Scared to date

[Hini]

To keep it brief:

I used to be non-binary and dated whoever confessed to me regardless of gender. Gave my life to Christ, and personally realised I had to give up the identity I built and restarted as a woman again. I had a preference for dating women all my life so I doubted I could love men. Surprise, the first crush I have after being saved is a man of Christ. Liked him for the entire time I knew him but never spoke a word of it because I thought I was unworthy and not Christian enough. I brushed it off as an awkward crush and not something to be concerned about.

Today, that mindset has hardened and now I think I'm unworthy for any relationship. I worry that, though my desire to marry is strong and I continue to have crushes from time to time, I won't be able to confess my feelings for someone due to my irrational belief that I'm unworthy.

Does anyone else have a similar experience? I'm not sure advice is what I'm seeking but I felt the need to put it out there.

 

[2ndTimeIsTheCharm]

To keep it brief:

I used to be non-binary and dated whoever confessed to me regardless of gender. Gave my life to Christ, and personally realised I had to give up the identity I built and restarted as a woman again. I had a preference for dating women all my life so I doubted I could love men. Surprise, the first crush I have after being saved is a man of Christ. Liked him for the entire time I knew him but never spoke a word of it because I thought I was unworthy and not Christian enough. I brushed it off as an awkward crush and not something to be concerned about.

Today, that mindset has hardened and now I think I'm unworthy for any relationship. I worry that, though my desire to marry is strong and I continue to have crushes from time to time, I won't be able to confess my feelings for someone due to my irrational belief that I'm unworthy.

Does anyone else have a similar experience? I'm not sure advice is what I'm seeking but I felt the need to put it out there.

If you have the desire to marŕy, maybe God put that in your heart? When you get saved you become botn again, a new creation in Christ and therefore as worthy as the rest of us God's people.

So remember that, and give your feelings of unworthiness to Lord Jesus. Also let Him guide you to a godly Christian man who will treat you well. I’ll pray for you too!


🕊

 

[Hini]

I agree completely.

It’s truly strange how I would never think of another person as unworthy if they went through the same thing as I, and yet I struggle to treat myself the same.

 

[ResidentAlien]

Does anyone else have a similar experience? I'm not sure advice is what I'm seeking but I felt the need to put it out there.

My experience isn't exactly like yours, but I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. It took me a long time to process everything from my past and come out on the other side.

 

[Lynx]

I agree completely.

It’s truly strange how I would never think of another person as unworthy if they went through the same thing as I, and yet I struggle to treat myself the same.

Value is relative. Let the person who chooses you decide whether he values you. Don't tell him you have no value.

God paid a high price for us. Apparently we DO have at least some value, in a very objective manner.



"You think I'm great and
I think you're crazy
For thinking I'm great

I think you're awesome
You just can't see it
Quite that way

But if you see something
I don't see in me
And I see something in you
Maybe we need each other
To see this life through"

 

[Lanolin]

I was always second best.
It's hard to see my own worth, when I was always treated that way.

I think if I had feelings for someone, it wouldn't do any good to confess them, because they always had those feelings for someone else, and maybe at the same time they were with me, and maybe they liked them more.

Quite hard to overcome this and I still struggle.
I don't have desires to marry (well, never say never) but I think that ship has sailed. I just think if I was ever bound to someone it could only end badly.

The only marriage proposals I ever received were jokes. Jesus never treated me that way. We have a good relationship because he lets me be free. He saved me to set me free, not to bind me up in chains.

 

[Hini]

I was always second best.
It's hard to see my own worth, when I was always treated that way.

I think if I had feelings for someone, it wouldn't do any good to confess them, because they always had those feelings for someone else, and maybe at the same time they were with me, and maybe they liked them more.

Quite hard to overcome this and I still struggle.
I don't have desires to marry (well, never say never) but I think that ship has sailed. I just think if I was ever bound to someone it could only end badly.

The only marriage proposals I ever received were jokes. Jesus never treated me that way. We have a good relationship because he lets me be free. He saved me to set me free, not to bind me up in chains.

