Story of divorce and questions of how to move forward

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HRR

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I married a very different man from the one that left me for another woman, divorced me and blamed me for everything without admitting to anything even though I discovered he was sleeping with both of us at the same time. I move from being angry at him and/or at God for allowing this to happen. What happened to the man that adored me and protected me and our kids with such intensity? What happened to the man that pursued God and desired to be humble and obedient? He is now the complete opposite of that, verbally abusing me and our kids while protecting the woman he had an affair with that he is now living with. I never recognized the narcissism until about a year before he left when he started to get weird, selfish and distant. What a panic I felt as I was/am in love with the man I married. Now I have to tell myself that he's long gone and likely never to return.


So, I've been working on forgiveness myself. Not only forgiving MYSELF as you so accurately explained above, but forgiving my ex as well as the woman that worked so hard for his attention. But I am alone. I fought for our marriage and our family for over 4 years. I remained faithful and trusted God when He told me to wait on Him and know that He is a God of miracles. I have this HOPE set deep in my soul that I can't move that seems to get in the way of my complete break from my ex. I don't know how to move past that hope and just when I think I have, I hear a song or read a bible verse that draws me back in.


The man my ex has become is gross. He does drugs, drinks a lot, parties while leaving our kids at his house instead of me being able to spend more time with them. He calls them names and is quite hard on them for his own selfish reasons. He tells them they need to fit into his life and get to know him. It's all about him and his girlfriend. He has 4 dogs now and our youngest is allergic to animals. I don't understand. If I'd known him like this when we were younger I wouldn't have given him a second look! And now he is the father of my three children and he will be in my life, blaming me for anything he can think of, forever.


How can I move past that? People say "once the divorce is over it will be easier". I don't think they understand what it's like to have a narcissist in your life. I am exhausted. Tired of "working on myself". I am tired of being vulnerable, responding with love, being patient and trusting God for something beautiful to come from these ashes. I miss my husband, the one that loved me. I believe he still does love me but just can't admit to the affair and that he did wrong. He'd rather carry that forever, at least he thinks it would be easier.


So, I wait on God. I wait with a humble heart asking for HIS strength in the hard times, HIS patience in the loud moments and for a pure heart with no bitterness. Like Shadrack, Mishak and Abednego, I'd like to come from this fire not smelling of the smoke.
 
Lord bless your daughter HRR, and restore her marriage and family. Let you change her husbands attitude, and fill with love for her. Yes Lord please bless this matter. In Jesus name, Amen!
 
Give your ex husband to God and focus on your kids and their health..,.if he is abandoning your kids to party, you should get full custody of them, with supervised visits only for him for their sakes...

Put the kids first over your belief that he might have a hidden part that still love you.
 
I am so very sorry for the pain your enduring right now. I have been in a semi similar situation before and it hurts alot. Trusting in God is the best way to go. Keep pressing into him. I did the same when I was going through my divorce and He was the only reason I had any peace or sanity. He will provide you with what you need to move on. Keep trusting him. You will be in my prayers.
 
HHR,
I know this post is old, but I pray that you have been able with God's grace to move on. Sorry you had to go through that, but it gives me some comfort to know someone else would know what I'm going through. My eventual ex has two faces, Narcissists always do. The sweet, helpful, kind, loving face that the outside world gets to see, and the other face is a total flip side of those traits. He wears that face in private only with me. They are very charming when they want to be, and he only wants to be with the outside world. It breaks my heart that you have children suffering too. At least I didn't have children to protect.

You wonder where the husband you once knew went? I have wracked my brain with that question for at least 8 years. What did I do, how can I change to bring him back and his love for me that I so cherished. But the more I tried to change myself to accommodate him, the more the lies & inconsistencies stacked up & the more his "Mr. Hyde" face came out to play.
We had various "issues" over the years and when he thought my patience was running out he could turn on the charm, affection, attentiveness & suddenly wanted to help around the house as easily as flipping a light switch. He'd throw me a few crumbs of the man I once loved when I married just to give me a little hope & string me along. But at the same time his other face was giving away what was due me as his wife to women "friends" secretly and under the radar.

There is a guy on You Tube who doesn't claim to be a professional but sells his counseling packages for those whose spouses had chaotic childhoods be it from parents with mental or addictions. His belief is that children of chaos can go on and make good lives for themselves. But at some point many years into the marriage if they go thru some type of trauma, they will revert back to behaviors ingrained in them from childhood. Men generally will begin to act towards their wives as their fathers did to their mothers. Women will begin to treat their husbands as they saw their mothers treat their dads. I tend to believe there is a lot of truth in that, it's the only explanation so far that's made any sense to me.

God bless you HHR, Iiving with a "Narc" brings nonstop stress and anxiety. I hope God has sent you peace, healing and restoration that I am now praying for myself.
 
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