This may not be a nice experience, and maybe not entirely spiritual but lessons were learnt and I might have assured my doom:
July 3rd, 2011 throughout this summer.
Age: 16
A little background: these last 4 years (really grade 8 to end of grade 11) were not great years in terms of my faith or of good deeds or really anything. It got worse in high-school considering that I became more exposed and did drugs and lied more and more than ever before, even lied about doing drugs, which I am sure had negative consequences on not just me but others. Typical sinner, cursing, vanity, self-loathing, hatred, elitism, masturbation (porn/hentai), self-pity, and of course, contemplating suicide or becoming a "matyr" and being glorified in death or something like that. Listening to metal, rap and negativity and such.
Anyways at the end of the school year, I had eaten too many cannabis cookies (after english final), first experience: horrible visions, some guy raping the earth (literally, graphically putting his thing in the earth), and then shapes and I felt a fever, I felt like a hole in my head was being filled and i panicked because I could feel my heartbeat and it was not nice. I stayed in bed all day pretending I was tired, I even missed dinner because the effects lasted for about 10 hours, when my parents and sister were sleeping, I went to get food and water, because I was so thirsty. I still did not learn my lesson it appeared.
Finally after all exams over, skip over to july 3rd. I had 5.7 grams of mushrooms that I had considered selling to friends who wanted them for a party, but ended up not being them because I had made them too pricey, which they were when I bought them since they were apparently potent. Of course, like most people my age, most friends either smoked or drank alcohol or did something, but there was always the nice group that I really wished now I had been part of (I was with them until grade 8, not a great year). Anyways, it was a sunday morning, and I had been so eager to try and take these mushrooms, really without realizing the full extent of what I was doing. It was earlyish, and I bought a water bottle at a macs and then eat all the shrooms at once and drank the water. It took about 15 minutes for them to hit me, which had worried me because normally they took 30-40 minutes (I had taken shrooms before, only 3 times, and to clarify this was grade 10, and I smoked marijuana in what can be stated as in large amounts but not very frequently, it became a little more frequent in grade 11, but it was never an a full-out addiction, but still one). Anyways, just as the anxiety had set in, three lawnmowers (funded by the city I assume) came (coloured red and black, I consider this significant for reasons explained later). This had made me very uncomfortable, so I got up (when I ate the shrooms, I was in a forested area behind some houses, less than 1 kilo from my house) and took my backpack with a book i was intending to finish, John Miltons Paradise Lost, while on shrooms (not very smart). Anyways, I had also remembered there was a police station nearby, so I became even more worried/anxious, and I walked across a field (right beside the police station, more like a sheriff station) and I lay near some trees. This was the second worst part of the entire experience. During this part, I can only describe what I felt like as being eaten alive, by mosquitos, and feeling death and very cold and so scared. I could hear the sounds of the lawnmowers eating away at the grass as if it were my very being, and as I closed my eyes I felt like I was the grass, getting chopped up by the blades). I tried to comfort myself and lie as comfortable as I could, which is really impossible when you are lying on hard dirt and mosquitos are biting you and a police station is in front of you and you are paranoid and thinking you are going to die, the fear was building so fast. So then i tried to read paradise lost, and failed because i couldn't concentrate because I was too scatterbrained. Next I saw in the distance workers (construction, building a house), which because of the shrooms, looked like morphed demons, I still cannot tell whether the one man I saw had no shirt or whether his shirt morphed into him (he also had horns of some type). The man helping him, I knew that his shirt morphed and became part of him. I had also seen some guy riding a bike, and it scared so much because I thought he came from the police station and because I thought he was looking at me the entire time (when you are on drugs, you think everyone knows or is looking at you). I got so scared I called a friend and pleaded that he should come and help me, bring milk I texted him, which he couldn't because he was working on something. Of course, he was a big support, because when I called him, he of course laughed but it felt so good to have someone to talk me through this. This i believe was a mistake since I was on a cell-phone for roughly 40 