So... I have a problem... and it's not with attracting women, but... choosing which 1

[DABEARS85]

I don't know about the others, but I never tried to say your relationships ending was even half your fault. I pointed out that no one is without flaws, and that if your only apparently flaws were that you were too kind and dated the wrong girls, then work on those flaws in particular.

For example, some guys have the flaw of having a "hero complex." You know the type, the guys who want to date girls with the hope of somehow "saving" them from some life issue or another. These guys could be great fellows, but it is still a flaw to date girls they know are trouble just because of some antiquated ideal of being a hero.

I understand what you were saying, and I appreciate the advice, but I believe my original post more or less resolved this situation in the first place. My post was relating why I am jaded, but it also expressed the standard that I've set for the woman that I am willing to date now. When I meant that I needed a girl to "sweep ME off my feet," I meant it in a way that I am unwilling to go back to the quality of woman I have previously dated. Before, as I said in my previous post, my standard was set on the beauty of a girl on the outside, and the inside was always lacking substance. Now, I find that I need a girl to have beauty on the inside as well, or I am unwilling to date her. A lot of you women took offense to this, seeing as I have received quite a few negative rep points, and some very naive and ignorant comments within them. Generally, the posts I received in this thread weren't as harsh, but the rep comments, which are anonymous, are very different than what I would expect from a christian person to say to another fellow christian. I believe some of you need to really look in the mirror, and you need to open your hearts and your minds just a bit. I'm not writing that directly toward you lil-rush, but I think it needed to be said. Based on some of the feedback I've received, I believe a lot of women on CC forums are very bitter and angry at men for being who they are. I expressed myself in a post that I wrote for myself, and I have received a lot of negative feedback in the anonymous form. I respect people's opinions, but I cannot respect such harsh criticism for just being who I am. If you disagree with me, then simply do not read any further. I accept all advice, but I don't believe I was asking for it either. Opinions are always welcome, but to be unnecessarily harsh, taking the "I am more knowledgeable than thou" attitude doesn't strike me as appealing in any sense of the word. I understand my flaws, but I also don't agree that I need to fix them beyond what I have already done. I am not struggling beyond relating my past, and why I feel jaded by it. That doesn't affect who I am beyond the type of woman I am willing to date at this point, and so I don't feel it to be a flaw. Beyond that, I have plenty of flaws, but no more than the rest of the world.

So for you, your "flaw" is that you date girls you know have issues. This doesn't make you a bad person. However, it does present you with a character flaw you should work on so as to avoid painful relationships with girls that will leave you feeling even more jaded than you feel now.

From the start, my only aim in responding to this thread was to try and give you advice. I never responded to try to attack you or say you were horrible. Those thoughts did not cross my mind. It would have been a malicious thing to do to speak ill to you in a thread where you were expressing obvious hurt. So if it sounded like I was speaking ill to you, I do believe you misconstrued my intent.

I don't believe it is a character flaw at all. That is my point. I understand that you do, but it is my experience that every human on the face of this earth has "issues". If you find it a character flaw to date a person with them, then I believe you need to look in the mirror and realize that as humans, we are all full of them. If you mean this as I date women that are less than beautiful on the inside, then I agree with you, although I believe I have resolved that. I have received plenty of negative feedback from many angry women who seem to believe I am wrong for wanting beauty on the inside as well as the outside, and yet you seem to feel it is a character flaw to not want that. As a man, I think it just points out how everyone has differing opinions on everything, and women are no the cohesive group of people that we all come to expect in these forums.

Also, knowing that everyone has "issues", being a "hero" mentality as I may be, I don't find it a flaw. It is simply my own personality as a person. I'm not sure if you've ever heard of the Jungian Personality Types, but I am an ENFP. You seem to be more of a J instead of P, which is perfectly acceptable, but my behavior might seem crazy to you, as yours might to me, but neither are wrong. It is just the different perspectives that a brain may think in, and the different types of personalities that we are born with. Everyone thinks differently, and I think in my own way.

