social torture

[Lanolin]

First thing to do is get a motorcycle license.

um...?
Actually motorcycles arent that common here. It rains too much

 

[17Bees]

um...?
Actually motorcycles arent that common here. It rains too much

Huh? Do you live in Auckland? Not very uncommon at all, no?

 

[Lanolin]

Huh? Do you live in Auckland? Not very uncommon at all, no?

If you a gang member, maybe

 

[Jamez40]

I was thinking this recently how I dont really like to be invited to social events
Whether its to dinners, potlucks or prizegivings or things were you have to perform or wear uncomfortable outfits. You might know one person but they could be the host and would be too busy to look after you and wont go with you. ANd you have to figure out how to get their on your own and you cant really leave when you want.

People know each other already but then you have to introduce yourself all over again or explain your life story to a stranger. (sometimes people are nosy and want to know all about you) or make small talk. If theres too many people it just gets overwhelming esp if you have a quiet voice or nature.

Church can be kind of like this. It can be like being the new kid at school too.

I dont know if anyone has tips of navigating social life you would think I would just be ok slotting in with strangers by now. but theres probably all these faux pas you end up doing like talking too much or not talking at all, not wearing the right clothes, not being being to excuse yourself if you are bored. Or falling asleep. Eating too much or not enough. Who knows all the rules to these things anyway? I never went to charm school. lol

Hi I struggled socially for a long time because I was different to other people my age. It left me feeling lonely a lot. This feeling drove my pursuit to learn things and seek different things out whilst praying and reading the bible. I eventually found out what my issue was or barrier was that prevented me from socially connecting with others particularly other Christians and family members. I now know my love language to be quality time and I also value empathy highly. The experience I went through although painful and difficult I am still thankful for because of the good that came from it. I believe when we have social problems we are best to manage ourselves because it’s easier to change ourselves than other people. It is good to avoid bad company just like it’s good to not give up on finding good company

 

[Lanolin]

Hi I struggled socially for a long time because I was different to other people my age. It left me feeling lonely a lot. This feeling drove my pursuit to learn things and seek different things out whilst praying and reading the bible. I eventually found out what my issue was or barrier was that prevented me from socially connecting with others particularly other Christians and family members. I now know my love language to be quality time and I also value empathy highly. The experience I went through although painful and difficult I am still thankful for because of the good that came from it. I believe when we have social problems we are best to manage ourselves because it’s easier to change ourselves than other people. It is good to avoid bad company just like it’s good to not give up on finding good company

what was your 'difference' if you dont mind me asking?

 

[Sculpt]

I invited a friend once out to eat noodles. But she kept scrolling on her phone and I was too polite/shy to say well who are you txting while sitting opposite me?

This annoyed me cos I wouldnt do the same thing. Or the small talk thing after church. Everyone small talks and then you dont know how much small talk is enough or too much when someone says Im going to talk to someone else now and turns away leaving you by yourself. This is often done standing round with a cup of tea and biscuit.

Then how do you interrupt someone to talk with them if they are in an animated discussion with someone do you just butt in a declare loudly Im going to talk with you. Wouldnt that be rude? How do you enter a gap in the conversation with someone you dont know? Does. your church have name tags? (some do, to save people from asking, like at conferences)

Or is there a secret signal or wink or shoulder grab. The theres a whole church thing of NOBODY will talk to me, or a guy will and it turns out hes now chatting me up. arrgh. Chatting now means hes pegged me out to be his new girlfriend and starts feeding me chat up lines and asking me personal questions. But you cant run away cos then he'll follow you around in church.

Pretty much everyone is thinking and feeling the same way you are. There's comfort in that.

For the most part people go to these events to socialize. So you should feel free to go up to folks, introduce yourself and have a chat.

I'd recommend to anyone to check out some conversation help videos on youtube. They can help inspire anyone into having an enjoyable social occasion.

Some good things to keep in mind is to smile and make eye contact, speak loud enough to be heard. And also remember what's interesting about talking to people is when you tell people how YOU feel about things, or what something was like for YOU, as opposed to simply relaying information. In the same way you want to ask them how they feel about things, or what it was like for them. You want to experience people and display that experience.

