Should an engaged man have a secret password on his text phone (from his fiancee)?

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Should an engaged person keep a secret phone/text password from mate?

  • Absolutely not. In marriage, 2 become 1.

    Votes: 4 36.4%

  • Probably not...

    Votes: 1 9.1%

  • Why not?

    Votes: 6 54.5%

  • Everyone deserves maximum privacy. Of course it's okay.

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Total voters
    11
S

Suzi44

Guest
Last week, I noticed my fiance (of a year and a half) has started texting a lot more often. Spending long times in the bathroom with his phone.

Okay, okay...you will all judge me now....but wait....I'm not perfect. I became insecure because he'd been talking less with me and texting others more (often from the bathroom!) I wanted to know if there's something i should know about BEFORE marriage. Therefore I tried a look at his phone, but he had added a password code to his phone.

(Pertinent fact: He USED TO LET me use his phone OFTEN, for games we played, and there was no password until last week after his texting in the bathroom for about 15 minutes!)

I told him the truth.
He said, well I want my privacy.
Me: I have no password on my phone and have nothing to hide from him.
I have doubts and concerns about marrying a man who has something to hide.
What's your opinion?
 
I would think that he's hiding something from you. If I had a serious boyfriend/fiance/husband, he would have access to my phone. I wouldn't have anything to hide from him except a surprise birthday party. Now, if my guy suddenly wouldn't let me see or check out his phone if he was acting funny, I would be very suspicious. Especially with the statement "I just want my privacy." I say seek counsel from your pastor. Because to me, it sounds like the guy is hiding another woman.
 
I have mixed feelings about this. I think when you are engaged or married to someone, you should trust them enough not to have to snoop through their private stuff. And I think everyone should have a right to their privacy.

But on the other hand, I think if there is reason for suspicion, it shouldn't be ignored. I'm still not sure snooping is always the answer. I'd suggest talking to him about it directly and asking if there is some reason he locks his phone? Wanting to know if he has something to hide is definitely a legitimate thing to discuss before marriage. If he's mature and seriously committed, he'll understand your concern.
 
He put a password on his phone so he can hide something from you. That's a red flag.
 
You are describing a man who is becoming more "closed" than "open". I am kind of wondering why you have a "fiance'" for a year and a half at your age??? That sounds more like "elevating" the relationship status.... just saying. I am all for marriage... but I don't think that guy is on the same track as you are.
 
coming from someones spouse who did absolutely everything you described...tell him to knock it off and be open or kick him to the curb.
 
ugh, now I feel led to add more mostly because of Relena's comment. Should you snoop in a marital or engaged relationship? No, but only because you shouldn't have to. When someone becomes as closed off as to spend more time on their phone than with their other half, and they are not going to be open about it, if the only reason is the right to privacy, chances are they're not going to be open or honest if you confront them about it, and if the couple is really that serious, their lives should be open to each other and it is her right to know what's going on with her fiance.

I only speak from experience.
 
wow... i appreciate everyone's ideas and opinions. they are helpful...thanks!!!


just a little confused by what BarlyGurl says regarding, why be engaged at my age... ?
i had a failed marriage before. and don't want to rush into another. (good thing i didn't marry by BF 6 months ago when he asked me to!) perhaps i was unclear about the time: we've been together a year and a half, engaged for 6 months. i wanted to wait 6 months more.

i still think there's hope for another marriage at my age....at ANY age. i know people who marry in their 70s and 80s....:rolleyes:

or did you mean something else that i didn't understand, BarleyGurl? can u clarify? thanks.
 
Suzi44 said:
Last week, I noticed my fiance (of a year and a half) has started texting a lot more often. Spending long times in the bathroom with his phone.

Okay, okay...you will all judge me now....but wait....I'm not perfect. I became insecure because he'd been talking less with me and texting others more (often from the bathroom!) I wanted to know if there's something i should know about BEFORE marriage. Therefore I tried a look at his phone, but he had added a password code to his phone.

(Pertinent fact: He USED TO LET me use his phone OFTEN, for games we played, and there was no password until last week after his texting in the bathroom for about 15 minutes!)

I told him the truth.
He said, well I want my privacy.
Me: I have no password on my phone and have nothing to hide from him.
I have doubts and concerns about marrying a man who has something to hide.
What's your opinion?
Click to expand...

He uses the phone privately in the toilet while you're visiting him or he's visiting you? That's bad manners to say the least.

By the way, you're not living in sin with him are you?
 