Let me copy paste what I mean:

http://www.keirsey.com/handler.aspx?s=keirsey&f=fourtemps&tab=3&c=champion

Like the other Idealists, Champions are rather rare, say two or three percent of the population, but even more than the others they consider intense emotional experiences as being vital to a full life. Champions have a wide range and variety of emotions, and a great passion for novelty. They see life as an exciting drama, pregnant with possibilities for both good and evil, and they want to experience all the meaningful events and fascinating people in the world. The most outgoing of the Idealists, Champions often can't wait to tell others of their extraordinary experiences. Champions can be tireless in talking with others, like fountains that bubble and splash, spilling over their own words to get it all out. And usually this is not simple storytelling; Champions often speak (or write) in the hope of revealing some truth about human experience, or of motivating others with their powerful convictions. Their strong drive to speak out on issues and events, along with their boundless enthusiasm and natural talent with language, makes them the most vivacious and inspiring of all the types.
Fiercely individualistic, Champions strive toward a kind of personal authenticity, and this intention always to be themselves is usually quite attractive to others. At the same time, Champions have outstanding intuitive powers and can tell what is going on inside of others, reading hidden emotions and giving special significance to words or actions. In fact, Champions are constantly scanning the social environment, and no intriguing character or silent motive is likely to escape their attention. Far more than the other Idealists, Champions are keen and probing observers of the people around them, and are capable of intense concentration on another individual. Their attention is rarely passive or casual. On the contrary, Champions tend to be extra sensitive and alert, always ready for emergencies, always on the lookout for what's possible.

Champions are good with people and usually have a wide range of personal relationships. They are warm and full of energy with their friends. They are likable and at ease with colleagues, and handle their employees or students with great skill. They are good in public and on the telephone, and are so spontaneous and dramatic that others love to be in their company. Champions are positive, exuberant people, and often their confidence in the goodness of life and of human nature makes good things happen.




Does this explain me just a bit better? Not everything is completely me, but the majority is right on que. You may not be this same personality type, but it doesn't mean you are wrong. It just means you think differently. That being said, what you see as a character flaw, I see as a character strength. My willingness to make someone a better person is part of who I am, and yet it may not be a part of who you are. I can honestly say that every relationship I have ever been in, I have taken and have given quite a bit in making the other person at least a little bit better on the inside. I feel blessed to have met everyone in my life, and by me being jaded, I just feel that I don't have the same excitement as I once did. Excitement in life, good and bad, is what makes me who I am. I feel jaded when I don't have that. Perhaps, that will explain my situation just a slightly bit better.

 

[DABEARS85]

Lol, I think we all suffer from foot in the mouth disease sometimes. It's too bad that the Christian girls you know in your area aren't attractive. It doesn't help that we "good girls" are boring too. Don't apologize; I know I'm boring. I'm a nerd, too. I embrace my...*yawn*... well, I'm a dork, and I'm okay with it.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm a HUGE dork myself. There's nothing wrong with being a dork though Just take it and own it like it's yours haha. Half the "cool" trends in the world are started by dorks anyway! Someone else finds it cool and the rest all follow, so the dorks are the ones that change the world

But, bashing you is so much fun! Hehe. So, ask questions instead, hmm....? What kinds of questions? How about... "What's your idea of a perfect date?" Lol. Okay, no question ideas. Wow, I think I'm even goofier tonight. Lack of sleep does that to me.

I seriously need to go pack. And then sleep.

Bashing me is not fun! anyway...

What's my idea of a perfect date? Do you mean the girl or the actual date? I wouldn't know perfect if it slapped me in the face, so this is a tough one. If I can make something idealogical and completely unrealistic... then my perfect date would to go backpack Europe with someone lol. If you can backpack multiple countries and share that experience together while not trying to kill each other at the end of it, then that girl is probably a keeper! My passion in life is to travel and go on new adventures so... yeah haha. There's my perfect date. Unrealistic, but it would be nice!

 

[jangel]

So where this thread is going now?….
I personally like the way you handle your relationship and how affectionate you are as a person. The last guy I’ve been dating for 6 mos, I can say you have in common in terms of relationship.
I don’t like him at first but when I got to know him better , how he handles me and all the things he’d done for me, I simply appreciate it.
He is someone who won’t ask anything from you but by just simply being with him.
Someone who out of his busy sched will still try to spent time with me . He’s like a guy who is strong in the outside but very gentle in the inside, a guy who just wanted to be loved…but… I just have to end it.