It usually helps to be lighthearted, humorous, friendly and a good listener. Most people have pet subjects they like to talk about, those are good starters.

Then how do you interrupt someone to talk with them if they are in an animated discussion with someone do you just butt in a declare loudly Im going to talk with you. Wouldnt that be rude? How do you enter a gap in the conversation with someone you dont know?

If you join two of more people already talking, you should listen to them to see what the conversation is. Quick make sure it's not a private convo. Once you know what they're talking about, you can react to what's being said... nod your head, smile, laugh, say, "awe!", etc. Then you can ask a question like, "wow, what did you do then?", or say, "oh yeah, I had one of those and guess what happened to me...", whatever fits the convo.

Or is there a secret signal or wink or shoulder grab. The theres a whole church thing of NOBODY will talk to me, or a guy will and it turns out hes now chatting me up. arrgh. Chatting now means hes pegged me out to be his new girlfriend and starts feeding me chat up lines and asking me personal questions. But you cant run away cos then he'll follow you around in church.

If no one will go up to talk to you, then go up and talk to someone alone. Or go up to a group and listen to them. If they acknowledge you, and you don't know each other, just say, "Hi, I'm Lanolin, I didn't mean to interrupt, I'm visiting today (or whatever), and wanted to say Hello, this seems like a really nice church, or whatever is appropriate and just conversate.

If I guy comes up to talk to you, just assume he's not hitting on you. If you like him, great; if not, he's just someone you're getting to know. When you're done talking to him, just say, "Hey, it was nice meeting you, (name). Good luck with that ___. I'll catch ya later." and walk away. Easy Peezy.

 

[Lanolin]

some days its easy and others its like what do I even talk about. Ive forgotten the sermon now its over and we're blessed to go out just end up talking about ....nothing?

Staff room breaks were also like that theres so much talking and ppl in class, or a big lecture that you dont even feel like socializing with MORE people after sitting in a room with lots of ppl. I just recall that everyone would be stressed and want a cuppa (or smoke) and not really talk that much, or maybe just vent about something.

Pet subjects seem to just be 'how's work' which I hate on Sundays because the one day you have off you not thinking about work at all. Can people not talk about other things??

 

[resto]

I totally get you. I was never very Social unless I was in a Leadership position in Church or at work. Im an A Type. Im also a loner. I always Hunted and fished alone. Any time I took someone with me they were in the way. Too Frustrating for me. Being in leadership I found myself alone a lot. Ive always prayed about this, but God has never convicted me and sometimes I felt that He wanted me on a separate path than others. I really dont feel comfortable getting to know people in Church. I just dont know what they are going through. I dont like crowds, too much noise. I dont like City life its too commercial, People are Fake and Prideful. I have always lived outside the city in Quiet places. I hate small talk, political talk and Blah Blah Blah, which the People in the USA are Famous for and loathed in other Countries for. I have many Asian Friends they act very different and we like each others company. My former Military Friends and I get along real well. We have so much in common and lots of Hard times together, Funny Memories that never get old. I understand where you are coming from. I dont see anything wrong with not being Social. I am looking forward to spending the rest of my life, living on a farm and ministering to peoples needs in the Mountains of Thailand. Thai Rural people are very different. They suck you in, they are wonderful. I will live in a Village of 300 people and connect with resources, to develop better Health care in Rural areas. Like "Palliative Care". Rural Thai people are not aware of even Morphine. They have a different view of suffering. The Government is going to help me out with changing attitudes and I will help them network better. I figure if Im not that social, why not just ride the wave. Thai people are very social. Maybe I can learn. I know I can Love and I know I can lead.

 

[Lanolin]

I dont really like to chat

the main things people small talk about are work and politics and gossip about other ppl.
If I were with a bunch of colleagues sure we might talk shop but we have actual special meetings to talk about that. Nobody who isn't in my line of work is really that interested in what I do.

But just what is it christians are meant to talk about over a cup of tea and biscuit after the service? I spy with my little eye?

I am not a leader though or consider myself to be, though children can be easy to talk to, many just open up naturally I dont have to draw them out, but only after Ive connected with them first (often non verbally). A lot of the time in school/classroom the teachers have to FORBID them from chatting.

whenver someone in leadership actually wants to chat with me, I found it was a euphemism for 'youve done something wrong'. or its like the dreaded 'we need to to talk' thing.

