Round two begins

  • Thread starter Thread starter Jordache
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Jordache

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I want to die everyday. My arrogant sin is that I truly believe that even though God created me if He really knew me He would be done. I feel like a Jezebel. I feel like a danger to men. Why? Nothing really logical. I don't dress particularly immodestly. I'm not a professional flirt. I don't do anything particularly seductive. I just feel like my existence makes me dangerous to men. I have men in my life who would tell me if I was doing something like that. I ask them about my clothes or how I act, and they say I'm not dangerous. So it's really not logical. I guess I just feel like I make people do bad things. To put it bluntly, I existed and therefore, I made my dad rape me. Do I know it's not true? Of course! But in my core, this is what I believe. For this and other reasons, I don't want to live. I cut myself up last Thursday. I pierced myself 100's of times with lancets. And the more I bled, the better I felt. That is what I look like: hideous and scarred. I promised my counselor not to do it for several days and I didn't keep my promise. Instead, on Saturday I taped all my lancets and penlets together and handed them over to my friend. Problem solved, right? Wrong! It didn't change how I feel. It just made me more desperate and frustrated. I could think of 10,000 more ways to hurt myself, and of course I'm falling right back in with purging and weight obsession. Is this good enough? Is that good enough? How small can I get?
I try to get help. I need to sleep, and I can't. If I do, it's fitful. Last night was a "good" night for me. I laid down at midnight. I tossed and turned for two hours. I finally went to the couch. I started panicking but somehow calmed down and fell asleep. I woke up at 3 for 15 minutes wondering what was in the room with me. I woke up at 4:30 ready to jump out of my skin. I was up for about a half hour (which is amazing). I woke up at 6 wide eyed. I laid in bed until 7 and I got up. So in all I got 3 hours of sleep. Then today in my anxious panic I'm ready to go running.
 
Jordache what you are feeling is normal for what you have been through, but how long are you gonna let this control you?
As long as you let it you,ll never get peace, I pray father take this from her, heal her emotionally, spiiritually and physically
Mabe you can minister to those someday who have been through the same thing, I know lots of women who have overcame
through Jesus, ask him to take this from you, that you do not want it and to set you free, use those times to cry out to him,
Father give her your peace that passes all understanding and joy unspeakable
God bless You
In Jesus name
 
I believe a reason why a lot of this isn't helping is that you say you 'know' that these certain thoughts aren't true, but you don't truly believe. You can say 'i know' til you're blue in the face, but if you don't internalize it and take it as fact, not just knowing, then you'll keep fooling yourself into thinking you're progressing. Some cognitive therapy, especially with the bible, would probably help to start going from knowing to believing. Hunt down as many scriptures as you can find that are positive, encouraging. Write or print them out individually. Start putting them up in places you'll see and will stick out from you. Maybe one on your bathroom mirror. Or one inside a kitchen cabinet you use often. On and in the fridge. Taped to a lamp next to where you sit. On the lid of your laptop. Get creative. And each time you see one, say it out loud to yourself. And not just say it, but try to internalize it. It takes time, it won't happen magically in a week or two. It took years to get you to where you're at, and could take years to remove you, but you can at least start making improvements. I hope this idea helps some.
 
Dear God please heal her and give her your peace as only You can. In Jesus name we pray. amen.

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNi3JRWiZJg[/video]
 
I am in therapy with a Christian therapist. This is hard for many reasons none of which have to do with me not trying. My abuse began began I could speak. Part of te process of healing is going back to the time of your abuse, gaining your voice, and objecting to the abuse. The problem is, I was too young to speak then.
I do have verses all over the place. I carry them with me. I do say them, but my feelings are the same.
 
don't place much trust in my feelings personally.

have you gained your voice? have you objected to the abuse?

or do you still blame yourself and believe its your fault?
 
jesus is the answer to your sorrow. they crucified jesus for all the wrong in the world. he payed the price for your dad's sin, death. he payed for all the things that cause you grief. you need faith in jesus. he wants to wrap you in his wings and comfort you. he wants to stop your pain.
 
