J
J-Kay-2
Guest
This is a post reply I gave to a poster. The words are truth. I skimmed the surface.
I know most of your advice has been from men, but if you don't mind, I
would like to share an experience with my mother from a woman as a daughter
and mother too.
I could relate as soon as I saw your first sentence. Without going into my
entire life history, I want to give some highlights. Some of the things I pull
out of other posters comments.
I did have a good relationship with my Mother because she was always
there for me. Again, there is a history there too, but I won't bore you.
I realized the reason I had good relationship was because she was very
manipulative and controlling. It was subtle and I did not see it. I really
did love my mom and thought I could never live without her. My husband
changed that fact immediately after our marriage.
I marry, had children. But I had one daughter before from brief marriage
as a teen, therefore my mother felt she was 'owner' of my daughter from
time she was in womb. I do appreciate my mother taking care of my baby
so I could finish my education.
Fast forward to my daughter at age 13. She liked to visit my mom and I
never thought about it. But my mom was really beginning to show a side
that was beginning to open my eyes. I since learned it was there my
daughter learned to drink beer and became an alcoholic later in life.
That is another story.
Someone said they had to undo what the 'RELIGIOUS' mother did
to them. May I say here, when a Mother is bringing up her child as
Gods Word says, it is for the child's sake. Oh, and of course we don't
want our name defamed in anyway. I made mistakes, but I did have
2 out of 3 who were Christian .... still are. But finding Christ for their
own life.
One day I was walking down the street with my mom and God spoke
to my spirit..... "You are embarrassed to be with your mother." What
an eye opener that was. I repented and asked God to help me accept
her as she was. I loved my mom, but not her ways.
I did go through so much later in life with her. She hurt me too, yet
she was always there for me if I had a need. I don't mean to paint
her as a nasty woman, but she did cause my husband to dislike her
even more because she believed a lie, and told a family member and
from that time on, he had total disrespect for her and dislike for
her. It only got worse.
My daughter, the one she controlled and acted like she owned... made
some bad choices, and it led to her demise. Will finish that part in a
minute.
My dad... My mother thought I should put him in a nursing home because
.... well she was just tired of him. I would not do that to him. I loved my
dad. It turned out he had amputation of leg and had to go to nursing home
and she had me sign him in. I can't even remember how many times she
pulled him in and out of nursing home and she was always having me sign
him in. I would get letters from dad begging me ....please get me out of
here. His mind was good. So sad... Finally one day God released me
by His Word and He showed me I was not responsible for my father and
I did not have to do these things she requested. When time came she
wanted him transferred again, I was free to tell her... No, I am not
going to do this anymore. Finally dad did die... that left her with no one
to control.
She began overdosing on her meds and had to finally signed herself
in nursing home. In meantime, my daughter had only found herself
sinking deeper into a pit where she needed to live a clean life. My
mother blamed me for my daughter living in poverty. I did not tell
my mother what all I did for my daughter to see she had things she
needed. That again, another story.
This all led to my mother being upset with me and I would leave her
room in the nursing home, in tears, due to the venom she could spit
out. She blamed me for my daughters lifestyle. She resented me
because she was in nursing home. ( I had a husband who refused to
let her live with us.) She blamed me when my daughter died an
early death, age 45, by hypothermia.
At the funeral home I thought my mom would want consoled. I mean
we both loved my daughter. My daughter did begin to see what I had
endured through my marriage regarding my mom. But, like me, she
still loved my mother.
I go to casket and stand with my mother, thinking she might grieve
with me as we gazed at my daughter lying there. Nope. My mom was
as stiff toward me as my daughters body was in death.
We go back to sit for the funeral, and I sat beside my mom, thinking
surely she will want me to console her... Heck I was the mother whose
daughter was lying in the casket.... I needed consoled. My mother would
not talk to me. I realized.... she doesn't want me... so I asked my brother
discreetly if he would change chairs with me, passing it off as she needed
a male beside her. I thought that was hurtful enough... NOT.
