C
chiclet01
Guest
Hey everyone.
I posted this in the Christian Ladies forum as well, but would appreciate everyone's prayers.
I've been here for just under a week now, and I've been thinking about writing this the entire time. It's my story... it's where I am right now. I'm asking for understanding, prayers, and maybe holding off on the snap judgments. So, here it is.
My husband and I were best friends for a year before we even thought about "dating". There was no one on this earth I could talk to about more things and feel completely safe. We didn't really start dating in the traditional sense of the word. We just went from being friends... to being friends who loved each other romantically, if that makes any sense. He proposed to me at the end of a Christian conference called Chrysalis Crossroads, where he felt like he heard God say it was alright to marry me.
We were married in December of 2004.
The first three years went about like most new marriages do. We had our spats. We had our laughs. We were working through the troubles all newlyweds face. We both got jobs, me teaching and him as a security officer at a casino, and bought a house. We were both members at my father's church. He got along with my family and I and his mother were (and still are) very close.
I noticed him growing distant, but thought it was the stress of his job. He was promoted through the ranks to manager, the youngest in the industry. He worked nights and slowly stopped going to church. Then in August of 2007 he called me out of the blue from work saying he wanted a separation. I was floored.... He moved out the next month, but we kept trying to work things.
In October, I found out that he had been having an affair. The other woman actually e-mailed me because he had just broken it off with her (hell hath no fury, right?). I confronted him with it and he told me everything. Still, he stayed moved out until January of 2008.
I forgave him and we began to try and work through our issues. He still wanted to go out drinking constantly with his "casino buddies" which caused so many fights between us. In February, we unexpectedly got pregnant. Despite the surprise of it, we were both thrilled and he started going out less in expectation of being a father. Then we lost the baby to miscarriage at only two months along.
Things seemed to disintegrate from there. He began drinking heavily, coming home to rant and rage at me when I didn't respond to him the way he thought I should. He refused to come to church or stop going out. But I stayed. I felt very clearly at that time that God was telling me to "just love him." There were constant fights over him contacting other women over text, e-mail, and messenger but it never escalated to another affair. I would find porn saved on the computer, and we would fight over that as well.
He got a wakeup call when he was arrested on a DUI 1st offense in 2009. He's always been very prideful about his lawfulness (he has always wanted to work in law enforcement) so it was a slap in the face that he needed. He gave up alcohol once and for all then. We started seeing a Christian Counselor who was a GODSEND and a wonderful man. He helped us both start to repair things in our lives and marriage that were still broken from the affair. My husband started coming back to church again. I could see things finally starting to improve.
Then, after years of trying and beginning to think it would not be possible for us, we got pregnant again in October of 2009. This pregnancy was truly blessed as there were no complications throughout the entire thing. As my third trimester began, however, he began to experience extreme panic attacks and mood swings. I spent most of those last three months taking off of work and trying to help him with whatever was going on.
Our son was born in July of 2010. After sleeping through most of my labor, my husband stayed long enough to snuggle our son and sit with us through the first night before going home to "get a handle on things". I spent all three days in the hospital with post-partum anxiety, a spinal headache (that wasn't discovered until I was sent home), and a newborn by myself except for the loving support of my family when they visited. I didn't understand.
Understanding came later when my husband was diagnosed as bipolar. We thought that through medication, he could finally begin to get a grip on his illness and behavior. Instead, he began to turn himself into a victim. He began taking pain killers for recurring headaches and then began to abuse those pain killers. After many fights and another couple of trips to our counselor, he stopped using the pills, although he would frequently ask to get more and fight/rant/rage when I stuck to my guns.
He lost his job in February due to his medication abuse, although he would never admit that was the reason. Instead of seeking a new job, he would sit in his "cave" and play video games, claiming he was in too much pain or swinging too much to get out. Our finances began to falter and then failed. We've had to recently start the process of filing for bankruptcy.
The last straw came when he took 57 mg of the 90 Xanax he was supposed to take in a month... in 6 hours. He was nearly incoherent, stumbling around. And when I confronted him with it, he said I didn't understand what kind of pain he was in. He told me to turn around so he could "temporarily harm" me to show me what it was like. I told him no and to go to bed.
The next day he tried to coerce me into letting him have money that we honestly didn't have for a "friend" in need. This turned out to actually be him trying to go out and get more pain medications by shopping around with 3 doctors. Hours later, he called trying to convince me to let him start having a night cap before bed "to help him relax". When I said that was out of the question for a recovering alcoholic, he "accidentally" broke his hand when he hit the brick wall outside. He went to the ER and, imagine this, they gave him pain killers.
