Yes I believe anything is possible when it come to Jesus and God. I was saved in the middle of last year while i was in the hospital after an overdose and I felt I should also say it while in front of the alter. I've always struggled with drugs, alcohol, and anxiety. But I've never been so scared of my addiction in my life and I never had this hard of a time going places. When I'm in a room with more than 3 people i don't really know I completely shut down. I'm afraid to move, afraid to talk, afraid to look at people, afraid of anything that somebody might notice. I try to do whatever I can to avoid attracting attention. I love having friends and being able to talk to people. But I can't get passed the anxiety that's holding me back to meet people or even say hi to somebody. Aside from chatting in text online. I don't really talk much on the phone or to anyone, even family sometimes. Before my anxiety started getting really bad and I started staying home most of the time, I was going to church every sunday and sometimes I would even stay for both services. I even helped out with food pantry on wednesday because I wanted to help and they didn't have anyone under the age of 60 working the food pantry. One sunday, the bishop at our church offered the holy spirit to anyone who wanted it and believed. So I went up and was the only one who went up. I stayed for the second service that day and went up with my mother when she went to recieve the holy spirit also. My life was great and I was so happy for some time after that but then things just started getting worse and more difficult and eventually my anxiety took over. Right now I only really leave to go to drug councilling, to see somebody to talk about my anxiety or any other problems I've having, or go in my backyard. And being home all the time, not having support or friends makes me think about using, and that's becoming all too often. I want to be able to have some positive people to talk to and pray with whenever I'm having trouble and hopefully start making some progress forward to get myself back going out to the store, shopping, taking my son fishing or to eat, I want be able to sit infront of my house and not be afraid people are starting at me as they go by, I want to be able to go back to church and help at the food pantry, I want to be able to volunteer some time to talk to people that don't have anyone to talk to, i want to be able to say hello and smile at a complete stranger and not be afraid to do it. And the most important part is i want to be able to do it without the help of drugs. Ever since the first medication i took for anxiety and depression things have continued to get worse and nothing worked. The only medications that work are the kind I'm afraid to take. I've been prescribed almost every medication under the sun for anxiety and depression and nothing works. I used to be able to sleep just fine without medication but now I can't even fall asleep or be still in bed without taking my depression medication. I think all these drugs i've taken prescribed and not prescribed drugs have just made things worse throughout my life. I just want to be able to do everything i need to do for myself without being afraid and without drugs of any kind so that I can help others, be there for my family, Especially my son, mother and father, brother and his kids, and maybe help other people who are suffering from problems holding them back from helping others and letting God do His good work through them. There is are so many good things I want to be doing,should be doing. I need something to take all the negative things in my life away and stop whatever is holding me back from doing what I should have been doing since the day my mother found out she was pregnant. I want to be able to make people happy again. If anything at all I just want to make people happy forever seems like to much to ask for right now but I don't think I should be afraid to ask for something like that. I have always tryed to do what I think He would want me to do in life. And for a long time I haven't. Some of the time because I didn't really acknowledge God but mostly because I was afraid or unable to. I didn't know where to start looking for help tonight. I started with an NA site but nobody was online. So i talked to a friend and it occured to me to ask pray and ask for help. It started with me asking a friend who i will probably never meet in life if they could pray for me. And they said they could definitly do that. So I asked a couple people and posted a status asking if anyone and strong faith and prayed. I realized maybe I need to look elsewhere because of a couple friends that I'll only be able to communicate through text or phone I realized there has to be people out there that actually care for a complete stranger who needs help. That's how i found this place. I figured maybe God wants me to try finding people I can talk to and pray with and for. I'm christian and believe in Jesus Christ and what he did for us by dying for our sins and so we would be able to get to heaven I looked for and found this place. After only being on here for alittle while and getting my thoughts, feelings, needs and what I've been going through down so somebody else can see where I'm coming from and get an idea of who I am, what I've been going through, what I'm currently going through and what kind of prayers i need. I am feeling very optimistic. I have a strong feeling I won't be alone when I'm having a hard time anymore and that things could get better. I have witnessed a couple things that could have only been done with God's help. And believe things will change for the better. It might just take alittle prayer and belief to get going and get back on track. I so badly want to be able to move forward in life. I need for things to get better. The only other way to go is going