She had to go back to nursing home and we went on to the cemetery.
Okay, I just lost a child... never mind she was 45 yrs old. I gave birth
to her at age 17. We were bonded for all those years. She was a
beautiful girl and had such love for people. She tried so hard to quit
drinking, and was ready to start over with her life. But death won out.
This was my daughter..... when I went to the nursing home, I wanted
my mom to hold me.... I was grieving... we shared my daughter in life.
But, my mother never acknowledged the fact I was hurting, and I
thought she would need me to minister to her. She totally ignored me.
One more time I left in tears....
A couple of years go by. I am still visiting my Mom at nursing home.
We never discussed the way things were between us. She just let
it fester and some visits were okay and some were uncomfortable.
Her mind was great. Her body was deteriorating and I had to see
she was getting care she needed.
I tell you this to let you know, we as mothers are not perfect.
I had to go through life, especially at the end of it, with a husband
and mother not liking one another. I had to know my mother had
never forgiven me for the path my precious daughter took.
The Day of her Death the nursing home called and asked if I
planned to visit. I at this point had been hurt by her again and
was not. I asked, not really, but should I ? Yes they said, and
my husband and I went to be with her and that was 11:00 AM
and she was told by aides, that I was there and she shook her
head NO..... she didn't want me. I told the girls it was okay... I
would stay. She ignored me, and was in throes of death and I
was blessed by God to pray and talk to her .... read scripture and
her final end.... was God giving me the Words that would release
her and watch her cross over from death to life.
It was a beautiful transition..... The main thing, I saw a Mother
glow and pass over to the other side, knowing she was with Jesus.
I did not grieve for her, and still don't. That was 2009. I think
of her, and I dream of her.
I needed to share with you and let you know... You are not alone in
your feelings. Yet as a Mother... we do try to do our best . I pray
for healing for you and your mother. But don't feel guilty. God
will show you the way... God bless you and many prayers.
[/QUOTE]
I know most of your advice has been from men, but if you don't mind, I
would like to share an experience with my mother from a woman as a daughter
and mother too.
I could relate as soon as I saw your first sentence. Without going into my
entire life history, I want to give some highlights. Some of the things I pull
out of other posters comments.
I did have a good relationship with my Mother because she was always
there for me. Again, there is a history there too, but I won't bore you.
I realized the reason I had good relationship was because she was very
manipulative and controlling. It was subtle and I did not see it. I really
did love my mom and thought I could never live without her. My husband
changed that fact immediately after our marriage.
I marry, had children. But I had one daughter before from brief marriage
as a teen, therefore my mother felt she was 'owner' of my daughter from
time she was in womb. I do appreciate my mother taking care of my baby
so I could finish my education.
Fast forward to my daughter at age 13. She liked to visit my mom and I
never thought about it. But my mom was really beginning to show a side
that was beginning to open my eyes. I since learned it was there my
daughter learned to drink beer and became an alcoholic later in life.
That is another story.
Someone said they had to undo what the 'RELIGIOUS' mother did
to them. May I say here, when a Mother is bringing up her child as
Gods Word says, it is for the child's sake. Oh, and of course we don't
want our name defamed in anyway. I made mistakes, but I did have
2 out of 3 who were Christian .... still are. But finding Christ for their
own life.
One day I was walking down the street with my mom and God spoke
to my spirit..... "You are embarrassed to be with your mother." What
an eye opener that was. I repented and asked God to help me accept
her as she was. I loved my mom, but not her ways.
I did go through so much later in life with her. She hurt me too, yet
she was always there for me if I had a need. I don't mean to paint
her as a nasty woman, but she did cause my husband to dislike her
even more because she believed a lie, and told a family member and
from that time on, he had total disrespect for her and dislike for
her. It only got worse.
My daughter, the one she controlled and acted like she owned... made
some bad choices, and it led to her demise. Will finish that part in a
minute.