Being who you are I don’t see anything wrong, except you share it to the wrong person, every unsuccessful relationship will make us a better…lover next time?
You deserve a better girl and I know you’ll find that girl in the right time, everyone gets jaded so… have a break!

 

[lil-rush]

I understand what you were saying, and I appreciate the advice, but I believe my original post more or less resolved this situation in the first place. My post was relating why I am jaded, but it also expressed the standard that I've set for the woman that I am willing to date now. When I meant that I needed a girl to "sweep ME off my feet," I meant it in a way that I am unwilling to go back to the quality of woman I have previously dated. Before, as I said in my previous post, my standard was set on the beauty of a girl on the outside, and the inside was always lacking substance. Now, I find that I need a girl to have beauty on the inside as well, or I am unwilling to date her.

okie dokie then

I don't believe it is a character flaw at all. That is my point. I understand that you do, but it is my experience that every human on the face of this earth has "issues". If you find it a character flaw to date a person with them, then I believe you need to look in the mirror and realize that as humans, we are all full of them. If you mean this as I date women that are less than beautiful on the inside, then I agree with you, although I believe I have resolved that.

A person should constantly be striving to improve himself. We can never reach perfection, but we can strive for it. I realize everyone has flaws, but that does not mean we can be lackadaisical about it and not attempt to overcome said flaws.

I have received plenty of negative feedback from many angry women who seem to believe I am wrong for wanting beauty on the inside as well as the outside, and yet you seem to feel it is a character flaw to not want that.

Wait. What do I view as a character flaw?

As a man, I think it just points out how everyone has differing opinions on everything, and women are no the cohesive group of people that we all come to expect in these forums.

Yeah, we ladies don't have a uni-mind. lol

Also, knowing that everyone has "issues", being a "hero" mentality as I may be, I don't find it a flaw. It is simply my own personality as a person. I'm not sure if you've ever heard of the Jungian Personality Types, but I am an ENFP. You seem to be more of a J instead of P, which is perfectly acceptable, but my behavior might seem crazy to you, as yours might to me, but neither are wrong. It is just the different perspectives that a brain may think in, and the different types of personalities that we are born with.

I don't know about the letters, but last time I took that sort of test it said I was mostly Melancholic.

I realize people think differently. That doesn't mean certain characteristics people have are suddenly good or flawless. I over-analyze things, because that is my personality. That doesn't make over-analyzing a good thing, does it?

Everyone thinks differently, and I think in my own way.

I wish everyone could just think like me. It would make life less confusing. I honestly do not understand what people are thinking half the time, even when they explain it to me (like you have). It just doesn't make sense, the things people do.

http://www.keirsey.com/handler.aspx?s=keirsey&f=fourtemps&tab=3&c=champion

says I'm ISTJ. Basically, I don't understand your emotions, and would prefer you respond to me logically.
linkie: ISTJ Profile

Does this explain me just a bit better? Not everything is completely me, but the majority is right on que. You may not be this same personality type, but it doesn't mean you are wrong. It just means you think differently.

yeah

That being said, what you see as a character flaw, I see as a character strength. My willingness to make someone a better person is part of who I am, and yet it may not be a part of who you are. I can honestly say that every relationship I have ever been in, I have taken and have given quite a bit in making the other person at least a little bit better on the inside. I feel blessed to have met everyone in my life, and by me being jaded, I just feel that I don't have the same excitement as I once did. Excitement in life, good and bad, is what makes me who I am. I feel jaded when I don't have that. Perhaps, that will explain my situation just a slightly bit better.

A characteristic of a person can be a flaw and a strength, depending on the specific situations. For example, my tendency to care more about facts and logic instead of emotions can be a flaw when someone doesn't need advice but needs sympathy instead. On the flip side, it can be a strength when someone needs advice instead of sympathy.

For you, trying to help people with issues can be a strength when you are able to help that person. It becomes a flaw when you allow your desire to help people draw you into destructive relationships.

 

[FireWire]

I can relate to that. I've had one relationship and it's been nearly three years since she dumped me. She cheated on me and told me I'm not a leader and wouldn't be a good father (obviously not to her two boys). She was on some sort of medication and I believe she was bipolar. She also said I wasn't tender enough but neither was she and even if I tried to be I don't think sugar and salt mixed together would taste very nice. It seems she was trying to say I'm not a real man and gave me a book to read - Wild at Heart by John Eldredge on the same day she admitted that she had cheated. It didn't really do much for me apart from a few theological insights.