Have you ever tried medicinal marijuana? I think it would actually help. And it's not even close to as bad as drinking, smoking, or perscription drug are for you thats for sure.
 
Jordache, how I wish that I could go back to the time of your suffering and scream how wrong your father was.
I wished this as well when it came to my dad.
The struggles you are facing now are part of the healing , for the fire is hottest when gold is purified.
I remember feeling like I was beating myself up from the inside out.
Each time I read your posts, I cry for you, because this is the compassion and sorrow Jesus shares with you.
Jesus has already wrapped you in a robe of white, soon you will see this through faith and healing.
I continue to pray for you in Jesus's name, for all you need.
May you know in faith soon, just how beautiful you are in God's eyes.

Hugs and God bless
pickles
 
No I have not objected. My inner toddler does not yet have words to say no or your wrong. And at this point I'm terrorized at the thought of bron touched by the Father. If you don't understand psychology then you may think I'm nuts, but in a sense we all have multiple personalities. I don't have the disorder but I do have various selfs that I'm learning to get in touch with. Your self is locked at ages where you were traumatized, and the process of healing requires you to
get a voice. Preverbal trauma is the most difficult to overcome because there is not really a voice to be found. You have to give words to a child that doesn't speak. Also, objection means little when your previous objections were ignored or you were humiliated for them. At 1 and 2 yrs old I said no. I squirmed. I hid. But that little girl is still convinced that her "words" mean nothing.
 
Perhaps it would help if you thought about what you would say to another little girl who is 1 or 2 and feels like her words mean nothing.

what would say to that child?

How would you convince them they are worthy of love?

Would you be willing to protect her and help her to grow up?
 
In the future God might ask you to help others.

I don't know why bad things happen but sometimes I realize its not worthless when God gives me the opportunity to help others going through the same trauma He delivered me from

. Perhaps once you are healed God will give you the opportunity to help others heal and become the beautiful people God intends them to be.

Just know you are not alone and many people love you. Remember God's love. I always thought of Him as my Father because I rejected my earthly one for various reasons. I used to see demons everywhere until I was 8 and my mom finally left him because he tried to kill my little brothers who were 1 and 4 years old.

I never went to therapy, but I've always talked to God and listened to His guidance.

thought you might be able to relate to this song...

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_HC1nYhiUjg&noredirect=1[/video]

May you feel God's peace and love dwell in your heart and shield you in His Light.
 
Hello Jordache: regardless what happens,just know the bible tells us what to do,and through faith we believe......and recieve.GOD loves you no matter what anyone says or does.
Father i pray for jordache and also her family and relatives.Right now father i feel that Jordache needs prayer the most,because she understands the truth better,than those the devil is using to bring all the bad to that family.Father thank you for sending JESUS,JESUS was a great light in this world,reconciling us back to you father.We are forgiven!.Father you are a holy GOD.We were already beaten by sin. You made a way for us,and your will be done.Father i pray that the revelation of your word(JESUS)is fully grasped and understood byJordache,and that her knowing that to overcome evil,it must be overcome with good.Let this become the revelation that inspires Jordache,and for the family to truly know that it is the goodness of GOD that leads to repentance.Father i pray courage is received by the family by the wisdom that you give to Jordache and let the longsuffering you have shown,give us enough time to see our short comings,and realize your love for us,and that we can be healed by you.I pray that the full understanding of this is received.Let peace come forth to the inward man and healing began...in JESUS name...........amen
 
I am so sorry this happened to you! I think only those who have suffered in the same way can make helpful suggestions, but know that you are greatly loved and very much deserve this love. In no way were you to blame for what happened to you. You were a helpless victim.

Joyce Meyer(s)? is a bible teacher that is very open with the fact that she was sexually abused by her father. She's a strong woman and has a very direct way with dealing with things in a biblical way. If you're interested, google her name. She's based in St. Louis, MO. She has very good teaching. I've read her "Battlefield of the Mind" and it really helped me with some things I was struggling with.

I'll be praying for you. You deserve to have a good life and God can help you to find it :)

 
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