minutes, which might have increased my chances of a brain tumour or something or given me one. Still it was comforting. I got up and started walking while attempted to converse with my friend, and it was a terrible sight. I was mumbling and my words were slurred and I walked worse than a drunk, my neck was so loose and my muscles were so floppy like water. I think two people saw me walk, and of course stared, wondering what the heck was up with that guy. Of course, avoiding eye contact and still talking, because people were still transformed and the world had melted on itself (while walking, I saw some guy in what looked like a bee-keeping suit tending to the lawn, and it looked as though the suit had morphed and became part of that man). Of course another thing about shrooms is that you get really energetic, and soon I began talking really fast and non-stop. I had to call my friend later I was walking back to the macs to try to buy a milk-to-go (waste of money, I took a sip and spit it out after reading some ingredients, and overall it was not fun, I was scared the entire time and might have slurred, and when the guy asked me to pay, I gave him 5 dollars and told him to keep the change and I got out of there). I then was more relaxed and was now in the middle, in the part where all you can do is think and think and one thought flies in and out constantly. I could read a little better but really did not read at all, and of course, I called my friend again (he said to stop talking for a bit because he needed to do something). We talked for a bit, but I thought my friend was on some sort of sedative because he was talking slow and giggled, so I decided to say goodbye and end the call. Now i sat there, and I saw a chemtrail being sprayed, and I also looked upon my spit (from the milk-to-go) and I thought I saw little skulls. the chemtrails I saw also had little skulls, it was weird, like I everytime I spit, I was closer to death. Next I got up and decided to walk near my local catholic church and then wait until it was over. It was around noon now, and my mom had called to ask where I was. I obviously lied and said I was with my friend that I had called (he was not with me). Now this may blow you away, but instead of going in the church and repenting, I just sat outside, near it, watching people go by and lying under the sun. I even looked at the sun and saw how bright it was, not smart. Everything felt more aztec-like now, and I shall never forget the curses I uttered, whether if it was by my will alone or the devils: (Santi-Satan, Santi-Satan, Santi-Satan; my name is Santi). And lo and behold, maybe a couple minutes passed and I saw some guy in red riding his bike up to me and turning to go when I said: well look who it is! He looked at me (he was dressed in a cyclist outfit, red shirt, black shorts, not sure the bike, he had weird sunglasses, I couldnt see his eyes, he had dreadlocked hair that was short and red, and maybe a helmet, and really pink skin) and he said: what are you meditating or something? I said something like: nope and by this point he might have felt awkward and said, well okay, nice talking to you, and then he went to bike away. At that point, i really might have been insane because for a while I was looking around and I thought that this was heaven, and I was God because I had tapped into some weird infinite mechanism and everything was like waves and infinity and all this jargon, and that this dirt was fake, and so was this grass. This was before the red man showed up). Now as the man was biking away, I got up and said: Hey wait! He turned, and then I said: No no, nevermind, go on, I'm insane! He then turned and biked away. The next part was that I felt really scared, because when the man had showed up I felt such a negativity, it was like a negative force, like a really negative force or form of energy had showed up. My thoughts then became focussed on the red man, which I then presumed was the devil, because he had turned really red in my mind, no longer pink and he was coming out of a hole from the ground in my mind and stuff and I thought I saw a lion or something devouring like sheep or something. After this, I saw flies and little white lights and butterflies, I saw flies land on my skin, and I thought, man they must think I'm dead or something. My mom had been calling me, and my sister texting, asking where I was, and I, thinking that if I died I would be set free into some other world (I thought my sister and mom and everything was part of my imagination or something) and by the end of it all, I saw the red man again, biking back, and he looked at me funnily again, and then biked to where he came from (which I don't know where he came from). I then saw that there were a bunch of ants on the ground, so many ants, there was one on my skin, it might have been nibbling at me. I decided to take my phone, get up from the ground and then I saw so many ants, maybe hundreds or thousands. I