 

[Lanolin]

hmm maybe its better some people arent aware of morphine ...I can think of many instances where morphine has been abused where its become available...there is a big drug problem in Thailand near the golden triangle.

There were some missionaries at church last Sunday who were headed to Thailand, a family with two young girls. I am not sure if they were headed toward the city or countryside. I didnt really get to ask them anything else just said hello and then they were busy chatting with someone else.

I cant imagine uprooting your whole family to go on mission trips or for how long but a lot of families do this and ask for support, and their children have to go to special mission schools or the mum teaches them but they children dont really mix with the other children there if they are in a special compound with other mission kids.

I know from what other mission kids and wives tell me, that they are not the ones doing any evangelising its usually the dad and they wont really mix with the natives. I asked one church lady who lived in India several years on missions if she converted anyone and she said no it was her husband teaching in the mission school (to other missionarys children) she was just there to be his wife. She didnt learn any hindu languages or anything

 

[Lanolin]

crystal meth, P and opium and heroin are the biggest in Myanmar. Thailands drug trafficking means raw heroin base gets converted to heroin for the US market.

I had read a Geek in Thailand (and other countries) although Ive forgotten a lot of it the main thing I know about Thailand is its never been colonised and Thai people are quite proud of that. Their cuisine is also a unique blend of flavours. When you go to a Thai restaurant here they always have an altar that usually contains a picture of their royal family who are worshipped. Thailand is known as 'the land of smiles' and rice is a main export

Otherwise, unfortunately Bangkok has a reputation for being the centre of drug trade and human trafficking. The other thing is you are half thai and something else its likely you will become a media icon or pop star...because of your unique look. Thais generally subscribe to a buddhist worldview and all life is suffering but its countered by saying this maya or illusion. Meditation is often the way people escape their suffering and try to get to nirvana. Doing rituals, chanting and offerings as well as good deeds is often the way of the buddhist, or becoming a monk and killing your desire for anything. Othewise people have cottoned on to using and selling drugs to relieve suffering. Drugs make you forget.

 

[Lanolin]

Opoid addiction is a huge problem in North America...and its become a scourge of the appachalians (hillbillies) after the mines and factories closed so, Im thinking when they heard of it and obtained it wasnt that great for them.

There are stories of children being abandoned cos their parents got into the drug trade or addicted and selling themselves out for the drug, which is marketed as fentanyl or oxycodone and a hundred times stronger than morphine.

 

[Lanolin]

Am not sure if people actually want to talk about the drug trade with me...maybe they just want to do drugs and not question where it all comes from....I could show them the poppy flower

 

[Karlon]

I was thinking this recently how I dont really like to be invited to social events
Whether its to dinners, potlucks or prizegivings or things were you have to perform or wear uncomfortable outfits. You might know one person but they could be the host and would be too busy to look after you and wont go with you. ANd you have to figure out how to get their on your own and you cant really leave when you want.

People know each other already but then you have to introduce yourself all over again or explain your life story to a stranger. (sometimes people are nosy and want to know all about you) or make small talk. If theres too many people it just gets overwhelming esp if you have a quiet voice or nature.

Church can be kind of like this. It can be like being the new kid at school too.

I dont know if anyone has tips of navigating social life you would think I would just be ok slotting in with strangers by now. but theres probably all these faux pas you end up doing like talking too much or not talking at all, not wearing the right clothes, not being being to excuse yourself if you are bored. Or falling asleep. Eating too much or not enough. Who knows all the rules to these things anyway? I never went to charm school. lol

especially now-a-days, people are on guard, big time. a new face will take much longer to be spoken to. when going to a new surrounding, prepare yourself mentally, spiritually & physically. practice a few ear & eye opening lines. walk in with a smile, in fact, put your smile on when you exit your car. be totally calm, loose & relaxed. learning to relax & release tension takes along time some time. look people in the eye as much as possible. make them feel that they are the high point in talk. never interrupt. never counter back with, e.g., "i vacationed in hawaii too & we did this & that......"! btw, the French dislike that vary much about americans. i'm american i dislike it too, it's rude & discourteous. if you say & do all that Jesus would have done at a gathering & it fails, that's good news! why? now you know for sure, they aren't the people you want to be with!

