sporadic thoughts - need help
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i know it is just paperwork i am waiting on and him moving out.
The reality is, we all have to pay consequences for our actions.
That's the reason it is better to reconcile with spouse if possible.
If not, it is really in God's hand. There is no guarantee God will give you another spouse soon.
That happened to me too, and so did slowly learning to appreciate His Word more than acknowledge It.
As long as you are honest with your inmost self you'll eventualy come to have those knots untangled.
There's light at the end of the tunnel. it might take you a bit to travel through it, and maybe no on can say or do anything that will instantly teleport you to the end, but I've traveled through the dark tunnel myself and things have gotten better, wanting my life to end & all. Just don't go away from the Lord, keep asking for His whole presence.
Tall_Timbers
Well-known member
@ciicii, I don't know your circumstances, but in my life when things got really hard, I would enter in to a period of prayer and fasting until there was resolution in my heart. God can heal your heart and take away the negativeness that seems to be eating at you. 
Ok i will try@ciicii, I don't know your circumstances, but in my life when things got really hard, I would enter in to a period of prayer and fasting until there was resolution in my heart. God can heal your heart and take away the negativeness that seems to be eating at you.
Where can we contact dear Cici? Can I send you a direct message?
Oh gosh , u r really going through it aren't u
I'm so sorry . I have been in your shoes , like most people but not because if the exact same circumstances . I do know how it feels to have everything just come crashing down upon u . My advice ? First , stop thinking about what u want for the future and get your head in the present . Do u feel stuck ? Unable to move forward ? Powerless ? That has to change . Sort out what is going to happen between u and your husband . R u getting divorced ? Is he moving out ? Or r u ? U cannot move forward with the rest of your life until u sort the present out . That's between u and your husband , with God's help u will get through this . I don't believe that anyone , male or female , has to remain in a marriage that isn't a proper marriage . If u do get divorced and remain unmarried and childless for the rest of your life, is that the end of the world ? It shouldn't b . Plenty of people, some of them good Christians , don't get what they want in this life . We have to b willing to accept God's plan for us , whatever that may b . Maybe take a few weeks off from attending church if u r finding it to not b the right environment for u at this time. Get your emotional and spiritual strength back , spend plenty of time in quiet calm environments where there is no stress or pressure on u . Go for some long walks , do some things that make u feel happy and calm , whatever helps to relax u and declutter your thoughts . When u start to feel better , then take back your life , piece by piece at a nice steady pace . Sort your marriage , sort your living arrangements , become u again and don't look back but also , don't strain to look too far forward either . Trust in your God , He will get u through this but , He will do it at the pace that is right for u . U r a valuable , lovable human being with your own thoughts and feelings and , u r entitled to a life of peace and hope , which u will have with God through Christ . B calm , b patient and clear your head , keep it in the present and go through each day in the knowledge that , all things pass . God is with u for sure . Trust Him and wait for Him , He will bring u into a green pasture of peace and joy .
Hello Ciicii, my name is Peter and it's nice to meet you sister
although I do wish it was under better circumstances for you. I read your posts here on the first couple days I was active on CC and have been thinking of exactly how to word a response because I understand that this is a very painful and discouraging experience for you. I can only sympathize but also do empathize from personal experience on several levels but obviously from the reverse perspective because I am (just) a man.When I prayed over and considered how to start, the Lord kept leading me back to:
John 16:33 - “I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
The Word is very clear with us that although Salvation is given freely to all and completely through His merciful Grace that we are not guaranteed a pleasant "Race" to run. In fact He tells us quite the opposite and lived the most Tragic life of all human beings that have ever been or ever will be. No matter how much we struggle (wrestle) and suffer for the Cross we still have to be patient, no matter what we go through:
2 Peter 3:9 - "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead, he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."
This is the part that really sucks because unfortunately we live in a fallen world and even the many blessings that God has given us have been distorted in at least one way or another - intentionally or systematically it doesn't matter because the pain and suffering it causes is abhorrent and tragic. No one is meant to bear our burdens alone, whether that's marriage, family, children or even just fellowship with friends. However, as you know, it wasn't always like this.