The situation now is I've never come across anybody I'd be happy with and they've never been happy with me so that's an impasse. It may well be a logical impasse for that matter.

I'm quite happy being single and have no desire to have children nor a wife. I wouldn't give up my freedom on the basis that the next relationship might/could turn out the same. It's just too great a price to pay.

 

[sandstorm7]

Also, I know you've said that I will not find the right girl with the attitude that I have, and I strongly disagree with you on all levels. I'm sorry to bring the age factor into it, but I am far older than you, and my life experiences probably outweigh yours in a general level. You are too young to really have done a lot of things, and so for you tell me that I am wrong in knowing the type of person that I want, and yet your own values in a person are correct, is somewhat naive. I mean that in the nicest way possible hun, but I also know not to listen to everyone that gives advice for the sake of giving it. What I want in a woman is definitely not unattainable by any means. I want someone that is honest, caring, and beautiful inside and out. Perhaps it is a very high bar to set, but I would rather stay single than let that bar sink any further than it is. I am content with that, plain and simple. For me to know that I want a girl that has a big heart and personality, someone who is honest and trustworthy, someone who will not act like a little brat simply because men treat her nice for being pretty, I believe that is something that is worth striving for. If you find that unattainable, then perhaps it is the women of the world that need to really look in the mirror and realize the flaws of society and themselves. For me to simply want a girl that actually takes CHRISTIAN values to heart, unlike the majority of women in the world, and for me to set my bar to the point where she needs that instilled in her, I find that to be a quality standard. If you do not, then perhaps all of you so called "christian" women need to change yourselves, instead of giving advice to those that know what they want already.

Simply put, I know what I want and I will make sure I get it. I won't lower my values or my standards in the spouse that I want just because a few women are angry that I set my standard as being beautiful both inside and out. Before, my bar was set simply on the outside, and the inside was always lacking. That is why I'm jaded, and therefore I regress, I have found that the inside of a person matters just as much, if not more so, than the outside. I won't change that, I won't accept less, and if you are offended by that, so be it.

When I said that, I was not referring to the standards that you have for a spouse. I never once said that you are wrong for setting standards for yourself and knowing what you want. On the contrary, I feel that it is extremely important to know this so that, when you do go on dates, you know the kind of person you are looking for. I see no sense in feeling as though you are "selling yourself short" in any area of a relationship. I myself have a list of core values and standards that I need to see in a guy and I refuse to compromise on those. Obviously some compromises are needed in a relationship, but I don't think they should involve qualities that you feel are extremely important to you. So no, when I said you won't find the girl you are looking for with that attitude, I wasn't referring to the high standards you have set for yourself, because I agree with that. I was referring to the attitude you have that is making you come across as self-absorbed and a bit cocky. To me, it sounds like you want a great Christian girl who will also try to make YOU happy, and not the other way around as it has been in the past for you. I just know that a woman would desire to please you and "sweep you off your feet" if you had a bit of a different attitude.

Also, in my opinion, being single is a great opportunity for you to serve God. Think about it. You're no longer held down by the responsibilities that are involved with a relationship. It's just you and God. I honestly believe that through constant prayer God will open your eyes to His will for you. And I think THAT should be your focus. And I think that once that is the focus, the right girl will come into your life. The one that satisfies all of the criteria you have.

 

[DABEARS85]

I was referring to the attitude you have that is making you come across as self-absorbed and a bit cocky. To me, it sounds like you want a great Christian girl who will also try to make YOU happy, and not the other way around as it has been in the past for you. I just know that a woman would desire to please you and "sweep you off your feet" if you had a bit of a different attitude.

When I posted that link of my personality type, I believe firmly in that type of stuff. My personality type as an ENFP is almost exactly me, which can just be really hard to understand for other people. I understand that I can be viewed as pretty self-absorbed and cocky to others who don't understand me, but I'm not really sure that is the reality of me or my situation. A lot of what I wrote, I wrote for myself. I was just sharing an experience in my life, rather than doing it to help others I guess. In that respect, it was very self absorbing, but the intentions were not meant to be.