My dad... My mother thought I should put him in a nursing home because
.... well she was just tired of him. I would not do that to him. I loved my
dad. It turned out he had amputation of leg and had to go to nursing home
and she had me sign him in. I can't even remember how many times she
pulled him in and out of nursing home and she was always having me sign
him in. I would get letters from dad begging me ....please get me out of
here. His mind was good. So sad... Finally one day God released me
by His Word and He showed me I was not responsible for my father and
I did not have to do these things she requested. When time came she
wanted him transferred again, I was free to tell her... No, I am not
going to do this anymore. Finally dad did die... that left her with no one
to control.
She began overdosing on her meds and had to finally signed herself
in nursing home. In meantime, my daughter had only found herself
sinking deeper into a pit where she needed to live a clean life. My
mother blamed me for my daughter living in poverty. I did not tell
my mother what all I did for my daughter to see she had things she
needed. That again, another story.
This all led to my mother being upset with me and I would leave her
room in the nursing home, in tears, due to the venom she could spit
out. She blamed me for my daughters lifestyle. She resented me
because she was in nursing home. ( I had a husband who refused to
let her live with us.) She blamed me when my daughter died an
early death, age 45, by hypothermia.
At the funeral home I thought my mom would want consoled. I mean
we both loved my daughter. My daughter did begin to see what I had
endured through my marriage regarding my mom. But, like me, she
still loved my mother.
I go to casket and stand with my mother, thinking she might grieve
with me as we gazed at my daughter lying there. Nope. My mom was
as stiff toward me as my daughters body was in death.
We go back to sit for the funeral, and I sat beside my mom, thinking
surely she will want me to console her... Heck I was the mother whose
daughter was lying in the casket.... I needed consoled. My mother would
not talk to me. I realized.... she doesn't want me... so I asked my brother
discreetly if he would change chairs with me, passing it off as she needed
a male beside her. I thought that was hurtful enough... NOT.
She had to go back to nursing home and we went on to the cemetery.
Okay, I just lost a child... never mind she was 45 yrs old. I gave birth
to her at age 17. We were bonded for all those years. She was a
beautiful girl and had such love for people. She tried so hard to quit
drinking, and was ready to start over with her life. But death won out.
This was my daughter..... when I went to the nursing home, I wanted
my mom to hold me.... I was grieving... we shared my daughter in life.
But, my mother never acknowledged the fact I was hurting, and I
thought she would need me to minister to her. She totally ignored me.
One more time I left in tears....
A couple of years go by. I am still visiting my Mom at nursing home.
We never discussed the way things were between us. She just let
it fester and some visits were okay and some were uncomfortable.
Her mind was great. Her body was deteriorating and I had to see
she was getting care she needed.
I tell you this to let you know, we as mothers are not perfect.
I had to go through life, especially at the end of it, with a husband
and mother not liking one another. I had to know my mother had
never forgiven me for the path my precious daughter took.
The Day of her Death the nursing home called and asked if I
planned to visit. I at this point had been hurt by her again and
was not. I asked, not really, but should I ? Yes they said, and
my husband and I went to be with her and that was 11:00 AM
and she was told by aides, that I was there and she shook her
head NO..... she didn't want me. I told the girls it was okay... I
would stay. She ignored me, and was in throes of death and I
was blessed by God to pray and talk to her .... read scripture and
her final end.... was God giving me the Words that would release
her and watch her cross over from death to life.
It was a beautiful transition..... The main thing, I saw a Mother
glow and pass over to the other side, knowing she was with Jesus.
I did not grieve for her, and still don't. That was 2009. I think
of her, and I dream of her.
I needed to share with you and let you know... You are not alone in
your feelings. Yet as a Mother... we do try to do our best . I pray
for healing for you and your mother. But don't feel guilty. God
will show you the way... God bless you and many prayers.
[/QUOTE]