdness right

Hope it's ok to share some thoughts upon reading your post:

1) something about, "lest your prayers be hindered..." About treating wives.... (Hope it's not Inappropriate for me to say that.. *worried*)

2) Also have you heard of Covenant eyes? Thats all I feel comfortable saying cos maybe it's a man to man thing to discuss with other men..

3) Plus, you're likely not the only deacon having some kind of issue, so it's probable that you're not alone in the struggle... It's likely that every one of us is battling something but God is Faithful and I believe Jesus can complete the good work He began in His people.. It's awesome you want a pure heart... What does it say in The Beatitudes about the pure in Heart...??

4) my fam are Catholic, please pray for them??? Thanks if you do

5) something about the first commandment, and to keep it in your mind, heart and all your muchness throughout your life's journey... I've been reminded, and learning anew that keeping the Greatest commandment in mind, and heart, helps keep us on course... It's an ongoing thing though, just like,life... Every new day we've got another chance to serve Him.. Yet His mercies are new each day.

all the best to you and your wife in Jesus name, from a sister in Christ - family in Jesus

God bless your journey with Him and God bless your gums in Jesus name.
P.S. Will be praying!!

 

[Deror]

Hi, Thanks ever so much for praying for my family...

RE: 1) Hope I didn't sound shaming... That wasn't my intention.. To shame, I think it's awesome you want to stop and be free... I just remembered another resource - https://fightthenewdrug.org/overview/ and it provides peer reviewed research on how th brain is affected... As an addiction.. Really hope it helps... And maybe you'll glean an understanding as to what's happening when you stop.... That's all I better share cos I'm worried I'm overstepping a line here... Just wanted to share the thing about the changes in the brain, as with all addictions.... For your insight. God Bless you.

RE: " If I was holy... God listening..." Thank goodness Jesus is our covering so we can approach God.

RE: The holiness issue... Well all I know is that I'm His workmanship and its Jesus at work within me to make me more like Him (hopefully!!) same with purity, that's His doing too I believe... I believe I only need to believe and co-operate / obey... And He will do His good work... Unfortunately, sometimes I take 1 step,forward and 2 steps back but He is Faithful, and I believe He does hear sincere hearts - as for pure in heart,,, for sure I ain't there yet either, lol... But again, His workmanship... His good work. Not my own....

Yeah !!! Looking at people with Jesus eyes new eyes

So please keep going in Jesus, by His Spirit.. Stay close to Him and Be blessed by Him.

Oh yes, that's why I wanted to write back... There's lots of evidence to show that porn facilitates the sex trafficking industry and global slavery.. So, again, not said to shame, absolutely not, I think it's amazing when men wanna be free of this - just wanted to highlight the connection to the porn industry and the sex slavery industry...

God Bless you and your wife mightily in Jesus name !!!

 

[lightbearer]

....as I fell asleep and woke up. The left side of my face was no longer throbbing! My teeth are still a little sensitive from a recent cleaning and my gums are a little sensitive, but they seem to get better day by day. But no more throbbing! Hallelujah! God gave me a wonderful gift that I truly didn't deserve.


So, I am seeking your prayers for my life and if you wish to be a friend - that would be great! Thank you for taking the time to read this. God Bless - Peter James

Thanks for the testimony! It would be an honor and privilege to pray for you.

 

[soberxp]

pray for you

 

[oldethennew]

I think you should confess your faults to your fellow churchmen and leave
where you've placed yourself, as in your addiction, you would naturally be
'lusting after women/children who are there seeking their 'safe-place'
with God and others that they believe are sincerely worshipping...

get yourself into 'Christian counseling' fast, and don't use the Church to hide in,
you are spiritually/physically on dangerous ground...

praying for your wife and for your deliverance from this wicked world...

 

[Depleted]

Counter thought/different-direction thought. (Not to be confused with a scold, haughtiness, or nagging.)

What's up with your wife? You have one. Why doesn't she rate as friend/sister/confidante?

My best friend is my hubby. He's also my closest family. Don't want to go with the "he's like a brother to me" angle too far, because ew ew! But he's closer to me than my parents, brothers, or sister ever were. Probably because I've lived with him longer, and don't have that constant need to strike out on my own that I had back when I was a kid, but that kind of "he's family." He really is.

You seem to be departmentalizing your wife as if she doesn't count. Possibly a side effect of hiding a part of you from her for so long maybe? (And, don't be too surprised if she actually knows you like porn. Not exactly sure how husbands think they're hiding that. )

You've got a really good friend. Or, if she isn't yet, she could be. You're married to her.

And personal experience? Spouses make the best, albeit most annoying, accountability partners.

 

[PeterJames]

I think you should confess your faults to your fellow churchmen and leave
where you've placed yourself, as in your addiction, you would naturally be
'lusting after women/children who are there seeking their 'safe-place'
with God and others that they believe are sincerely worshipping...

get yourself into 'Christian counseling' fast, and don't use the Church to hide in,
you are spiritually/physically on dangerous ground...

praying for your wife and for your deliverance from this wicked world...