As far as me wanting a Christian girl that will make ME happy, I agree wholeheartedly in that. That is who I am. I NEED assurance. I NEED to know that she is happy with me. I'm not a good match with someone who is very inward with their feelings and emotions, because I am completely different from that. I wear my emotions and my heart on my sleeve, and I am just not happy when I'm not allowed to share in someone else's as well. I spend my life attempting to make those I care about happy, but some people just do not have the capability or comfort level to show that happiness back. Some people are very inward with their feelings and emotions, and I as a person cannot tolerate that. I'm not happy unless I know I make my significant other happy as well, and I've realized (based on a really big study of the personality types) that not everyone is like me. Some people are just unable to really show affection back in the way that I need, and I simply refuse to date that type of personality again. As I've said, I've done that, and I've done my best to make anyone I'm with more than happy. I'm sort of wondering if you've even read all of my posts in this thread, because I'm sure that I've stated enough ways of how I've gone out of my way in every way possible to give as much as I could. My biggest problem is getting it back, at least in a small way. I don't expect everything I give to be given back, but I do expect a smile, a thank you, a laugh, anything. Some people just are not comfortable with giving that, and I've realized through my experience that I am not happy without that. If that makes me have an attitude, then I will accept my attitude with a whole heart. I know what I need to be happy, and that means I need affection back.

When I've said that I need her to sweep me off my feet instead of the other way around, I feel that I need to know she is willing to give back at least a little bit before I give all of myself again. I guess I just don't really care if anyone is put off by that statement, because for me, I know myself, and I know I will never be happy with someone that is unwilling to do so. I've dated a lot of women who do not give back and seem very selfish to me in that respect, and I am unwilling to go that route again. Perhaps, they were just introverted with their feelings, but I can't handle that type of relationship again. They have all sucked the life out of me, and through those experiences, I've learned exactly what I require in a relationship. I'm sorry if you disagree with my sentiments, but I know myself. Basically, I need someone that opens up to me just as much as I open up to them. I need feelings, emotions, adoration, and love. I'm a bad match with anyone that is unable to give that comfortably. Quite a bit of women are unable to directly show that, and it takes me all my effort to get them to open up even slightly. That type of effort wears me down when they eventually don't let those walls down and show themselves for exactly who they are. As lil-rush stated, she is an ISTJ. Based on that personality type, she is probably more based on a schedule and guidlines, more of a straight forward responsible type, and pretty even keel as far as emotions and all of those things go. For me, to date someone like that is hell. I'm completely spontaneous, completely free flowing with my emotions and behavior, and I cannot STAND structure and schedules. For instance, if I go on a vacation, I plan nothing. I leave on a random time, on a random day, without planning or structure, and I enjoy the feeling of being free to do as I please within my own time frame. I couldn't have fun whatsoever on a tour guided structure type of vacation, for instance. That is the type of person I am, so when I say I need my partner to make ME happy, I mean it in a behavioral sense. I need someone that is more of a free spirit like me, rather than completely uncomfortable with anything that waivers from everyday routine and structure. While in the military, I struggled everyday with daily routines that that type of situation requires. To put it plainly, I was bored out of my mind when I wasn't on deployment, going on new adventures and seeing new things. I get bored out of my mind with 9-5 jobs that have the same old routine tasks. Part of the reason I'm an English major and probably a teacher when I'm done, is that I get large sections of vacations, and despite the 7-4 work hours, the different I deal with and the difference of everyday make me content with that type of situation.

All that being said, I need someone that shows their happiness with me. Someone that opens up their feelings and emotions, and who will give that back to me freely. If I don't get that, I'm not happy, and so that is what I meant when I said I need them to sweep me of my feet. I need them to give that back, or I am completely at a loss for being happy back. Simply put, I need an outward showing of affection and love, which is as simple as saying it. Others can only show and feel it with actions instead of words, but to me they are interchangeable.

Also, in my opinion, being single is a great opportunity for you to serve God. Think about it. You're no longer held down by the responsibilities that are involved with a relationship. It's just you and God. I honestly believe that through constant prayer God will open your eyes to His will for you. And I think THAT should be your focus. And I think that once that is the focus, the right girl will come into your life. The one that satisfies all of the criteria you have.