Marriage was originally a product of the Garden of Eden during the Genesis; a perfect world with two perfect people and counterparts, one literally made from the other and being of completely the same substance (very similar kinds of wording to when God is referring to Jesus and I really like that). So when we participate in that Holy ritual, making vows before God and joining two to one we are getting a glimpse at something truly beautiful and perfect from a time before our fallen state. But this can be extremely deceptive and as you (and I) have had to learn the hard way, making someone your spouse doesn't make them a good Christian, Husband/Wife, Parent, Sibling, Child etc. and it certainly does not make them perfect.
As we read in the Psalms and Paul reinforces in:
Romans 3:10-12 - As it is written: “There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands; there is no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one.” Only Christ is perfect.
How deeply I would pray for you that your marriage and everyone else' could exist in that framework if it were possible but that is simply not how life works on Earth; when He sends them to go out in the World, the Lord tells the 12 this:
Matthew 10:16 - “I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves. Be on your guard; you will be handed over to the local councils and be flogged in the synagogues. On my account you will be brought before governors and kings as witnesses to them and to the Gentiles. But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say, for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you. Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child; children will rebel against their parents and have them put to death. You will be hated by everyone because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved."
So being pessimistic just makes sense from a logical stand point: if the 12 Apostles had to go through all of that and then the gruesome and painful deaths afterwards, what chance do we have of getting a good life when we pick up and carry our cross? The honest answer is very low. We simply cannot live by the cold calculated logic of life, we are told:
Galatians 2:19-21 - “For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!”
Life has too many variables and people are so interconnected now that tracing back the root of one problem ends up just revealing 10+ unresolved problems that led to it, it's an exponential thing and what it really comes down to is Worry. The Lord says not to Worry:
Matthew 6:25-27 - “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"
He doesn't say not to cry, or be sad, to mourn or grieve or to feel deep hunger and dissatisfaction - you SHOULD be angry and cry and SHOW and offer all of your troubles, worries, fears, pain and doubt to Him. He KNOWS we will suffer which can sound cruel, unfair or simply evil but He knows and feels every single sin and failure WITH you, He took them all upon Himself on the Cross and gave His very life to pay a debt that we as the entire human race would be destined to never repay. So please let me warn and comfort you my dear sister - God is good, all the time. I mean this with love and kindness okay? Big big hugs and sincere prayers but please don't blame God for any of this, ever. It's our fault as people, our parents, everyone before us all the way to Adam and Eve, but it is never ever God's fault.
I can't even imagine how much worse everything would be without His everlasting love and mercy. I know it's hard and this life will challenge and tempt and push and trip you but stand firm, you CAN because the God of the whole universe is capable of anything and He sent His only Son to die for YOU (and me and everyone else, what an awesome God we call our own
).John 3:16-19 - "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son. This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil."
But now we can finally bring this all back around to the one and only solution Ciicii - once we accept that this life gives nothing to us and is fallen and broken we can completely turn our hearts to the Lord and be forgiven without distractions and storms to make us lose sight of Him. No matter what you have said or done in response to your pain, no matter happens to you or around you, Salvation was already won for you on Calvary and:
John 10:25-30 - Jesus answered, “I did tell you, but you do not believe. The works I do in my Father’s name testify about me, but you do not believe because you are not my sheep. My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.”
Part 2 of above:
You already recognize that the only way is Jesus only, and that you are struggling with the desire/idolization of wanting a husband and family but you also need to take that thinking to it's conclusion: if you know that while you are focusing on separating and improving your marriage or the prospects of a new one - (after a proper divorce I assume since Adultery is valid grounds for a divorce, I know it's not a nice thought but sometimes that is the correct route, and the Law is there to assist us with making these decisions although we have final say.) - that God won't just *give* you what you want/need then you already know that He WILL give you everything you need if you trust completely in Him for all things. Now what you actually, truly need is only up to Him, okay? Ever since Adam and Eve bit into that fruit, we are cursed to think we know what is right and what is wrong but we don't. So that is a big part of the human condition and a completely normal hurdle to struggle with - trusting in God means knowing that even when things we see as Bad are happening, He is working everything for the Good in a way we cannot comprehend. So real trust means knowing He knows best.