 

[resto]

I dont really like to chat

the main things people small talk about are work and politics and gossip about other ppl.
If I were with a bunch of colleagues sure we might talk shop but we have actual special meetings to talk about that. Nobody who isn't in my line of work is really that interested in what I do.

But just what is it christians are meant to talk about over a cup of tea and biscuit after the service? I spy with my little eye?

I am not a leader though or consider myself to be, though children can be easy to talk to, many just open up naturally I dont have to draw them out, but only after Ive connected with them first (often non verbally). A lot of the time in school/classroom the teachers have to FORBID them from chatting.

whenver someone in leadership actually wants to chat with me, I found it was a euphemism for 'youve done something wrong'. or its like the dreaded 'we need to to talk' thing.

I dont like to chat either.
One of the things I noticed about being a "Leader" is that as a Human its easy to default to, Looking Down on others. Its true, this comes from my position of "Over Seer". Seeing Over(Above what others see in order to Guide). This is an "Office" and a "Gift" in the Body of Christ. Its hard to see beyond our own flesh when Mastering it. It always seems that Im out of place(Not Comfortable) when being me, but thats who God made me. A Leader. Its always easy to default to feeling in Trouble when in front of leadership, especially when the Person in Leadership Lacks "Humility and Self Control". I have been before Church Boards, on trial for my Faith and Works. I have been before Military Tribunal. I have Arbitrated for a Large Union. I grew from Defiant to Confident, thats hard. One key I learned is that, Humans in Sinful Flesh see Position as Authority and not Responsibility. Responsibility, owns all outcome of any situation or Choice. Responsibility is a Servant not and Owner. I am not a Shepard, I am a Hireling. I am fuel for the Fire, just like my Lord. Its easy to feel intimidated in front of Responsibility(Leaders). I am Comfortable there, "Your Gifts Will Bring You Before Kings". A Pastor spoke that to me once a long time ago. It was not a "Word Of Knowlege" or some "Prophesy", it was his observation out of Wisdom and Years.

I said all of that to say this: God is working in me all this years throughout the life that He and He Alone Made. He is working in me to Stand Before His Son and Account for what He has Given. I refuse to cower and Bury what He has given, in the Ground. I Come and Go before His Throne with Confidence in His Sacrifice of Love(Christ). I will stand and watch my works tested by Fire and Own It, knowing my Salvation will remain. This is Gods Word. This and this Alone do I trust. Gates are not an "Offensive Weapon" they are "Defensive". "The Gates of Hell Will Not Prevail". So "Get Some". Face every person in Love and Confidence, You seem to have a Gift directed at Children. Now wake up, trim your lamp and "Shine Before All Men". "Letum See Good Works And Then...Letum Glorfy The Lord" (News Boys)
You will be Fine. Ill pray for you right now

 

[Lanolin]

especially now-a-days, people are on guard, big time. a new face will take much longer to be spoken to. when going to a new surrounding, prepare yourself mentally, spiritually & physically. practice a few ear & eye opening lines. walk in with a smile, in fact, put your smile on when you exit your car. be totally calm, loose & relaxed. learning to relax & release tension takes along time some time. look people in the eye as much as possible. make them feel that they are the high point in talk. never interrupt. never counter back with, e.g., "i vacationed in hawaii too & we did this & that......"! btw, the French dislike that vary much about americans. i'm american i dislike it too, it's rude & discourteous. if you say & do all that Jesus would have done at a gathering & it fails, that's good news! why? now you know for sure, they aren't the people you want to be with!

I have heard the French are wary of people that smile too much!
Americans can be effusive which is great but sometimes can get ugly and impatient and have a reputation for being loud. Some people are very well travelled but some arent, I dont like it when the well travelled make it into a contest of who's been to the most places. Some days Id like to hear where people have been but othertimes it might be a bore if they boasting. I think depending on who you talk to, their attitude can be what do you know you havent been there OR youve never lived there, only visited. Then there the contrarian traveler who might say you should know youve lived here all your life kind of thing when they start complaining about your country esp if born there (this is very unpleasant and rude to hear your homeland being dissed)

I dont find it easy to talk about myself esp when meeting ppl for the first time and I dont think it should be on people to do that by themselves. I think you should introduce others, not yourself. Even Jesus had a forerunner (John the Baptist) who introduced people to him.
The other thing is he did advise whe he sent his disciples out to go out two by two. He didnt couple them up but just made sure they had a buddy.