decided no, i am going to live and to live you gotta be evil because live is an anagram for evil strangely enough. I threw my phone on the ground and broke the back of it, took off my shirt and sandals, and left my back pack and said, I am the anti-christ because I reject christ, and I am evil and bla bla bla. I then walked proudly without a shirt back home feeling pride. I then got home, and realized that my mom had been at the church (I texted her that I was near the church) and followed me home on the car. Dinner was rough. She told me that I was 16 and that what I was doing with my life was wrong, it was sad, but at that time I didn't feel sad nope. As I ate dinner, I saw the red man again, except it was like in my head (shrooms still working but almost gone now), and he looked so fiendish and I heard a giggle and saw him grin and put a finger on his lips like a shush, maybe there was two or more, probably demons. Later that day I felt a horrible headache that lasted for maybe 24 hours, and I also could feel my skull (literally I felt my skull, also while on the trip I could feel my bones and I could feel what a rock felt like, dead, and inert). After this, it might have been a miracle. I turned to islam, unknowing it was near ramadhan, and I had the strangest dreams, more like visions. I saw me get hit and beatup by some dark man wearing a red coat, and i responded with something similar to when Jesus said turn the other cheek. Anyways from that moment on I sort of repented, and gave up masturbation, video-games and stuff. But I also believe I lost my soul to the devil, since after showering, I had these thoughts about Lucifer becoming God and stuff, which plagued me for around 4 or 5 months. I also had dreams about a white wolf that came out of nowhere and tried to bite my arm but failed because of my mom (another vision maybe). Anyways I had turned away from Islam primarily because my parents disliked it and I couldnt practice it, but it was still in my mind. Then grade 12, school. This year I felt more focussed and prepared, and felt confident, even though I had made no new friends and new nobody (over the summer I moved from one city to another, a bit of remorse was felt). Anyways, something happened. I met someone who was involved in a Christian youth group and I felt like, hey, why not? I went, feeling really nervous, but finally I was convinced I was in the right camp, because as the people sang (youth-group style with guitar and such) I saw this awesome thing like gold and halos or something around their heads, mesmerizied. After I then took some eucharist at my first attending of that church on a saturday, and it felt really weird. I had a dream later that night about death, I saw the rider on the pale horse, it felt very cold and weird, but I had walked away, and then i thought I saw baby Jesus telling me I had died because I was beaten up by so many police-like things, and then I saw angels who were asking me to trust them, which I reluctantly did agree to climb down a ladder to touch the earth. Later I got more involved with Christianity and turned more towards a bible that was given to me a couple years ago by one of my moms friends who was Christian. I felt uncomfortable reading it but it helped, and eventually I was no longer uncomfortable reading it. Now it is Dec 5 2011, I have attended church and realized that life is something so valuable and we just gotta live it with less fear and less worries and just look out the car windows when we drive and just suck it in and appreciate what we have. I am due for baptism to be born again (because I had either lost my soul or it died) this year right before 2012 which I believe is a time of much deception, thank God and Jesus. I still do believe what I have done is really wrong, and to clean all the skeletons out of the house I built on the rock is a tough task but not so hard with Jesus. I might go to Hell but if anything guys, avoid arguing, on the internet and anywhere, use your heads a little more, God gave us brains so we could think and be righteous. Avoid condemning people, leave that to Jesus and God, because whenever we condemn someone, we condemn ourselves. Let people be people and let them learn, because God teaches everyone in some way and we often do not see it. Lastly, we should really just give up as much as we can for Jesus. That means TV, videogames, drugs, smoking, and focus ourselves more towards helping people, because we gotta learn to help people and then help people. I seriously mean with all my heart that you should pretty much sell almost all clothes or give them to to a youth shelter or homeless shelter DIRECTLY, and sell all that furniture and stuff or give it to people who need. If you sell, use the money to invest in something that will help you earn favour with Jesus and God, do not just simply give away to charity, buy food and give directly to others, and talk with them.
That is all, peace and good night.