I agree with you wholeheartedly on this, but I also don't think that being single is the only time to do this. I never cease with my devotions to growing a closer relationship with Christ, and so being single doesn't affect that much in me. It does give me more time, but even in a relationship I do my best to continue what I always do in that. Being single or being in a relationship shouldn't affect your devotion to God, ideally. That is why I disagree when everyone gives advice to "use this time to grow closure to God" instead of just advising someone to do that at ALL times, single or otherwise.

 

[lil-rush]

Some people are just unable to really show affection back in the way that I need, and I simply refuse to date that type of personality again.

Sorry, I know you are being serious, but sometimes I read things and silly scenarios play out in my mind based on that statement. In particular, I just had an image of you handing out personality tests to each of your future potential girlfriends, and saying "I need you to take this to make sure you will be emotionally extroverted enough to match my personality."

Heh heh, that would be epic.

 

[DABEARS85]

Sorry, I know you are being serious, but sometimes I read things and silly scenarios play out in my mind based on that statement. In particular, I just had an image of you handing out personality tests to each of your future potential girlfriends, and saying "I need you to take this to make sure you will be emotionally extroverted enough to match my personality."

Heh heh, that would be epic.

LOL you aren't exactly off with that statement, however funny it may be! Actually... after a while dating the last few girls... I DID have them take that personality test! Lol! It may be funny to think about, but it helped them understand me a LOT better, and it helped me understand them too. Honestly, I think that type of stuff is really conductive for becoming closer and helping alleviate fights and misunderstandings of each others' behavior.

Now, I don't go into things thinking "ohhh I wonder if this girl is an INTJ or an ESTP or whatever haha. I just find that... when in a relationship... you tend to not completely understand each other sometimes, and it helps to know how that person thinks.

Like... when I meet someone I'm interested in... I IMMEDIATELY have this need to understand them at a deeper level. Like, I need to know what makes them tick, what they are feeling and thinking, etc etc etc. I don't know why. A lot of times, I can already tell without asking, but my last ex for instance, I couldn't understand her at all. I couldn't grasp the way her mind worked, and it just frustrated me beyond belief. She was not the type to just openly say "i love you" very much, she wasn't the type that needed to be close all the time or need to be around me more than a couple times a week at most. It frustrated me to no end to not really be able to figure out how she ticked. I ended up making her take one of those personality tests, and it actually helped me understand her better, and vice versa. Either way, we were a complete and utter failure on the personality level. I'm the completely free spirit expressive type, and she was the completely duty filled, responsible, right on schedule introverted type. She needed things to be routine and structured, and that just irks me to no end. I need things to be different and exciting everyday, or I get bored out of my mind haha. Basically, she drove me crazy, and I drove her crazy as well. Opposites definitely attracted in that sense, but it doesn't work for a long term relationship.

That being said, I LOVED how she was so dependable on all areas of life. She was basically the perfect "housewife" type. She was like the structured "safe haven" for me no matter what life threw at me. She was like Peter... the rock. I'm not like that at all. I'm able to be responsible and do all of the things life requires of me, but I crave excitement and drama and new adventures constantly to feel alive. She was so opposite from that... and I think that was the downfall of everything from the get go.

Her "issues" didn't help anything at all either, but I did help her express them, and probably deal with them a bit more than anyone else had ever done for her. I wasn't the rock that she probably wanted, but I was definitely someone different and interesting that probably attracted her a bit. I basically forced her to open up and express all her feelings and emotions, but it was completely uncomfortable for her to do so. I do think it helped her deal with them all, but I wish I could have helped her get away from her past life of cheating and dating so many men and having them all enter and exit her life so fast. Perhaps, that was her routine that she was so dependable on, and I removed that from her while I dated her. I was the only guy she had dated in the last couple years that she never cheated on, so at least in that, I feel special. I just wish I could have helped her become closer to a Christian lifestyle... monogamous and happy with the person she is with, instead of focusing on her past tragedies and refusing to get close to anyone since then. Ahhh well...