We had a final counseling appointment, and I cried my heart out telling him and the counselor that I couldn't do this anymore and I couldn't keep our son around this. My husband seemed to grasp the seriousness of the situation and vowed to start changing and following the counselor's plan for recovery. He was going to come to our special service on Sept. 11 at church.
That Sunday, I woke up to him stumbling and falling around. When he laid down on the couch, I couldn't get him to wake back up again. I check the pill bottles, and he had taken 25 of the 33 remaining Xanax. I packed up enough for the night for myself and our son and went to church.
We've been staying with my parents at the parsonage ever since. He's begged, pleaded, cried and done every manipulation under the book to try and get me to "come back so we can work this out as a family". My response to him is that he has to change first, and then we can go from there.
He's living with his mother now back in the college town we met at. I'm living with my parents with our son. I know in my heart that I've done all I can do. I have prayed, pleaded, loved and tried so hard to save this marriage and to love him despite everything. I have been verbally and emotionally abused, ignored, abandoned and cheated on. In spite of all of this, I know that God can save this if he will let Him change him. But he has to make the choice to stop being a victim and start taking responsibility for his choices and his life.
My family, both physical and spiritual, have been so supportive of me. It's been two and a half weeks now since I left. I've seen him once since then when he came to visit me and our son. He claims to be working through the materials given to him by the counselor, but refuses to check into any program to help him with his addictions. He also claims that he hasn't abused anything since I left.
If you're still here at this point... first of all: wow. Good job.
Second of all, I apologize for the length of this.
I'm just at the point now where I've drawn the boundary lines of what I can accept as a wife and mother. I will not let his destructive behaviors destroy me and our son too. But he's told so many lies to me over the years, I don't know how to discern if he's really changing or not. I have no doubt that he's trying, but he's tried many times before. It always fades away after a week... maybe a month.
We have another appointment with our counselor in November. I told him we would reassess things then. I'm struggling now because I'm caught in this inbetween place of not wanting to harden my heart to the future, and yet having to harden my heart to the present. There are people who would condemn me for leaving him... although I just don't see how.
I'm just praying for clarity and for the truth to be seen. That God would guide me step by step and not let me be deceived. I would appreciate your prayers and any thoughts you might have. Again, I'm sorry this was so very long!
I posted this in the Christian Ladies forum as well, but would appreciate everyone's prayers.
I've been here for just under a week now, and I've been thinking about writing this the entire time. It's my story... it's where I am right now. I'm asking for understanding, prayers, and maybe holding off on the snap judgments. So, here it is.
My husband and I were best friends for a year before we even thought about "dating". There was no one on this earth I could talk to about more things and feel completely safe. We didn't really start dating in the traditional sense of the word. We just went from being friends... to being friends who loved each other romantically, if that makes any sense. He proposed to me at the end of a Christian conference called Chrysalis Crossroads, where he felt like he heard God say it was alright to marry me.
We were married in December of 2004.The first three years went about like most new marriages do. We had our spats. We had our laughs. We were working through the troubles all newlyweds face. We both got jobs, me teaching and him as a security officer at a casino, and bought a house. We were both members at my father's church. He got along with my family and I and his mother were (and still are) very close.
I noticed him growing distant, but thought it was the stress of his job. He was promoted through the ranks to manager, the youngest in the industry. He worked nights and slowly stopped going to church. Then in August of 2007 he called me out of the blue from work saying he wanted a separation. I was floored.... He moved out the next month, but we kept trying to work things.
In October, I found out that he had been having an affair. The other woman actually e-mailed me because he had just broken it off with her (hell hath no fury, right?). I confronted him with it and he told me everything. Still, he stayed moved out until January of 2008.
I forgave him and we began to try and work through our issues. He still wanted to go out drinking constantly with his "casino buddies" which caused so many fights between us. In February, we unexpectedly got pregnant. Despite the surprise of it, we were both thrilled and he started going out less in expectation of being a father. Then we lost the baby to miscarriage at only two months along.
Things seemed to disintegrate from there. He began drinking heavily, coming home to rant and rage at me when I didn't respond to him the way he thought I should. He refused to come to church or stop going out. But I stayed. I felt very clearly at that time that God was telling me to "just love him." There were constant fights over him contacting other women over text, e-mail, and messenger but it never escalated to another affair. I would find porn saved on the computer, and we would fight over that as well.
