Setting "Parental Control" button on teen dating

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ElleMichelle

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TEENS-
What is your experience regarding parents setting boundaries for you based on God's Word regarding personal relationships with non-Christians or even Christians choosing to live outside the boundaries God has ordained for His children? I'm concerned for my sweet 17 year old son, in the choices of "friends" that surround him, and the girl he likes who claims to be agnostic. He asked her to be his girlfriend before he knew her spiritual beliefs (she somewhat gave the impression she shared his beliefs, but he also didn't outright ask her which he should have). He asked her to be his girlfriend, she enthusiastically said Yes, they hung around together several days at our house, he walked her home, they played video games together and did yard work... days later she broke it off with him, and he was crushed. He started to pull out of the disappointment, and now she's back, called and came over yesterday, ...

I want to enforce God's Word:
Train my child-- Deuteronomy 6:7, 11:19, Proverbs 22:6 ...
to Love the Lord our God-- Deuteronomy 6:1, 6:5
and 7:9 The Lord is our God, faithful to keep His Word...
AND
"beware of those who teach deceit" Ephesians 5:6 and Colossians 2:8
Psalm 1
Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers. 2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
3 He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers.
4 Not so the wicked!
They are like chaff
that the wind blows away.
5 Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.
6 For the LORD watches over the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked will perish.

I'm trusting in God to help me lovingly, but firmly set the boundaries I am responsible to do, "As for me and my house, We will serve the Lord." --Joshua 24:15, and I believe God will bless us for it, if not at least He will be glorified.
How did your parents handle this "friend" and "boyfriend/girlfriend" subject?
What was your response? How did/do you feel?
Maybe your initial feelings and thoughts have changed?

Thank You for your kindness in responding to my inquiry.
 
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I'm sending you a pm, but I'm also posting so that this thread will appear back on the first page of new posts. I'm sure you want more answers than from just me ;)
 
ElleMichelle said:
TEENS-
What is your experience regarding parents setting boundaries for you based on God's Word regarding personal relationships with non-Christians or even Christians choosing to live outside the boundaries God has ordained for His children? I'm concerned for my sweet 17 year old son, in the choices of "friends" that surround him, and the girl he likes who claims to be agnostic. He asked her to be his girlfriend before he knew her spiritual beliefs (she somewhat gave the impression she shared his beliefs, but he also didn't outright ask her which he should have). He asked her to be his girlfriend, she enthusiastically said Yes, they hung around together several days at our house, he walked her home, they played video games together and did yard work... days later she broke it off with him, and he was crushed. He started to pull out of the disappointment, and now she's back, called and came over yesterday, ...

I want to enforce God's Word:
Train my child-- Deuteronomy 6:7, 11:19, Proverbs 22:6 ...
to Love the Lord our God-- Deuteronomy 6:1, 6:5
and 7:9 The Lord is our God, faithful to keep His Word...
AND
"beware of those who teach deceit" Ephesians 5:6 and Colossians 2:8
Psalm 1
Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers. 2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
3 He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers.
4 Not so the wicked!
They are like chaff
that the wind blows away.
5 Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.
6 For the LORD watches over the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked will perish.

I'm trusting in God to help me lovingly, but firmly set the boundaries I am responsible to do, "As for me and my house, We will serve the Lord." --Joshua 24:15, and I believe God will bless us for it, if not at least He will be glorified.
How did your parents handle this "friend" and "boyfriend/girlfriend" subject?
What was your response? How did/do you feel?
Maybe your initial feelings and thoughts have changed?

Thank You for your kindness in responding to my inquiry.
Click to expand...

Being that he's 17, I think it's a little late. He's almost an adult and I'm sure if you have set up a good foundation he'll be fine. (: I think you should talk to him without preaching but after that there's not much you can do.
 
lol almost an adult.

i'm 20 and most people my age aren't adults, character-wise. i'm not an adult.

as long as he's still in her house, he is obliged to obey by her rules, adult or no adult.
 
Rissa77 said:
lol almost an adult.

i'm 20 and most people my age aren't adults, character-wise. i'm not an adult.

as long as he's still in her house, he is obliged to obey by her rules, adult or no adult.
Click to expand...