Thanks for your advice, 'oldethenew'.

But I'm offended you think my porn addiction is the same as calling me a pedo, and am not in agreement with it.

Thank you for opinion nonetheless, but no thank you. - Peter James

 

[PeterJames]

Thank you Depleted; my wife is my best friend and I would want to work with her on being sister/confidante.

But let me put in some background. I was adopted at a very young age, and I can't prove it, but I believe I've been separated from siblings. For whatever reason, when I was single, when I've been married, or whenever - I've always felt like there is something or someone more in my family. There are absolutely no records whatsoever in the country of my origin to complete the investigative work, but I believe I have experienced separation anxiety. It's the only things that makes sense to me no matter what; even when I was young, I sensed relationships that were more than met the eye. My Mom and Dad said to me 'We've got something to tell you' and I said 'I've got a half brother' and my Mom was like, 'how did you know?' I said, I didn't really know - except I knew.

Now, could I be deceived to the detriment of my marriage? Sure, I could be. The devil could have decided to take this weakness of mine and pick and pick and pick at it until I was easy bait for his porn scheme. And that is always at the back of my mind.

But in the words of Monk, "I could be wrong now ... but I don't think so ..." The separation anxiety from losing a sibling when I was so young (and the fact that I actually had a dream about having a sister when I was still a teenager) all tells me there is something more to the story.

Having said all of that: **I am in complete agreement with you** that Jesus (not a spouse or another human being) should be my all in all and that He has provided my wife to be a confidant in this life. So I am willing to do what I can to be content with what God has given me ... even if the empty feelings in my heart do not completely disappear.

My wife is aware of my struggles for many many years since the first year of marriage, though we have not spoken about it recently. I have made a commitment to the Lord not to go back whether He heals me physically or not; so far I have kept that commitment, I just need to know what to do when the empty feelings come creeping back to me. I did have 6 months of intense counseling at Pure Life Ministries back in 1999-2000 and that has had a large effect on my life.

For me, porn addiction lies in the fact that one can have a relationship with another woman without the need to actually build a relationship. It's completely and totally wrong, and I have promised the Lord not to return to it. I'm not sure my wife would make the best accountability partner, though. We did try it, but it was extremely difficult for her and I'm not going to press it on her as a requirement.

Thank you though for talking with me about it, I feel refreshed that I'm heading in the right direction. I want my wife and I to be extremely close and I will do what it takes to bring it about.

Counter thought/different-direction thought. (Not to be confused with a scold, haughtiness, or nagging.)

What's up with your wife? You have one. Why doesn't she rate as friend/sister/confidante?

My best friend is my hubby. He's also my closest family. Don't want to go with the "he's like a brother to me" angle too far, because ew ew! But he's closer to me than my parents, brothers, or sister ever were. Probably because I've lived with him longer, and don't have that constant need to strike out on my own that I had back when I was a kid, but that kind of "he's family." He really is.

You seem to be departmentalizing your wife as if she doesn't count. Possibly a side effect of hiding a part of you from her for so long maybe? (And, don't be too surprised if she actually knows you like porn. Not exactly sure how husbands think they're hiding that.)

You've got a really good friend. Or, if she isn't yet, she could be. You're married to her.

And personal experience? Spouses make the best, albeit most annoying, accountability partners.

 

[PeterJames]

UPDATE:

I wanted to update people on this. I confessed the entirety of my struggles to my wife, difficult as it was. I totally and completely agree that she is my best friend, now my accountability partner and confidant.

I am going through the Steps to Freedom in Christ with Neil Anderson/Scott Goss. The last time I fell was slightly before the last time we had communion (June 3). Our next communion will be July 8th and I intend to continue being free not by my power and might, but by the Lord's.

Thank you all for praying for my sinuses and gums as well. It turns out one of my teeth cracked and festered an awful infection which exhibited symptoms like sinus allergies. It has been removed (yesterday) and it now on the mends, though I have to decide if I want a fake tooth or denture or what I want to do.

And for those of you that gave my advice that I disagreed and rejected (Oldthenew). But the fact is, you were much righter than I was; I am on a new path now. Not going to seek satisfaction in the things of the world, but of the things of God.

 

[oldethennew]

PJ,

hub and I always love to hear 'good-news' accompanied by 'good-works'...

and thank you, we do consider you as a 'friend'...

 

[PeterJames]

PJ,

hub and I always love to hear 'good-news' accompanied by 'good-works'...

and thank you, we do consider you as a 'friend'...

We may not be able to properly develop friendships in this life and sometimes the devil picks at our perceived 'loneliness' as a way to bring error to us. It is hard and difficult to accept when you are in the middle of an addiction, but a friend can be a friend if you only talk to them once in your life.

Because of Christ's cross, however, we are a part of God's family. When we reach the heavenly city, we will have eternity to enjoy His presence and the presence of His saints and find lasting satisfaction in Him. Now, through established boundaries - we can encourage each other that Christ is our Holy Friend for all eternity and that if He has blessed us with a spouse - He has blessed us with a holy gift.