Thank you for sharing this. I relate on what you say about being the second choice - I still struggle with this too.

Marriage is not all life is and you seem to know that very well. Jesus is the only one we can trust to treat us right. To trust another human being on such an intimate level is a huge investment. Something I personally do desire but I don’t see the path that leads to it just yet.

 

[Kainos]

To keep it brief:

I used to be non-binary and dated whoever confessed to me regardless of gender. Gave my life to Christ, and personally realised I had to give up the identity I built and restarted as a woman again. I had a preference for dating women all my life so I doubted I could love men. Surprise, the first crush I have after being saved is a man of Christ. Liked him for the entire time I knew him but never spoke a word of it because I thought I was unworthy and not Christian enough. I brushed it off as an awkward crush and not something to be concerned about.

Today, that mindset has hardened and now I think I'm unworthy for any relationship. I worry that, though my desire to marry is strong and I continue to have crushes from time to time, I won't be able to confess my feelings for someone due to my irrational belief that I'm unworthy.

Does anyone else have a similar experience? I'm not sure advice is what I'm seeking but I felt the need to put it out there.

Devaluing yourself will prevent you from comprehending the drawing/pulling power that your new nature will have on men of God.

To switch from same-sex attraction to desiring the other gender is a seismic shift. You doubt whether you're Christian enough? What could be more true to life than turning away from a capsized sexual orientation, to adopt a new identity in Christ?

Even in our deceptive nature, we would never bother to simulate what and who we were attracted to. The flip in your identity and preference is such a powerful demonstration of the transformative power of God's Spirit.

We were all creatures of corrupt habits before receiving the Spirit of adoption. Your existence spent licking the wrong side of the stamp is part and parcel of your testimony.

None of us are worthy, but believing we are of no worth is a distortion to be challenged. As a base value, the born again are going to admire the grace of God in you.

 

[Levib]

Even those who are unworthy are permitted to ask.

Matthew 15:21Then Jesus went thence, and departed into the coasts of Tyre and Sidon. 22And, behold, a woman of Canaan came out of the same coasts, and cried unto him, saying, Have mercy on me, O Lord, thou Son of David; my daughter is grievously vexed with a devil. 23But he answered her not a word. And his disciples came and besought him, saying, Send her away; for she crieth after us. 24But he answered and said, I am not sent but unto the lost sheep of the house of Israel. 25Then came she and worshipped him, saying, Lord, help me. 26But he answered and said, It is not meet to take the children's bread, and to cast it to dogs. 27And she said, Truth, Lord: yet the dogs eat of the crumbs which fall from their masters' table. 28Then Jesus answered and said unto her, O woman, great is thy faith: be it unto thee even as thou wilt. And her daughter was made whole from that very hour.

 

[Snackersmom]

To keep it brief:

I used to be non-binary and dated whoever confessed to me regardless of gender. Gave my life to Christ, and personally realised I had to give up the identity I built and restarted as a woman again. I had a preference for dating women all my life so I doubted I could love men. Surprise, the first crush I have after being saved is a man of Christ. Liked him for the entire time I knew him but never spoke a word of it because I thought I was unworthy and not Christian enough. I brushed it off as an awkward crush and not something to be concerned about.

Today, that mindset has hardened and now I think I'm unworthy for any relationship. I worry that, though my desire to marry is strong and I continue to have crushes from time to time, I won't be able to confess my feelings for someone due to my irrational belief that I'm unworthy.

Does anyone else have a similar experience? I'm not sure advice is what I'm seeking but I felt the need to put it out there.

Hi Hini, it's great to have you here!

I can identify with a lot of what you are saying, although my experience isn't the same.

I think it might help if you got to the root of your feelings of unworthiness. Are you sure it's about feeling like you aren't Christian enough? Like, maybe that's your current focus but if you think back, did it REALLY start then or has it been festering for a while, just with a different focus maybe? It's just a thought, but I think it's worth looking in to.

