I was riding solo in the HOV lane on my way back from Children's. I wonder if anyone called the HERO number to report me. I wonder if they realized that my body was so used to having at least one sweet, chubby-cheeked kid staring at the back of my head that I was oblivious to the fact that I was alone. I wonder if they realized that Tuesday was the only day that I didn't drive anyone to the hospital.
When I realized my carpool error, I was about ten miles from the hospital. Suddenly it hit me: I had just left my baby, Naomi, with total strangers in the ER so I could go relieve my inlaws of babysitting my older two. The silence in the van smacked me hard in the gut. I fought the urge to cry, but without success. I felt the sharp, physical pain of sorrow grab me without mercy. Slowly I pulled out of the HOV lane and swallowed the fact that I was a mom, and I was alone. Most moms would rejoice! They would plan all the things they would do to care for themselves; Grab a cup of joe, bikini wax, two hour massage...oh, kidless pleasures are endless! Not me. Not at that moment. I would have traded anything to hear a little baby say "MAMA??" from the back seat. I would have even done anything for the smell of a ripe bottom needing changing!
Sorrow turned to anger. I became frustrated with God, and questioned his sanity through my tears. Once I was a care-free girl! I loved life and everything it had to offer. I traveled to far away places, met exciting people, learned all I could about the great outdoors and never had a single worry in the world! My brain was at war: one side was longing for my children, and one side wished I had always stayed a care-free girl. I felt guilty about the second side and so became angry with myself for thinking such thoughts. Part of me, the darker side, was trying to convince me that somehow I was to blame for the suffering of my two daughters. It kept whispering that if I had stayed a care-free girl they would have never entered the world and would have never faced such pain. "God!" I asked, "What was the point of making me so adventurous if my lot in life is to be trapped by G-tubes, IV lines and injections? Why didn't you make me patient; content to stay in my four walls and do nothing but care for sick people all day long? What good is a spirit for adventure if I can't use it? And why on your green earth are you forcing me to be a nurse?? You know I hate hospitals!"
In a voice that was nearly audible to me, God simply told me "You know why!" A hundred images of my giggling children filled my head. I remembered all the fun times we have shared and all the adventures that WE had together! God turned my sadness to laughter with one final note; "How many kids in wheelchairs get stuck in cow manure while looking for a baby calf? How many kids with G-tubes get to hike a mountain WHILE they are also running IV nutrition and antibiotics?" Now THAT is the spirit of adventure!!
*Hannah*
When I realized my carpool error, I was about ten miles from the hospital. Suddenly it hit me: I had just left my baby, Naomi, with total strangers in the ER so I could go relieve my inlaws of babysitting my older two. The silence in the van smacked me hard in the gut. I fought the urge to cry, but without success. I felt the sharp, physical pain of sorrow grab me without mercy. Slowly I pulled out of the HOV lane and swallowed the fact that I was a mom, and I was alone. Most moms would rejoice! They would plan all the things they would do to care for themselves; Grab a cup of joe, bikini wax, two hour massage...oh, kidless pleasures are endless! Not me. Not at that moment. I would have traded anything to hear a little baby say "MAMA??" from the back seat. I would have even done anything for the smell of a ripe bottom needing changing!
Sorrow turned to anger. I became frustrated with God, and questioned his sanity through my tears. Once I was a care-free girl! I loved life and everything it had to offer. I traveled to far away places, met exciting people, learned all I could about the great outdoors and never had a single worry in the world! My brain was at war: one side was longing for my children, and one side wished I had always stayed a care-free girl. I felt guilty about the second side and so became angry with myself for thinking such thoughts. Part of me, the darker side, was trying to convince me that somehow I was to blame for the suffering of my two daughters. It kept whispering that if I had stayed a care-free girl they would have never entered the world and would have never faced such pain. "God!" I asked, "What was the point of making me so adventurous if my lot in life is to be trapped by G-tubes, IV lines and injections? Why didn't you make me patient; content to stay in my four walls and do nothing but care for sick people all day long? What good is a spirit for adventure if I can't use it? And why on your green earth are you forcing me to be a nurse?? You know I hate hospitals!"
In a voice that was nearly audible to me, God simply told me "You know why!" A hundred images of my giggling children filled my head. I remembered all the fun times we have shared and all the adventures that WE had together! God turned my sadness to laughter with one final note; "How many kids in wheelchairs get stuck in cow manure while looking for a baby calf? How many kids with G-tubes get to hike a mountain WHILE they are also running IV nutrition and antibiotics?" Now THAT is the spirit of adventure!!
*Hannah*