 

[Theron]

i understand what you mean brother, i go through the same thing, this thread speaks alot of whats on my heart

 

[DABEARS85]

I'm on a role today with this whole "personality trait" thing... haha I need to stop... but I figure since you all sort of don't understand where I'm coming from in a lot of ways... I'll post one more thing. I have another thread about the personality trait things going on too... I guess it striked up my interest today... but I guess this fits here... so here it goes... Oh and this is entirely what this website says, but it's almost exactly me to a T which I find quite amazing. Anyway, it's easier for me to copy paste this in here rather than write out a long drawn out explanation again of why I am the way I am. Hopefully though, I'll stop getting such harsh criticism for just being myself from all you awesome ladies! I love you all, but I can't change what God made me!


ENFP Relationships
ENFP Relationships



ENFPs take their relationships very seriously, but also approach them with a childlike enthusiasm and energy. They seek and demand authenticity and depth in their personal relationships, and will put forth a lot of effort into making things work out. They are warm, considerate, affirming, nurturing, and highly invested in the health of the relationship. They have excellent interpersonal skills, and are able to inspire and motivate others to be the best that they can be. Energetic and effervescent, the ENFP is sometimes smothering in their enthusiasm, but are generally highly valued for their genuine warmth and high ideals.

ENFP Strengths

Most ENFPs will exhibit the following strengths with regards to relationships issues:

• Good communication skills
• Very perceptive about people's thought and motives
• Motivational, inspirational; bring out the best in others
• Warmly affectionate and affirming
• Fun to be with - lively sense of humor, dramatic, energetic, optimistic
• Strive for "win-win" situations
• Driven to meet other's needs
• Usually loyal and dedicated

ENFP Weaknesses

Most ENFPs will exhibit the following weaknesses with regards to relationship issues:

• Tendency to be smothering
• Their enthusiasm may lead them to be unrealistic
• Uninterested in dealing with "mundane" matters such as cleaning, paying bills, etc.
• Hold onto bad relationships long after they've turned bad
• Extreme dislike of conflict
• Extreme dislike of criticism
• Don't pay attention to their own needs
• Constant quest for the perfect relationship may make them change relationships frequently
• May become bored easily
• Have difficulty scolding or punishing others

ENFPs as Lovers

"To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive - to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before." -- Rollo May

ENFPs make warm, considerate, passionate partners who are generally willing, eager, and able to do whatever it takes to make The Relationship a positive place to be. They are enthusiastic, idealistic, focused on other people's feelings, and very flexible. These attributes combine to make them especially interested in positive personal relationships, and also makes them very able to promote strong relationships in fun and creative ways. ENFPs take their commitments very seriously, and are generally deeply loyal and faithful to their partners.
There are a couple of difficult relationship areas for the ENFP. The first problem is that many ENFPs have a problem leaving bad relationships. They tend to internalize any problems and take them on their own shoulders, believing that the success or failure of the relationship is their own responsibility. As perfectionists, they don't like to admit defeat, and will stick with bad situations long after they should have left. When they do leave the relationship, they will believe that the failure was their fault, and that there was surely something they could have done to save the relationship.
On the entirely other end of the spectrum, many ENFPs have a difficult time staying focused and following things through to completion. If they have not focused on their ability to follow through, they may have problems staying in dedicated, monogamous relationships. They are so in tune with all of the exciting possibilities of what could be, that they will always fantasize about a greener pasture out there somewhere. If they are not paired with a partner who enjoys new experiences, or who shares their idealistic enthusiasm, the ENFP may become bored. The ENFP who is bored and who is not focused will be very unhappy, and will eventually "leave" the relationship if the problem is not addressed.
Since relationships are central to the ENFP's life, they will be very "hands on" and involved with their intimate relationships. They may be in the habit of constantly asking their partner how they're doing, what they're feeling, etc. This behavior may be a bit smothering, but it also supports a strong awareness of the health (or illness) of the relationship.
Sexually, The ENFP is creative, perfectionistic, playful and affectionate. Their rich fantasy world makes them fun and creative lovers, who usually have new ideas up their sleeves. They whole-heartedly embrace the opportunity for closeness with their mates, believing sexual intimacy to be a positive, fun way to express how much you love each other.
The ENFP needs to be given positive assurance and affirmation. More than one ENFP has been known to "go fishing" for compliments. They like to hear from their significant others that they are loved and valued, and are willing and eager to return the favor. They enjoy lavishing love and affection on their mates, and are creative and energetic in their efforts to please. The ENFP gets a lot of their personal satisfaction from observing the happiness of others, and so is generally determined to please and serve their partners.
A problem area for ENFPs in relationships is their dislike of conflict and sensitivity to criticism. They are perfectionists who believe that any form of criticism is a stab at their character, which is very difficult for them to take. Conflict situations are sources of extreme stress to the ENFP. They have a tendency to brush issues under the rug rather than confront them head-on, if there is likely to be a conflict. They are also prone to "give in" easily in conflict situations, just to end the conflict. They might agree to something which goes against their values just to end the uncomfortable situation. In such cases, the problem is extended and will return at a later time. The ENFP needs to realize that conflict situations are not the end of the world. They are entirely normal, and can be quite helpful for the growth of a relationship. They also need to work on taking criticism for what it is, rather than blowing up any negative comment into an indictment against their entire character.
Generally, the ENFP is a warm and affirming creature who is very interested and able to have an intense, meaningful, close relationship with their mate.

