Step Child

[Jtorie]

Hello,
I'm new to the forum and need some Christian guidance. I am engaged to a man who has a one year old. The child's mother is still in love with my fiance, and refuses to allow him visits in my presence. Also, she insists on being present when my fiance visits the child. We have had 2 such visits, as my fiance lives in a different state from the child. Since I am not allowed to go to these visits, although my fiance initially reassured me that I would take part in the visits and that he has no lingering feelings for the child's mother, I feel totally excluded. At the last visit in November, my fiance said that he would not visit again until he gains visitation rights. He has not yet filed paperwork for visitation, but has recently informed me that he plans to visit again next month. I was livid! I feel that we should be focusing on preparing for our marriage and our life together, and reminded him that he promised he would not visit again until I am able to take part in the visit. He is beginning to resent me, claiming that I, along with his child's mother, am keeping him from his son. I feel that our relationship should come first, and that since I stressed to him that these types of visits make me uncomfortable, then he should respect my feelings and visit the child the right way, which will include me. After all, he will be be step child. Is this an unreasonable, or unusual request? At this point, I'm really ready to call off the engagement. I feel that if we are not on one accord, these types of situations will lead to disaster. My fiance and I are both Christians, and I have quoted several scriptures on what his role will be in a marriage. I don't know what else to do...

 

[Jullianna]

When I married my late husband, he had an 8 year old son from a previous marriage. His ex-wife also used their son as a weapon against him. Rather than enable her to use the child like that (an do irreparable harm to an innocent child), we agreed that (since we were both adults) we should not behave selfishly, and put the innocent child's needs first. We felt that this is what the Lord would do, so this is what we agreed to do.

 

[1still_waters]

Well the son is one years old, so I'm guessing they haven't been apart that long?

Since that seems to be the case, maybe you shouldn't be so quick to walk in to this kind of situation.

Seems kind of like a quick hop for him to be jumping in to a marriage this quick after a divorce, assuming his divorce just happened within a year or two.

 

[Jullianna]

I apologize that my post was interrupted by a telephone call.

I was only 18 when I married my husband (he was 10 years older). After about 6 months, my stepson's mother took off and left the boy with us, and never returned. He is now a grown man of 28 and a tremendous blessing to me. My husband and I also had a son together. The two boys are awesome together.

Parents need to be with their children. Children need to be with their parents. Prayerfully think long and hard as to whether you can accept that and make the sacrifices a loving parent has to make. God bless you I realize that, scripturally, we are to put God, then our spouses first, but we can choose not to demand our way when the life/love of a child is at risk.