I'm out of green tea right now. But I'm going grocery shopping tomorrow. I JUST ran out of lemons, too, which I've been using. Thanks Green!!
I don't understand boys. I had very short notice that the girl whose mattress that I was borrowing is coming tomorrow morning to pick it up. So it means that I'll be sleeping on my memory foam and pillow topper on the carpet for awhile. So while I was moving some stuff around in my room, I noticed that some spiders had come out to play -.- And I'm out of spider raid so off to walmart. By this time, my makeup isn't looking good. Its crazy humid out here in the city. Good bye foundation and eyeliner. Not pretty. Anywho, I get to walmart and I had two guys smile at me. Like the 'you're pretty' smiles. I'm sweatin, on a mission to destroy the spiders, my hair is in a messy ponytail, little trace of makeup and I'm getting smiles?! I don't understand boys.
PS. This thread should be re-named the Arwen's Daily Vent and News Journal: because she doesn't have a husband to vent to lol.
I don't understand boys. I had very short notice that the girl whose mattress that I was borrowing is coming tomorrow morning to pick it up. So it means that I'll be sleeping on my memory foam and pillow topper on the carpet for awhile. So while I was moving some stuff around in my room, I noticed that some spiders had come out to play -.- And I'm out of spider raid so off to walmart. By this time, my makeup isn't looking good. Its crazy humid out here in the city. Good bye foundation and eyeliner. Not pretty. Anywho, I get to walmart and I had two guys smile at me. Like the 'you're pretty' smiles. I'm sweatin, on a mission to destroy the spiders, my hair is in a messy ponytail, little trace of makeup and I'm getting smiles?! I don't understand boys.
PS. This thread should be re-named the Arwen's Daily Vent and News Journal: because she doesn't have a husband to vent to lol.
P.P.S. - I'm consistantly telling my female friends irl (or not online, however you want to put it...) that 'Natural Beauty' is WAY more attractive than 'Artifical Beauty'.
*gasp* You mean you're tell me that less is more when it comes to makeup, jewelry, and all the fixin's of finery?!?!
Ah..yeah, I am!
I had to have a few of those myself. I didn't mind them, except for my last one, which was needed after an abnormal X-ray. For no apparent reason, I had a panic attack during the CT.I had my CT scan with contrast done today. It was such an interesting feeling as the iodine was pushed into my system. It felt warm and harsh and foreign. It was a nice distraction from thinking about why I needed the scan in the first place. I know what they're looking for and I want them to nix the biopsy. Just cut it out and be done. I'm ready for this to be done.
Yeah but, I have a bit of acne, and pale skin and have some darkness under my eyes. Without foundation and blush, I have been asked many of times if I am sick. I'm not trying to be excessive, but covering up imperfections so I don't give off the 'leukemia patient' look.
Why? Because had I succeeded in getting myself killed, there would only be one moment of sorrow, and another moment of passing, and another moment of healing, and so on and so on. Life would go on with one less person to have to WORRY & think about. I am self aware to know enough that I haven't been a good brother, uncle, son, grandson, employee, and sometimes a friend. I can see the burden and bitterness in my family's eyes well enough that I wish I could take it away. I got sick of being a constant screw up to you. I got tired of messing everything up. I got tired of getting in your way. I got tired of knowing that I can't do anything right. I just wanted to lighten up the load by removing myself, because I've messed up long enough to know that I'm just dead weight. I understand that NO ONE is perfect, but I can clearly see that I seem to be a constant bother to nearly everyone I come in contact with.. I try, I fail, I disappoint. This seems to be the constant cycle I gain from people. I can't work like the others. I can't be strong. I'm not as confident as them. *sigh* I judge myself 10x before anyone else could... I tried to kill myself because I'm not who I want to be, and I'm not nearly as close to the picture of the "good man" standard they place me on.
Over the past few months I've been learning to be OK with not knowing everything, and with being imprecise. I want to know everything relevant to my life or interests, and I want to be right about it all. But that will probably never happen. But that's alright. Even if I make errors, and I will, the correct things I do will out-weigh the errors and mitigate any effect they have. Life is also full of imprecision. Just imagine making a sandwich at a fast food shop, or being a farmer. You don't get exact numbers, yet life goes on just as well. Whether an assignment is handed in at 4:00 pm or 4:01 pm is irrelevant. The work's still done, the credits are still given.
I am moving away from being obsessively detail oriented and perfectionistic. I wonder what I'm moving toward, then?
I'm leaving the Country Saturday. Exciting, yet strangely enough, back to normal.
I'm out of green tea right now. But I'm going grocery shopping tomorrow. I JUST ran out of lemons, too, which I've been using. Thanks Green!!