Totally agree!
Your his mum, and while hes your son and living in your house, it is your duty to do this.
Also, is there a strong christian male in your son's life? Most 17 year olds prefer to get female advice from other guys. If not, locate a youth paster and connect them together
 
Rissa77 said:
lol almost an adult.

i'm 20 and most people my age aren't adults, character-wise. i'm not an adult.

as long as he's still in her house, he is obliged to obey by her rules, adult or no adult.
Click to expand...


She can set all the rules she wants, but honestly at this point in life its kind of late to try to bring up new rules cause the foundation is already set. If he wants to date this girl he's going to date her whether she likes it or not. It's sad, but its the truth.
I'm 16 and my parents try to bring up new rules cause they think they messed up with my other siblings, but its kind of pointless cause My upbringing is finished. They can set up rules and all, but the way I turn out is kind of out of their hands now; I'm old enough to make my own decisions. Just an example. I also know this mom who tried to go all strict on her son when he was 17 and it totally screwed up their message.
What I am saying to the author of this post is have confidence that you raised you son in the way he should go and as he gets older he'll remember what you said when he was young. He might go away from the teaching, but generally people come back to what they were taught when they were younger. :)
 
Thank You everyone for your thoughtful responses. I appreciate you taking time to read my thoughts and respond to me and those who commented. This is my first time to Christian Chat and I'm praising God for this site to allow Christians to edify one another in the Truth.

1 Thessalonians 5:11 Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do.

Galations 6:2 Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.
 
Honestly, my parents really never set that many boundaries with the people I was interested romantically in or were friends with. Sometimes parents won't like a friend that there child has, but they should at least give that friend a chance and get to know more about them before they just up and say "you can't hang out with [insert name here]"


When in the dating world people do get hurt emotionally, but really now, that's a part of life, we learn from those experiences.

I know I'm not exactly a poster child, but I think i'd be a little more "screwed up" if my parents hadn't let me learn from mistakes and set up a bunch of boundaries, boundaries can hurt children just as much as they can potentially be good for them.
 
I feel for you. When the "bait of satan" comes into a teens life, no matter what you say they will do the opposite. The more you push the further they fly. My 19 yr old son was raised in a christian home and never dated or called a girl in HS. The first week of college he goes off with a girl and has sex with her and has been hooked with her since. He left home and is not communicating with us anymore because he didn't want to live under our rules of not having sex with her to screw up his chances of success in college especially with us paying well over $200,000 for his education. She is 23, married and divorced and an illegal immigrant. Do you suppose she is after her citizenship like her mother just got on her 4th husband? We feel she is just after money because he was to become a Physician Assistant making a pretty good salary after college. She is looking for the american dream by taking it away from one.

My question to you as a mother is, " we have provided total cost of transportation throughout HS for my son so that he could save his money for college. The agreement with our son was that if he gave us his money to save for college, we would pay everything in transportation for him to work and save. Now another reason he left home is that he wants his money back to use for whatever ?. He will not have enough money on his own even with this amount to attend college without our financial help and he just wants this money to live on with her.

Do we give him back his money after we footed the total bill for him in the past under an agreement just to keep peace and hope he comes around some day? Or give it to him with attachments where payment would be made only to the college?

Or do we keep it because he renigged and betrayed us?

We don't need the money... it is the point and the moral issue.... not the $2300 dollars which is well under what we paid for transportation over 4 years.

In a dilemma. Trying to teach him responsibility and respect and getting none . The crazy thing was he was an awesome kid before he met her. Taking him down!


So as to your question, I don't know what the right advise would be. Ours didn't work. They say the chrisitan homes struggle the most becuase trying to follow Gods ways instead of the secular world. I will pray for your intervention and guidance.
 
I think that you need to talk to him as an adult. Parenthood (and all relationships) involve trading power for influence. When he was first born, you picked him up and took him where he needed to be. Over the years, you have been slowly handed him the power for various things. At this point you will have to rely upon that influence. Your voice is in his head, echoing all the things that you have taught him.
One other thing is prayer. Don't just pray for him, pray for the friends that he has and will have. And pray especially for those whom he may want to start his life together with.
 
First of all, ElleMichelle, truly you are a blessing to all cross paths with you. The way you apply scripture to your astounds me, and for that I am proud to say you are one of my many sisters in Christ.
As for your son, the only thing I can prescribe is prayer. And as charisenexcelcis, you should also pray for the friends he has and will have. Pray that they will not have a negative influence on his life. Having a talk with him would also help greatly. Your his mother, and although we were all stubborn at that age, I am sure some of what you say to him will make sense. in the end however I am sure things will work out. I'll keep you and your son in my prayers Elle.