 

[lil-rush]

LOL you aren't exactly off with that statement, however funny it may be! Actually... after a while dating the last few girls... I DID have them take that personality test! Lol! It may be funny to think about, but it helped them understand me a LOT better, and it helped me understand them too. Honestly, I think that type of stuff is really conductive for becoming closer and helping alleviate fights and misunderstandings of each others' behavior.

Ahaha! +10 on the cool points for actually making your girlfriends take a personality test.

Either way, we were a complete and utter failure on the personality level. I'm the completely free spirit expressive type, and she was the completely duty filled, responsible, right on schedule introverted type. She needed things to be routine and structured, and that just irks me to no end. I need things to be different and exciting everyday, or I get bored out of my mind haha. Basically, she drove me crazy, and I drove her crazy as well. Opposites definitely attracted in that sense, but it doesn't work for a long term relationship.

Well dating your opposite helps to complete people. Obviously complete opposites are no good for each other, because they would have nothing in common. For other types of opposite characteristics, it can be good. I'm not too concerned with a clean house, so I would need to marry someone who is concerned with a clean house so that he could make sure we didn't end up living in a sty, for example.

That being said, I LOVED how she was so dependable on all areas of life. She was basically the perfect "housewife" type. She was like the structured "safe haven" for me no matter what life threw at me. She was like Peter... the rock. I'm not like that at all. I'm able to be responsible and do all of the things life requires of me, but I crave excitement and drama and new adventures constantly to feel alive. She was so opposite from that... and I think that was the downfall of everything from the get go.

Maybe some of that is good for you. Being grounded by your spouse is a good thing. Likewise, having a spouse that helps you to not be too grounded is a good thing also.

but I wish I could have helped her get away from her past life of cheating and dating so many men and having them all enter and exit her life so fast. Perhaps, that was her routine that she was so dependable on, and I removed that from her while I dated her. I was the only guy she had dated in the last couple years that she never cheated on, so at least in that, I feel special. I just wish I could have helped her become closer to a Christian lifestyle... monogamous and happy with the person she is with, instead of focusing on her past tragedies and refusing to get close to anyone since then. Ahhh well...

Yeah, you can't help someone that doesn't want to be fixed. Many times when people say they want help, they actually aren't ready for it. Sometimes what they need is counseling, sometimes what they need is a friend, sometimes they are unwilling to be helped at all.

 

[diancik03]

Hey!

First of all, I would like to let you know that nowadays most of the people struggle with emotional problems both men and women with no exception. It's a sick society with broken people dwelling in it. But that's not the point. My personal opinion is that most of the times we people search in others to complete our emptiness forgetting or ignoring the fact that they are just humans with so many internal struggles...and many times we regard them as nr.1 in our lives ignoring God. When these people fail us we wake up again with that emptiness within plus the added package of the ex relationship and more eagerly turn and look for that perfect one to "rock our world". But little we know that only God can fill the empty wholes within and first work in ourselves to teach us how to truly love and only then through Him to find that one we could share our lives with. My advice would be to take some time for yourself and develop a true relationship with God asking Him why things go so wrong. Listen to His voice and guidance. He will lead you the right path so that you won't experience any more disappointments, frustration, anger, bitterness...God bless you!
Regards!

 

[Ugly]

umm.. did you notice this thread is a year old now?

 

[zeroturbulence]

I was going to say the same thing about the thread being old, but I think she makes some excellent points in her post.