 

[Karlon]

I have heard the French are wary of people that smile too much!
Americans can be effusive which is great but sometimes can get ugly and impatient and have a reputation for being loud. Some people are very well travelled but some arent, I dont like it when the well travelled make it into a contest of who's been to the most places. Some days Id like to hear where people have been but othertimes it might be a bore if they boasting. I think depending on who you talk to, their attitude can be what do you know you havent been there OR youve never lived there, only visited. Then there the contrarian traveler who might say you should know youve lived here all your life kind of thing when they start complaining about your country esp if born there (this is very unpleasant and rude to hear your homeland being dissed)

I dont find it easy to talk about myself esp when meeting ppl for the first time and I dont think it should be on people to do that by themselves. I think you should introduce others, not yourself. Even Jesus had a forerunner (John the Baptist) who introduced people to him.
The other thing is he did advise whe he sent his disciples out to go out two by two. He didnt couple them up but just made sure they had a buddy.

humans have an innate ability to recognize any speech that is of a boastful, selfish discourteous nature & to remember it

 

[Lanolin]

I found my problem with church would be the segregation of old and young ppl.
I decide next time going there I will go to the sunday school instead and hang out with the children. They all get to dance around and colour in etc while the oldies snore in their seats.
I think thats the problem, why I was reluctant to go to church perhaps.....?

last sunday I couldnt face going, I thought this is a bit silly. Why we had a new YOUNG pastor and should be welcoming but it just seemed everything was always the same anyway at this particular church which had been an oldie church and has always pandered to the baby boomers. I did the library for this church and the books were so out of date that half of them needed to be weeded, but I remember the older pastors got all up in arms about...they hated anything to change and it was always difficult working in that environment where they would gang up on the younger set.

But that is maybe not just symptomatic of church but just wider society in general.

 

[resto]

I found my problem with church would be the segregation of old and young ppl.
I decide next time going there I will go to the sunday school instead and hang out with the children. They all get to dance around and colour in etc while the oldies snore in their seats.
I think thats the problem, why I was reluctant to go to church perhaps.....?

last sunday I couldnt face going, I thought this is a bit silly. Why we had a new YOUNG pastor and should be welcoming but it just seemed everything was always the same anyway at this particular church which had been an oldie church and has always pandered to the baby boomers. I did the library for this church and the books were so out of date that half of them needed to be weeded, but I remember the older pastors got all up in arms about...they hated anything to change and it was always difficult working in that environment where they would gang up on the younger set.

But that is maybe not just symptomatic of church but just wider society in general.

Im seeing the same things in a Church Im attending till I leave in two weeks. This Church is seeing this in themselves and repenting. There is Hope in some places. Im not dependent on Local Church attendance. I am fortunate in that I have a lot of friends who got saved at the same time I did 43 years ago. They are a "Body Of Christ". We see each other "Just In Time" to minister to each other. Here and there. I have a wonderful testimony from Church today, meeting a friend who caught up with me before Church. She asked what has been going on with me and Jesus since we talked 5 years ago. When I told her, The Holy Spirit "Lit Her Up". She was Blessed and blown away. It was good to see her again before I leave. I guess sometimes we must be a Light

 

[Lanolin]

Im bad with funerals too. Some of them are a bit torturous, especially cremations, which just dont sit well with my spirit..I dont feel at peace when I know someones body is going to be burned and no idea where they'll end up. (as opposed to, laid to rest, or buried) . Not sure if this is irrational of me. I know cremations are much cheaper than burials these days. It would just be going to funerals and not really knowing too many of the family or not going with others although I have gone when I didnt know the deceased to support a family member in her mourning when she asked me to. But I wouldnt just turn up to one on my own however I would write words or sympathy cards to the loved ones.

I know if Im led to say something I would though

I know I'd rather be absent in body but present in spirit rather than present in body but absent in spirit thats all