H
Hopein2010
Guest
SINGLE MOM TO BE UNDER ALOT OF STRESS, DEPRESSION & DESPAIRE
Am Hope from Nairobi Kenya.
I have been born again from the time I was a girl. By the grace of God I have been able to walk with Christ, serving Him wholeheartedly. This does not mean that my life has been smooth all the way. I have had challenges but my good God has been making ways for me through His loving kindness that is better than life.
In mid last year I got myself into lots of problems that am still not able to get out of and I can’t predict its end. I was in a r/ship for about 6months .We started off well, laid down our principles and thought thing would work out well being that we were both born again and had committed this issue in the most able hands of God. Personally, I had no one at that time and my then fiancée had just broken up with his ex.I told him that we only need to commit to each other on condition that we are both serious since and jokes has to be put aside and I was assured that all shall be well. We fellowship in the same church and this guy was a leading a Home Bible Church.
Two months down the line, I began to suspect that this brother was not honest. I prayed to God to reveal for me any hidden secretes about him which God did. One day after church he called and asked me if i had food since he wanted to my place with a visitor. Since I had food ,I told him that all was fine. So they came home with a lady, whom he introduced to be the one leading intercession during the overnight prayers in our church. To me things were not adding up. I could sense a lot of tension and my guts told me that this has nothing to do with intercession or whatever. Since I didn’t want to judge yet, I served them with food without any comment. Later, he could receive wired calls sometime when we are together from the said lady that raised a red flag and confirmed my previous feelings about their r/ship. Any sms received or sent to his cell phone was always deleted immediately and that was another confirmation that something is going on.
So I came to realize that this brother was relating with two more sisters in the same church and another one in the neighboring estate but he denied completely like any other man would do. Even though he admitted that the 3other sister were pushing him to marry them, to him that was a small problem since he loves me and has vowed to remain with me till marriage. He gave me an assurance by giving me an engagement ring and asked me that we can go and be introduced by our Bishop in church to put this other ladies off his back. To me this was just a cover up. I told him to sober up, make up his mind and decide who is going to marry. I also told him that since he is a mature Kenyan, he is free to marry anyone he loves .Since I could tell whether he is also telling this other ladies that am the one pushing him , I thought it was not right for him to go introduce me in the same church. That would mean using me against other ladies as will automatically bring confusion and hatred in the church of God.
All this time I was updating our home bible pastor(my mentor) of what was happen even though he had shifted his base to his rural home to take care of his sick mother. He also advised me to take time, pray about our r/ship and make sure I hear from God before taking up any step. He could not understand why my then fiancée wanted us to move with speed while there was a lot of confusion and mistrust in the first place. Finally, God revealed to me that this worries about this brother was true. I met him having an a fair with his ex-girlfriend on two occasions within a period of one week. The first time I did not talk since I hate reacting when am in anger. The second time, God gave me the grace to address the issue. While the three of us were there, I asked him to tell me the truth who he is intending to marry. I told him that I we have to walk in the light since God is light. In his response ,he said that he is not intending to marry any of us but another lady (the one he had brought to my house before).So this confirmed to me that this guy had not been faithful from the beginning .I was so hurt and a week later I returned his ring.
It was during this time that our home bible pastor came and heard about what had happened. So he decided to bring us back together saying that where a ring has been given is a sign of covenant that should not be brocken. Since they are coming with this brother from the same area, he said that people will say that he misadvised me not to marry that guy. So he was feeling guilty of his previous advises. I disagreed with him since It was not his advise that made me to return the ring but the fact that this brother was just but a pretender in the church who can go with any lady in skirt. Not unless the brother accepted that he was wrong and repent sincerely, there is no way I could continue with that kind of a r/ship coz it will definitely get worse when we marry. But our pastor said that I was a bitter person and that is not right .I need to forgive this guy and continue with the r/ship since that’s how many r/ships begin. To me ,he was just justifying myself since he thought maybe people from their community would blame him to have been involved in this brother affairs. The brother himself
a shame.I told him that abortion is not possible with me ,I don’t want to be a murderer by shedding blood blamed me for having returned the ring. He didn’t want to know the reason and the course of all this and as a result ,he gave the same ring to that other lady within a period of one week. So he cant promise to take it back coz he also introduced the same lady to some church member hence the chance of us continuing stands at 50:50.This did not end like that since our home bible pastor insisted that he needs to forgive me and see how we can reconcile since what was happening was not right.
After sometimes, he came to my house blaming me seriously for having told our pastor about what was happening. He insisted that he had to sleep with me. Even though we had not reconciled and I was not willing, that it was happened. After sometimes ,I realized that I was pregnant and when I informed him, he told me to about since he has a vision of being a pastor and cannot stand such of an innocent child because of our irresponsibility. I also told him that there is no need of covering up since so that people may continue looking at us angels since we covered up a wrong with a wrong. But he said that we have to terminate the pregnancy since he had gotten a six month contract in Sudan and cannot push for our wedding at that time. He pleaded with me to do that for his sake and he cant withstand such a shame. He also told me that many people have done abortion even in church and am not better than them and agreed that that blood shed be counted on him, he also promised now to marry me early this year immediately he is back. Since I didn’t want to argue too much, I just told him fine, I will abort if it be the will of God. Deep in my heart, I new that that he is also promising marriage coz he want to see the baby aborted and nothing else so I will not even think of that.
I was feeling bad ,I could spend the rest of my time crying anytime I was alone. I called a church councilor to share with my problems but she promised to call me back so that we can meet share but she didn’t. I prayed to God ,asked for forgiveness and grace to continue with life since I felt like my world was coming to an end and no one could understand me at that particular time. I felt a sudden peace and that was a sign that my since have been washed away. I decided to move from where was staying to another area to help me forget of anything that could remind me of this brother. I shared with some very few close friends. About 3 of them gave me very positive support and a shoulder to lead on but some of them could believe or understand me .so I decided to move on with life until in December when that
My mentor/Pastor came t o the city, I called him to tell him what had happen. He told me that I have to prove that that brother raped me or else I consider carefully Deut 22:23-27.He told me that he has already communicated this matter to our Bishop and that implies that I prepare to meet him. I told him that vs 24 applies in my case and so they can stone me to death if they so wish to set an example to the rest. Whenever he discusses this issue with me ,I find my self so disturbed and I had told him that I don’t want to justify anything because am already in problem. After all, am due in 3months time and when they are reminding me of the past I develop a severe depression. He still talk of that man coming back to my life which causes me night mare. To him ,he insist that am covering evil and that why I moved and cannot go to church frequently, but as far as am concerned, I just needed peace to be able to have safe delivery and any other thing can be sorted out later. After all ,the said brother is out of the country but he should be coming back any time from now. Since he is pushing me too much, I told him that they better act and do to me whatever they think I deserve instead of putting me in an akward situation as am always guessing my next fate.
Am confused and don’t know what to do. Am even wondering why I had to be open to this pastor coz he is the one who is adding me pressure. While I was in my lonely house, I had peace, I could even pray. In fact, am grateful to God that he gave me good health during the past 7months of my pregnancy. But now I have been sick coz of the pressure am receiving from the church and my family members. Being the main bread winner, am not able to support my family members as before since I have to try to save for my delivery bill and for the child. And because I do not have a good income ,my sister and my brother has to stay out of school and collage since I cant make it any more. Am all alone in this and am not expecting support from anyone yet family too do not understand me.
My stand Is I accept to forgive this brother but I cannot afford to marry him. The only task I might put him to is to pay for my baby’s maintenance so that my baby may not suffer. I don’t know what my pastor is aiming at and how everything else will end.
Please advice and pray for me
God Bless you all