Matthew 11:27-30 - “All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him." “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
I'm sure you can think of many examples in your life of something bad turning into something good down the line, but let me give you my own example that I believe you will find pertinent to your current situation:
When I graduated highschool I married my girlfriend of 3 years BUT let me be clear, this was not a Christian marriage, we were married by a judge in a court and she insisted we don't use a Bible and I agreed. We immediately started a family together. About one year after my daughter was born I was working 14 hour days every day and commuting an hour each way. One day I got a call from a man while I was at work, a very angry man questioning me about why "his girlfriend" was texting ME all the time. Because she was my wife. I had no idea about him. She brought him into our home and even took our baby with them on dates claiming that the baby's father had left when she was born. He also had no idea about me. So after the longest and most horrifying conversation I've ever had in my life, that man and I went to the Court and I got a divorce on the grounds of Adultery. I was a divorced, cheated on single father at 21 with a one year old daughter. I was very very low and thinking the terrible things we all think about in those situations but one night in 2015 I just prayed. I cried and cried until praying was the only thing I could think of. I was raised Roman Catholic but lost my faith because of how little they talked about Jesus and other problems I saw in the Church. But then I really, really prayed and the next day my dear friend Daniel literally came to my door and asked if I wanted to come with him to a Worship concert downtown. It wasn't really my thing but I went anyways and the experience changed my life. Not because I needed a concert or music or some bombastic way to come back to the faith - I needed a good, simple time with a good friend who loved me. I recommitted my life to Christ and everything has gotten better - not because I am better but because HE is better.
I didn't win the lottery or get an inheritance, my life was functionally not different at all. But I WAS different. God washed and continues to wash me clean every single day. He has slowly but surely given me more wonderful, GOOD gifts than I could ever ask for or deserve, but ONLY when I was completely obedient to Him and didn't let my flesh interfere, which it did and still does. You are not alone in your struggle, I have been on the opposite side of that exact same mirror.
So if you need friends who love Christ and are genuinely here for you, you can count me among them. I am looking for God-loving Real Christian friends too and to be transparent with you **eventually** the wife that God sends to me. I don't know where God is leading any of us or if He does intend me to be married again but I follow Him completely and will not veer to the left or the right in any situation. The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you, the Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace. I will earnestly pray for you in Jesus' name CiiCii, Amen.
You already recognize that the only way is Jesus only, and that you are struggling with the desire/idolization of wanting a husband and family but you also need to take that thinking to it's conclusion: if you know that while you are focusing on separating and improving your marriage or the prospects of a new one - (after a proper divorce I assume since Adultery is valid grounds for a divorce, I know it's not a nice thought but sometimes that is the correct route, and the Law is there to assist us with making these decisions although we have final say.) - that God won't just *give* you what you want/need then you already know that He WILL give you everything you need if you trust completely in Him for all things. Now what you actually, truly need is only up to Him, okay? Ever since Adam and Eve bit into that fruit, we are cursed to think we know what is right and what is wrong but we don't. So that is a big part of the human condition and a completely normal hurdle to struggle with - trusting in God means knowing that even when things we see as Bad are happening, He is working everything for the Good in a way we cannot comprehend. So real trust means knowing He knows best.
Matthew 11:27-30 - “All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him." “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
I'm sure you can think of many examples in your life of something bad turning into something good down the line, but let me give you my own example that I believe you will find pertinent to your current situation:
When I graduated highschool I married my girlfriend of 3 years BUT let me be clear, this was not a Christian marriage, we were married by a judge in a court and she insisted we don't use a Bible and I agreed. We immediately started a family together. About one year after my daughter was born I was working 14 hour days every day and commuting an hour each way. One day I got a call from a man while I was at work, a very angry man questioning me about why "his girlfriend" was texting ME all the time. Because she was my wife. I had no idea about him. She brought him into our home and even took our baby with them on dates claiming that the baby's father had left when she was born. He also had no idea about me. So after the longest and most horrifying conversation I've ever had in my life, that man and I went to the Court and I got a divorce on the grounds of Adultery. I was a divorced, cheated on single father at 21 with a one year old daughter. I was very very low and thinking the terrible things we all think about in those situations but one night in 2015 I just prayed. I cried and cried until praying was the only thing I could think of. I was raised Roman Catholic but lost my faith because of how little they talked about Jesus and other problems I saw in the Church. But then I really, really prayed and the next day my dear friend Daniel literally came to my door and asked if I wanted to come with him to a Worship concert downtown. It wasn't really my thing but I went anyways and the experience changed my life. Not because I needed a concert or music or some bombastic way to come back to the faith - I needed a good, simple time with a good friend who loved me. I recommitted my life to Christ and everything has gotten better - not because I am better but because HE is better.