As far as being "worthy", as others have said it's not about how good we are but rather about how good God is. Sometimes He gives us really awesome things. Refusing them is like telling Him He doesn't know what He's doing. I had to learn this lesson the hard way. Actually I am still learning it I think.

Do you find it easier to accept difficult things than happy things by chance? I definitely identify with that. Working on it.

As far as your personal worthiness goes, I don't really know you but looking through your posts on here had me in tears. I'm not even sure why . But I think God loves you a LOT. He doesn't look down on you for your past, and no mature Christian would either. I'm proud of you for how far you've come. If anyone tries to hold that against you they are not worth your time. So don't hold it against yourself either.

 

[JayWalker]

I had a preference for dating women all my life so I doubted I could love men.

Why not just the the Lord be your One and Only?

Lay the desire for a mate at His feet and let the Lord know He is your One and Only and if He wants you to be married someday that you'll wait on Him to set it up.

I got married in error in a situation that is not right before the Lord (a few decades back when I was a backslider) and my relationship with my wife is that of we're just roommates with not romantic component existing at all and once I let go of the desire to be in a loving marriage and let the Lord be my One and Only things are actually wonderful.

I had to let go of what I had worked up in my mind as a young person based on what everyone else in society was doing and once I did that and put the Lord first and foremost in my life I've become very content.

He won't ever cheat on you, lie to you, or do you wrong so having the Lord as our One and Only ends up being the best way to go.

If you did meet a nice guy someday, you and him both should keep the lord first and foremost in your lives so the marriage can work. But, until then it's best to lay that desire at the Lord's feet and allow Him to either work that out or grow you to be content with Him being your One and Only

 

[Hini]

Why not just the the Lord be your One and Only?

Lay the desire for a mate at His feet and let the Lord know He is your One and Only and if He wants you to be married someday that you'll wait on Him to set it up.

I got married in error in a situation that is not right before the Lord (a few decades back when I was a backslider) and my relationship with my wife is that of we're just roommates with not romantic component existing at all and once I let go of the desire to be in a loving marriage and let the Lord be my One and Only things are actually wonderful.

I had to let go of what I had worked up in my mind as a young person based on what everyone else in society was doing and once I did that and put the Lord first and foremost in my life I've become very content.

He won't ever cheat on you, lie to you, or do you wrong so having the Lord as our One and Only ends up being the best way to go.

If you did meet a nice guy someday, you and him both should keep the lord first and foremost in your lives so the marriage can work. But, until then it's best to lay that desire at the Lord's feet and allow Him to either work that out or grow you to be content with Him being your One and Only

I’ve heard of this approach before and it’s always intrigued me. I understand it in concept but in practice I struggle to let my relationship with God satisfy every desire I have for other relationships.

Thank you for reminding me, though. Being able to have God as my One and Only is definitely a life goal.

 

[Mem]

Let God wash you. His is such a thorough purging that it even cleanses your conscious of dead works.
Jn 13:8
Heb 9:14

 

[Lanolin]

Romance...doesn't last forever...and also, you can be romantic and not be married even.

It's possible the Romans popularised Romance. And everyone knows the book of Romans is in the Bible. So we are to do what Romans do, in Rome, which is to be Romantic.

Now if we were all speaking French, everyone would sound Romantic, as it is a Romance language. Oooh la la

 

[Lanolin]

Young people often have silly ideas they gleaned from romance books and rom-coms
And then on top of that, then expect marriage to be romantic. It's often not.

The big readers of Mills and Boons were single women. I've never read a whole one, but it is a captive market, and I suppose, an easy one to write. There is always a formula to it...
In my town, there's a book exchange that's been there forever and the main stock in trade Mills and Boon/Harlequin novels. They are like those Hallmark movies, but some can be racy.

In the Bible, love is presented in a different way. Its not between men and women. It's between God and humanity.

 

[Hini]

Hi Hini, it's great to have you here!

I can identify with a lot of what you are saying, although my experience isn't the same.