I agree with the folks on here who said that he is hiding something from you. The fact that you've been engaged for so long is also a red flag...you should have a wedding date picked out no later than a month into engagement, or else in my view you're not even really engaged. And it does NOT take a year and a half to plan a wedding.

The only times I've heard of a guy locking his girl out of his phone and "wanting privacy" was when there was an affair going on. Especially if he's going into the bathroom just to get away from you.

Yes, there is still much hope for marriage for you, but this guy is just not the right one.
 
thanks. no, we are NOT living in sin. he was visiting my place and while i cooked dinner, he went to the bathroom with his phone. says he had to "go" and wanted to play a game while he was in there (a game which is usually accompanied by sounds/music, but this time it was oddly silent. just sayin').

i did not express the engagement length of time clearly in my original post. we met a year and a half ago. decided to be "exclusive" within a week, at his request. after dating exclusively for a year, he wanted to get married immediately and bought a ring. which i love. but i said, let's wait till we know each other a little longer. perhaps it was God telling me i needed to know more about this man before getting married.
 
Suzi44 said:
Last week, I noticed my fiance (of a year and a half) has started texting a lot more often. Spending long times in the bathroom with his phone.

Okay, okay...you will all judge me now....but wait....I'm not perfect.
Click to expand...

I stopped reading at this point. You come to a site full of people you don't know, and accuse us of judging you before you even finish typing the post.
 
i meant no offense to the others on here. i was partially judging myself for snooping. but in honesty, i said that about judging because i've read some of YOUR previous posts, Ugly, and was afraid you might have something mean to say to me, as you have been a bit harsh with others.
sadly, it looks like my prediction about you was right. i wish my insights were as good when judging a man to date and fall in love with.
 
Suzi44 said:
thanks. no, we are NOT living in sin. he was visiting my place and while i cooked dinner, he went to the bathroom with his phone. says he had to "go" and wanted to play a game while he was in there (a game which is usually accompanied by sounds/music, but this time it was oddly silent. just sayin').

i did not express the engagement length of time clearly in my original post. we met a year and a half ago. decided to be "exclusive" within a week, at his request. after dating exclusively for a year, he wanted to get married immediately and bought a ring. which i love. but i said, let's wait till we know each other a little longer. perhaps it was God telling me i needed to know more about this man before getting married.
Click to expand...

The first time around, you made it seem as though this was a new but increasingly recurring behaviour on his part. If it's just once so far, you've jumped the gun and should see if it continues. If, on the other hand, he continues his awkward bathroom vocation you should express your concerns to him just as you've done here and ask to see him remove the password and show you the texts he's been sending. If he refuses, I think you know what to do. Hope this helps.
 
thanks. the texting behavior is not entirely new. he texts an awful lot in my presence, he has done from the beginning. i always thought it was kind of rude, but let i had quietly it go, especially because he had been free with his phone, sharing games with me, reading me some of his friends' texts, etc in the past.

what is new is the longer times spent (quietly) in the bathroom with the phone, the addition of a password!!! and then the defensive statement about wanting privacy. i will talk with him. i'm sad about what i probably will have to do.
 
Suzi44 said:
wow... i appreciate everyone's ideas and opinions. they are helpful...thanks!!!


just a little confused by what BarlyGurl says regarding, why be engaged at my age... ?
i had a failed marriage before. and don't want to rush into another. (good thing i didn't marry by BF 6 months ago when he asked me to!) perhaps i was unclear about the time: we've been together a year and a half, engaged for 6 months. i wanted to wait 6 months more.
i still think there's hope for another marriage at my age....at ANY age. i know people who marry in their 70s and 80s....:rolleyes:
or did you mean something else that i didn't understand, BarleyGurl? can u clarify? thanks.
Click to expand...

No Problem... I questioned you having a fiance' for 1 1/2 years... which is a REALLY LONG TIME to people of (our) mature age. Usually Christian Couples our age who are serious about being re-married have about a 6-month waiting period between the engagement and the wedding. Sometimes, women will use "vocabulary" as a means of elevating the status of a relationship... you have probably seen that before? Anyway, with your clarification... I see that you haven't actually been engaged for 1 1/2 years... which could also speak to "his" lack of sincerity... but doesn't because the delay is on account of you. All sorted out now???

BTW... I seriously hope to be remarried LONG before I am 70!:eek:
 
Technically, the "two become one" shouldn't apply to an engagement. :)
 
Ugly said:
I stopped reading at this point. You come to a site full of people you don't know, and accuse us of judging you before you even finish typing the post.
Click to expand...

Never mind Ugly... sometimes he just wants people to know he is present... even tho he has nothing to contribute to the topic.
 
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