He got a wakeup call when he was arrested on a DUI 1st offense in 2009. He's always been very prideful about his lawfulness (he has always wanted to work in law enforcement) so it was a slap in the face that he needed. He gave up alcohol once and for all then. We started seeing a Christian Counselor who was a GODSEND and a wonderful man. He helped us both start to repair things in our lives and marriage that were still broken from the affair. My husband started coming back to church again. I could see things finally starting to improve.
Then, after years of trying and beginning to think it would not be possible for us, we got pregnant again in October of 2009. This pregnancy was truly blessed as there were no complications throughout the entire thing. As my third trimester began, however, he began to experience extreme panic attacks and mood swings. I spent most of those last three months taking off of work and trying to help him with whatever was going on.
Our son was born in July of 2010. After sleeping through most of my labor, my husband stayed long enough to snuggle our son and sit with us through the first night before going home to "get a handle on things". I spent all three days in the hospital with post-partum anxiety, a spinal headache (that wasn't discovered until I was sent home), and a newborn by myself except for the loving support of my family when they visited. I didn't understand.
Understanding came later when my husband was diagnosed as bipolar. We thought that through medication, he could finally begin to get a grip on his illness and behavior. Instead, he began to turn himself into a victim. He began taking pain killers for recurring headaches and then began to abuse those pain killers. After many fights and another couple of trips to our counselor, he stopped using the pills, although he would frequently ask to get more and fight/rant/rage when I stuck to my guns.
He lost his job in February due to his medication abuse, although he would never admit that was the reason. Instead of seeking a new job, he would sit in his "cave" and play video games, claiming he was in too much pain or swinging too much to get out. Our finances began to falter and then failed. We've had to recently start the process of filing for bankruptcy.
The last straw came when he took 57 mg of the 90 Xanax he was supposed to take in a month... in 6 hours. He was nearly incoherent, stumbling around. And when I confronted him with it, he said I didn't understand what kind of pain he was in. He told me to turn around so he could "temporarily harm" me to show me what it was like. I told him no and to go to bed.
The next day he tried to coerce me into letting him have money that we honestly didn't have for a "friend" in need. This turned out to actually be him trying to go out and get more pain medications by shopping around with 3 doctors. Hours later, he called trying to convince me to let him start having a night cap before bed "to help him relax". When I said that was out of the question for a recovering alcoholic, he "accidentally" broke his hand when he hit the brick wall outside. He went to the ER and, imagine this, they gave him pain killers.
We had a final counseling appointment, and I cried my heart out telling him and the counselor that I couldn't do this anymore and I couldn't keep our son around this. My husband seemed to grasp the seriousness of the situation and vowed to start changing and following the counselor's plan for recovery. He was going to come to our special service on Sept. 11 at church.
That Sunday, I woke up to him stumbling and falling around. When he laid down on the couch, I couldn't get him to wake back up again. I check the pill bottles, and he had taken 25 of the 33 remaining Xanax. I packed up enough for the night for myself and our son and went to church.
We've been staying with my parents at the parsonage ever since. He's begged, pleaded, cried and done every manipulation under the book to try and get me to "come back so we can work this out as a family". My response to him is that he has to change first, and then we can go from there.
He's living with his mother now back in the college town we met at. I'm living with my parents with our son. I know in my heart that I've done all I can do. I have prayed, pleaded, loved and tried so hard to save this marriage and to love him despite everything. I have been verbally and emotionally abused, ignored, abandoned and cheated on. In spite of all of this, I know that God can save this if he will let Him change him. But he has to make the choice to stop being a victim and start taking responsibility for his choices and his life.
My family, both physical and spiritual, have been so supportive of me. It's been two and a half weeks now since I left. I've seen him once since then when he came to visit me and our son. He claims to be working through the materials given to him by the counselor, but refuses to check into any program to help him with his addictions. He also claims that he hasn't abused anything since I left.
If you're still here at this point... first of all: wow. Good job.
Second of all, I apologize for the length of this. I'm just at the point now where I've drawn the boundary lines of what I can accept as a wife and mother. I will not let his destructive behaviors destroy me and our son too. But he's told so many lies to me over the years, I don't know how to discern if he's really changing or not. I have no doubt that he's trying, but he's tried many times before. It always fades away after a week... maybe a month.
We have another appointment with our counselor in November. I told him we would reassess things then. I'm struggling now because I'm caught in this inbetween place of not wanting to harden my heart to the future, and yet having to harden my heart to the present. There are people who would condemn me for leaving him... although I just don't see how.
I'm just praying for clarity and for the truth to be seen. That God would guide me step by step and not let me be deceived. I would appreciate your prayers and any thoughts you might have. Again, I'm sorry this was so very long!
