We all have the ingrained desire that we want to live. We want to watch the sun go down and up again, enjoy the blue sky, have children, kiss our beloved, eat raspberries and yogurt, laugh with our friends, play. He is the maker of all pleasures and the world is filled with them. But none of them are for forevermore, and the rug is soon enough stripped from under your feet, there is the constant instability and insecurity as long as we are here, and the worst of all fighting sin in the midst of it. I feel like I cant take much more of this rollercoaster and I hurt.
Right now the rug is under my feet. I have what I need although I dont have the main thing I want, not regarding myself but being with my loved ones - and that's been so for over 4 years now. Pray that I will see them and finally be with them soon. Except my one best friend, I dont have anyone here in this country that I can even fellowship with as a Christian.
On one side, we love biting into life so much. Not into the sin of it - just into purely life and remnants of LIFE and joys that speak for God and eternal joys, tasting pure things like a smile - but on the other, it is all a vexation of spirit. I have just reached the point that I am broken between the two. It was this silent feeling and finally it grew on me and swallowed me up. I'm kind of heartbroken. All hopes here are like chasing shadows that can never be, because the world has been messed up with the fall of man, the only hopes that come true are those about spiritual things. But I feel like God doesnt care about literal things and physical existance at all and it is so damaging to be put to live within it and have your hopes inevitably born about it, and not because of sin nature, but just because of your human/adamic nature. Which as well as sin nature cant be eradicated until we die, and thus you are doomed to see your hopes fail continually. And oh how we take everything for granted, as every order of things here is like an insane chemical reaction that can go wild and collapsing down every moment and get hundredfold bad. I dont want to even live within this physical world and get hopes born any more. Hope is our vehicle that gets us moving from day to day. Why is it there, to always fall, kind of like tricking us into getting up and living yet another day? I wish I was already dead and with God. Still, I would like to see and hug my loved one, stare into the sky some more and enjoy walking by the sea because I really like how God designed it, and I am tired of doing everything alone. Having these desires is not a sin, but they hurt me so much because they are continually escaping me. Yet my prayers are heard, for all things in spirit. This is just making my soul tear in half like a cloth. God, I know how worse it could be, Im not blaming You, I am not even asking why, like knowing why changes anything. I'm just crying in hurt. I'm allowed to cry. Right?
Right now the rug is under my feet. I have what I need although I dont have the main thing I want, not regarding myself but being with my loved ones - and that's been so for over 4 years now. Pray that I will see them and finally be with them soon. Except my one best friend, I dont have anyone here in this country that I can even fellowship with as a Christian.
On one side, we love biting into life so much. Not into the sin of it - just into purely life and remnants of LIFE and joys that speak for God and eternal joys, tasting pure things like a smile - but on the other, it is all a vexation of spirit. I have just reached the point that I am broken between the two. It was this silent feeling and finally it grew on me and swallowed me up. I'm kind of heartbroken. All hopes here are like chasing shadows that can never be, because the world has been messed up with the fall of man, the only hopes that come true are those about spiritual things. But I feel like God doesnt care about literal things and physical existance at all and it is so damaging to be put to live within it and have your hopes inevitably born about it, and not because of sin nature, but just because of your human/adamic nature. Which as well as sin nature cant be eradicated until we die, and thus you are doomed to see your hopes fail continually. And oh how we take everything for granted, as every order of things here is like an insane chemical reaction that can go wild and collapsing down every moment and get hundredfold bad. I dont want to even live within this physical world and get hopes born any more. Hope is our vehicle that gets us moving from day to day. Why is it there, to always fall, kind of like tricking us into getting up and living yet another day? I wish I was already dead and with God. Still, I would like to see and hug my loved one, stare into the sky some more and enjoy walking by the sea because I really like how God designed it, and I am tired of doing everything alone. Having these desires is not a sin, but they hurt me so much because they are continually escaping me. Yet my prayers are heard, for all things in spirit. This is just making my soul tear in half like a cloth. God, I know how worse it could be, Im not blaming You, I am not even asking why, like knowing why changes anything. I'm just crying in hurt. I'm allowed to cry. Right?