I didn't win the lottery or get an inheritance, my life was functionally not different at all. But I WAS different. God washed and continues to wash me clean every single day. He has slowly but surely given me more wonderful, GOOD gifts than I could ever ask for or deserve, but ONLY when I was completely obedient to Him and didn't let my flesh interfere, which it did and still does. You are not alone in your struggle, I have been on the opposite side of that exact same mirror.
So if you need friends who love Christ and are genuinely here for you, you can count me among them. I am looking for God-loving Real Christian friends too and to be transparent with you **eventually** the wife that God sends to me. I don't know where God is leading any of us or if He does intend me to be married again but I follow Him completely and will not veer to the left or the right in any situation. The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you, the Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace. I will earnestly pray for you in Jesus' name CiiCii, Amen
.
Contradictory thoughts are best put down on paper or in this case, here, so that we can see them openly and sort them out. I'm glad you don't blame God, that is very important for us to begin the process of complete trust and healing. Hope isn't easy but sometimes the way that God answers prayers takes an amount of time that isn't dependant on our hope or anything we can do, ya know? That Hope needs to be your fuel and the core of the reason why you're kind, even to bad people, which btw big kudos for that
. Clearly even in this deeply troubling and discouraging time you are still trying, I see that, everyone here does but more importantly the Lord knows and sees your heart.Completely agree that it seems easier to be pessimistic and negative but when you say that you don't want to be a "moody Christian" I think what you mean is you don't want to wrestle with your thoughts and desires. Which is just a sign that you're doing something right - I always remember God renaming Jacob to Israel because he wrestled with God. The real failure is giving into your negative feelings and acting them out. Trust me I understand that because I personally struggle hard against wrath and vengeance in my mind, which do not belong to me but to the Lord alone.
Everyone errs and falls short of the Glory that God intends for us but you must continue walking the straight and narrow path with Jesus and bear your cross Ciicii. You don't have to bear it alone, but it is yours to bear - as are all of ours.
thanks for you encouragement and thoughtsContradictory thoughts are best put down on paper or in this case, here, so that we can see them openly and sort them out. I'm glad you don't blame God, that is very important for us to begin the process of complete trust and healing. Hope isn't easy but sometimes the way that God answers prayers takes an amount of time that isn't dependant on our hope or anything we can do, ya know? That Hope needs to be your fuel and the core of the reason why you're kind, even to bad people, which btw big kudos for that
Completely agree that it seems easier to be pessimistic and negative but when you say that you don't want to be a "moody Christian" I think what you mean is you don't want to wrestle with your thoughts and desires. Which is just a sign that you're doing something right - I always remember God renaming Jacob to Israel because he wrestled with God. The real failure is giving into your negative feelings and acting them out. Trust me I understand that because I personally struggle hard against wrath and vengeance in my mind, which do not belong to me but to the Lord alone.