They say the chrisitan homes struggle the most becuase trying to follow Gods ways instead of the secular world. I will pray for your intervention and guidance.

Its true...christian homes do struggle. Resisting temptation, there are many a passage in the bible that speak upon this. Why? Because resisting temptation is one of the most difficult things it seems for Christians to do. As humans we are imperfect, upon our entry into the world we were born into sin. But thankfully, we have been armed with the bible as a means of fending off anything that is unholy, and as a means to educate others of Jesus Christ. In your sons case, I think he has yet to see what this young lady is doing, and he is having trouble resisting temptation. But he would not be the first, I mean we've all been in a similar situation, right?
My point is, it may take him some time to figure things out for himself. Hopefully he will figure things out before its too late, and I believe you have done everything you possibly can to keep your son a part of your family, not that he would ever not be a part of it.
PRAYER is the key. Never forget that my beloved sister in Christ.
 
You are right to set limits. I have set them for my 13 year old son.He is not to date until he is out of high school.And this is much easier if you home school.You have more control who your children hang out with. I am a very strict mom. And my son loves knowing how much his mom cares about what happens to him.
 
I think it is ok to have rules and regulations that you expect him to follow as long as he is under your roof but at the same time, you do not want to push him away or cause him to be rebellious with you because what you desire for him may be something different from what he is desiring at the present moment. I think that you should talk to him and express to him how you feel and what you think may be best for him, but ultimately whom he wishes to deal with will be his decision. I can rememeber being 16 living with my mom and she tried to regulate who I dealt with, and this lead to me moving out at 17. I had just turned 17 at that. He has to experience things on his own...No he is certainly not grown as long as he is under your roof, but if you wish for the lines of communication to stay open, you can only talk to him, and pray that he makes the best decision...but you cant make those decisions for him.
 
You can guide him all you want but hes almost an adult you should start trusting him like one. The foundation is already set so you should trust him to make the right decisions.
 
starshine1957 said:
You are right to set limits. I have set them for my 13 year old son.He is not to date until he is out of high school.And this is much easier if you home school.You have more control who your children hang out with. I am a very strict mom. And my son loves knowing how much his mom cares about what happens to him.
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Being a very strict mom doesn't make a caring mom ( not saying that you are not a caring mother, just pointing that out) Honestly I'm sending my kids to Highschool, not the highschool i went to because the teachers were awful and did not understand Bipolar disorder and most of them do not know how to teach, but I will be sending them to school and not homeschooling. I find it a little sad when parents want to control everything in a kids life. Its just setting them up for failure and a rebellious child in most cases.
 
Im with Alice. Homeschooling seems to be the worst thing to do to a child. As long as there is a solid foundation in the home and you raised them in the Christian faith they should be ready for the real world. Not sheltered. You're children are really going to do well once they get out on their own college. Homeschoolers are normally the first ones down freshmen year...
 
This one girl i went to school with all my life, had parents that sheltered her from so many things....when she hears talk about sex/reproduction, she covers her ears and yells "LA LA LA LA" and there are some things she says that make me think "When this girl goes to college she is either going to freak out and go on a drinking/sex binge or go crazy and end up in the loony bin"
 
Thank You everyone for the candid, heart felt perspectives you have so graciously shared with me. It's been several weeks since these concerns first came up in our lives, and for the most part I took the dilemmas to the Lord, trusting Him instead of my own devises. God has been faithful, He has worked in both our hearts (my son and myself) but more importantly in my heart first to submit to God, accept and recognize my responsibility as his parent before God to teach Truth in His Love instead of me doing anything in my strength: rampaging control freak and/or depressed "Do what ever". God has given me strength to set the right boundaries and enforce proper consequences for infringements at the right times as well as to be gracious at the right times instead of being a push over. God is working in my son's heart also to submit to my authority over simple rules such as put the sticky Popsicle wrappers in the trash instead of piling them up on the floor inviting insects. My son is independently recognizing areas times when he's been disrespectful, argumentative, and seeking my forgiveness. God is so faithful that this whole "girl" thing may be a non-issue with out a major direct interference on my part other than he and I had several open discussions about God's Word on the subject. I'm trusting God with this precious wonderful young man, knowing God is sovereign. Thank You
 
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