I think it might help if you got to the root of your feelings of unworthiness. Are you sure it's about feeling like you aren't Christian enough? Like, maybe that's your current focus but if you think back, did it REALLY start then or has it been festering for a while, just with a different focus maybe? It's just a thought, but I think it's worth looking in to.

As far as being "worthy", as others have said it's not about how good we are but rather about how good God is. Sometimes He gives us really awesome things. Refusing them is like telling Him He doesn't know what He's doing. I had to learn this lesson the hard way. Actually I am still learning it I think.

Do you find it easier to accept difficult things than happy things by chance? I definitely identify with that. Working on it.

As far as your personal worthiness goes, I don't really know you but looking through your posts on here had me in tears. I'm not even sure why . But I think God loves you a LOT. He doesn't look down on you for your past, and no mature Christian would either. I'm proud of you for how far you've come. If anyone tries to hold that against you they are not worth your time. So don't hold it against yourself either.

I must say. When you mentioned accepting difficult things easier than happy things, that really opened a new path of thinking for me.

I do a lot of self searching so this thread of people suggesting things to question myself has been so helpful and encouraging. But my goodness that really hit deep.

I would love to hear how you are personally working through that mindset.

Thank you for writing. I’m glad I checked this thread manually because I wasn’t notified of this reply.

 

[Hini]

I personally wanted to give a piece of scripture that gave me some clarity about my original post:

1 Corinthians 7:25-35

It’s strange how I know this chapter so well and yet it completely slipped my mind to apply it to my own situation like this. It doesn’t answer my worries necessarily, but it really helped me zoom out my perspective to see how God is sparing me from the worldly anxieties I’d have with a partner.

I truly believe every single reply in this thread helped me pick up on this verse so I thank each and every one of you. We run the race of life together

 

[Snackersmom]

I must say. When you mentioned accepting difficult things easier than happy things, that really opened a new path of thinking for me.

I do a lot of self searching so this thread of people suggesting things to question myself has been so helpful and encouraging. But my goodness that really hit deep.

I would love to hear how you are personally working through that mindset.

Thank you for writing. I’m glad I checked this thread manually because I wasn’t notified of this reply.

Let me think about this a little and figure out what I'm willing to post publicly lol. These kind of issues run deep, and (at least for me personally) the only way to kill them is to get to the roots of them (with God's help). I'll say what I can publicly just in case it will help someone else, but would you mind if I sent you a private message as well?

You're doing great Sis, please don't discount what God is doing in your life! I'm seriously impressed, for real. You are going about this the right way and asking the right questions

P.S. always check your threads manually, the system will notify you for the first post made after you log out but there could be several more after it.

 

[Hini]

You’re definitely free to shoot me a private message only share what you’re comfortable. Your words have been already a great help to me.

 

[Michaelarc]

To keep it brief:

I used to be non-binary and dated whoever confessed to me regardless of gender. Gave my life to Christ, and personally realised I had to give up the identity I built and restarted as a woman again. I had a preference for dating women all my life so I doubted I could love men. Surprise, the first crush I have after being saved is a man of Christ. Liked him for the entire time I knew him but never spoke a word of it because I thought I was unworthy and not Christian enough. I brushed it off as an awkward crush and not something to be concerned about.

Today, that mindset has hardened and now I think I'm unworthy for any relationship. I worry that, though my desire to marry is strong and I continue to have crushes from time to time, I won't be able to confess my feelings for someone due to my irrational belief that I'm unworthy.

Does anyone else have a similar experience? I'm not sure advice is what I'm seeking but I felt the need to put it out there.

I'm there. Forgive me but for a long time I despised all females for 3 reasons. 3 promises of marriage and the audacity I met him on Christian websites. 47,000. I sold my car to pay for one of the marriages. The $ was all in cost of wedding rings, gifts expecting arrival and $ I sent to aid them. Clothes, furniture etc. And three times a no-show. So ya. I hear ya. My flame is snuffed out. God forbid I stay single forever but it's going to take a lot to prove to me that I'm truly loved and nobody gets funds till they're under my roof. Period.