J
JustAnotherUser
Guest
I want to start off before sharing anything that I've for one contemplated for a while as to whether or not to share what I'm planning to say. I'm aware it could've been far worse and there's cases where there has been people who have done worse, but I'm wanting to share with an intent that can hopefully help someone who's either contemplating suicide themselves or give people a somewhat understanding as to how far it can go as far as the mental state. It is different for each person but the feelings of them going down this road share a common bond. Since there has been a good amount of people who have been talking about suicide lately, I figured to join in with the intent that's already been stated...
I have had suicidal thoughts and tendencies since I was probably about eleven or twelve. Could it be hormones kicking in by then or that it was just a sudden thing of me not having a liking to life from anything that was built up before then, I cannot say. In the beginning when it was happening I've been caught but nothing was really done about them. Then as time went on, there were patterns of wanting to die and then kind of just forgetting about it and thinking that I was just getting better from it and that stage would be over. Well, I can't say that it has.
One encounter I had however stood out to me the most more so now than when I was probably experiencing it. I remember being in my room and being so depressed over things that were not all that worth it but it has driven me to the point I, once again, wanted to die. With the door shut, a mirror in front of me and a scarf near me, I just thought that there was no point. A very overwhelming feeling that was somehow bearable but at the same time not (guess that's when I actually felt I was losing it), I went for the scarf to tie around my neck and tie the other end onto something and thought that the sooner I would get it done then I wouldn't have to feel anything.
Despite what may have people thinking... It truly was a dark moment for me. This darkness started filling the room more than how dim it already was. It was nothing like I've ever experienced before. It was pretty strong, too. It felt like death was actually waiting for me to make that 'one' move just so I could be done. The mirror that was right across from me... I actually saw this darkness and it sucked out anything that has brought life into my face to begin with. I did not look the same. Tired and just anything that represented hope to me was taken. It was just dark. By then I just thought if I could just do it... Maybe I can do it. Can't I just do it?! I'm pretty sure if anyone else was there with me, they would see how different I really looked.
It stopped. I don't know how it actually did, but everything just stopped. All I could do was pace myself while shaking whatever else was in me to be gone. It didn't stop from there, however. I still had times where I had the same overwhelming feeling and wanting to reach for something. But luckily it never got to the point as it did with me from that one time... It's flat out awful to say the least. It's almost like life gets sucked out of you before you could physically do it... Whether if I stopped because of the fact I didn't want to, or perhaps I was given that Grace. I do not want to go back and replay that to truly know. I do not want to go back and experience anything of this nature to even know why I felt to take that kind of action. Numerous of times, all in different ways... I cannot get over that darkness.
Is it worth to go through all of this over issues that could be resolved and could've been resolved in a reasonable manner? No. But that doesn't mean it isn't possible for it to turn out like this. I really do feel for people who take it to the next level because what I likely felt was only a short glimpse of all of it. Well over a year ago, at that. But when you're at a point where you fall for everything that is only made by the reality you've made and accepted and nobody else knows about or capable to comprehend, what else is there to expect? You see nothing else. This is how it's been. The reality that unfortunately many endure and can take it upon them worse.
I do feel like it was Grace that lead me to this and not go any further. At a time where I least deserved it and still do. I'm surprised I could even get through explaining all of it alone. It saved me from many other encounters I had not long before this. But to take one thing out of everything I've seen not only for myself but with others I know personally - it is real. Just as real as people who believe in the Truth, but the unfortunate thing is not everyone knows about that Truth when they get consumed by the reality that contradicts it. I've had a struggle when it came to believing and still do but I think that's the very thing that saved me up to this point too.
Thank you for taking the time. I hope there's at least something that this could have brought some sort of use for. If it has to at least someone then I say that it was worth it. I know to many that suicide is the 'coward's way out', but in all honesty I think there's some sort of strength that really does get people to go through with this. Which is why it's called 'committing' suicide to begin with. Like I said, it's not something that should be done or have any entitlement to say that one should. But this is a bit of the reality of it.
I have had suicidal thoughts and tendencies since I was probably about eleven or twelve. Could it be hormones kicking in by then or that it was just a sudden thing of me not having a liking to life from anything that was built up before then, I cannot say. In the beginning when it was happening I've been caught but nothing was really done about them. Then as time went on, there were patterns of wanting to die and then kind of just forgetting about it and thinking that I was just getting better from it and that stage would be over. Well, I can't say that it has.
One encounter I had however stood out to me the most more so now than when I was probably experiencing it. I remember being in my room and being so depressed over things that were not all that worth it but it has driven me to the point I, once again, wanted to die. With the door shut, a mirror in front of me and a scarf near me, I just thought that there was no point. A very overwhelming feeling that was somehow bearable but at the same time not (guess that's when I actually felt I was losing it), I went for the scarf to tie around my neck and tie the other end onto something and thought that the sooner I would get it done then I wouldn't have to feel anything.
Despite what may have people thinking... It truly was a dark moment for me. This darkness started filling the room more than how dim it already was. It was nothing like I've ever experienced before. It was pretty strong, too. It felt like death was actually waiting for me to make that 'one' move just so I could be done. The mirror that was right across from me... I actually saw this darkness and it sucked out anything that has brought life into my face to begin with. I did not look the same. Tired and just anything that represented hope to me was taken. It was just dark. By then I just thought if I could just do it... Maybe I can do it. Can't I just do it?! I'm pretty sure if anyone else was there with me, they would see how different I really looked.
It stopped. I don't know how it actually did, but everything just stopped. All I could do was pace myself while shaking whatever else was in me to be gone. It didn't stop from there, however. I still had times where I had the same overwhelming feeling and wanting to reach for something. But luckily it never got to the point as it did with me from that one time... It's flat out awful to say the least. It's almost like life gets sucked out of you before you could physically do it... Whether if I stopped because of the fact I didn't want to, or perhaps I was given that Grace. I do not want to go back and replay that to truly know. I do not want to go back and experience anything of this nature to even know why I felt to take that kind of action. Numerous of times, all in different ways... I cannot get over that darkness.
Is it worth to go through all of this over issues that could be resolved and could've been resolved in a reasonable manner? No. But that doesn't mean it isn't possible for it to turn out like this. I really do feel for people who take it to the next level because what I likely felt was only a short glimpse of all of it. Well over a year ago, at that. But when you're at a point where you fall for everything that is only made by the reality you've made and accepted and nobody else knows about or capable to comprehend, what else is there to expect? You see nothing else. This is how it's been. The reality that unfortunately many endure and can take it upon them worse.
I do feel like it was Grace that lead me to this and not go any further. At a time where I least deserved it and still do. I'm surprised I could even get through explaining all of it alone. It saved me from many other encounters I had not long before this. But to take one thing out of everything I've seen not only for myself but with others I know personally - it is real. Just as real as people who believe in the Truth, but the unfortunate thing is not everyone knows about that Truth when they get consumed by the reality that contradicts it. I've had a struggle when it came to believing and still do but I think that's the very thing that saved me up to this point too.
Thank you for taking the time. I hope there's at least something that this could have brought some sort of use for. If it has to at least someone then I say that it was worth it. I know to many that suicide is the 'coward's way out', but in all honesty I think there's some sort of strength that really does get people to go through with this. Which is why it's called 'committing' suicide to begin with. Like I said, it's not something that should be done or have any entitlement to say that one should. But this is a bit of the reality of it.