Everyone errs and falls short of the Glory that God intends for us but you must continue walking the straight and narrow path with Jesus and bear your cross Ciicii. You don't have to bear it alone, but it is yours to bear - as are all of ours.
thank you peter, i don't really have the words but i am very grateful for what you sent and your personal story it was very convicting and encouraging. i have recently been trying very hard to be attentive after prayer and asking God to change my heart and me so i don't have to focus on what i want/ think i need like you said.Part 2 of above:
You already recognize that the only way is Jesus only, and that you are struggling with the desire/idolization of wanting a husband and family but you also need to take that thinking to it's conclusion: if you know that while you are focusing on separating and improving your marriage or the prospects of a new one - (after a proper divorce I assume since Adultery is valid grounds for a divorce, I know it's not a nice thought but sometimes that is the correct route, and the Law is there to assist us with making these decisions although we have final say.) - that God won't just *give* you what you want/need then you already know that He WILL give you everything you need if you trust completely in Him for all things. Now what you actually, truly need is only up to Him, okay? Ever since Adam and Eve bit into that fruit, we are cursed to think we know what is right and what is wrong but we don't. So that is a big part of the human condition and a completely normal hurdle to struggle with - trusting in God means knowing that even when things we see as Bad are happening, He is working everything for the Good in a way we cannot comprehend. So real trust means knowing He knows best.
Matthew 11:27-30 - “All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him." “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
I'm sure you can think of many examples in your life of something bad turning into something good down the line, but let me give you my own example that I believe you will find pertinent to your current situation:
When I graduated highschool I married my girlfriend of 3 years BUT let me be clear, this was not a Christian marriage, we were married by a judge in a court and she insisted we don't use a Bible and I agreed. We immediately started a family together. About one year after my daughter was born I was working 14 hour days every day and commuting an hour each way. One day I got a call from a man while I was at work, a very angry man questioning me about why "his girlfriend" was texting ME all the time. Because she was my wife. I had no idea about him. She brought him into our home and even took our baby with them on dates claiming that the baby's father had left when she was born. He also had no idea about me. So after the longest and most horrifying conversation I've ever had in my life, that man and I went to the Court and I got a divorce on the grounds of Adultery. I was a divorced, cheated on single father at 21 with a one year old daughter. I was very very low and thinking the terrible things we all think about in those situations but one night in 2015 I just prayed. I cried and cried until praying was the only thing I could think of. I was raised Roman Catholic but lost my faith because of how little they talked about Jesus and other problems I saw in the Church. But then I really, really prayed and the next day my dear friend Daniel literally came to my door and asked if I wanted to come with him to a Worship concert downtown. It wasn't really my thing but I went anyways and the experience changed my life. Not because I needed a concert or music or some bombastic way to come back to the faith - I needed a good, simple time with a good friend who loved me. I recommitted my life to Christ and everything has gotten better - not because I am better but because HE is better.
I didn't win the lottery or get an inheritance, my life was functionally not different at all. But I WAS different. God washed and continues to wash me clean every single day. He has slowly but surely given me more wonderful, GOOD gifts than I could ever ask for or deserve, but ONLY when I was completely obedient to Him and didn't let my flesh interfere, which it did and still does. You are not alone in your struggle, I have been on the opposite side of that exact same mirror.
So if you need friends who love Christ and are genuinely here for you, you can count me among them. I am looking for God-loving Real Christian friends too and to be transparent with you **eventually** the wife that God sends to me. I don't know where God is leading any of us or if He does intend me to be married again but I follow Him completely and will not veer to the left or the right in any situation. The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you, the Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace. I will earnestly pray for you in Jesus' name CiiCii, Amen
i enjoy transparent conversations like this, they help a lot with thinking through intrusive thoughts bibilically so thank you again and for the prayers. lmk if i can pray for you too in any way as well
You're very welcome, I know how difficult this can feel without companionship and fellowship. Do you use discord? I'm very active on there and would love to connect.thank you peter, i don't really have the words but i am very grateful for what you sent and your personal story it was very convicting and encouraging. i have recently been trying very hard to be attentive after prayer and asking God to change my heart and me so i don't have to focus on what i want/ think i need like you said.
i enjoy transparent conversations like this, they help a lot with thinking through intrusive thoughts bibilically so thank you again and for the prayers. lmk if i can pray for you too in any way as well
Yes please, prayers are always appreciated regardless of the intention, and you will be in my daily prayers as well Ciicii.
I am gonna send you a video that will walk you out of that darkness.
A lot of people are advising you and giving you all kinds of advice. Some of it is fairly good, but I don't see any of it that's gonna walk you out of darkness like what I can send you in the video