I have been so old for 21 years. I have put everyone else's needs before my own my whole life, I don't even know how to be 21. I just finished watching Mom's Night Out and, even though I am not a mother, I know exactly how she feels. I don't feel like I am enough. No matter how much I try to come out ahead I always feel like I'm lagging behind. I just want everybody to be happy and secure. Not all of us have the luxury of having parents that we can rely on, who will protect us, and who will teach us what we need to know to be ready for the real world. We have to learn things ourselves I have 3 older brothers and one older sister yet I am the oldest. They rely on me so much that I feel I can't make any mistakes. There inlies the problem. I am so afraid of screwing things up that every tiny slip up seems huge. I have become so focused on fixing everybody's mistakes that that is all I see. I don't know how to feel properly anymore; or how to be sentimental. When friends leave I should be sad or angry, but instead I just don't care. I tell myself that everybody leaves. When I lose things I just brush it off. I don't know how to grieve. Everything has become about logic and reason. The Lord has told me that it is okay to make mistakes. It is okay to act like I'm 21 and to put aside that old woman this world has created. HE said that it is okay to do little things that probably won't amount to anything more than a blip in the radar. It's alright to make mistakes as long as you learn from them. Does that mean you should go to a bar and get waisted, have sex before marriage, get a huge tattoo because you can, or enter into a marriage that you know is no good for you? No. Big mistakes are a lot harder to come back from and will have more of an impact on your life. Don't do anything that is a clear no from GOD. Maybe go try a beer with some friends. Go on a date or two that remain casual and nothing more. Or get a small tattoo to remind you of your glory days. I regret my mistakes, but what I regret even more is letting them make me bitter. Fix whatever you CAN fix and leave the rest to GOD and always remember to live your life. Just FYI, avoiding your problems is not living. It's just a quicker way of dying.