to wind me up in a hospital dead or in a coma, homeless and on the street, more legal problems or back in jail, in some kind of long term care, or lose those I care about most importantly my son. I want to be able to do something to make my parents proud of me before they pass away, because almost my whole life except for when I was younger before I was abused phsyically and verbally for 3 straight years of my life by 3 of the boys in my class and none of the rest stook up for me so that I didn't get abused everyday when the teachers were around. I have since forgiven them, but I haven't been able to forget how my life changed after the first gym class in 5th grade. sometimes I feel like maybe if one of the other guys in my class stook up for me and were a friend or maybe if those three boys didn't do it as much or at all, that maybe I wouldn't be afraid to be around others as much as I am and maybe I would have had more or better friends. sometimes i feel as though maybe if none of that ever happened that maybe things wouldn't have been so bad off and on. But I know there has to be a reason. I know God has good things in store for anyone who believe's in Him, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit. Truely believe, want, and need it. I think God has a plan for those people. I know he has had a plan for me for a long time. I don't mean this in a negative way at all but I think God can be strange and funny at times. Because when I first asked for a friend to pray for me because I need strength, up until now. I feel as though something has already changed alittle bit. I love God and Jesus Christ and I want nothing more than to be able to do what they would have me do down here on earth in They're name. I have had a passion for my believes, the power of believe, and faith. But I don't know what happened to make me fall off the track. I'm glad I feel more positive already. And can't wait to see what's next. I think I better quit writing for alittle bit because I'm beginning to think I went alittle overboard in this message because of it's length. But I feel very positive and optimistic right now. I want to thank the friends I currently have left for their support and prayers, and I want to thank anyone who may have read my prior post and said a small prayer for me. I also want to thank Jesus Christ and God the Father, because I know that They had something to do with my positive change of attitude and optimism. I'm probably going to be up for awhile because of some medication that was prescribed to me keeping me awake. One big thing I'm currently looking for the strength to do is flush this one particular medication down the toilet, I was on it before, and it helped my concentration but I stopped taking it because of irritability, weight loss, and it being addictive. I need the strength to just destroy it because I know if I keep it it is going to cause me nothing but trouble. I hope I flush it by sun up but I dumped them in the toilet and scooped them out because I couldn't do it. I have a feeling I'm gonna have to give them to my mother or brother and say "you know what. Flush these, because if you don't flush them for me i won't be able to stop taking them or get rid of them and I will probably just not stop taking them until they are gone. I don't want that to happen. That's why I need strength. So that I can get rid of them and not worry about wether or not I'm going to want to take more than i'm supposed to. last year I was prescribed them and it was too tempting to have them and not take them. So i got rid of them. It wasn't very smart of me to ask to be put back on them, but I guess it's my addiction using me to get it's fix. I never thought it could be so sneaky because I didn't realize I couldn't have these without the urge to take more until I asked for them and had gotten the prescription. I was doing alot better before i ever was put on it. My concentration may be better when i take it but I don't want this kind of addicting medication anymore. I just need to pull whatever strength I can get together from within and maybe the help of others to just flush this garbage. I tryed hiding it several times this past week and I even tryed flushing it. The pills made it into the toilet and were floating in the water but I could get up the strength to watch them go down the toilet so i hurry and scooped them out and dryed them off. I should feel so helpless. This drug and all other drugs even alcohol shouldn't have that kind of control over somebody that they can't get rid of it. It's different if it's insiline or something for you if you have had a heart attack or something. But something like this I should be able to get rid of. It's almost like drugs have some kind of control or influence on my actions even before or 6-7 months after taking them. I need strength to dump these from some where. I need to start there at the very least. I need to take a break because my eyes are starting to get strained from staring at this and I don't want anybody to read half and think it's too much. So good night all, have a blessed night, don't forget to tell God what you are thankful for before bed and i hope all of you caring selfless individuals out there have wonderful dreams. I'm taking a break from the computer so I can try to talk myself into flushing these and also so i can rest my eyes, because they aren't what they used to be. they are almost 28 years old. Thank you for any and all prayers. I feel Good about myself at the present juncture and look forward to things in the future even though i don't know what will happen when I wake up after sleeping. AGAIN THANKS TO ANYONE WHO HAS AND WILL CONTINUES PRAYING. I am very grateful for people like you. It makes me happy to know people like that exist. I g2g I have never writtin this much in my life... ok maybe in highschool. ttyl
